Collage 279               H u m o u r N e t                1 JUL 96

I think I might rename Colossus (the Mac that controls my life) to
something more descriptive -- like "Westworld" (the place where
nothing can possibly go worng (sic)).

::snip computer-gone-astray story::

Being a geek, you think I'd have a nice, high-tech solution to the
Guest-Mod problem. (The "problem" of interfacing my Guest Moderators
to the list, that is; I'm not suggesting that the Guest Mods are a
problem, in themselves.) But, as we all know, high-tech solutions are
generally *more* prone to failure than their low-tech counterparts --
a point illustrated nicely in "SmartHouse 2.0: Diary of a Future
Homeowner," the first piece in Collage 279. (This piece was
contributed by Doug.) It's also likely to be the story of me and my
next house (once the various wiring projects in my current house
reach a singularity point, causing the house to vaporize).

From malfunctioning computers and malfunctioning houses, we move to
take an analytical look at the engineers who design them ...

Nigel in Canada contributes "Problem Solving, Engineer Style";

Duncan in Maryland sends us "Engineer Philosophy";

your HumourNet Moderator (um, that'd be me) contributes "Engineers
In Action" -- a piece he ripped off from JD in New Jersey, one of
the "Fab Five" original HumourNetters;

Jan in The Netherlands takes credit for "You Might Be An Engineer If";

and, for a quick glimpse at geek humor, Randy Cassingham from "This
is True" sends us the "Tachyon Mobile Top Twenty." (FMI on "This is
True," send a blank e-mail to TrueInfo@freecom.com -- and hopefully
Randy has remembered to update the autoreply file to tell you that
he won't be back at the helm of "This is True" for a few weeks while
he completes his move to <gasp!> Boulder, Colorado.)

::snip/18 Aug 96::

It's another "Geek" Collage -- with many thanks to the contributors
(including me, I guess) who've made it possible. And a big thanks to
everyone for their patience during last week's confusion.

Happy bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: SmartHouse 2.0: Diary of a Future Homeowner

TCI, the nation's largest cable television company, is in talks to
launch a unique pilot project in conjunction with Pacific Gas and
Electric Co. and Microsoft Corporation to design a "smart home".
The home automation industry is expected to triple in size, from
$1.7 billion this year to more than $5.1 billion by the year 2000.

Here is the diary of a future homeowner ...

November 28, 1995: Moved in at last. Finally, we live in the
smartest house in the neighborhood. Everything's networked. The
cable TV is connected to our phone, which is connected to my PC,
which is connected to the power lines, all the appliances and the
security system. Everything runs off a universal remote with the
friendliest interface I've ever used. Programming is a snap. I'm,
like, totally wired.

November 30: Hot stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned
up the thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone,
remotely tweaked the oven a few degrees for my pizza. Everything
nice and cozy when I arrived. Maybe I should get the universal
remote surgically attached.

December 3: Yesterday, the kitchen crashed. Freak event. As I
opened the refrigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately,
everything else electrical shut down -- lights, microwave, coffee
maker -- everything! Carefully, I unplugged and replugged all the
appliances. Nothing. Called the cable company (but not from the
kitchen phone). They refer me to the utility company. The utility
insists the problem was in the software. So the software company
runs some remote telediagnostics via my house processor.

Their expert system claims it has to be the utility's fault. I
don't care, I just want my kitchen back. More phone calls. More
remote diagnostics.

Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode" -- the
network had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door
was open. So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power
surge and shut down the entire kitchen. But because sensor memory
confirmed that there hadn't actually been a power surge, the
kitchen's logic sequence was confused so it couldn't do a standard
restart.

The utility guy swears this was the first time this has ever
happened. Rebooting the kitchen took over an hour.

December 7: The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them
for help. We discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above
25 decibels, it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get
amplified when they hit the window. When these vibrations mix with
a gust of wind, the security sensors are actuated and the police
computer concludes that someone is trying to break in. Go
figure...

Another glitch: whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode,
the universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV.
That means I actually have to get up off the couch and change the
channels by hand. The software and the utility people say this
flaw will be fixed in the next upgrade -- SmartHouse 2.1, but it's
not ready yet.

December 12: This is a nightmare. There's a virus in the house.
My personal computer caught it while browsing on the public access
network. I come home and the living room is a sauna, the bedroom
windows are covered with ice, the refrigerator has defrosted, the
washing machine has flooded the basement, the garage door is
cycling up and down and the TV is stuck on the Home Shopping
channel. Throughout the house, lights flicker like stroboscopes
until they explode from the strain. Broken glass is everywhere.
Of course, the security sensors detect nothing.

I look at a message slowly throbbing on my PC screen: "Welcome to
HomeWrecker!!! Now the FUN begins ... (be it ever so humble,
there's no virus like HomeWrecker...)". I get out of the house.
Fast.

December 18: They think I've digitally disinfected the house but
the place is a shambles. Pipes have burst and we're not completely
sure we've got the part of the virus that attacks toilets.
Nevertheless, The Exorcists (as the anti-virus SWAT members like to
call themselves) are confident the worst is over. "HomeWrecker is
pretty bad," one tells me, "but consider yourself lucky you didn't
get Poltergeist. That one is really evil."

December 19: Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses.
"Fires and mudslides yes," says the claims adjuster, "viruses, no."
My agreement with the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all
claims and warranties are null and void if any appliance or
computer in my house networks in any way, shape or form with a
non-certified on-line service. Everybody's very, very sorry but
they can't be expected to anticipate every virus that may be
created.

We call our lawyer. He laughs. He's excited.

December 21: I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep. As a
special holiday offer, we get the free opportunity to become a beta
site for the company's new SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade. He says I'll be
able to meet the programmers personally. "Sure," I tell him ... To
Be Continued.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Problem Solving, Engineer Style

Q: Why can't Engineers become Pharmacists?
A: They can't fit the bottles into the typewriter.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Engineer Philosophy
Excerpted from 'The Dilbert Principle' by Scott Adams.

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one
of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things
that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play
with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no
problems handily available, they will create their own problems.
Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if
it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't
broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Engineers In Action

JD -- a friend of mine who's an engineer at heart -- once
characterized engineers in the following manner:

"Engineers are people who don't need to read the instruction manuals
on new equipment.  When an engineer opens a new piece of equipment --
stereo, VCR, camcorder, etc.  -- the *first* thing he does is tosses
the instruction manual aside.  He then makes the necessary wiring
connections, and begins playing with all the buttons and knobs. He'll
have plenty of time to read the manual while the device is being
repaired."

[Editor's Note: I, of course, was *not* the inspiration for this
characterization. ;-) </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: You Might Be An Engineer ...

If you introduce your wife as -mylady@home.wife-

If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner

If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

If Dilbert is your hero

If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE

If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail

[Editor's Note: Uh ... never mind. ;-) </vs>]

If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50

If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the
decimal point in the right place

If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car

If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
hanging coats and taping ducts

If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to
find the burned-out bulb in the string

If your idea of a fun evening consists of fast-forwarding through
the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies

If you have -Dilbert- comics displayed anywhere in your work area

If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test
that actually takes five minutes to run

If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door
opener and your camera's flash attachment

If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and/or know
what RPN stands for

[Editor's Note: RPN was a bad joke -- and HP was the only one
laughing. Give me an "=" key, or give me paper and pencil. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Tachyon Mobile Top Twenty

The Top 20 Cool Things About a Car That Goes Faster Than The
Speed of Light

20. Sleep 'til noon. Still get to work by 8:00 a.m.!

19. Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green.

18. Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most states.

17. Never in car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.

16. Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking keep bugging you to carpool.

15. No one can see you pick your nose while you drive.

14. Lunch breaks in Paris, circa 1792.

13. LA to Vegas in 2 nanoseconds.

12. You can stop worrying about being sucked into a black hole while
driving home from work.

11. You'll be so thin while driving it you can even wear horizontal
stripes.

10. That deer in your headlights is actually behind you.

9. Traffic enforcement limited to cops with PhDs in quantum physics.

8. Bugs never see you comin'.

7. You can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.

6. Can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan, "It's there
before you order or it's free!"

5. Car makes it from Hollywood to London fast enough to not arouse
suspicions of Elizabeth Hurley.

4. License plate: "Me=mc^2"

3. Cigarette butts don't land in the back seat -- they land in last
week!

2. The more you drive, the younger you get.

1. Chicks dig it.

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