Collage 282               H u m o u r N e t               14 JUL 96

::snip administrivia::

So much for the administrivia -- I promise we'll be back to "normal"
openers as soon as the move is complete. In the meantime, I appreciate
your patience, and offer these computer-humor tidbits as consolation
amusement ...

This one came straight from my Mac: "An unexpected error occurred
because an error of type 27,842 occurred." (If I remember correctly,
an error of type 27,842 is either "Windoze machine detected nearby"
or "Unauthorized attempt to install Microsoft software.")

While trying to play a music CD, the following dialog box appeared:
"<name of application deleted> has aborted because of a tragic,
catastrophic error. It was really bad. I can assure you I wouldn't
do this on a mere whim." (Really! I'm not making this up.)

I saw this sign on a button in a computer store: "If cars had
followed the same development path as computers, a Rolls Royce would
cost $1000, get a million miles to the gallon, and explode once a
year, killing everyone inside."

Speaking of deep thoughts, Richard in Phoenix brings us a complete
set, entitled "Deep Thoughts, Take One";

Sergio in the United Kingdom follows up with "Deep Thoughts, Take
Two";

Kim in Iowa continues the theme with "Deep Thoughts, Take Three";

and Carrie in Denver rounds it out with "Deep Thoughts, Take Four."

Moving on, Shawn King (the Bawdy.Net moderator, who is filled with
more useless trivia than most people who end up sitting next to me
on airplanes ;-) sends us "First Class" and "Fun With Freemen, Take
One";

Gigi in Pittsburgh contributes an original piece, "Top 10 Kathy Lee
Reasons For Using Child Labor in Honduras";

the "California Residency Test" comes to us from Cindy in California,
with an assist from Kevan in Maine;

And Vicki in Great Falls, Montana, rounds out the Freemen theme with
the piece "Fun With Freemen, Take Two."

It's a little longer than most Collages, but mailings have been
rather intermittent lately, so I fattened this one up a bit.

Many thanks to our contributors -- and, again, a big thanks to
everyone for their patience during the Great HumourNet Move of 1996.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Deep Thoughts, Take One

Fred Allen: "A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to
become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being
recognized."

Jack Benny: "Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you
don't mind, it doesn't matter."

Milton Berle: "A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses
hours."

Erma Bombeck: "Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving."

Daniel J. Boorstin (Librarian): "(Reading is like) the sex act ...
done privately, and often in bed."

[Editor's Note: If Dan's sex is, like his reading, done privately,
then I guess we can safely assume that there are no "Dan Juniors"
running around. ;-) </vs>]

George Burns: "Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar
and a good woman ... or a bad woman; it depends on how much
happiness you can handle.

Harry Chapman: "Having served on various committees, I have drawn
up a list of rules: Never arrive on time; this stamps you as a
beginner. Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
stamps you as being wise. Be as vague as possible; this avoids
irritating the others. When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee
be appointed. Be the first to move for adjournment: this will make
you popular; it's what everyone is waiting for."

Bill Cosby: "When you become senile, you won't know it."

Noel Coward: "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by
people who annoy me."

Jacqueline Kennedy: "The one thing I do not want to be called is
First Lady. It sounds like a saddle horse."

John F. Kennedy: "A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a
friendly divorce, any more than a good mortician wants to finish his
job and then have the patient sit up on the table."

Sam Levenson: "Insanity is hereditary ... you get it from your
children."

Marilyn Monroe: "I've been on a calendar, but never on time."

Marilyn Monroe, on posing nude for the calendar: "It's not true that
I had nothing on. I had the radio on."

Charles M. Schulz: "No problem is too big to run away from."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Deep Thoughts, Take Two

Confucius say, "Man doing push-up in long grass not necessarily
exercise freak."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Deep Thoughts, Take Three

A day without sunshine is like night.

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not
true. I have the heart of a young boy ... in a jar on my desk."
-- Steven King, 3/8/90

He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.

If you had everything, where would you keep it?

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because
someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the
top."
-- English Professor, Ohio State University

What was "sliced bread" the greatest thing since?

When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the
occasional division by zero.

Save the whales -- collect the whole set.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown
with great force.
-- Dorothy Parker

The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
-- Joe Walsh

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Deep Thoughts, Take Four

California Governor Pete Wilson wants the Unabomber to be tried in
California. Let's see ... a high-profile case ... lots of evidence
... my guess is he'll be out playing golf with OJ within 6 months.
-- David Letterman

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: First Class

Two fellows grew up in the mountains, and when they were grown, one
of them said he was going up North to seek his fortune. The other
one said he'd stay home and look after the farm and their parents.
The one up North became a salesman, soon was sales manager, and then
vice president and president of the company. Before long, his
business was bought out by a big company out West. In a little
while, he became president of the parent company.

One day he got a call from his brother on the farm, who said, "Daddy
died, and the funeral is Friday."

He said, "Oh, my goodness. I have to leave Thursday for a big
merger meeting in Japan. I just can't come, but I want you to give
Daddy the best funeral you can get and send the bill to me. It's
the least I can do."

Well, the brother did that, and in a few weeks, the successful
brother received a bill for $6,000, and he paid it. The following
month, a bill for $100 came. Thinking they had forgotten something,
he paid it. The next month, another bill for $100 came, and he paid
that one, too. When another $100 bill arrived the third month, he
called his brother and asked if why he was getting these bills.

"Oh, yes," the brother said, "I think I know. See, when we got Daddy
all dressed up in his old serge suit in that new casket with that
polished wood and satin lining, he just didn't look right, and since
you said you wanted the best, we rented him a tuxedo."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top 10 Kathy Lee Reasons For Using Child Labor in Honduras
By Gigi Speck.

10. Mexican kids were busy getting the Regis line ready.

9. She needed a new Spring wardrobe & Gelman wouldn't spring for it.

8. Needs extra cash to pay off Carnival Cruise lines for TV gig.

7. She thinks all kids should have some extracurricular activities.

6. This was her big chance to show Hollywood that she can cry on cue.

5. She finally got Entertainment Tonight coverage.

4. She needs a nest egg to buy the Presidency & Vice Presidency for
Cody & Cassidy.

3. Orangutans just couldn't get to the small stitches that little
hands can.

2. Frank has been calling her Mr. Cosell lately, and she may need
extra cash for the rest home.

1. She thought Wal-Mart said the kids work in "sweet shops."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Like, A Totally California State Residency Application... man...

Name: ____________________________________
(Feel free to use popular nicknames, such as "Moon Beam", "Dweezil",
"Moon Unit" "Capt. Trips", etc.)

Age: _____

Inner Child's Age: ___

Age in Dog Years: ____

Age as told to you in a vision by ancient Mayan calendar: ____

Sex:
_____ M
_____ F
_____ Hermaphrodite
_____ Still working it out in therapy

Footwear: ____ Birkenstocks ____ Barefoot

Condition of Feet:
____ Wash Daily
____ Wash Weekly
____ Like, whenever I get to the beach, man...

Occupation:
___ Massage Therapist
___ Astral Counsel
___ Pet Psychologist
___ Channeler of the Dead (real dead, not merely Grateful)
___ Follower of the Dead, (Grateful)
___ Tie-dye vendor at Dead Shows
___ Vendor of "nice hot, fresh veggie burritos" at concerts
___ Cooking up a scheme to channel Jerry Garcia
___ Assistant to Shirley MacLaine
___ Rent-A-Mob protester
___ Purveyor of Fine Herbal Remedies
___ Panhandler claiming to be a veteran
___ Professional Guest on Ricki Lake
___ LA rock star groupie
___ Bottom-feeding LA lawyer
___ Professional Emotional Victim

Name(s) of Significant Other(s): ________________________________

Relationship(s) of Significant Other(s):
____ Astral Soulmate
____ One-night stand from the protest rally who stayed because the
rent was cheap
____ My dog's massage therapist
____ "Just Friends"
____ They're really not that significant, but I'll try to claim them
as tax deduction(s)

Number of Children in Commune: _____

Number of Inner Children In Commune: _____

Number of your Inner Children which have been molested by one of
Roseanne's multiple personalities: ____

Mother's Name: ____________________

Father's Name: ____________________

Where were you were conceived:
____ Woodstock
____ Monterey
____ Under the stars on in the commune's hot tub
____ In the back of a VW micro-bus on the way to a Dead show

Name of book exposing your parents as inner-child abusers:
__________________

Number of copies sold: ____

Number of Wind Chimes Owned: ____

Number of times you've given yourself a concussion by hitting head
on wind chimes: ___

Number of time you've channeled dead space aliens: ____

Number of times a space alien has copped a feel off you: ____

Talk Shows on Which You Make a Regular Appearance:
____ Donahue
____ Ricki Lake
____ Geraldo
____ Sally Jesse
____ The morning news' surf report

Number of times you've eaten your surfboard: ____

Above, while still in parking lot after tripping on your sandals: ____

Number of Grateful Dead concerts attended: ____
(if all, enter "on tour")

Number of bongs you own: ____

Number of times you've drunk your bong water because the weed
ran out: ____

Political Party Affiliation:  (Choose as many as you have
personalities)
____ Green Party
____ American Communist Party
____ Socialist Party
____ New Age Astral Party (channeling the spirits of dead Romans)
____ Hemp Party
____ The Party-Hearty Party
____ Inner Child Abuse Hotline Party
____ New Age Goddess Party

How far is your home from the waterline:
___ Miles
___ Yards
___ Feet
___ I like to wake up with sand in my nose and seaweed in my teeth,
in true harmony with nature as it washes up my nose

Number of surfboards owned: ____

Number of seconds you can talk without using the words "totally",
"like", "man" and "fer shure": ____ (enter, like 0, if you, like,
totally don't know)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Fun With Freemen, Take One

The FBI found the Unabomber suspect on a long list of heavily-armed
recluses with a grudge against the U.S. Government. It's called the
Montana White Pages.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Fun With Freemen, Take Two

Q: How do Montanans file their state taxes?
A: They let the Freemen fill them out, and the Unabomber mails them.

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