Collage 270               H u m o u r N e t                5 JUN 96

In Collage 248, I mentioned a gondola ride at Big Sky (Montana) that
I shared with a "loudmouthed, overweight trial lawyer from Florida,"
who -- for various reasons -- *nearly* had me contemplating a leap
from the gondola.

In response to that, Mel (in Maryland) wrote to me to ask why I was
considering throwing *myself* from the car, when I *should* have
"thrown his fat [butt] outta the gondola."

(I have such a supportive constituency.)

Well, that's a *really nice* idea, Mel, but it has several serious
shortcomings:

1. It is a well-documented fact that lawyers bounce -- and often
survive the impact. Otherwise, they'd be getting hurled from windows
regularly.

2. This *particular* model lawyer had the "substantial extra padding"
option installed -- and would *certainly* have survived the fall,
probably unscathed.

3. Lawyers who survive such things -- being pushed from gondolas,
being pushed from windows, waking up in the morning, breathing, etc.
-- tend to develop an irrational desire to file lawsuits. Hence, the
saying, "The only *good* lawyer...." ;-)

4. The recoil from the sudden loss of ballast when he left the car
might well have derailed the gondola. Either way, the "G" forces
would probably have caused structural damage to my ski equipment.

5. I saw no reason to endanger innocent skiers on the slope below.

So, I decided to go with my statistics training and did *not* attempt
to teach him -- ever so briefly -- about the joys of freefall.

Speaking of statistics, a single lawyer one way or the other would
hardly have made a difference, anyway; Kim in Maryland sends us the
following frightening thoughts from the book, _Lawyers_and_Other_
Reptiles_, by Jess M. Brallier:

    * There are more lawyers just in Washington, D.C. than in
      all of Japan.

    * Two-thirds of the world's lawyers are in the United States.

Kim also sends us a mini-collage of lawyer humor, "Thicker Than Water,
Thinner Than Currency (And other selected lawyer jokes)," from the
same book.

Dr. Mike in Baltimore follows up with "Professional Courtesy. (Note
that this is Maryland's *third* appearance in this Collage -- fourth
if you count the moderator's comments. Surely, it's no coincidence
that Maryland is right outside Washington, D.C.)

Neil in Massachusetts contributes some "Environmental Waste."

And Richard in Phoenix closes with "Prerequisites."

Welcome to yet another Lawyer-Humor Collage -- with apologies to
underpaid public prosecutors everywhere (including Lori in Georgia,
who tells me that lawyer jokes don't apply to them).

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Thicker Than Water, Thinner Than Currency
      (And other selected lawyer jokes)

(The following are excerpted from the book,
_Lawyers_and_Other_Reptiles_, by Jess M. Brallier)

For years two brothers -- one a lawyer and the other a deaf-mute
accountant -- worked for a mobster. Whenever the mobster and the
accountant needed to communicate, the lawyer brother would use sign
language and serve as an interpreter.

One day the mobster realized his books were short $3 million. He
called in the two brothers. Looking at the lawyer and pointing to
the accountant, he screamed, "You tell this son-of-a-b*tch I want to
know where my money is!"

The brothers conversed briefly, and the lawyer reported that his
brother had no idea what the mobster was talking about.

Furious, the mobster put a gun to the accountant's head and screamed
at the lawyer brother, "Tell this b*stard that he lets me know --
right now -- where the damn money is or I'll blow his brains out!"

The lawyer told this to his brother, who immediately explained -- in
frantic sign language -- that the money was hidden in a suitcase
under his basement steps.

"Well? What'd he say?" yelled the mobster.

The lawyer shrugged, "He says you don't have the balls."

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Q: If something was run over on a highway, how could you tell if it
was a skunk or a lawyer?
A: If it was a skunk, there'd be skid marks.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

After the 40-year-old lawyer died, she screamed at Saint Peter,
"How can you do this to me? A heart attack at my age! I'm only 40!"

Replied Saint Peter, "Well, Hillary, when we looked at your total
billable hours, we figured you had to be a least 95."

[Editor's Note: Reference to Hillary added in by your HumourNet
moderator. :-) </vs>]

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

A lawyer died and immediately went to hell for all his professional
sins. As the Devil was leading him closer and closer to the hottest
fires, he noticed another lawyer making passionate love to an
absolutely gorgeous woman.

"Damn it," said the lawyer, "how come I'm going to go down even
farther to roast forever while this lawyer gets his eternal way with
that beautiful woman?

The Devil turned to him and angrily screamed, "And who are you to
question that woman's punishment?!"

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

At a cemetery outside of Buffalo three men -- a priest, a physician,
and a lawyer -- joined the grieving widow at the services for their
dearest friend. The widow asked if each could place an offering in
the casket, as this had long been a custom in her husband's family.

The priest nodded his head and then said a short prayer before
placing a $100 bill in the casket.

The physician, nearly in tears, also placed a $100 bill in the
casket.

Then the lawyer scribbled out a check for $300, put it in the
casket, and pocketed the $200 cash.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Washington, D.C. has the most lawyers and New Jersey has the most
toxic waste dumps -- New Jersey had first choice.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Q: How do you know that God, who created the world out of chaos and
darkness, is a lawyer?
A: Because he made chaos and darkness first.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

The Devil approached a hard-working lawyer and asked, "Aren't you
tired of not making all the money you deserve? Sick of not being
respected like physicians are? Frustrated by the long hours?"

"Sure I am," replied the lawyer.

"Just as I thought," said the Devil. "So here's what I'm going to
offer you: Over a million dollars a year in income, a penthouse in
Manhattan, a private jet, an ocean-side mansion, a vacation every
other week, and your choice of the sexiest women in the world."

The lawyer smiled.

"And in return," the Devil continued, "all I ask is for your eternal
soul."

The lawyer paused to give the offer serious consideration. He
played with his suspenders, he fingered an unlit cigar, and ignored
the scream of an ambulance passing by outside. He eyed the Devil.
He concentrated. Then he sighed, "Okay, what's the catch?"

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

The doctor finally reached his table at a dinner party after
breaking away from a woman who sought advice on a health problem.

"Do you think I should send her a bill?" the doctor asked a lawyer
who sat next to him.

"Why not?" the lawyer replied. "You rendered professional services
by giving advice."

"Thanks," the physician said. "I think I'll do that."

When the doctor went to his office the next day to send a bill to
the woman, he found a note from the lawyer. It read: "For legal
services, $50."

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

An Ohio man went to see a Cleveland lawyer and asked what his least
expensive fee was. "One hundred dollars for three questions," said
the lawyer.

"Isn't that an awful lot of money for three questions?" asked the
man.

"Yes," said the lawyer. "What is your final question?"

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

A REALLY, REALLY BAD DAY: August 27, 1878: At a meeting in
Saratoga, New York, the American Bar Association was founded.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

When an elderly New York lawyer, after a typically long life of sin,
was told he had only days to live, he rushed home and began to
frantically leaf through the Bible, looking for loopholes.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Professional Courtesy

A cruise ship sinks in the South Pacific, and the only survivors in
the only lifeboat are a Doctor, a Priest, and a Lawyer. As they
float over the endless blue Pacific, they realize that they have to
be saved or find land soon, as they are becoming progressively
dehydrated and starved. During the day, they are baked by the sun,
and at night they are forced to huddle together due to the chill.

On the morning of the third day following the demise of their ship,
they spot a small island in the distance. As the day progresses, it
begins to look like they are heading toward it, and might actually
be saved. Unfortunately, the currents start carrying them past the
island.

The Doctor decides that he can't take it any longer, jumps into the
ocean, and begins swimming for the island. He makes it 150 feet,
and then gets attacked and eaten by sharks. It's a horrible sight,
and the Priest and Lawyer have to turn away, they can't watch.

The currents are still carrying them away from the island, when the
Priest prays, and jumps into the water, screaming, "My faith will
save me!" He makes it 300 feet before the sharks get him.

Now, the lawyer is all alone. Depressed having watched his two
newest friends die, he decides to make a go of it himself rather
than die from exposure and thirst. He makes it 600 feet before the
sharks come after him. Suddenly, he is carried by the sharks the
whole distance to the island.

As he reaches the beach, he sees that the local islanders have been
watching the whole sequence of events. Astonished that he survived
his swim, they ask him why the sharks didn't eat him, too. The
lawyer replies,

"Professional courtesy."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Environmental Waste

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are on a train.

The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack; pours
some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best
vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good
as the one we produce in Ukrain. And we have so much of it, that we
can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and
throws the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, removes one, lights it and begins
to smoke it, saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the
world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there are so many and so good
cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them
away..." Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the
window. Once again, everyone is quite impressed.

At this point, the American just stands up, opens the window, and
throws the lawyer through it...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Prerequisites

Old farmer Brown passes away after a short illness. His estate
shows he had a substantial life insurance policy, but the company
doesn't want to pay.

So the company sends their hot-shot attorney down to contest the
policy. During the legal proceedings the hot-shot attorney is
questioning the country doctor who signed the death certificate.
"Well, Dr. Smith, you were not present when farmer Brown died, so
how do you know that he is dead, and not out on some island resort
somewhere?"

The doctor thought for a while and said, "You know you're right. I
wasn't there when he passed away, and at the autopsy I removed his
brain and stored it in formaldehyde in a jar in my office, so
there's a distinct possibility that he could be out practicing law
somewhere."

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