Collage 275               H u m o u r N e t               17 JUN 96

Inmates have feelings, too, you know ...

<AP news wire>

"Inmate Says He Lost Job for Criticizing Policy"

SAN FRANCISCO -- Corrections Department spokeswoman Christine May
defended the firing of inmate Boston Woodard as editor of a prison
newspaper, saying he tried to sidestep the state's new ban on
face-to-face interviews with prisoners. Another new rule allows
guards to open mail sent by prisoners to reporters.

(It must be difficult for the prisoners to find time to meet with
reporters, anyway -- what with their busy schedules of legal
courses, case-history research, and tort writing....)

The Corrections Department says the ban on interviews will promote
security by preventing prisoners from becoming celebrities, and the
mail-opening rule will guard against escape attempts. News
organizations and prisoner-rights groups say both rules will keep
the public from learning about prison conditions.

(It's in your own best interest, guys; as soon as the public finds
out what's *really* going on in there, it'll be back to stamping
license plates....)

May denied Woodard's allegation that he was punished for criticizing
the policy, saying inmates and their newspaper were free to voice
criticisms.

(Voicing criticisms? Hardly in a position to criticize, I'd say.
Sounds to me like these guys have a little too much spare time on
their hands. Perhaps they'd be better occupied digging the warden's
new swimming pool and health spa.)

In an interview with The Recorder, a legal newspaper, Woodard said
prisoners fear the restrictions are part of an effort to shut the
public out of the prison system.

(Oh, and I suppose that the prison system should be more of an
audience-participation sort of thing, huh?)

"This is frightening, man, being here and not having access to you
or anybody like you," he said.

(And we wouldn't want *prison* to be frightening, now, would we?
Certainly, the things they did they did to get *in* there in the first
place didn't frighten anyone ... right?)

He scoffed at the Corrections Department's policy of allowing
reporters to talk to any prisoners they encounter randomly on a
visit. "They'll make sure you're in an area where all the inmates
you talk to randomly will have the IQ of a cinderblock," he said.

(Sounds like the reporters will pretty much have free run of the
place....)

</AP>

At least *those* criminals are on the inside; it's the ones on the
*outside* that really concern me. But the best ones of all are the
ones on the outside who are trying their darndest to get *in*.

Yes, it's *another* All-Subscriber-Contributed Stupid Criminals
Collage -- with credits going out to:

Joerg in Switzerland for "Photo Finish, Take 1";

Joy in Nebraska for "Photo Finish, Take 2";

Lawson Stone in Kentucky -- and one of our Distinguished Members --
for the incredibly painful account in "Ouch!";

Andrew in Massachusetts for "I'll Have the 'Handcuff' Happy Meal";

Anonymous in New York for "Stupid Criminals, Stupid Cops";

Ben in San Francisco for "Shaken, Rattled, and Shot";

Nigel in Canada for "But They Smelled Lemony-Fresh";

Neil in Massachusetts for "Disposable Income"; and

Paul C in the U.K. for "Smoking Kills" -- really just a "stupid
people" story, but he'd probably have made it into the Stupid-Criminal
Hall of Shame had he tried his hand at crime before his untimely
demise.

A big "Thanks!" Jim in L.A. for providing the AP news story; and a
similarly large "Thanks!" to this issue's contributors.

I'd also like to say thanks to Ian in Canada for posting the recent
Kitty-Humor Collage (Collage 273) to rec.pets.cats.recipes (okay, it
was really rec.pets.cats), and extend a warm welcome our new kitty-
owning (presumably) subscribers.

And in other news:

There will be only two Collages this week, as I prepare for a rather
large Army R&D shindig/blow-out/Tailhook Convention in Norfolk, VA,
next week. (Unfortunately, I'm kidding about the Tailhook part; it's
a well-known fact that we stopped that practice shortly after WWII,
and it's now the Navy who suffers the most casualties in that area. ;-)

This, of course, means I'm on the road next week -- which usually
means no mail from HumourNet. *Usually*. But, I'm happy to announce,
not this time.

Yes, I've managed to get the Guest-Moderator program cranked [back]
up, and we will have two guest spots for next week: On 25 June, we
will hear from Bo from Sweden (who was slated for April's guest-mod
spot, but experienced technical difficulties), and, on 27 June, we
will hear from James Renken from Minnesota.

Best of luck (and many thanks) to our guest mods.

And another big thanks to this Collage's contributors. :-)

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Photo Finish, Take 1

This one happened few years ago in Switzerland:

A man went to a photo shop, had pictures taken, and -- while the
photographer developed the pictures -- he took off with the cash
register.

Leaving behind, of course, the pictures.

[Editor's Note: I had no idea that the Swiss could be as dumb as the
Americans! Well, welcome aboard. :-) </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Photo Finish, Take 2
Excerpted from the Lincoln (Nebraska) Journal-Star, 25 May 96

A high school teacher from the small town of Clearwater, Nebraska,
and her students had their van robbed of more than $5000 worth of
items -- including a camera -- during a music contest being held in
Lincoln.

Several weeks later, the Clearwater High School received
a package of pictures.

A Lincoln couple had found an undeveloped roll of film on the
street, had it developed, saw that some pictures showed uniformed
players from Clearwater's basketball team, and forwarded the photos
to the school with a note expressing their hope that the pictures
could be returned to their owner.

While reviewing the pictures, school officials realized that they
didn't recognize the people posing with the stolen items and the
van. Hmmmm.

Epilogue: the Lincoln police department looked at the pictures, the
detective recognized one of the smiling faces, and the department
identified the other two men. Two of the would-be models have been
arrested; they are looking for the third.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Ouch!
Excerpted from the Lexington Herald-Leader, 9/23/94

NOT TOO SHARP: Police in Union City, Calif., arrested Gardner
Forster, 32, in January after he fled nude from a burglary scene
after hiding in the homeowner's closet. Forster leaped over a
fence, but landed in a neighbor's cactus garden.

Forster was easily subdued.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: I'll Have the 'Handcuff' Happy Meal ...

Massachusetts: A bunch of young punks decided they'd rob the
McDonald's in Bedford a few years ago. Unfortunately for them, none
of them could keep their mouths shut about the plan, and when they
showed up to rob the place they were greeted by half a dozen cops --
behind the counter, in McDonald's uniforms.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Stupid Criminals, Stupid Cops
Excerpted from the NY Times:

Thief tries to steal cop car, with the cop in it.

[Editor's Note: Hey, give the guy a break; I'm sure he was in a
hurry. </vs>]

Thief jumps in driver's seat, while cop #2 (the driver) is in a deli.
Cop #1 is in passenger's seat. Cop and robber start to slug it out
in the front seat.

[Editor's Note: I'm sure he was in a *big* hurry. </vs>]

Good Samaritan #1 passes by, tries to help cop #1 by leaning into
driver's window and beating on robber who is still in driver's seat.
Good Samaritan #2 sees the mess, runs into the deli, and alerts cop
#2 -- who runs out, sees Good Samaritan #1 leaning in the window,
thinks that he's the perpetrator, and starts to beat on him.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Shaken, Rattled, and Shot
Excerpted from the San Francisco Chronicle, May 22, 1996, pg. A13

[When] a moderate earthquake centered about 10 miles east of San
Jose rolled through Northern California ... the rumbling scared one
San Jose man into accidentally shooting himself in the foot, police
reported. Edvardo Meneses, 21, told officers that he thought
someone was breaking into his home, so he seized a loaded handgun,
shoved it into his pocket and ran upstairs to protect his mother,
according to San Jose police spokesman Louis Quezada.

The gun went off, wounding Meneses in the left leg and foot.
Officers later determined that Meneses' handgun had been stolen from
its owner in Shasta County, Quezada said. Meneses was taken to a
local hospital, and the Santa Clara County district attorney will
probably file charges today."

[Ben adds a note for the non-California readers (including me):
Meneses had to go through a lot of work to shoot himself; Shasta
County is about 250 miles north of San Jose. You would think that
he would steal a little closer to home...]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: But They Smelled Lemony-Fresh ...

A man in Pennsylvania was recently given 24 years imprisonment for
armed robbery. He and an accomplice had not worn masks when they
held up a bank. Instead, they had rubbed lemon juice on their faces
in the belief it would blur their images on the security camera.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Disposable Income
Story provided courtesy of Paul Harvey.

[Neil gives us some rather important background information: The
Fed has recently issued new $100 bills, which are just beginning to
work their way into distribution. Many who have seen them comment
that they look like "play money," since they have a rather large
picture of Ben Franklin, set off center.]

A would-be bank robber made off with a bag of what he thought was
money from a heist. After he was safely away from the scene of the
crime, he opened the bag only to find that it contained not the $100
bills he had demanded, but instead, these real-money-sized pieces of
play money with oversized pictures of Ben Franklin. He threw the
whole bagful down a storm drain.

It actually was real money.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Smoking Kills

A Chinese teenager who smoked 100 cigarettes at one sitting for a
bet won the wager but lost his life.

The 19 year-old construction worker in Tianjin, called Wu, had just
finished his 5th pack of Peony brand cigarettes when he went pale
and collapsed. "The attending doctor determined that Mr. Wu died
of a heart attack brought on by excessive inhalation of cigarette
smoke and acute nicotine poisoning," said the Jin Wan Bao newspaper.

Wu and a friend devised the wager to cure their boredom,
investigators were told.

[Editor's Note: Consider the boredom cured. </vs>]

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