Collage 277               H u m o u r N e t               25 JUN 96

Vince, the HumourNet List Mom, has left Washington for a week of well
deserved R&R and has left two Collages at the mercy of guest
moderators. I am Bo Bjulen writing to you from Malmo in southern
Sweden and later this week you will receive one from James Renken in
Minnesota.

This Collage is about the English language. Vince gave me a couple of
subjects to choose from and since I've recently embarked on a new
career as a translator, that was a natural choice.

What baffled me most when I started to learn English, at the age of
ten or eleven, was the spelling. While the pronunciation has changed
over the centuries, the spelling has remained approximately the same
for a very long time and like many others who haven't learned it as a
first language, I found it crazy. But that is only a start: to quote
from the first contribution today, let's face it -- English is a crazy
language. Lenore in Virginia sends us "English?", an essay with a
bunch of examples of that. Few of them are original but I don't think
I've seen it written so well and humorously before.

Dialects can be fun too, at least *other* people's dialects :-)
Richard in Phoenix with "How to Speak Southern, Take 1" and Tony
(location unknown, perhaps he prefer to remain hidden...) with "How to
Speak Southern, Take 2" give us two, in some cases slightly different,
views of how they speak in the American South.

Many thanks to Lenore, Richard, and Tony!

- Bo Bjulen    <bo@plea.se>
  HumourNet Guest Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Bo Bjulen
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
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SUBJ: English?

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language.  There is no egg in
eggplant nor ham in hamburger;  neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in
France.  Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted.  But if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers
don't groce and hammers don't ham?  If the plural of tooth is teeth,
why isn't the plural of booth beeth?  One goose, 2 geese.  So one
loose tooth, 2 leese teeth?  One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend,
that you comb through annals of history but not a SINGLE annal?  If
you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of
them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?  If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?  If you wrote a
letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane.  In what language do people recite
at a play and play at a recital?  Ship by truck and send cargo or a
truck by ship?  Have noses that run and feet that smell?  Park on
driveways and drive on parkways?  Lift a thumb to thumb a lift?
Table a plan in order to plan a table?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and wise guy are opposites?  How can overlook and oversee be
opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?  How can a
person be "pretty ugly?"

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they
are absent?  Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful
gown?  Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?  Have you ever
run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?
And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would
ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say
"crazy, man!" is a compliment (as when applauding a jazz
performance.)

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at
all).  That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but
when the lights are out, they are invisible.  And why, when I wind
up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: How to Speak Southern, Take 1
By Steve Mitchell and Sam C. Rawls

Ah: The thing you see with, and the personal pronoun used denoting
individuality. "Ah think Ah've got somethin' in mah ah."

Ast: To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks
information about illegal moonshine stills. "Don't ast me so many
question. I makes me mad."

Attair: Contradiction used to indicate the specific item desire.
"Pass me attair gravy, please"

Awl: An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. "Ah like attair
car, but it sure does take a lot of awl."

Bawl: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. "That gal cain't
even bawl water without burnin' it."

Bleeve: Expression of intent or faith. "Ah bleeve we ought to go
to church this Sunday."

Cent: Plural of cent. "You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah
wouldn't give fiddy cent for it."

Co-cola: The soft drink that started in Atlanta and conquered the
world. "Ah hear they even sell Co-cola in Russia."

Cyst: To render aid. "Can Ah cyst you with those packages, ma'am."

Dayum: A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind."
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dayum."

Everwhichways: To be scattered in all directions. "You should have
been there when the train hit attair chicken truck. Them chickens
flew everwhichways.

Far: A state of combustion that produces heat and light. "Ah
reckon it's about time to put out the far and call in the dawgs."

Flares: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant. "If yo
wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flares."

Good ole boy: Any Southern male between age 16 and 60 who has an
amiable disposition and is fond of boon companions, strong drink,
hound dawgs, fishin', huntin', and good lookin' women, but not
necessarily in that order. " Bubba's a good ole boy."

Griyuts: What no Southern breakfast would be without - grits. "Ah
like griyuts with butter and sawt on'em, but Ah purely love'em with
red-eye gravy."

Hale: Where General Sherman is going for what he did to Etlanna.
(Atlanta) "General Sherman said "War is Hale" and he made sure it
was."

Hep: to aid or benefit. "Ah can't hep it if Ah'm still in love
with you."

Idinit: Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't.
"Mighty hot today, idinit?"

Jew: Did you. "Jew want to buy attair comic book, son, or just
stand there and read it here?"

Kumpny: Guests. "Be home on time. We's havin' kumpny for supper."

Law: Police, or as Southerners pronounce it, PO-leece. "We better
get outta here. That bartender's doen called the law."

Likker: Whiskey; either the amber kind bought in stores or the
homemade white kind that federal authorities frown upon." Does he
drink? Listen, he spills more likker than most people drink.'

Mash: To press, as in the case of an elevator button. "Want me to
mash yo floor for you, Ma'am?"

Muchablige: Thank you. "muchablige for the lift, mister."

Nawthun: Anything that is not Southern. "He is a classic product
of the superior Nawthun educational system." (sarcasm)

Ovair: In that direction. 'Where's yo paw, son?" He's ovair, suh."

Phraisin: Very cold. "Shut that door. It's phraisin in here."

Plum: Completely. "Ah'm plum wore out."

Retch: To grasp for. "The right feilder retch over into the stands
and caught the ball."

Saar: The opposite of sweet. "These pickles Sure are saar."

Shovelay: A GM car. "Nobody could drive a Shovelay like Junior
Johnson."

Sinner: Exact middle of. "Have you been to the new shoppin'
sinner."

Sugar: A kiss. "Come here and give me some sugar."

Tarred: Fatigued. "Ah'm too tarred to go bowlin' nonight."

Tar Arns: A tool for changing wheels. "You cain't change a tar
without a tar arn."

Uhmurkin: Someone who lives int he United States of Uhmurka.
"Thomas Jefferson was a great Uhmurkin."

War: Metal strands attached to posts to enclose domestic animals.
"Be careful and don't get stuck on that bob war."

Whup: To beat or to strike. "OOOEEE!!! Yer mama's gonna whup you
fer sayin' a cuss word."

Zat: Is that. "Zat yo dawg?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: How to Speak Southern, Take 2

BARD: verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH: noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS: noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd
from him in munts."

IGNERT: adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH: noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my
brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL: noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup
truck."

FAR: noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my
pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS: noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back
to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR: noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a
flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE: noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to
see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

HOT: noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD: adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD: Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED: adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

RATS: noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

LOT: adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

FARN: adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn
country."

DID: adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR: noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR: noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE: a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson
recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE: a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED: verb, past tense.
VIEW: contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

HEAVY DEW: phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

GUMMIT: Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

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