Collage 272               H u m o u r N e t               10 JUN 96

I have previously poked fun at Microsoft, Windoze, Gates, et al.;
naturally, this means that Redmond, WA, is often the *geographical*
target of many of these jokes (if not the literal target). Well,
Jeff writes to me from Wauconda, Washington -- apparently somewhere
near Redmond -- with a unique perspective on Redmond, Micro$oft,
and the impact of corporate expansion on Seattle-style romance:

"... folks used to make jokes about Redmond, WA, because it was such
a small, hick town.  My cousins visiting from L.A. would say it was
so small that it said 'Welcome' on both sides of the same sign.
Microsoft used to be one building in Bellevue, WA.  Soon it was two
buildings, then three.  Things got confusing.  Finally they moved the
whole works to an 80 acre plot known locally as '80 acres.' (Duh?)"

Eighty acres to house an operation that could live comfortably on
*one* acre -- assuming, of course, that it was designed efficiently.
Sounds like most of their products ...

"Soon came the BMWs and the yuppies who drive 'em. My girlfriend and
I got married since our primary make-out spot was now gone."

Not to worry, Jeff, it's still a "make-out" spot; the new tenants
are just screwing a larger number of people, that's all. :-)

Ah, the hazards of Microsoft. Bad enough (for Jeff) that they moved
to Redmond. Suppose they had moved to New Jersey? The state would
*never* get a handle on that toxic-waste problem. Or Cupertino? MS
would probably purchase Apple entirely by accident one day -- while
looking for suitable cafeteria space, most likely.

But suppose they moved down South? Let's say, to Georgia? Well,
Lorraine answers that *exact* question for us in this Collage, the
next in a long (and distinguished) line of "Microsoft is the Blight
of the Earth" Collages:

Lorraine in Texas brings us "Microsoft Moving to Georgia?" -- an
in-depth look at the possibilities.

Or, as the song goes, "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" ... so Mark
in Virginia brings us the ultimate comparison: "Microsoft vs. Hell."

On the lighter side, Dominick in Maryland sends "Making Love to a
PC User vs. Mac User."

Dr. Mike in Baltimore contributes a theological perspective on the
problem with "Thus Spake Gates."

Randy Cassingham accepts kudos for "Cluster Activity" (a synopsis of
Microsoft as only Randy could deliver it).

For the Tolkien perspective, Carrie in Denver sends "One OS to Rule
Them." (More like "One Whiz-Bang Marketing Ploy to Sell Them.")

And Claus in Denmark takes game, set, and match with the piece, "But
We Already *Knew* American English Wasn't a Language."

Many thanks to this issue's contributors. Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Microsoft Moving to Georgia?

How things would be different if Microsoft were headquartered in
Georgia:

1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders

2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle

3. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw"

4. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos

5. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse

6. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be
Achey-Breaky Heart

7. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"

8. Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag

9. New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now, Yah hear?!"

10. Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse

11. Spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead
cars in your front yard

12. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator

13. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Microsoft vs. Hell

The top ten reasons Eternal Damnation is better
than Windows Software Development ...

Eternal Damnation                     Windows Development
-----------------------------         ------------------------------

                              - 10 -
It never ends.                        You think you're almost done,
                                      but you never really finish.

                              - 9 -
You burn forever, but are not         Each update introduces new
consumed.                             and improved tortures, which
                                      slowly consume you.

                              - 8 -
Your fate is in the hands of          Your fate is in the hands of
Satan, Prince of Darkness.            Gates, Prince of Incompatibility.

                              - 7 -
Satan gives you something you         Gates makes you buy Windows 95.
want in return for being damned.

                              - 6 -
It is avoidable; an attractive,       Resistance is futile. All the
widely-marketed alternative is        alternatives are damned or
available.                            doomed.

                              - 5 -
It is free.                           You pay, and pay, and pay just
                                      to stay in the game.

                              - 4 -
Satan was once an angel.              Gates started by writing a BASIC
                                      interpreter.

                              - 3 -
Hell has no Windows.                  Microsoft does.

                              - 2 -
You only pass the Gates of Hell       The Gates of Microsoft keeps
one time.                             popping up everywhere you look.

                          AND NUMBER ONE:
Satan genuinely believes in the       Gates just does it for the money.
triumph of Evil.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Making Love to a PC User vs. Mac User

To make love to a PC user, you first have to make certain the sex
board is properly seated in its slot, the board has the right IRQ
setting, and the driver is in the config.sys file. Then reboot,
find the file excite.exe in the sex folder, and load.

To make love to a Mac user, you just plug and play.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Thus Spake Gates
By Jack Warner
Excerpted from the Atlanta Journal/Constitution, 9/10/95

In the beginning, there was nothing but Apple. And the PC was
without form and void, and the darkness was on the face of its hard
drive. And Bill said, "Let there be DOS." And there was DOS. And
Bill looked upon it, and it was good, and with it the PC slew the
Apple. And DOS grew and grew, until its number was legion if you
counted the decimal points, and still it was good.

And Bill grew large with ambition, and he decreed there should be a
processor of words; and lo, there was Word. And Bill sayeth, Let
there be a thingy for the crunching of numbers, and lo, there was
Excel, and did his kingdom grow apace.

But there had arisen in the land the thing called Macintosh, sprung
from the intransigent Apple-men, and Bill looked upon it, and saw it
was better

Rapidly did he decree that Word should be made to run upon it, and
after that Excel, and then all the other fruits of his efforts, but
still he was wrathful.

So Bill did order his minions to come forth with Windows, and when
they did, he looked upon it, and it was bad.

So he sent them back to try again, assuring all the world they would
get it right this time, yet they did not.

Unrelenting, Bill forced yet a third mighty blow, and when it came
forth, Bill did order his trumpets to blow, and his chorus to sing,
and his criers to cry, until the din could be heard throughout the
land; and when he looked upon this third version of Windows, he saw
it was not all that great, but like hotcakes did it sell.

And thus did Bill gloat, for the world proclaimed he had matched the
lowly Macintosh, and his praises were sung throughout the land.

And so he ordered another, mightier, more magnificent version made,
and his henchmen and henchwomen did labor hard.

Still it was not forthcoming in the year promised, nor the year
promised next, and rumors did abound, and magazines did overflow
with secret peeks, and columnists did heap their scorn upon it. And
came the minions of the Justice Department, bent upon proving Bill
monopolous, yet before his wrath did they quail, and proclaim him
innocent, mostly.

And that which was once called Chicago became known as Windows 95,
and the suspense built throughout the land, and Bill, remembering
what had gone before, set about building a great Hype.

Into his Hype he put the greatest mouths of the land, and scattered
the fruits of his profits so heavily that he bought hosts of angels
to sing, and Rolling Stones songs, and trumpets and horns and drums
without number. As the time of birthing grew nigh, he purchased
television time without end, and appeared thereon himself, and
bought entire editions of newspapers to give away unto the faithful,
and traveling circuses to visit each great city.

And so when Windows 95 was born did hysteria rule the land, as the
choirs sang and the trumpets and horns did blare and the televisions
and the newspapers charged their followers to go forth and buy.

Heeding this, the populace did rush to the marketplace at the stroke
of midnight, when even the cock doth sleep, and did push and shove
and come even to blows the better to secure their own copies lest
they be thought ignorant, or uncool, or hamsters in the eyes of
Bill.

And Bill looked upon what he had wrought, and he giggled, and
rubbeth his hands together, and even in the moment of his triumph,
began to think of Next Time.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Cluster Activity

Date: Mon, 25 Mar 1996 12:55
From: Randy Cassingham <arcie@netcom.com>
To:  letters@infoworld.com
Subject: Cluster Activity

I was startled, then amused when I noticed your front-page headline
[3/18/96] on Microsoft and Digital "Mounting Separate Cluster
Initiatives." I can't tell you in a professional publication what
the phrase "cluster activity" brings immediately to my mind, but I
_can_ say that it's an appropriate phrase when attached to some of
Microsoft's actions.

Randy Cassingham
Pasadena, Calif.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: One OS to Rule Them

Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit.

As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed
Windows 95 on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating
system and showed him the Windows 95 CD.

To my surprise he threw it into my microwave oven and turned on the
oven. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious
to me, but he said, "Do not worry, it is unharmed."

After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said,
"Take a close look at it."

To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be
heavier than before. At first I couldn't see anything, but on the
inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, an inscription
finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone
piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:

12413AEB2ED4FA5E6F7D78E78BEDE8209450920F923A40EE10E510CC98D444AA08E1

"I cannot understand the fiery letters," I said.

"No, but I can," he said. "The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode,
but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here.
But in common English this is what it says,

'One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.'"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: But We Already *Knew* American English Wasn't a Language
Excerpted from "WinNews," Vol. 3, #5, 19 Feb 1996
(WinNews is a newsletter/commercial from Microsoft)

"Our top news this week is that the Windows 95 Service Pack has been
released. This can be downloaded from the Windows 95 home page at
http://www.microsoft.com/windows. Please note that this Service
Pack does not run on the English Pan-European version of Windows 95
or any other language version of Windows 95."

[Editor's Note: If I am understanding this correctly, it states that
the Service Pack(tm) does not run on the English P-E version *or any
other language version* of Win95. In effect, it doesn't run on
anything. So, we conclude, it is barely distinguishable from any
other Micro$oft product. </vs>]

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