Collage 273               H u m o u r N e t               12 JUN 96

What is it with women and cats? Why can't they like *dogs* -- like
normal people? (For the profoundly humor impaired: I'm not actually
asking a question here; please do not provide an explanation. Thank
you.)

Dovetailing from a conversation on a different topic, Dana in Canada
mentioned her affection for the mischievous little fur balls, and
suggested I take a look at her kitty-pics. Following is an excerpt
from the conversation; I decided that this one was worth sharing:

DE> My home page is ::snip:: ... if you like cats, have a look, I
DE> managed to catch some neat pics of my two.

VS> I like cats, but usually either stewed or deep fried.

DE> Eeeewoooo!

VS> Well, there are plenty of *other* ways of preparing feline, if
VS> stewing and/or deep frying aren't palatable to you.

DE> I like my kitties alive and purring into my ear!

VS> Whoops! My mistake. Sorry about that -- thought you were looking
VS> for new preparation methods. Won't happen again.

DE> (Though admittedly not at 5am)

(The truth begins to come out.)

VS> Ah, yes: At five a.m., *poached* kitty is often a real favorite
VS> with the natives. Quick preparation and cleanup, very little noise
VS> to disturb the neighbors. Good with ketchup.

DE> More like "smothered with pillow" or "strangled" kitties at 5am.

(I think we're finally seeing the true Dana. See, no one *really*
likes kitties -- at least, not once they've graduated from "kitten"
status. Unless, of course, they're prepared correctly ...)

VS> No! By the time you awaken later in the morning, their little
VS> bodies will be stiff and nearly useless for culinary pursuits!
VS> No, kitty, like lobster, *must* be cooked immediately. It's only
VS> prudent, for health considerations.

DE> They are good though, they sleep through the night most of the
DE> time.

VS> Yes, "most of the time." But all it takes it that *one* time,
VS> and ...
                        **  Kitty Souffle.  **

And I wonder why people don't like corresponding with me ... (?)
(Well, there's also the risk of seeing your conversation appear in
a HumourNet opener -- being distributed to thousands of people all
over the world. Which, of course, is why I like to quote e-mail
conversations from time to time; helps keep my mail volume down. ;-)

Unfortunately, we don't have any actual *recipes* for preparation
of kitty in this Collage -- but we do have plenty of information on
proper care and maintenance of kitty. This will help ensure that
you have a fattened and healthy feline by the time the holidays roll
around. Properly prepared, a single kitty can feed up to four people;
served with the usual garnishings of potatoes and other vegetables,
this number can easily be stretched to eight or nine.)

And so, in the proper spirit of things, we extend a debt of gratitude
to the following contributors:

Amy in Houston, for "Cat Bathing as a Martial Art";

Liz in Nebraska, for "Basic Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run";

and Shawn in Vancouver, for "Top 14 Signs Your Kitty May Be Planning
to Kill You" and "Excerpt From Diary of a Cat."

It's the first-ever All-Kitty-Humor Collage; many thanks to Amy, Liz
and Shawn for the contributions.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Cat Bathing as a Martial Art
Apparently by Bud Herron

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick
themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort
in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk -- dislodging the
dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind
believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary,
the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt
smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must
look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the
contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a
hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some
advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your
arm and head for the bathtub:

* Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack
of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't
try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase
him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than
four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat
and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a
shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can
shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician
can shift positions.)

* Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the
skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and
know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls
tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh
gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak
jacket.

* Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a
towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw
the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the
glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you
are lying on your back in the water.

* Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if
to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually
notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in
fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that
you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C.Penney.)

* Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival.
In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub
enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and
squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45
seconds of your life.

* Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and
the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to
him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have
him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of
shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back
into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record
for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

* Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume
this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn
out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In
fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been
through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed
to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot,
reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will
end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens,
the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him
toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is
a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg.
He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even
become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster
figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the
case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your
defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give
him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Basic Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run

Chairs & Rugs:

If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot
manage in time get to an oriental rug. If no oriental rug, shag is
good.

Doors:

Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand
on hind legs and hammer with fore paws. Once door is open, it is
not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door
opened, stand halfway in and out, and think about several things.
This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow
and mosquito season.

Guests:

Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that
human's lap. If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish-N-Glop on
your breath, so much the better.

For sitting on laps or rubbing against trousers, select fabric and
color which contrasts well with your fur. For example, white-furred
cats should go to black wool clothing.

For walking among dishes on dinner table, be prepared to look
surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "but you
allow me on the table when company isn't here."

Always accompany guest to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do
anything. Just sit and stare.

Work:

If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay
with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as
hampering. Following are the rules for hampering:

1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the
cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being
stepped on, picked up, and consoled.

2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the
human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book
itself.

3. For knitting projects, curl up quietly onto the lap of the
knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap the
knitting needles sharply. This can cause dropped stitches. Ignore
it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.

Play:

It is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh
for playing catch mouse or king-of-the-hill on their bed between 2
and 4 am.

Reminder:

Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth-running
household.

Humans need to know the basic rules. They can be taught if you
start early and are consistent.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top 14 Signs Your Kitty May Be Planning to Kill You

14. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.

13. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.

12. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the
couch.

11. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.

10. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.

9. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you
get a faint whiff of catnip.

8. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."

7. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.

6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a
mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.

5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.

4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your
doorstep.

3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.

2. You find a piece of paper labeled "MY WIL" that reads
"LEEV AWL 2 KAT."

1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Excerpt From Diary of a Cat

Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling
objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to
subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the
hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from
occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture.

I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant.
Tomorrow I may eat another.

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