Collage 267               H u m o u r N e t               24 MAY 96

It's the boring administrative opener from Hell ...
(But there's some important information in here, so *please read*!)

First of all, *please* be careful to whom you forward Collages. At
the very least, you should *inform* the recipient that he/she/it is
receiving this as a forward from you.

"Why, Vince? Don't their mailers show the message as coming from me,
not you?"

1. Not always, especially if you do a "redirect" instead of a
"forward." (I will not begin to theorize as to why some people might
opt to do this, short of making my life, well, *complicated*.)

2. Even in cases where (1) does not apply, many people who are new to
the 'Net simply don't understand the information presented to them by
their mailers. They see the HumourNet address in the trailer and
write to it. These people have obviously read all the way to the end
of the message, and read the trailer, and followed the instructions
therein. Needless to say, they are vastly in the minority.

3. In those cases where (1) and (2) do not apply: Some people are
simply stupid. Sadly, this case seems to represent the majority. I
don't like to sound judgmental (okay, okay: *too* judgmental), but
the majority of people on the 'Net seem to contradict Darwin --
unless our society now selects in favor of those who throw temper
tantrums before engaging their brains.

I must have a reason for bringing this up, right?

On Tuesday, I received the following message from "Elaine":

"To whom it may concern: I don't know how you got this address but
please don't send me anymore of this HumourNet Stuff."

Mistake Number 1: HumourNet "Stuff"?

A quick check of our subscriber list indicated that Elaine was not
a subscriber. I told her that she was not on our mailing list, and
suggested that perhaps the Collage might have been forwarded to her.
Her reply?

"I have feeling that a Rob <name deleted> may be the culprit in this
case. There is no indication that the message was a forward.... In
any case, let's hope this is the end of it...I have better things to
read."

Mistake Number 2: Failure to suitably ingratiate herself with the
person from whom she is requesting assistance. From _Life's_Little_
Lesson_Book_, Chapter 35 ("Dealing With People Other Than Yourself"),
Rule #3184: "If you are requesting assistance from someone who is not
biologically related to you, and you wish to be less than cordial,
save it until *after* that person has performed the favor. If the
favor can be undone, then it is prudent to swallow your anger, and
kick the cat, instead." (Cats *hate* that chapter.)

<sigh> In addition to that, Elaine had also failed to see her own
contradiction: Her suggestion that "Rob ... may be the culprit"
directly contradicted her "no indication that the message was a
forward" theory.

I tried again:

"If you are convinced that there really is no indication that the
message was forwarded (which seems to directly contradict your 'Rob
<name deleted>' theory), then please send me the entire mail header
so I can trace it back."

So Elaine sent me the header. Here is exactly the header she sent me
(I added the "=====" to delimit the header lines):

=====
Date: Tue, 21 May 1996 13:14:48 -0400
From: HumourNet <HumourNet@telephonet.com>
Subject: Collage 265
=====

Mistake Number 3: Failure to properly modify the header to eliminate
self-incriminating information; failure to include all requested
information.

This header struck me as odd. Not because the time stamp was more
than 13 hours after Collage 265 was mailed from BGU, but because
there wasn't so much as a "To:" line in the header. Sure, many people
don't know how to read their headers, and some don't even know how to
get their mailers to display them (if it doesn't display the entire
header by default), but I've never seen a mailer that doesn't display
the "To:" line.

Then there was the "From" line, which was formatted in a manner
uncharacteristic of the way the listproc processes headers. The
clincher, however, was the rest of the Collage: It had been edited
rather substantially, though it (almost) followed the forwarding
guidelines.

Well, I had *one* answer -- but, clearly, I needed more information:

"No, Elaine, this is not the complete header; I need everything,
especially the 'Received:' lines in the header. You might have to do
a copy and paste to accomplish this, depending on the type of mailer
you have. Although the rest of the message (non-header) is not
particularly useful, I can assure you, after having looked at it,
that it has been forwarded to you. It was not sent to you in its
original form, but has been edited pretty heavily."

Alas, faced with the prospect of having to send me the entire header,
our heroine suffered something of an email-induced nervous breakdown:

"AT THIS POINT I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. JUST FORGET THAT I EVEN RECEIVED
THE MAIL. I'M JUST GOING TO IGNORE ANYTHING MORE THAT COMES! GOOD-BYE!"

Hmmm ... back-peddling just little furiously there, aren't we?
(BTW, Elaine, if you're out there: Pressing the "caps lock" key
(usually on the left side of the keyboard) should fix that nasty
all-caps malady.)

Well, problem solved, I guess -- though it's not the type of solution
I typically prefer.

::snip more boring administrivia::

* The *Last* Item Of Business: Bye Bye!

... Collage 267 is bulging at the seams. Okay, so it's mostly
administrivia, but I've done my best to appease you with *two*
(count'em!) pieces from The Master, himself.

"It Takes a Real Stud Cybermuffin to Handle 'Windows'" comes to us
from Shazia in the United Arab Emirates. (Let's see, we've heard
from Douglas Adams on Windoze (Collage 194), now we're getting Dave
Barry's perspective. Is there a pattern emerging here?)

And "Wedding-Bell Blues Become Actual Insanity" comes to us from
Steve Willoughby's Oracle Humor Service.

A big thanks to Shazia and Steve.

Enjoy! And see ya on the third....

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: It Takes a Real Stud Cybermuffin to Handle 'Windows'
By Dave Barry

People often say to me: "Dave, as a professional columnist, you
have a job which requires you to process large quantities of
information on a timely basis. Why don't you get a real haircut?"

What these people are REALLY asking, of course, is: How am I able
to produce columns with such a high degree of accuracy, day in and
day out, 54 weeks per year?

The answer is: I use a computer. This enables me to be highly
efficient. Suppose, for example, that I need to fill up column
space by writing BOOGER BOOGER BOOGER BOOGER BOOGER. To accomplish
this in the old precomputer days, I would have had to type "BOOGER"
five times manually. But now all I have to do is type it once, then
simply hold the left-hand "mouse" button down while "dragging" the
"mouse" so that the "cursor" moves over the text I wish to "select";
then release the left-hand "mouse" button and position the "cursor"
over the "Edit" heading on the "menu bar"; then click the left-hand
"mouse" button to reveal the "edit menu"; then position the
"cursor" over the "Copy" command; then click the left-hand "mouse"
button; then move the "cursor" to the point where I wish to insert
the "selected" text, then click the left-hand "mouse" button; then
position the "cursor" over the "Edit" heading on the "menu bar"
again; then click the left-hand "mouse" button to reveal the "edit
menu"; then position the cursor over the "Paste" command; then
click the left-hand "mouse" button four times; and then, as the
French say, "voila!" (Literally, "My hand hurts!")

If you need this kind of efficiency in your life, then you should
get a computer. I recommend the kind I have, which is a "DOS"
computer ("DOS" is an acronym, meaning "ROM"). The other major kind
of computer is the "Apple," which I do not recommend, because it is
a wuss-o-rama New-Age computer that you basically just plug in and
use. This means you don't get to participate in the most
entertaining aspect of computer-owning, which is trying to get the
computer to work. This is where "DOS" really shines. It is way
beyond normal human comprehension.

It was invented by Bill Gates. He is now one of the wealthiest
individuals on Earth -- wealthier than Queen Elizabeth; wealthier
even than some people who fix car transmissions -- and do you want
to know why? Because he's the only person in the world who
understands "DOS." Every day he gets frantic phone calls like this:

BUSINESS EXECUTIVE: Our entire worldwide corporate accounting
system is paralyzed, and no matter what we type into the computer,
it replies, "WHO WANTS TO KNOW? (signed) 'DOS.'"

BILL GATES: Ha-ha! I mean, sounds pretty serious.

BUSINESS EXECUTIVE: We'll give you $17 million to tell us how to
fix it.

BILL GATES: OK. Press the "NUM LOCK" key.

BUSINESS EXECUTIVE: So THAT'S what that thing does! Thanks! The
check is on the way!

My current computer, in addition to "DOS," has "Windows," which is
another invention of Bill Gates, designed as a security measure to
thwart those users who are somehow able to get past "DOS." You have
to be a real stud hombre cybermuffin to handle "Windows." I have
spent countless hours trying to get my computer to perform even the
most basic data-processing functions, such as letting me play
"F-117A Stealth Fighter" on it. I have personally, with my bare
hands, changed my "WIN.INI" and "CONFIG.SYS" settings. This may not
mean much to you, but trust me, it is a major data-processing
accomplishment. Albert Einstein died without ever doing it. ("WAIT
a minute!" were his last words. "It erased my equation! It was 'E'
equals something.")

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the
purpose of diddling with his computer. There are millions of
others. I know this, because I encounter them on the Internet,
which is a giant international network of intelligent, informed
computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We
don't care. We have each other, on the Internet. "Geek pride,"
that is our motto. While you are destroying your mind watching the
worthless brain-rotting drivel on TV ("Dave's World," Monday Nights,
CBS, check your local listings), we on the Internet are exchanging,
freely and openly, the most uninhibited, intimate and -- yes --
shocking details about our "CONFIG.SYS" settings.

You would not believe how wrought up we get about this type of
thing, on the Internet. I regularly connect with a computer group
that has a heated debate going on about -- I am not making this
issue up -- the timing of Hewlett-Packard's decision to upgrade from
a 386 to a 486 microprocessor in its Omnibook computer. This has
aroused enormous passion. People -- some of them from other
continents -- are sending snide, angry, sometimes furious messages
to each other. I'm sure that some of the participants, even as we
speak, are trying to figure out if there is a way to alter their
CONFIG.SYS settings so that they can electronically punch their
opponents in the mouth. This debate has been raging, soap-opera-like,
for months now, and I have become addicted to it. I tune in every day
to see what the leading characters are saying. You probably think
this is weird, but I don't care. I am a happy nerd in cyberspace,
where nobody can see my haircut.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Wedding-Bell Blues Become Actual Insanity
BY DAVE BARRY
Knight-Ridder News Service
Published: April 14, 1996

We're coming into wedding season, a magical time when the radiant
bride, on her Most Special Day, finally makes that long-awaited walk
down the Aisle of Joyfulness to stand next to the Man of Her Dreams,
only to sprint back up the Aisle of Joyfulness when she suddenly
realizes that she forgot to pluck out her Middle Eyebrow Hairs of
Grossness. Because the bride knows that a wedding video is forever.
She knows that, 20 years later, she could be showing her video to
friends, and as soon as she left the room they'd turn to each other
and say, "What WAS that on her forehead? A tarantula?"

Oh yes, there is a LOT of pressure on today's bride to make her Big
Day fabulous and perfect. Overseeing a modern wedding is comparable,
in terms of complexity, to flying the space shuttle; in fact it's
WORSE, because shuttle crew members don't have to select their silver
pattern. This is done for them by ground-based engineers:

COMMAND CENTER: Okay, Discovery, we're gonna go with the "Fromage de
Poisson" pattern, over?

DISCOVERY: Houston, we have a problem with the asparagus server.

Of course, the bride does get some help. The multibillion-dollar
U.S. wedding industry -- currently the second-largest industry in
the United States, behind the latte industry -- helps the bride by
publishing monthly bridal magazines the size of the U.S. tax code
full of products that the bride absolutely HAS to have and checklists
relentlessly reminding the bride of all the decisions she has to make
RIGHT NOW concerning critical issues such as the florist and the
caterer and the cake and the centerpieces and the guest favors for
the formal cocktail reception. (Of COURSE there have to be guest
favors at the formal cocktail reception! Don't you know ANYTHING?)

Of course, the groom has responsibilities, too. According to
ancient tradition, on the morning of the wedding the groom must
check the TV listings to make sure that there is no playoff game
scheduled during the ceremony, because if there is, he would have to
miss it (the ceremony).

But the other 19 million wedding details are pretty much left up to
the bride; this is why, when she finally gets to her Most Special
Day, she is clinically insane. Exhibit A is Princess Diana. People
ask: "What went wrong? Princess Diana had the Fairy Tale Wedding
of the Century!" Yes! Exactly! YOU try planning the Fairy Tale
Wedding of the Century! This poor woman didn't just have to think
about party favors; she had HORSES in her wedding. A LOT of them.
Just try to imagine the etiquette issues: What color should the
horses be? Should they be invited to the reception? Should they have
centerpieces? What if they EAT the centerpieces? These are just a few
of the issues Princess Diana was grappling with while Prince Charles
was out riding around whacking grouse with a polo mallet. No wonder
there was tension!

But it's not just Princess Diana: WEDDING planning makes ALL brides
crazy. Anybody who doubts this statement should investigate what
actually goes on at a "bridal shower." I don't know about you, but
I used to think that a shower was just a sedate little party wherein
the bride's women friends gave thoughtful little gifts to the bride
and ate salads with low-fat dressing on the side. Wrong! You would
not BELIEVE the bizarre things women do at these affairs. For
example, I have it on excellent authority that women at showers play
this game wherein teams compete to see who can make the best wedding
dress OUT OF TOILET PAPER. I'm not making this up! Ask a shower
attendee! If a MAN were to wrap himself in a personal hygiene
product, he'd immediately be confined in a room with no sharp
objects, but this is considered normal behavior for a woman planning
a wedding.

I have been informed by an informed source that women at bridal
showers also sometimes play a variation of "Pin the Tail on the
Donkey," except that instead of a picture of a donkey, they use a
picture of a man, and instead of a tail, they use something that is
not a tail, if you get my drift. I am not suggesting that Princess
Diana played this game at her shower, and I am certainly not
suggesting that the Queen did, so just get that mental picture out
of your mind right now.

All I'm saying is that, with spring upon us, you may find yourself
near a woman in the throes of planning a wedding; if so, you need
to recognize that she is under severe pressure, and above all you
need to do EXACTLY AS SHE SAYS. If she wants you to wrap yourself
in toilet paper, or purchase and wear a bridesmaid's dress that
makes you look like a walking Barcalounger, JUST DO IT. You should
do it even if you are the groom. Because this is the bride's Most
Special Day, and you want to help her make sure everything is
exactly the way you want it when the two of you finally stand
together in front of all your friends and loved ones, and you gaze
upon her face, and you say the words she has been waiting a lifetime
to hear: "Hey! What's that between your eyebrows?"

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</collage267>