Collage 285               H u m o u r N e t               27 JUL 96

I have good news, great news, and hysterical news.

The Good News: As of today, HumourNet numbers more than 4000
members worldwide -- and this is almost exactly one year after
"going public" with 64 (!) subscribers.

The Great News: The Great HumourNet Move of 1996 is now complete.
All server files are in place, the domain name is established, the
new mailboxes are fully configured, and all the old software has
been rewritten to talk to Achilles (the *new* Mac) instead of
Colossus (the old, used Mac).

Speaking of the domain name, *please note* that the new URL for the
Colossal Humor Page -- HumourNet's home page on the Web -- *is* case
sensitive. That means you must enter the URL *exactly* as shown,
including proper upper and lowercase letters. The new URL is:

             http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/

                     (Pretty swank, huh?)

The Hysterical News: Sadly, the most difficult part of the Great
Move has been adjusting to the transition from ethernet and T-1 to
modem and PPP. But it has had its more entertaining aspects -- in
particular, a brief thread that developed on Mac-L (the Yale
listserv's "Macintosh News and Information" list) over the past few
days. I'll give you the "Reader's Digest" version ...

      "Macintosh Users Are Nothing If Not Compassionate"

James in Madison, Wisconsin, volunteered a ludicrously simple
solution to a nagging problem I'd been having with my PPP software.
I replied (via direct mail) that, if the solution was *really* that
embarrassingly simple, I'd just have to kill myself. To which *he*
responded, "Be sure to write the List a little suicide note before
you go."

(To quote James: "Macintosh owners are nothing if not compassionate."
If this is true, then we're in deep kimchee.)

It turned out that he was correct about the PPP fix -- so I took his
advice, and sent a short suicide note to the list. The note ended
with the following message:

"If anyone has any suggestions on how I can do this (the suicide
part) quickly and cleanly -- WITHOUT GETTING BLOOD ON MY NEW 8500!
-- please e-mail me directly. I'll summarize to the list when it's
all over."

Well, the suggestions have been *pouring* in. In fact, I'm starting
to get a little concerned. ;-)

For example, there was *this* message, from Alex:

"How about connecting yourself to the SCSI chain and turning on the
Mac, I heard there are some pretty high voltages there. Oh, and
don't forget to use a SCSI terminator."

Of course, we need to cover all the *technical* issues associated
with that configuration; hence, this question from Nic in
Washington (state):

"Exactly where should the terminator be placed? ;-)"

And the follow-up from Alex:

"Presumably at the last device on the SCSI chain.... It's very
important to get this right, otherwise its only the Mac that's going
to do the expiring. Oh, and don't forget to get the IDs right ...
you don't want yourself conflicting with your brand-new 8x-speed
multidisk multiformat CD-recordable ultraSCSI drive."

(Mac users: 'We're Nothing If We're Not Compassionate(tm).')

I have to admit, I was nearly moved to tears by this unabashed
outpouring of concern over my possible demise.

But the majority of suggestions seemed to have two distinct -- yet
consistent -- overriding themes. See for yourselves:

Peter J (in California?) sent me "several options," including ...

"You could just strap yourself to your chair in front of your 8500
and surf yourself to death. You *would* have to worry about smacking
your keyboard and monitor with your head when you passed out."

... and ...

"You could go out and buy a cheap PC clone and refuse to eat, drink,
or sleep until you had set up Windows to work perfectly with a CD ROM,
scanner, SCSI card, monitor etc. The problem with that is you might
end up shooting yourself out of frustration, and then there would
be blood."

Peter finished, compassionately, with:

"Well, if you decide to use one of these methods, all I ask in
return is, 'Can I have your computer?'"

(BTW, Peter's sig reads, "It is easier to beg for forgiveness than
to ask for permission." I don't think I want to know what *his*
married life is like. ;-)

Joe D. followed through with this:

"Buy a PC and CD-ROM ... attempt to install the CD-ROM drivers and
then attempt to use the CD-ROM player."

Then James in Wisconsin (remember him?) tried to convince me that
God is a Windows 95 user (that's when I *knew* he was lying), and
that He'd helped out with the Win95 marketing strategy. ("The Stones
thing? That was God's idea.") And that I am ready to attain "a whole
new level of spiritual awareness." I was *almost* buying it -- until
he said *this*:

"Let another student of life have your Macintosh *and* your copy of
FreePPP, Vince. You're ready for the next leg of your cyber-spiritual
journey.

"You're ready for Windows."

THAT was when I unsubscribed him. ;-)

Finally, in response to Jim's "Macintosh owners are nothing if not
compassionate" quote (soon to become an Apple service mark, I'm
sure), Joe B. in Dallas, Texas, had *this* to say:

"Let's not forget opportunistic -- we know a great deal when we see
one. Bye Vince, and thanks for the 8500!"

Note, in these messages, that there are two very consistent themes:

1. Windows is somehow associated with suicide and/or death.

2. Achilles (the new 8500) would do well as a free agent.

(Luckily, Achilles will be in the shop for a cache upgrade while I'm
gone -- otherwise I'd either have to pack it in my luggage or hire
an armed guard for it while I'm in Florida next week.)

Well, all this talk about suicide and Windows has convinced me that
"It Is Time Again."

Yes, brothers and sisters, it's another Microsoft Collage.

Richard in Phoenix, Arizona, starts things off with two important
announcements: "MicroSoft Baby" and "MicroSoft to Shorten Name";

Jim in Los Angeles, California, contributes the top-secret "Z-D
Submission/Editorial Guidelines";

Ben joins the fray with "WYSIWYG, Microsoft Style";

and the recently-relocated Pastor Rus wraps up this Collage with
"The Microsoft Customer-Response Centre."

I'd like to extend a *huge* thanks to this issue's contributors --
including those who've been assisting me with suggestions to help me
effect a quick and clean demise.

NO ONE gets the 8500. <g>

This is a rather *huge* Collage -- but recall that I will be away
next week, so it has to carry you until I return on 5 August. And
since the Great HumourNet Move of 1996 is now complete, we will
hopefully be getting back to normal (whatever that's supposed to
mean) as soon as I return. Again, thanks for your collective
patience during the Great Move.

Enjoy! And I'll see you on the 5th.

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: MicroSoft Baby

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from
Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates weighed 8
pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April
26 at 6:11 p.m.

And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?

1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third
party support.

2. Both barf all over themselves _regularly_.

3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't
help.

4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which
preceeded them.

5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to
grow and grow and grow with each passing year.

6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could
have produced one.

7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.

8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement
and the actual release.

9. Bill gets the credit, but someone else did most of the work.

10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: MicroSoft to Shorten Name

Microsoft today announced that it will be changing its name to
"Moft" -- a change designed to clear up space on user's hard disks.
It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation contains
about 2,800,000 copies of the word "Microsoft" -- in copyright
notices, end-user license agreements, 'About' screens, etc. So,
after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space.
Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the
announcement.

"Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk,"
said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that.
The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of
14, thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs. We are
also looking at shortening the names of some of our software
products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to
'The Moft Pit.'

Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential
savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft
Win 95.'

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Z-D Submission/Editorial Guidelines

Submission/Editorial Guidelines: Ziff-Davis Incorporated(tm).
1991-6(c)

Note: Please adhere to the following guidelines as closely as
possible, since the tight publication schedule prohibits the
querying of authors on questions that may arise.

1. All material will be copyedited according to the Chicago Manuel
of Style. Manuel is some guy Microsoft(c) sends over on Wednesdays.

2. Due to the vast amount of new software entering the marketplace,
we cannot afford to compare every new product with the 'leading'
product in that software's category. Head to head comparisons
should be reserved for products which have already garnished
sizable marketshare. The only exception is Microsoft(c) software.
It is particularly important to review pre-releases (aka "betas") of
Microsoft(c) software against the dominant product in any given
software market. If Microsoft(c) is unable to provide evaluation
copies of said product, feel free to compare the dominant existing
product to features Microsoft(c) intends to include in their
competing product as outlined in any press-releases related to the
product.

3. When reviewing any software product which competes with an
existing Microsoft(c) product, for any feature of said product which
strikes the reviewer as particularly innovative or valuable, be sure
to include a parenthetical reference to the Microsoft(c) product,
mentioning its existence there as well. If the existing
Microsoft(c) product does not have this said feature, include a
parenthetical reference to the next version of the Microsoft(c)
product. In this case be sure to forward a copy of the document to
Microsoft(c) so they can adjust their press releases accordingly.

4. Evaluations of new hardware features should be weighted by the
degree to which these features are supported by Microsoft's(c)
Windows 95(tm) . Hardware which is not actively supported by
Windows 95 (tm) should be described as "a market sure to explode
when Microsoft(c) provides support for it in the next release of
Windows 95(tm) ". Hardware features currently supported by
Microsoft's(c) Windows 95 (tm) should be described as the "industry
standard, due to native support built into Microsoft's(c) Windows
95(tm) ."

5. Any product, either hardware or software, which serves the
business or industrial community, should be evaluated in terms of
its support for Microsoft's(c) Windows NT(tm) . While at this time,
no one uses Microsoft's(c) Windows NT(tm) , recall that Ziff-Davis
is in a business arrangement with Microsoft(c) to promote the
increased use of Microsoft's(c) Windows NT(tm) .

6. When reviewing any Microsoft(c) product, refer to any feature
that especially strikes the reviewer, in particular features to be
included in the next release, as "innovative", "groundbreaking", or
"standard setting". Do not be swayed by the inclusion of similar or
more advanced features in IBM's OS/2 operating system, even if OS/2
has included these features for over three years (for example, long
file names). Nor allow the issue of whether Microsoft(c) actually
developed the said feature or simply stole the technology prevent
you from congratulating Microsoft(c) on inventing it.

7. When reviewing OS/2 and OS/2-related products adhere to the
following methodology:

Reviews of personal/home software products: Test on 8 megabyte 486
systems with OS/2 Warp Connect, or (preferably) Warp Server
installed.

Reviews of business/client-server products: Test on 8 megabyte 486
systems with OS/2 Warp Red Spine installed (refer to the product as
"OS/2 for Windows(tm)"). Alternately refer to the operating system
as 'Connect,' 'Warp,' or 'OS/2.' Be sure to emphasize the product's
interoperablity with Microsoft's(c) Windows 95(tm) applications that
rely heavily upon OLE technology. (Note: DO NOT do this once OS/2
'Merlin' with OpenDoc begins shipment).

8. For all other questions, contact Manuel@microsoft(c).com.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: WYSIWYG, Microsoft Style

Microsoft WYSIWYG: What You Steal is What You Got.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Microsoft Customer-Response Centre

Have you ever wondered why Microsoft has a Customer Response Centre
instead of a technical help line? You just have to ring them up to
find out:

Welcome to the Microsoft Customer Response Centre; this system is
computerised to help you reach the person you need with greater
ease. If you know the number of the person you want to talk to,
press it now -- otherwise, please choose from the following menu:

Press 1 to hear that we've released a new operating system so your
software is no longer supported.

Press 2 to be told that we know that there's a bug in our software,
but we're not going to admit it's there.

Press 3 to be told that yes there's an upgrade to your software
available but we just couldn't be bothered to tell anyone.

Press 4 to hear that you'll have to pay for a bug fix upgrade that
adds no extra functionality.

Press 5 to hear that although we'd really like to write VB for the
Mac we think it would reduce sales of Windows 95, so we're not going
to.

Press 6 to hear that although Word 5 for the Mac was one of the
fastest word processors around and Word 6 is one of the slowest,
it's not our fault, and we didn't deliberately cripple it to hinder
Mac sales.

Press 7 to hear that you have been the victim of a worldwide
marketing ploy.

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