Collage 269               H u m o u r N e t                3 JUN 96

As many of the veteran HumourNetters already know, I do not identify
with one political party or the other, instead preferring a more
eclectic basis for issue alignment.

Thus, when I cull together a political-humor Collage, I generally
try to make it walk the bipartisan demilitarized zone -- overall,
anyway. Since the material I had to work with for this Collage was
primarily from the left, I have seen fit to augment it with my
signature insipid commentary -- this time, from the right. (At least
I won't be called a "pabulum-puking liberal" this time around.)

To that end, we start off with some nearly-current events....

In the latest exciting announcement to come out of the White House
(the latest, that is, aside from Bill and Hillary's distancing
themselves from the Whitewater Trio), Hillary Clinton is now talking
about the possibility of there being another child roaming around
the White House (in addition to Chelsea and Bill, of course).

Well, she'd better move quickly -- she only has a few months left at
that address. In fact, if things keep going the way they've been,
she and Bill might soon be trading the White House for the Big House.

Hillary also discussed adoption as a possible route to family
enlargement. Not surprising, really: I'm sure it's difficult for her
to get pregnant in their current arrangement -- that is, with Bill
sleeping with everyone but her.

At any rate, adoption shouldn't be a difficult adjustment for them --
Hillary has spoken publicly in favor of adoption on several occasions,
and Bill is already well accustomed to the concept of Clinton offspring
that aren't Hillary's.

So is most of Arkansas.

OTOH, our political endeavors here in the U.S. are creating a bit of
a problem overseas ...

<Reuter news wire>

"Spelling of Dole's Name a Problem"

Tehran - For the past few weeks, the behind-the-doors discussion at
many Iranian newspaper and magazine publishing outfits seems to be
revolving not around political, social and economic issues, but the
spelling of Bob Dole's name ...

(Sure ... they want to get it right when they paint it on the front
of the Scud.)

It turns out that the proper spelling of the Republican Party's ...
nominee, Dole, is exactly the same as that of the word "penis" in
Persian.

(Let's face it, kids: Between Bob and Bill, if *either* of them
should be named as such ... well, it probably isn't Bob.)

"At first it might seem funny to some people, but it's creating a
serious issue for us. How can we write headlines using that word?"
said Majid Fanni, a prepress specialist at a Tehran service bureau.

(I can see it now: "Americans Elect a Dole as President." It'll just
confirm their worst fears....)

</Reuter>

I wonder if this means SurfWatch will have to add "Dole" into their
list of unacceptable words?

Well, I don't think we'll have to worry about that; as soon as the
nation finds out that Bob Dole has actually been deceased for several
years, they'll have to find another candidate to replace him. (Maybe
not, though -- I've never seen a law *against* electing a corpse to
public office.)

Anyway, a big thanks to Dan in Massachusetts for the "Dole" story;
and kudos for the contents of this Collage are delivered as follows:

Alicia takes credit for "Top Ten Ways Buchanan Celebrated His N.H.
Victory";

Russ in Michigan sends us "More on Pat Buchanan";

Mike in Colorado contributes "How Many Republicans";

"Freudian Slip" and "You Might Be a Republican If" come to us from
Karen in Colorado;

"Supply and Demand" is provided by Mike in North Carolina;

Thomas sends us "Political Briefs";

Edmund contributes "The Wish Tax";

and Kevan in Maine closes this issue with "Discerning Democrats and
Republicans."

A big round of applause for our contributors: <audience applause>

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Top Ten Ways Buchanan Celebrated His N.H. Victory
(From "The Late Show with David Letterman")

10. Beer and pizza with the Grand Wizard

9. Chased a group of Canadian tourists back across the border

8. Fended off the advances of a drunk Elizabeth Dole

7. Threw confetti made from the Bill of Rights

6. Went down to the college quad and whipped himself some hippie a**

5. Drank bottle of victory champagne from Mark Fuhrman

4. Invaded a Polish restaurant

3. Wrote some new lyrics for "God Bless America"

2. Attended an early victory party for Bill Clinton

1. When asked what he's going to do now, shouted, "I'm gonna bomb
the crap outta Disneyworld!"

[Editor's Note: Really should have been "EuroDisney" there. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More on Pat Buchanan

Did you hear that Pat Buchanan had a relative die in a concentration
camp during the Holocaust?

He fell out of a guard tower.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: How Many Republicans ...

Q. How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Four hundred and sixty-two:

Twelve to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the
old bulb,

[... which is looking more serious by the day ... </vs>]

twenty-three to deregulate the light bulb industry,

sixteen to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D,

[Editor's Note: Wasn't it Clinton who cut funding for nuclear fusion
research? </vs>]

thirty-four to cut the tax rate on light bulbs,

[Editor's Note: And I guess the liberals would rather see the tax
rate *increased*? </vs>]

fifty-three to design a block grant so states can change their own
bulbs,

forty-one to talk with defense contractors about night-vision gear
instead,

and two hundred eighty-three to pass a law making it illegal to
discuss naked bulbs or screwing anything on the Internet.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Freudian Slip

Bill and Hillary were attending a major league baseball game and had
seats in the front row. A secret service agent walked over to Bill
and whispered something in his ear. Bill turned around, picked up
Hillary, and threw her out on the field.

The secret service agent, looking dismayed, leaned over and whispered
in Bill's ear, "No, I said they want you to throw out the first
PITCH!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: You Might Be a Republican If ...

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've named your kids "Deduction One" and Deduction Two."

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were
just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic
minority here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to
welfare.

[Editor's Note: Wasn't there once something said about "God helps
those who help themselves ..." -- nah, never mind. :-) </vs>]

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

[Editor's Note: Oh, but being pro-choice and anti-capital-punishment
*makes* sense? (Note, BTW, that this is *not* an indictment of
abortion rights, so much as a criticism of inconsistency on the left
where capital punishment is concerned. Obviously, inconsistencies
abound at *both* fringes.) </vs>]

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

[Editor's Note: Surely, the *Unabomber* is a good role model for
left-wing humor. :-) </vs>]

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of
b*tches."

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert
and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns in case a bear ever attacks
your home.

Vietnam made a lot of sense to you.

You point to "Hootie and the Blowfish" as evidence of the end of
racism in America.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're afraid of the "liberal media."

You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of
pornographers.

You think all artists are gay.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can
because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull himself up by his bootstraps, when
he doesn't even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Supply and Demand

A fellow heard of a place that transplanted brains and could change
your life. He phoned them for information, and was told he could
have a scientist's brain for $5 per ounce, or a doctor's brain for
$10 per ounce, or a politician's brain for $250 per ounce.

He asked why the politician's brain was so expen$ive, and was told,
"Do you know how many politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Political Briefs

On a talk show recently Bob Dole was asked, "Mr. Dole, do you wear
briefs or boxers?"

He responded, "Depends."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Wish Tax

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for weeks but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God, requesting the
$100.

When the postal authorities received the letter GOD USA, they decided
to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed,
touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the
little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear
to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted
with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which
read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that
for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as
usual, those bast*rds deducted $95.00.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Discerning Democrats and Republicans

* Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.

* Republicans consume three-fourths of all the rutabaga produced in
this country. The remainder is thrown out.

* Republicans give their worn-out clothes to those less fortunate.
Democrats wear theirs.

* Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on the bugs.

* Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, though there is
seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.

* Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. Democrats
put them in the bottom of the bird cage.

* Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
windows by Democrats.

* Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmations, and eyebrows. Democrats
raise Airdales, kids, and taxes.

* Democrats eat the fish they catch. Republicans hang them on the
wall.

* Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry
Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.

* Democrats make up plans and then do something else. Republicans
follow the plans their grandfathers made.

* Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
That's why there are more Democrats.

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