Collage 274               H u m o u r N e t               14 JUN 96

The most recent "Geeks" issue (Collage 263) generated some unique
mail -- and one of the more interesting responses was a correction
on a point I had made in the opener. The point in question:

     Interesting how journalists can consider equations to be
     "faulty." The average engineer or mathematician would
     generally use an adjective like "incorrect" -- pretty much
     the same way we'd describe the average journalist. :-)

To which Chris W. sent the following correction:

     Okay, I know it is a joke, but I would like to point out that
     a mathematician wouldn't consider the equation incorrect
     unless it was calculated incorrectly. Just because the
     underlying assumptions are wrong (and hence the equation does
     not describe empirically verifiable reality) does [not] make
     the equation wrong. An engineer, on the other hand...

To which I responded:

     Calculating an equation incorrectly does not make the
     *equation* incorrect;  merely the *answer* is incorrect.
     However, your second point -- about incorrect underlying
     assumptions leading to an equation that does not describe
     empirically-verifiable reality -- is absolutely right. In my
     small engineer's mind, I would change the word "incorrect" (in
     the original statement) to "inaccurate." The term "accurate"
     connotes an attendant (albeit implicit) correlation with some
     verifiable reality, thus solving the problem.

     Plus, it works well with the "journalist" comment that
     follows. ;-)

Anyway, the version in the archives has been so amended to reflect
the fruits of Chris's suggestion. (Thanks, Chris!)

And on a lighter note: Collage 263 contained the following quotes;
the first is from the Reuter news story, and the second is my
response:

     "... But this probably does not mean planes are unsafe."

     Uh, Mr. Reuter, could you please clarify "probably"?

Well, to my surprise, I received a response to this question -- from
Mr. Reuter, himself! Jerry Reuter, in South Carolina, writes:

     Sure can -- It means (duh) "Maybe yes, maybe no..." <G>
     Thanks for asking,
     Jerry Reuter

No, thank *you* for clearing that up for me, Jerry. :-) (And for
having me LOL as I read that message.)

And, helping to clear up those *other* burning questions about
mathematics, physics, engineering, and similar trivial pursuits, is
Collage 274. Credit is due as follows:

Felix in Switzerland sends us "More Internet Bumper Stickers";

Doug contributes two pieces: "If Mathematics Classes Had Reading
Lists" and the "Updated Mathematical Reading List";

Paul in Canada assumes responsibility for "Top 10 Signs You're
Addicted to the 'Net";

Richard in Phoenix sends us one that has since been seen circulating
the 'Net quite a bit, "Geeks Ahoy!";

And someone who [intentionally] prefers to remain anonymous (must
have a reputation to uphold :-) sends us an oldie-but-goodie, "Dark
Suckers."

(Many thanks to this issue's contributors.)

Yes, it's *another* "Geek Humor" Collage. And if you understand more
than, say, 10% of the first three pieces (maybe four), you should be
ashamed of yourself.

Very, very ashamed.

<g>

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: More Internet Bumper Stickers (Geek Version)

A mathematician is a device for converting coffee into theorems.
--Paul Erdos

Black holes are bugs in nature's software.

Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
--Niels Bohr

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Heisenberg was probably here.

"I've discovered that P==NP, but the proof is too small to fit in
the margins of this signature."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: If Mathematics Classes Had Reading Lists ...

1. The Jacobians and Their Struggle for Independence.

2. Cheaper by the Googol.

3. A Ten-Day Diet to Improve Indeterminate Forms.

4. 1000 Best-Loved Double Integrals.

5. The Torus and I.

6. A Short Table of Even Primes (Abridged).

7. Will Success Spoil Runge-Kutta?

8. Dining Out in Hilbert Space.

9. 100 Tasty Fillings for Empty Sets.

10. Life Begins at (e**(pi))*SQRT(3)

11. How to Keep Condensation Points from Dripping into Open Sets.

12. A Child's Garden of Chebyshev Polynomials.

13. Tom Swift and His Electric Cycloid.

14. A Treasury of Matrices - Upright and Inverted.

15. Improved Lipschitz Conditions in the Slums of New York.

16. The Decline and Fall of e**(-x).

17. How to Prevent Rust on Riemann Surfaces.

18. The Peano Postulates Transcribed for Violin and Cello.

19. First Aid for Dedekind Cuts and Bruises, or, What To Do Until
the Mathematician Comes.

20. A Collection of Happy Endings for Incomplete Beta Functions.

21. How to Tell Your Children About Improper Integrals

Plus these, contributed by Doug, himself:

22. How to Tell Your Children About Indiscrete Mathematicians

23. Values Clarification for the 90's: Lessons in Fuzzy Logic

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: An Updated Mathematical Reading List

1. Simple Medication for Complex Branch Cuts.

2. From (e**(i*pi)) + 1 to Infinity.

3. Shielding Design for Gamma Functions.

4. Photography and the Hypocycloid.

5. Psychiatric Care for Perturbed Functions.

6. New Year's Resolutions for Indeterminate Forms.

7. Much Ado About (e**(i*pi)) + 1.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top 10 Signs You're Addicted to the 'Net

10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check
your e-mail on the way back to bed.

9. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape
Navigator 1.1 or higher."

8. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

7. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

6. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your
lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two,
just for the free Internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems.

3. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

2. The last girl you picked up was a JPEG.

1. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours.
You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your
ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem.
You succeed.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Geeks Ahoy!

A man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an
island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no
supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas
and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but
decided to make the best of it.

For the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and
mostly looked to the sea for a ship to come to his rescue. One day,
as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a
ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be
true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came
a rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen -- or
at least in last 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blonde
hair flowed in the sea breeze.

He watched as she rowed her boat toward him.

As she arrived at the beach, he asked, "Where did you come from, how
did you get here"?

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island.. I landed on
this island when my cruise ship sank"

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How
many of you are there?"

"It is only me," she said. "Would you like to row over to my
place?"

They both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.

The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the
approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully
woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm
tree, and there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and
white. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Have a
seat. Would you like a drink?"

"No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied, "I have a still.
How about a Pina Colada?

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they
sat down on her couch to talk.

"You look great," said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip
into something more comfortable."

After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leaves
strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me," she purred, "we have both been out here for a very long
time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been
lonely? Is there anything that you really miss?" She moved closer
to him. "Something that all men and woman need? Something that it
would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes there is, now that you mention it," the man replied, moving
closer to her. "Tell me, do you happen to have an Internet
connection?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Dark Suckers

For years it has been believed that electric light bulbs emitted
light. However, recent information has proven otherwise. Electric
light bulbs do not emit light, they suck dark. Thus we call these
bulbs dark suckers.

The dark sucker theory proves the existence of dark, that dark has a
mass heavier than light and that dark is faster than light. The
basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric light bulbs suck
dark. Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are.
There is much less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere.
The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.
Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the
ones in this room.

As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are
full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black
spot on a full dark sucker.

A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick.
You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black,
representing all of the dark that has been sucked into it. If you
hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will
turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the
candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very
limited range.

There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't
handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark
storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must either be
emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate
again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from
this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating
dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must
travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This
generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to
touch an operating candle.

Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim just below the surface
of a lake, you see a lot of light. If you slowly swim deeper and
deeper, you notice it getting slowly darker and darker. When you
reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total
darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of
the lake and the lighter light floats to the top.

The immense power of dark can be utilized to man's advantage. We
can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of the lake and
push it through turbines, which generate electricity and help push
the dark to the ocean, where it may be safely stored.

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