Collage 283               H u m o u r N e t               17 JUL 96

A quickie opener and a short Collage to bring you some big news ...

1. The Mac purchase is now complete -- and I'm happy to say that
Collage 283 is coming to you from "Achilles," my new PowerMac 8500.
With this, HumourNet's honorable discharge from the U.S. Army is
official.

[And, in the spirit of Mac purchasing, Shawn, the Bawdy.Net moderator
(visit the HumourNet Web page (see trailer) for more information AND
warnings/disclaimers/etc. about Bawdy.Net -- or <heaven forbid> read
the Welcome message sent to you by the listproc when you subscribed),
sends us the first piece in today's Collage, entitled, "Mac of the
Month Club." This one is a must-read for anyone who has recently
purchased a computer, though it's going to be most amusing to those
who are familiar with the older Macintosh line.]

2. Our new domain name will be in place by the time most of you
read this opener; details on "HumourNet.com" will be forthcoming
once the configuration is complete. (And again, many thanks to Alan
at U. Alberta for making that one possible.)

[And, in the spirit of promoting humor lists throughout the 'Net,
Lorraine in Texas sends us an amusing piece, "Operation 'No Joke,'"
the latest in CDA-related humor.]

This completes the last two phases of HumourNet's transition to the
civilian sector -- though there are still many loose ends that need
tying up. Nevertheless, this move has been completed roughly six
weeks ahead of schedule (albeit several thousand dollars over budget,
so I guess it's a wash) -- roughly one-fourth the time I was
anticipating. Which could all mean only one thing ...

I've missed something *really big*.

And while I'm waiting to find out what I've forgotten, Tom in
Illinois adds some important info to the "Words to Live By" piece in
Collage 280:

   "In the front of the book, _The_Pursuit_of_Happiness_, by
   David G. Myers, Ph.D., ... is the quote 'Everything should
   be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.' The quote is
   attributed to Albert Einstein."

[That quote appeared uncredited in the piece. </vs>]

Well, we can't very well go slighting *Al*, now, can we? I'll add
that change to my "Try To Get To These Things Soon" list. (Thank you
for pointing that out, Tom.)

And while I'm discussing correspondence with my constituency, I'd
like to mention that therre's a proper way to get your list mod to
do a favor for you, and there's an improper way.

[THE IMPROPER WAY]

For example, sending a message to the list mod (that's me, BTW) that
reads "TAKE ME OFF THIS DAMN LIST!" might be considered an example
of how best to ensure that you will be figuring out the unsubscription
instructions on your own.

[THE PROPER WAY]

OTOH, Jack in Spokane, Washington (the "Apple-Maggot Quarantine
State"), sent *this* message to request that I change his subscription
address to his new ISP:

    "... <voice pitch=whine tone=begging> Would you
    <emphasize> please </emphasize> change the subscriptions
    for me? </voice>

    "I thank you in advance. If... this is not possible; you
    are in a grouchy mood; don't have time; don't wanna do it;
    could find better things to do with your time; wish you could
    find better things to do with your time; regret that you
    actually have the time to spare to do this; or realize that
    in the time that it took me to create this letter to you, I
    could have unsubscribed and re-subscribed to your list at
    least 50 times ..."

Though I could do without the whining, the begging *was* appropriate
for the occasion. <g> And humoring the HumourNet Moderator is *always*
a good idea.

(Seriously, I don't mind modifying subscription addresses for people
whose e-mail addresses have changed, and cannot send mail from their
old addresses anymore. The ones I ignore are those who don't even
bother to read the cleverly-crafted, nearly-idiot-proof instructions
in the trailer before sending me a request. Translation: Don't Do
That.)

Well, in the end, Jack *did* get his subscription address fixed. But
I owed him one for an attribution *many* Collages back in which I
had inadvertently moved him to Oregon -- without even asking him if
he liked the place. All debts get paid eventually....

Anyway, a big thanks goes out to Shawn and Lorraine for today's
Collage -- and similarly to Alan for his invaluable assistance in
helping me to complete The Great HumourNet Move of 1996 well ahead
of schedule.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Mac of the Month Club
by Howard Partner
Excerpted from Adam Engst's "TidBITS" April Fool's Day issue

Are you confused by the constant proliferation of new Macintosh
models? Worse yet, do you suffer from Mac Envy, when three weeks
after you get your new Mac a new model appears offering twice the
features at half the price?

Your frustrations will be gone forever when you become a member of
the Mac of the Month Club. Each month you will be sent the latest
Mac model computer, printer, digital camera, or whatever! Try it
out at your leisure. If you like it, keep it. If not, just return
it. You simply agree to purchase just three Macintosh computers,
printers, digital cameras, or scanners each year! We will
automatically bill your MasterCard, Visa, American Express, or
parents.

To start off your subscription as a charter member of the Mac of the
Month Club, choose three of these great Macintosh classics for just
$9.99:

**The Mac Plus** -- It comes complete with floppy drive, System 4.2,
MacPaint, MacDraw, MacWrite, and QuickDex! Won't this tan beauty
look great alongside your 8-track player and rotary telephone!

**The ImageWriter **-- Shipped to you complete with 42 yards of
perforated computer paper. Leave your ImageWriter turned on and
printing when you leave home or office. Burglars will think you're
having a class reunion inside and steer clear! [Editor's note:
Apple only recommends use of the ImageWriter as a home security
device for trips under two weeks - in that time the ImageWriter will
either finish the document or jam, thus eliminating its utility as a
security device. -Adam]

**Floppies Galore** -- Two thousand pre-formatted 400K MFS floppy
disks. They make great party coasters, mini-frisbees, or bathroom
tiles!

**Graphics Extravaganza!** SuperPaint 1.0, FullPaint, Canvas 1.0,
and PageMaker 1.0. Relive the days of the Desktop Publishing
Revolution just like the early pioneers, in the comfort of your own
home or office.

**ThunderScan** -- It's the scanner that pops into your ImageWriter
just like a ribbon cartridge. Your kids will spend days spellbound
by the sight of your stock certificates, magazine photos, and old
love letters coming into view on your computer screen. You'll be
surprised and thrilled each time you turn on your computer and view
these items as startup screens.

Send in your application today to the Mac of the Month Club.
Membership is not available to residents of Cuba, certain Middle
Eastern principalities, or planets currently at perihelion. A small
charge for shipping and handling will be applied to all orders.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Operation "No Joke"

S P E C I A L   A N N O U N C E M E N T ! !
Dateline: Washington D C; April 1

The United States Congress passed new legislation today related to
the CDA bill. Effective immediately, "no postings of a humorous or
amusing nature may be transmitted electronically via the Internet,
bulletin boards, FAX or any other means of electronic communications."

According to Congressional spokesperson Ima Dredge, "We have
confiscated names from so-called 'joke list maintainers' and those
who post alleged humorous material, or even read alleged humorous
postings on Internet newsgroups." Ms. Dredge continued, "Stupid
humor has no place in cyberspace; that is reserved for politicians
in Washington. Those clowns have the audacity to think they have
some sort of right to freedom of speech, without repercussions. The
Internet must be returned to the serious void it once was. We have
authorized the military to hunt down and delete anyone who has
posted or read anything that might be considered funny."

It has been reported throughout the US that military special forces
squads have been conducting raids, dubbed 'Operation No Joke'
throughout the day. General Darth Slader, in charge of 'user
delete' operations, admitted, "Sure, I like a good belly-laugh as
much as the next guy, but Congress says it's illegal now. So, we've
got a job to do." The General added, "This is sure a helluva lot
easier than trying to take out guys with weapons. Just a bunch of
computer geeks. We've developed 'Smart Oriented Bombs' (SOB) that
can be sent through e-mail to suspected jokers; got the idea from
the Unabomber. When they pick up their mail, their modem explodes,
taking out the system, and hopefully the user. Neat, clean and
untraceable."

Local authorities have reported a rash of exploding computers and
military raids. It appears joke list providers have been especially
hard hit, but more cases of average joke readers are beginning to
surface. Several renegade jokesters have moved underground and have
been able to avoid the military slaughter.

Hopefully, you'll receive this notice before it's too late.

DO NOT read any jokes from the Internet. If someone tries to tell
you a joke, just say NO. If someone asks you "Why did the chicken
cross the road," reply that you don't know -- it's a trick question.
Delete any humorous material from your computer and backups. Do not
laugh, or even smile, while sitting at your computer. Remember,
there may be an SOB with your name on it.

And, most important of all,
... [Transmission Interrupted] ...

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