Collage 280               H u m o u r N e t                3 JUL 96

Another humorless opener. (I'm on a roll this week ... sorry.) But
it does contain some rather important information about some changes
that will soon be underway at HQ HumourNet, so please pay attention
here....

::snip boring administrivia::

Also -- and this is the one that you will hate to hear -- Collage
production might become sporadic once I identify an ISP and begin
the transition. Hopefully, this process will be completed quickly,
efficiently, and without a single hitch.

Yeah, right. And O.J.'s innocent, Madonna's a virgin, and Hillary
has no idea where those files came from.

::snip more administrivia::

That's it for now -- except, of course, for the contractually-
obligated humor:

Mark in the United Kingdom sends us an interesting piece entitled,
"We Just Grow'Em Bigger." (We do -- just ask Texas.)

Paul in Canada sends some "Words to Live By."

Richard in Phoenix contributes "Time Out."

Randy Cassingham of "This is True" (*and* a HumourNet Distinguished
Member) sends a piece excerpted from the "'Firm Grasp of the Obvious'
Department."

Dr. Mike in Baltimore provides "More Headlines," and Tom in
California sends "More Bumper Stickers."

It's a themeless Collage -- but it contains some pretty good material
that I've been trying to get processed and sent for some time now.

Many thanks to our contributors -- and just as many thanks for your
patience during the upcoming transition.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: We Just Grow'Em Bigger

[Editor's Note 1: The footnotes -- denoted as [1] and [2] -- are
Mark's. </vs>]

The following was in "New Scientist," 30 March 1996, No 2023, in the
"Feedback" column:

"Children in the U.S., as we all know, mature faster than children
elsewhere, [1] and it would also seem that they have stronger
stomachs. [2] This must explain one of the most peculiar yet of the
daft warnings from manufacturers that we have been noting over the
past few months.

"Penguin books has recently diversified rather mysteriously into
marketing juggling balls. Each ball carries the following warning:
'This product contains small granules under 3 millimetres. Not
suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years
in the USA.'"

[1] Yeah, right.
[2] Probably an evolutionary thing from all those guns out there. ;-)

[Editor's Note 2: No, the confusion here actually stems from the
fact that children in the U.S. simply have *bigger mouths* than
their European counterparts. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Words to Live By

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2. You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of
preparation.

4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

6. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

10. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been
before.

11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

16. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind
to blame.

18. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

19. By the you've made ends meet, they've moved the ends.

20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.

21. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

[Editor's Note: It's true. Try it. </vs>]

22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

23. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.

24. Beauty is only skin deep. Ugly goes straight to the bone.

25. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you
realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Time Out

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from
his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and
park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As
luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of
the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to
snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and
saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"

The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was
just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and
another jogger.

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"8:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers
passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another
one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper
and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when
there was another knock on the window.

"Sir? It's 8:45."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: From the 'Firm Grasp of the Obvious' Department
Excerpted from the 'Notebook' pages of The New Republic 1995:

Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995

Whatever Their Motives, Moms Who Kill Kids Still Shock Us
Holland Sentinel, date unknown.

Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
The New York Times, November 22

Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
The Los Angeles Times, November 2

'Light' Meals are Lower in Fat, Calories
Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30

Alcohol Ads Promote Drinking
The Hartford Courant, November 18

Malls Try to Attract Shoppers
The Baltimore Sun, October 22

Official: Only Rain Will Cure Drought
The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts

Teenage Girls Often Have Babies Fathered by Men
The Sunday Oregonian, September 24

Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
Newsday, July 11

Man Shoots Neighbor With Machete
The Miami Herald, July 3

Tomatoes Come in Big, Little, Medium Sizes
The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30

Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows
The New York Times, March 10

Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies
The Los Angeles Times, March 2

Scientists See Quakes in L.A. Future
The Oregonian, January 28

Wachtler Tells Graduates That Life in Jail is Demeaning
The Buffalo News, February 26

Free Advice: Bundle Up When Out in the Cold
Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26

Prosecution Paints O.J. as a Wife-Killer
Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25

Economist Uses Theory to Explain Economy
Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8

Bible Church's Focus is the Bible
Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994

Clinton Pledges Restraint in Use of Nuclear Weapons
Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6

Discoveries: Older Blacks Have Edge in Longevity
The Chicago Tribune, March 5

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear
Journal of Commerce, April 20

Biting Nails Can Be Sign of Tenseness in a Person
The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2

Lack of Brains Hinders Research
The Columbus Dispatch, April 16

Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism
"Accusing some of her male colleagues of sexism, Los
Angeles Councilwoman Laura Chick lashed out at City Hall on Thursday
as [sic] the 'most sexist good-old-boys work environment that I've
ever been in.' ..."
The Los Angeles Times, June 23

How We Feel About Ourselves is the Core of Self-Esteem, Says Author
Louise Hart
Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5

Fish Lurk in Streams
Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Headlines

Clinton Renames Greenspan

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Stud Tires Out

Prostitutes Appeal To Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse To Work After Death

Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found By Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years At Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

War Dims Hope For Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A while

Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: And More Bumper Stickers

"As long as there are tests
there WILL be prayer in schools"

"Honk if you love
obscene gestures"

And on the UC Berkeley campus:

"Do not adjust your mind
there is a fault in reality"

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