Collage 264               H u m o u r N e t               17 MAY 96

Well, *this* has been an interesting day. It started with a message
from Randy Cassingham, with the subject: "URGENT ACTION NEEDED!!!"

Even *I* sat up and took notice.

What Randy sent me was the latest posting from rec.humor.funny,
which contained the following appendage:

"... The 'Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame' is reportedly from Chuck
Shepherd's 'News of the Weird'. My apologies to all concerned for
the copyright violations - ed."

Well, as all good HumourNetters know, "Ed" ;-) happened to be wrong
about the Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame. Several e-mails later,
including one from Chuck Shepherd to "Ed," and all has been cleared
up. So, for those of you who were concerned upon seeing this, you
need concern no more. (There is supposedly a recant of the counter-
attribution in the works.)

In many ways, the appearance of the SCHoS on r.h.f has created some
excess tedium in my on-line life: I've received probably twenty
messages from net.do-gooders telling me that I shouldn't take credit
for the work that was done by [Randy Cassingham or Chuck Shepherd,
please select only one per e-mail]. Oh, well ... at least I'm in
good company. :-)

(Nevertheless, I do owe quite a bit to the r.h.f folks -- like about
800 subscribers; we crossed the 3,000-subscriber mark today, largely
boosted by SCHoS's appearance on r.h.f.)

In any event, I'd like to publicly thank Randy and Chuck for their
assistance on this issue. And, in the spirit of appreciation, here
is info on their respective mailing lists:

For info on Randy Cassingham's "THIS is TRUE" list, send a blank e-mail
to TrueInfo@freecom.com, or see <http://www.freecom.com/TrueHome>.

For info on Chuck Sheperd's "News of the Weird," see
<http://www.nine.org/notw/>.

And now, back to our regularly-scheduled program ...

I wasn't going to send out a Collage tonight, but this one worked
its way toward the "HumourNet-outgoing" box; it is yet another
collection of Internet ".sigs" -- e-mail signature files. So, without
further delay (and in a rather terse style because of the sheer
number of attributions) ...

Jack: "Leading the Pack"

John in Virginia: "Playing it Safe"

Shazia in the United Arab Emirates: "Horse Sense"

Brian in Maryland: "Controlling Overpopulation"

John in Australia: "Mad Lentils"

Eric in Ohio: "Doing it Right"

One recalled from memory by your moderator: "Famous Last Words"

Dr. Mike in Maryland: "Earthquake Rights"

Kevan in Maine: "Political Sigs" and "Success"

Paul in Canada: "Internet Bumper Stickers"

Steven Willoughby (moderator of the Oracle Service Humor List):
"More Internet Bumper Stickers"

As always, a *huge* thanks to this issue's contributors -- including
those who contributed to identifying and resolving the SCHoS problem.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The Telecom-Reform-Act-Compliant Sig From Hel--er--Heck

To comply with new federal regulations please use this disclaimer on
all further email

V-CHIP CONTENT WARNING: THIS POST IS RATED: R, V, NPC, RI, S, I13.
[For processing by the required-by-1998 V-chips, those reading this
post from an archive must set their V-chip to "42-0666." I will not
be held responsible for posts incorrectly filtered-out by a V-chip
that has been by-passed, hot-chipped, or incorrectly programmed.]

*WARNING!* It has become necessary to warn potential readers of
my messages before they proceed further. This warning may not fully
protect me against criminal or civil proceedings, but it may be
treated as a positive attempt to obey the various and increasing
numbers of laws.

> Under the ***TELECOM ACT OF 1996***, minor CHILDREN (under the age
of 18) may not read or handle this message under any circumstances.
If you are under 18, delete this message NOW. Also, if you are
developmentally disabled, irony-impaired, emotionally traumatized,
schizophrenic, suffering PMS, affected by Humor Deprivation Syndrome
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may apply to you as well, even if you are 18. If you fall into one
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> Under the UTAH PROTECTION OF CHILDREN ACT OF 1996, those under the
age of 21 may not read this post. All residents of Utah, and
Mormons elsewhere, must install the M-Chip.

> Under the PROTECTION OF THE REICH laws, residents of Germany may
not read this post.

> Under the MERCIFUL SHIELD OF ALLAH (Praise be to Him!), holy
interpretations of the Koran in the following countries (but not
limited to this list) -- you may not read this post if you are a
FEMALE OF ANY AGE: Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, United Arab
Emirates*, Qatar, Egypt, Jordan, Sudan, Libya, Pakistan, Afghanistan,
Algeria, Lebanon, Morocco, Tunisia, Yemen, Oman, Syria, Bahrain, and
the Palestinian Authority. Non-female persons may also be barred
from reading this post, depending on the settings of your I-Chip.

[* Sorry, Shazia.]

> Under the proposed CHINESE INTERNET laws, covering The People's
Republic of China, Formosa, Hong Kong, Macao, Malaysia, and parts of
several surrounding territories, the rules are so nebulous and
unspecified that I cannot say whether you are allowed to read this.
Thus, you must SUBMIT any post you wish to read to your local
authorities for further filtering.

> In Singapore, to merely be RECEIVING this post you have violated
the will of Lee Kwan Yu. Report to your local police office to
receive your caning.

> Finally, if you are barred from contact with the Internet, or
protected by court order from being disturbed by thoughts that might
disturb you, or covered by protective orders, it is up to you to
adjust the settings of your V-Chip to ensure that my post does not
reach you.

+++ THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE IN COMPLYING WITH THESE LAWS +++

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Leading the Pack

"If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes"
- Edmund Wilson

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Playing it Safe

Steven Wright: I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse
stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going that far."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Horse Sense

"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
people."
--W.C. Fields

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Controlling Overpopulation

Every five seconds, somewhere in the world, a woman is having a baby.
Our job is to find that woman, and stop her.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Mad Lentils

Danger: Mad Lentil Disease

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Doing it Right

E-Mail: For when you absolutely, positively, have to lose important
documents at the speed of light.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Famous Last Words

"I don't suppose it's going to rain ..."
-- Joan of Ark

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Earthquake Rights

Earthquakes don't kill people.
Overpasses and buildings kill people.
-- anonymous civil engineer

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Political Sigs

Under Republicans, Man exploits Man.
Under Democrats, it's just the opposite.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Success

Two rules of success in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Internet Bumper Stickers

I am NOT a NUMBER! I am a DEMOGRAPHIC!

Guillotine operator wanted. Chance to get ahead.

I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.

Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

Forget the Joneses...I can't keep up with The Simpsons.

I just took an IQ test. The results were negative.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

I used to live in the real world, but I got evicted.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.

I used to have a handle on life -- then it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Assassins do it from behind.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control!

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

He who laughs last ... thinks slowest!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

"Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!"

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know
and I don't care

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

If ignorance is bliss, you should be orgasmic.

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Internet Bumper Stickers

Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

We're staying together for the sake of the cats.

It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

This is not an abandoned vehicle.

I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.

Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.

Welcome to Texas, now go home.

It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.

Life's too short to dance with ugly men.

Life's too short to dance with ugly women.

My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me.
Gosh, I'm going to miss her.

When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).

I is a college student.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Beer: It isn't just for breakfast anymore.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Eschew obfuscation.

Will Rogers never met a lawyer.

Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk
carton.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

Is there life before coffee?

Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

My other wife is beautiful.

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.

Nuke the unborn baby whales.

Friends don't let friends drive naked.

Save California; when you leave take someone with you.

I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

There's one in every crowd and they always find me.

If money could talk, it would say goodbye.

When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.

Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.

If it's too loud, you're too old.

Wink. I'll do the rest.

The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.

An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of
grass and not fall off the Earth.

Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of
nothing.

I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.

Who cares who's on board?

Die Yuppie Scum.

No radio. Already stolen.

Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.

Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.

Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.

Exxon Suxx.

I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would
rather be.

So many pedestrians, so little time.

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