Collage 281               H u m o u r N e t               11 JUL 96

Sorry things have been so quiet, but -- as I mentioned in the previous
Collage -- I've been busy with the Great HumourNet Move of 1996.

And the Move has begun. First things first: We now have an *all new*
home for the FTP archives and Web pages. So far, I've only had time
to relocate the FTP archives; the Web pages will [hopefully] follow
soon. The archives can now be reached at "Elycion":

                ftp://elycion.geology.ualberta.ca

As many of you can tell from the URL, Elycion is located at the Univ.
of Alberta in The Great White North. ('The Great White North' is also
often referred to as "The Artist Formerly Known As Canada.") I would
like to extend a deep, sincere, heartfelt, genuine, honest "Thanks,
And I Really Owe You Big Time" to Alan Skelley (et al.) of the Univ.
of Alberta's Department of Computing Science for graciously offering
to host HumourNet on their Pentium 90. It's a pretty hot server (much
perkier than Colossus -- more reliable, too), and I'm really looking
forward to getting everything fully configured on Elycion in the near
future. (BTW, Microsoft haters need fear not of Elycion; it's running
Linux.)

And, in exchange for his invaluable service to HumourNet, I'd like
to welcome Alan into the HumourNet Distinguished Members list.
(You'll be receiving your membership card and blazer badge in the
mail shortly, Alan. Note that this gets you front-row seats at all
the major HumourNet events *plus* a free one-year subscription
renewal. In other words, it's well worth all the embarrassment. ;-)

BTW, the FTP archives will continue to be available from Colossus, at
least until the Web pages have moved. Also, please make note that the
file extensions on Collages have changed from ".lis" to ".txt" -- full
details are available in the HumourNet info message. To retrieve the
message, send the following to the BGU listproc (listproc2@bgu.edu):

INFO HUMORNET

That about covers the archives move. Unfortunately, a *lot* of work
still remains, not least of which is getting local ISP service, and
purchasing a suitable system for my home.

One of my major concerns with this purchase is that I will end up
slamming down a few thousand dollars' worth of hard-earned plastic --
only to find that I bought the wrong computer.

Naturally, I'm taking steps to prevent this from happening ... I'm
not looking at Windoze boxes. :-)

Nevertheless, my not-too-terribly-bright brother -- who is saved
from the despondency of social squalor by the shoestring of his
insipid sense of humor -- provides the first piece in today's
Collage: the "Top Ten Signs You Bought The Wrong Computer." (Okay,
seriously now, a big thanks to Brett in New Jersey for contributing
the piece. And I was kidding with that stuff I wrote about him; he
doesn't *really* have a shoestring.)

Moving along here, Justin in Britain takes credit for the next piece,
"But They Look So Similar";

Andy in Maryland sends us some "Cockpit Trouble";

Randy Cassingham of "This is True" (who, BTW, is now beginning to
settle into his new digs in Boulder, Colorado -- and will be a much
happier camper as soon as he finds which box he put the checkbook in)
contributes the popular and amusing lie entitled, "Top 11 Reasons Why
Computer Geeks Make Better Husbands";

Marc in Maryland helps us out with "Setting Priorities";

and *another* Marc closes out Collage 281 with the *utterly*
hysterical song, "Hotel [Berkeley] California." (I don't typically
run songs unless they're good; this one is awesome.)

And there ya have it -- a very appropriate Computer-Humor Collage.
Many thanks to all our contributors, and a special thanks to Alan
in Canada for the FTP and Web services.

I'll be sending out Collages over the next few weeks as time permits.
Meanwhile ... Happy Bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Top Ten Signs You Bought The Wrong Computer
Excerpted from C|NET

The biggest fear of any computer user is that you just blew several
grand on a clunker that's not even fit for a boat anchor.

Here are some dead giveaways ...

10. The monitor is certified for low emissions by JiffyLube.

9. The logo on your receipt: International House of Lame
Computers.

8. The infrared cordless keyboard has only 15 keys, and one of them
is marked Fast Forward.

7. You see the salesman you bought it from hawking genuine Rolexes
on street corners.

6. The sound board and speakers are a separate unit, and they
receive only AM.

5. The ad slogan: Ronald McDonald just grew up.

4. It has only two expansion slots, and they just popped up a
couple of rounds of toast.

3. It's labeled "energy saving" only because there's no power
supply.

2. You just got another one with your Happy Meal.

1.The sticker reads "nothing of value inside."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: But They Look So Similar ...

One of my friends works on a computer help desk for a system company
in London, England.

He recently had a phone call from a customer who complained that the
printer in his new office did not work. Tim asked him what happened
when he dumped some output to it, and was told that everything
appeared to work perfectly except that no hard copy was produced.
Tim asked the customer to check the "On-Line" light was on on the
printer. The customer couldn't find it. Tim asked the customer to
tell him what kind of printer it was and was told. He had never
heard of it, and so asked for the model number in full to look up on
their hardware inventory. After a few minutes Tim had the pleasure
of coming back to the phone to say:

"Sir, your 'printer' is a fax machine. Go and find the printer."

And they wonder why we call them "Computer Users, Non-Technical."

Editor's Note: I thought they were called "Computer Losers" ...
(?) </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Cockpit Trouble
(Ostensibly Real Quotes From Computer Users)

Don't talk to me -- *just fix it!* JUST FIX IT!!

It wasn't doing this yesterday -- what did you do to me?

I need you to fix this *right now*, it's been busted for three
weeks. No, this is the first time I've called...

What took you so long? This is the 15th time I've called you. No,
I didn't leave any messages.

I hate dealing with computer geeks -- oops, um, of course I don't
mean you.

You're saying it's user error? Well, let's just see what your
*manager* thinks about this!

Well, the last guy told me to do it *this* way, and I'd rather
believe him than you. My computer is broken, and if you don't
replace it right away, I'm calling your boss and his boss and his
boss.

It says to hit any key. My keyboard doesn't have an "any" key.

Should I hit enter or return?

Can you get me a faster computer?

I want a new hard drive. This one's out of focus.

It was working fine yesterday, and I didn't drop it!

This computer is jinxed. I want another one.

My blinky is stuck.

I didn't change anything -- I swear!

Oh, by the way, yesterday I swapped out the motherboard and the hard
disk, installed Windows 95, and dropped the computer down the
stairs. Do you think that has anything to do with my problem?

I'm getting an error message that says "Network error, unable to
connect to socket." Does that mean my computer is unplugged?

I need to know what bulb my monitor uses. It has burned out and my
monitor no longer works.

I've learned this command that keeps me from running out of disk
space. When the disk is full, I just delete some files. If I ever
need them again, I can always *undelete* them.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top 11 Reasons Why Computer Geeks Make Better Husbands
By Kathi Hunder

The following was in the "Celebrations" section of the San Jose
Mercury News. Ordinary people enter short articles stating why
their friends or loved ones should be considered to be extraordinary.

11. Computer geeks require little mirror time (unlike the marketing
guy I used to date).

10. You never have to worry about shopping for birthdays or
Christmas -- a Computer Literacy gift certificate will do just fine.

9. No need to buy expensive work clothes--a couple pairs of jeans
and Dockers will carry your computer geek for about two years.

8. I was the first woman on the block to have my own e-mail address.

7. My shopping list has been on a spreadsheet for about three years
now.

6. Computer geeks never go carousing at bars--just Fry's Electronics.

5. Computer geeks actually know how to program VCRs.

4. The biggest argument at our house: Mac vs PC.

3. There's always someone around to explain Dilbert to me.

2. My own Web site. 'Nuff said.

1. He would never divorce me -- I would get half his software.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Setting Priorities

Then there was time we used to run APL on Scientific Time Sharing.
(Hmmm ... about 24 years ago?)

[Editor's Note: Face it, Marc: You're *old*. :-) </vs>]

The computer had one of those cute little sign-on message-of-the-day
routines ("Happy Birthday Beethoven," or the like). Sometimes they
even included useful information, like a new function that was being
supported. The most memorable, however, was the one that read:

"No operator HELP available at this time as the building is on fire."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Hotel [Berkeley] California
Written by David Barr
and Ken Hornstein
and a little help from Greg Nagy

(Sung, if possible, to the tune of "Hotel California," by the Eagles)

In a dark dim machine room
Cool A/C in my hair
Warm smell of silicon
Rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a Solarian(tm) light
My kernel grew heavy, and my disk grew slim
I had to halt(8) for the night
The backup spun in the tape drive
I heard a terminal bell
And I was thinking to myself
This could be BSD or USL
Then they started a lawsuit
And they showed me the way
There were salesmen down the corridor
I thought I heard them say

Welcome to Berkeley California
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely place (backgrounded)
Such a lovely trace(1)
Plenty of jobs at Berkeley California
Any time of year
Any time of year (backgrounded)
You can find one here
You can find one here

Their code was definitely twisted
But they've got the stock market trends
They've got a lot of pretty, pretty lawyers
That they call friends
How they dance in the courtroom
See BSDI sweat
Some sue to remember
Some sue to forget
So I called up Kernighan
Please bring me ctime(3)
He said
We haven't had that tm_year since 1969
And still those functions are calling from far away
Wake up Jobs in the middle of the night
Just to hear him say

Welcome to Berkeley California
Such a lovely Place
Such a lovely Place (backgrounded)
Such a lovely trace(1)
They're livin' it up suing Berkeley California
What a nice surprise
What a nice surprise (backgrounded)
Bring your alibis

Windows NT a dreaming
Pink OS on ice
And they said
We are all just prisoners here
Of a marketing device
And in the judge's chambers
They gathered for the feast
They diff(1)'d the source code listings
But they can't kill -9 the beast
Last thing I remember
I was restore(8)'ing | more(1)
I had to find the soft link back to the path I was before
sleep(3) said the pagedaemon
We are programmed to recv(2)
You can swap out any time you like
But you can never leave(1)

[substitute whirring of disk and tape drives for guitar solo]

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