Collage 271               H u m o u r N e t                6 JUN 96

"Fun with AltaVista"

I have several servers running on Colossus (my Macintosh), and, being
the anal-retentive network-security type that I am, I check the logs
very regularly. Earlier today ("today" being 7 May 96), I noticed the
following back-link reference in my Web-server log:

http://altavista.digital.com/cgi-bin/query?pg=aq&what=web&fmt=
.&q=%22Princess+Diana%22+NEAR+%28nude+OR+naked%29&r=&d0=&d1=

(The "back reference" tells me where the request originated, and can
optionally be used to track pointers *to* my web pages.) Let me
translate the key parts of this URL for you: The user was performing
a search on AltaVista (one of the big Internet search engines, and
my own personal favorite, by far) for the following string:

"Princess Diana" NEAR (nude OR naked)

In other words, this poor social deviant was searching for a picture
(well, *presumably* a picture) of Princess Diana in the nude. What he
got was Collage 45 here at HQ HumourNet. Why? Because, back then, I
was still including Randy Cassingham's "THIS is TRUE" (nee "This
Just In") mailings in my Collages, and that one happened to contain
the following passage:

"Princess Diana, visiting a nude beach on St. Barthelemy, noticed a
nearby Frenchman, Marc Morelli, was getting ready for the sun by
stripping down. 'The princess began to giggle. And when she realised
he was going the whole way, she burst out laughing,' the Daily Mirror
reported. (Reuter) ...It wasn't until that moment that she understood
Charles was lying about what 'large ears' represented."

(For those of you who are interested: Yes, TRUE/TJI *was* being used
with permission. Also worth mentioning: Per Randy's format in TRUE,
the last sentence in the paragraph above is his comment on the
preceding news clip. If you'd like to see more of Randy's handiwork
(highly recommended), send a blank e-mail to TrueInfo@freecom.com.)

*Another* AltaVista search hit the HumourNet Web server on 9 May;
this query was:

"hemorrhoids + pictures"

(There are some *really* sick pups out there.) What he found was
Collage 12 -- probably not what he was searching for. :-)

Collage 26 just took a hit from an AltaVista search (14 May) on the
following search string: "naked + coeds"; what he got was the "Guy
Page" from Collage 26 -- again, probably not what he had in mind.
(Although well worth a look in itself. Really. Go DL it. It's
hysterical.)

Here are some more searches that have hit various Collages in the
archives:

20 May: explicit + nude + photos + pregnant + free + blond
(Excuse me?)

23 May: free + pictures + of + women + naked + in + the + bathtub
(Almost embarrassing that these searches are hitting Collages. What
the hell have I been putting in these things, anyway?)

25 May: "in her bra" OR "wearing a bra" OR "in my bra"
(This person apparently left out the "lift" and "separate" keywords.)

26 May: "never wear underwear" OR "nothing underneath"
(Presumably looking for pictures of Joan Jet or Jimmy Buffet. ;-)

And while we're on the subject of searches (and old Collages), the
following opening line from Collage 13 has received an inordinate
number of hits lately:

"Hello again, CyberPunks and CyberBabes ..."

(We were a little less formal back then.)

Why? Well, it seems that a *lot* of people have recently been
searching on the word "cyberbabes." I won't speculate as to why this
particular word has suddenly generated so much interest -- I'll
leave that up to your own imaginations. Interestingly, most of
these hits have come from -- you guessed it -- AltaVista. What *is*
it with them? Do they advertise in Penthouse or what?

I think I'm going to configure my Web server to direct all incoming
AltaVista searches to a page that features subscription information
for our sister list, "Bawdy.Net." (They're all yours, Shawn.... :-)

On a similar note: Matt, the maintainer of the "Spacenet" Web page,
<http://www.hazmat.com/spacenet.html> has reported an inordinate
number of hits on a page that contains the word "spam." (For those
of you who are new to the 'Net, spam has something of a cult
following in cyberspace (for example, you can check out the infamous
"Spam Cam": <http://www.fright.com/cgi-bin/spamcam>) -- and connotes
more than merely the quasi-food product. See, for example,
<http://math-www.uni-paderborn.de/~axel/BL/blacklist.html#spam>.)

Since many search engines optionally prioritize search hits by
number of occurrences, I have suggested to Matt that he create a web
page containing solely the word "spam," repeated a few thousand
times. He could name it the "Ultimate Spam Page," and launch a
Web-wide experiment. Matt has been reluctant to do this, for fear
that his server might not be able to handle the load....

And as I sit here typing this, another AltaVista search has hit the
server:

((princess+of+wales) OR (princess+diana) OR (princess+di) OR
(duchess+of+york) OR (fergie)) NEAR (nude OR naked OR topless)

I hope he liked Collage 45. (BTW, the server also tells me "who" was
performing the search. Heh ... You know who you are. So do I. And I
plan to publish the complete list in the next Collage, unless I
receive a large amount of cash. Soon. Really soon.) (Remember: We
don't mean to offend, we just want the money.) (Okay, I'm kidding.
But you can still send the cash if you'd like. :-)

To be sure, this is just a small cross-section of the more, let's
say, "mainstream" searches that I see on a day-to-day basis. I'd
just prefer it if my Web page attracted, well, a *better clientele*.
Luckily, Pastor Rus (Collage 255) is helping me out in that area; on
23 May, the following AltaVista search hit Collage 255:

                    "sermon illustrations"

And now, Collage 271 will forever serve as a source of sermon
illustrations whenever someone searches on those keywords. (I'd
better clean up my act, I guess.) Unfortunately, what the searcher
is going to find in this opener are nude princesses, pictures of
hemorrhoids, naked coeds, cyberbabes, and spam.

That's going to be one *hell* of a sermon.

But hey, as long as someone is here looking for sermon material, we
might as well give him something that'll *really* put the currency
on the collection plate ...

Randy Cassingham sends us "Reality vs. Spirituality" and "Getting
Down to Business,"

Richard in Phoenix contributes "The Top 16 Biblical Ways to Acquire
a Wife,"

Lenore in Virginia takes credit for "Turnabout is Fair Play,"

Paul in the UK provides "Floating-Point God,"

Andrew in England sends "Lincoln on Church,"

and someone who can't read Collage trailers sent "Genesis, Chapter 1,
Release 3.0" -- attributed here anonymously because the sender sent
it to the wrong address, and his return address was stripped out in
the Collage-processing stage. (BTW, see Collage 65 for Release 2.0 of
Genesis.)

Many thanks to our contributors.

Enjoy! (And go in peace.)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Reality vs. Spirituality

Pocahontas talking to an enchanted tree and living peacefully among
the birds and forest animals: That's spirituality.

Pocahontas receiving a dues statement from her local synagogue:
That's religion.

-- Rabbi Joshua Hammerman in "The Jewish Week," 12/29/95

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Top 16 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head,
trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
-- Deuteronomy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

Find a prostitute and marry her.
-- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his
flock.
-- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
-- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one
and carry her off to be your wife.
-- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will
cost you a rib.
-- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in
marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work
another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first
place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
-- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and
get his daughter for a wife.
-- David (I Samuel 18:27)

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll
definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)
-- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
-- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I
have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents
question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one
for me."
-- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons
though).
-- David (2 Samuel 11)

Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a
good idea, it's the law).
-- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
-- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

A wife?...NOT!!!
-- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Turnabout is Fair Play

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly
confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot
the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he
could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a
very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in
rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms,
and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some *religion*!"

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few
feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced
around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God,
for the food I'm about to receive...."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Floating-Point God

God is Real -- unless declared Integer.

[Editor's Note: I once wrote a paper (for an astrophysics course)
that used rather loose interpretations of Anselm's God and Einstein's
General Theory of Relativity to prove that God is 16-dimensional and
hyperbolic. Maybe someday I'll commit it to hypertext and put it on
the Web page. It'll be interesting to see for what searches *that*
page generates hits ... </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Lincoln on Church

Abraham Lincoln once said: "If all the people who attended Church
were laid head to toe ... they would feel much more comfortable."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Getting Down to Business

[Editor's Note: It's not an oversight -- while formatting this one,
I *intentionally* decided to leave Randy's comment in the joke. I
was amused by it. I think it adds something. Enjoy. :-) </vs>]

God comes down to check things out one day ...

He goes up to a guy and says, "If you give me $50 to show your faith in
me, I'll give you everlasting life."

The man replies, "I'm an atheist. You don't exist, so that would be
a poor investment risk." [whatever, make up your own damn punch line]

Next, He approaches another guy and makes the same offer. That fellow
says, "I'm an agnostic, but I'll give you the money Just In Case."

Suddenly, a third guy comes running over and says to God, "I don't
give a damn *who* you are, but *I'm* Oral Roberts -- I'll give you
$500 if you show me the trick you did on the second guy!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Genesis, Chapter 1, Release 3.0
by: Ian P. Mitchell, University of Calgary (Alberta, Canada)

If God were process oriented, the Book of Genesis would read
something like this:

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth
was without form and void, so God created a small committee. He
carefully balanced the committee vis-a-vis race, gender, ethnic
origin and economic status in order to interface pluralism with the
holistic concept of self-determination according to adjudicatory
guidelines. Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day.

And God said, "Let the committee draw up a mission statement." And
behold, the committee decided to prioritize and strategize and God
called that process empowerment. And God thought it sounded pretty
good. And evening and morning were the second day.

And God said, "Let the committee determine goals and objectives and
engage in long term planning." Unfortunately, a debate about the
semantic differences between goals and objectives preempted almost
all of the third day. Although the question was never satisfactorily
resolved, God thought the process was constructive. And evening and
morning were the third day.

And God said, "Let there be a retreat in which the committee can
envision functional organization and engage in planning by
objectives." The committee considered adjustment of priorities and
consequential alternatives to program directions, and God saw that
this was good. And God thought that it was even worth all of the
coffee and doughnuts that he had to supply. And so ended the fourth
day.

And God said, "Let the committee be implemented with long range
planning and strategy." The committee considered guidelines and
linkages and structural sensitivities, and alternatives and
implemental models. And God saw that this was very democratic. And
so would have ended the fifth day, except for the unintentional
renewal of the debate about the differences between goals and
objectives.

On the sixth day, the committee agreed on criteria for adjudicatory
assessment and evaluation. This wasn't the agenda that God had
planned. He wasn't able to attend however, because he had to take
the afternoon off to create day and night and heaven and earth and
seas and plants and stars and trees and seasons and years and sun
and moon and birds and fish and animals and human beings.

On the seventh day, God rested and the committee submitted its
recommendations. It turned out that the recommended forms for
things were nearly identical to the way that God had created them;
so the committee passed a resolution commending God for his
implementation according to the guidelines. There was, however,
some opinion expressed that people should have been created in the
committee's image.

And God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the committee.

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</collage271>