Collage 268               H u m o u r N e t               27 MAY 96

I'm already late getting out of here ... might as well send out a
Collage before I hit the road for Albuquerque, right?

Since Collage 267 had the Opener From Hell, Collage 268 contains the
Opener for the Attention-Span Impaired.

Well, it *did*, anyway ... Randy Cassingham ("This is True") just
sent this to me regarding my "please do not redirect Collages ..."
opener in Collage 267:

"Your bottom line, of course, is correct: ... 'If you're stupid,
don't use a modem; if you use a modem,  don't be stupid. It's not
just a good idea, it's the law.'"

(Guess those of us who purchased "Personal T1 Lines" when AT&T had
that big sale last month are exempt from this particular law. But
it's still a Good Idea.)

Okay, enough opener -- I'm keeping this one anemic so I can get
outta here. This one's a "Sports Humor" Collage that has been
sitting around, bored -- until two new additions today gave it
enough momentum to elevate it to full Collage status. (Rare that I
can get material out the door this quickly.) So, without further
ado....

Richard in Phoenix sends us "Muscle Memory,"

Seth in Ohio helps out with "Covering the Kids,"

Steve Willoughby ("Oracle Service Humor List") provided the hysterical
"Top 15 Problems Encountered Along the Olympic Torch Route,"

and Liz in Nebraska takes credit for "College Entrance Exam, Football-
Player Version," a re-run from Collage 128 -- but well worth it.

Big thanks to Liz, Steve, Set, and Richard. And remember, I'll be
back at the HumourNet helm on 3 June.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Muscle Memory

A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he hears a woman
screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air. He runs
down the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people
standing watching a blazing building. On the tenth floor of the
building a woman, clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of
a window screaming for someone to save her baby.

The man steps forward and calls up to the woman, "Throw down your
baby and I'll catch it!"

"No! No!" the woman shouts back. "You might miss or drop my baby
and she'll be killed!"

"No I won't!" shouts the man. "I am Alec Maguire. I'm the
goalkeeper for Ireland's national football [soccer] team. I've
never missed a match in ten years and in all that time I have never
let the ball into my net."

"What? Not once?" calls the woman.

"No!" shouts back the man. "Not once. Every football player in the
world agrees that I am the best goalkeeper there has ever been".

And with that he adopts the classic goalkeepers stance - legs apart
and slightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the
waist and with his arms stretched downwards at a slight angle away
from his body, with palms facing forward.

"OK!" screams the woman. "I'll trust you. I've no choice! Here
she comes!"

So, with the flames roaring all around her, the woman throws the
baby from the window. However, the edge of the baby's shawl catches
on the woman's watch with the result that the child goes spinning
off to one side, tumbling head over heels and with her little arms
and legs flailing. The woman screams and the crowd gasps, all sure
that the baby will perish because she will fall out of reach of the
man.

The man remains motionless as the child descends, spinning and
tumbling further and further away from him as she comes. Then when
the baby is only feet from hitting the ground the man dives a full
30 feet across the pavement [sidewalk], catches the baby in his
outstretched right hand, pulls her in towards his chest and shields
her body with his left hand and arm. He hits the ground heavily on
his right side and lies motionless on the pavement for a few
seconds. Then, slowly, he raises himself to his feet and turns to
face the crowd and everyone sees that the child is alive.

The crowd is awe-struck. Then the crowd erupts with cheers and the
woman, still in danger herself, nearly faints with relief. The man,
still clutching the child to his chest in his right arm, waves to
the crowd of onlookers to acknowledge their appreciation. Then,
slowly and gracefully, he turns away from them, bounces the baby
twice on the ground, and kicks her 60 yards down the road.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Covering the Kids

After the birth of their third child, my aunt and uncle made a
shrewd observation:

"When you have your third kid, you have to change from a man-to-man
to a *zone defense* ..."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Top 15 Problems Encountered Along the Olympic Torch Route

15. Forward progress hampered by slow moving white Bronco.

14. Torch commandeered in Waco by over-zealous ATF agents.

13. One *really* pissed-off Smokey the Bear.

12. Budget cuts cause torch to be replaced by less-than-dependable
Bic lighter.

11. Difficulty getting melted marshmallows off torch after "s'mores"
party got out of hand.

10. Running 7 miles before realizing the torch is still on top of
the urinal at the last rest stop.

9. First-degree burns to runners unfamiliar with how to "receive
the baton."

8. Jim Bob, lying in wait on the outskirts of Memphis with a case
of Bud and a Supersoaker.

7. Rosie Ruiz takes flame in NYC -- appears 30 minutes later in
Atlanta.

6. Drive-by goosings.

5. Torchbearers driven insane by repeated playing of the "Chariots
of Fire" theme.

4. Torch-jackings in urban areas.

3. Crazed hippie terrorists replace Olympic Torch with new Olympic
Bong.

2. Male runners repeatedly get lost and refuse to stop for
directions.

1. Obnoxious drunks who run up and yell, "No, I meant a BUD light!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version

Time Limit: 3 WKS

Name: _____________________________

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ____________________________________________
Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton: __________________________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell
your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you
have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when
(approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.

* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.

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