Collage 284               H u m o u r N e t               23 JUL 96

Hello, HumourNetters -- remember me? I'm your only-slightly-AWOL
HumourNet moderator, still working on completing the transfer of
everything HumourNet to our new ISP and Web sites.

Things are progressing very nicely, though there's still a lot to
do. Unfortunately, that means that we must suffer through yet
another admin opener. (Sorry. I think I should have the
configuration complete by the end of this week -- just in time for
me to leave for Florida for a week. Hopefully, though, once I
return we'll be back to business as usual. Whatever *that* is....)

To update you on the move, I have some really big news ...

<fanfare> THE REALLY BIG NEWS </fanfare>

"HumourNet.com" is now a registered domain name at the InterNIC,
with a big thanks to Alan Skelley for setting up the required DNSs
for me. (Hey Alan, I don't care what *anyone* says about you -- not
even the things that were alluded to in that rather nasty article in
the Washington Post -- YOU'RE OKAY IN MY BOOK. ;-)

This means that you can now access the Web and FTP files on Elycion
via shorter (and more easily remembered) URLs....

  Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
  FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet>

These URLs are permanent, so this should be the last time that I
suggest you reset your bookmarks. Also, the archives on Colossus
are being phased out as we speak: The Collage archives and the
HumourNet archives have already been removed, and the Colossal Humor
Page now provides *only* a redirect to Elycion. Other parts of the
Web pages on Colossus will also be phased out shortly, so start
using Elycion exclusively.

That concludes this update; now we can move on to the contractually-
obligated humor....

Apparently, President Clinton's motorcade stopped an attempted bank
robbery in Atlanta this past week: The motorcade blocked the escape
route, and led directly to a rather swift apprehension of the
criminal. (As soon as I can get the paperwork processed, I fully
intend to induct this man into HumourNet's Stupid-Criminal Hall of
Shame.) I've heard a lot of commentary on this event, including that
it's all just part of Clinton's new anti-crime plan. But the best
comment, by far, came from Jack Diamond -- a morning-show DJ on a
major Washington, D.C., radio station, *and* one of HumourNet's
Distinguished Members. According to Jack (and I will have to
paraphrase him, since I didn't have the time to solicit a verbatim
quote), "Clinton is *used* to this sort of thing; he is already
quite accustomed to being associated with felony crimes." (BTW, many
of you can "tune in" to Jack every weekend: His weekly Top Twenty
countdown is heard in Europe and around the world every Saturday at
6:00 p.m. Central European Time, and on Sunday at ... well, check
local listings for Sunday's air time.)

Now, this *has* to be a prime example of poor planning, criminal-wise:
To attempt to rob a bank, and *not* realize that the bank is right
on the President's motorcade route? Even if he couldn't tell where
the route was, anyone with an I.Q. over, say, *twelve* would
realize that the place had to be crawling with police.

Overall, it was A Very Bad Day for him. But thousands of people
throughout history have had Much Worse Days ... and this Collage
discusses several of those accounts in glorious detail.

Lenore in Virginia brings us "And You Thought YOU Were Having a Bad
Day, Take 1";

Nancy in Maryland sent, way back in Collage 43, the piece that is now
re-titled as, "And You Thought YOU Were Having a Bad Day, Take 2";

and Richard in Phoenix submits the collection "How Not To Die: The
Dumbest Deaths in Recorded History."

It's the Official "Bad Day" Collage -- dedicated to our would-be
bank robber in Atlanta, who knows firsthand just how bad it can get.

Hope your days go better than these ... :-)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: And You Thought YOU Were Having a Bad Day, Take 1

Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain *doomed*. If you
don't believe it, consider these weird deaths:

* A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a
river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window,
climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.

* Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the
dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on
passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.

* Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so
afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to
cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused
Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured
skull.

* George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly
escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one
wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene
to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him,
killing him.

* Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo
Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand
threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not
to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the
gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.

* In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in
her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched,
she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

* A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay
back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend
he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled
forward and crushed him to death.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: And You Thought YOU Were Having a Bad Day, Take 2

* Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled
out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and
found himself in the city prison.

* In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing
the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and
flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay
stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the
gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine
the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd,
leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more
battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd
wisely scattered and only one person was hit-Bob Finnegan. In the
space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken
pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials
said he would recover.

* While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti
came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming
down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat,
which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later
a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by
a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing,
the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be
trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head.
In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began
scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to
this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into
the sports- car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his
car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify
the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and
his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies
were still trying to sort out the claims.

* Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision
in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding
his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the
moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they
smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head
injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.

* In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged
eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four
years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that
started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they
stood waiting for a train.

* Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant
nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an
elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When
his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a
neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses,
seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the
room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her
stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she
dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of
manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.

* An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday
Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she
remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed
downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at
the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in
and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer
his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments
later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification,
the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man
from the gas company, come to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the
woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused
himself and departed.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: How Not To Die: The Dumbest Deaths in Recorded History
Excerpted from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
"All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced
in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the
case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles, reviews, and
HumourNet Collages distributed via the Internet."

Attila the Hun:

One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's army had
conquered all of Asia by 450 AD--from Mongolia to the edge of the
Russian Empire--by destroying villages and pillaging the
countryside.

How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night

In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his
reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and
drink lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night, however,
he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime
during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to
notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next
morning.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Tycho Brahe:

An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground
breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the
theory of gravity.

How he died: Didn't get to the bathroom in time

In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet
table before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively,
had a bladder condition -- but failed to relieve himself before the
banquet started. He made matters worse by drinking too much at
dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused. His bladder
finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11
days.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Horace Wells:

Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s

How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide

While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia
research, Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848 he was
arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric acid. In a letter he
wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform for his problems, claiming
that he'd gotten high before the attack. Four days later he was
found dead in his cell. He'd anaesthetized himself with chloroform
and slashed open his thigh with a razor.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Francis Bacon:

One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A
statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even
rumored to have written some of Shakespeare's plays.

How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken

One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck
by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve
meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he
purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then,
standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of
snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Jerome Irving Rodale:

Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of "Organic
Farming and Gardening" magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a
major publishing corporation.

How he died: On the "Dick Cavett Show", while discussing the
benefits of organic foods.

Rodale, who bragged "I'm going to live to be 100 unless I'm run down
by a sugar-crazed taxi driver," was only 72 when he appeared on the
"Dick Cavett Show" in January 1971. Part way through the interview,
he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The
show was never aired.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Aeschylus:

A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the
father of Greek tragedies.

How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head

According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack
them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus'
head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Jim Fixx:

Author of the best selling "Complete Book of Running," which started
the jogging craze of the 1970s.

How he died: A heart attack....while jogging

Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his
house and began jogging. He'd only gone a short distance when he
had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his
coronary arteries was 99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a
third was 70% blocked....and that Fixx had had three other attacks
in the weeks prior to his death.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

And finally there's Lully, one of our favorite 16th-century
composers, who wrote music for the king of France.

While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating time with
his staff, and drove it right through his foot. He died of
infection.

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