Collage 286               H u m o u r N e t                6 AUG 96

I leave for a week, and all hell breaks loose around here ...

Remember the opener in Collage 285? When I mentioned that we had
crossed the 4000-subscriber mark? Well, we just crossed the
5500-subscriber mark, and 6000 is looming large.

Most of this is pretty easily explained: An ad for HumourNet ran in
this week's edition of "This is True" -- Randy Cassingham's strange-
news-and-acerbic-wit humor list. (FMI, send a blank e-mail to
TrueInfo@freecom.com, or see <http://www.freecom.com/TrueHome> --
you'll like it.) But about 200 of them rolled in last Wednesday and
Thursday -- someone must have posted something somewhere, but I
haven't been able to track it down. Anyway, if you know what it
was, please drop me a note.

Speaking of posting HumourNet, I'd like to extend quick thanks to
John in Canberra, Australia. John subscribes to a "records
management" list that has recently been subjected to a wave of bad
humor; in an attempt to "stem the tide of bad jokes interrupting
[his] work," he posted the following note to the Recmgmt list ...

"I love a good joke as much as the next person, but I subscribe to
Recmgmt to get information on Records Management. If I wanted jokes
I would subscribe to 'HumourNet' and get my fix that way..."

... followed by the HumourNet subscription instructions. Thanks
for looking out for us, John.

And, on the subject of looking out for us, Joe in New York sends
this:

"Today, I heard the first section of your Collage 284 on the RADIO:
'And You Thought YOU Were Having a Bad Day, Take 1.' Practically
verbatim, too. ... Anyway, the funniest part about all of this was
that I'm sitting there in my car, knowing everything this guy's
going to say before he says it because I read it here first a week
ago! Gee, and people wonder how DJs come up with their material!"

Joe mentioned that the piece aired on the "Rocky Allen Show," and
that no credit was given HumourNet. It's quite likely, though, that
the version they received did not contain the proper credit --
HumourNet or otherwise. So, for those of you who are new to the
list, *please* read over your Welcome message (yes, it's a long one,
but there's a lot of important information in there, and it shouldn't
take more than three or four nights, even for slow readers),
especially the "Forwarding Guidelines" section. And for those of
you who send in submissions to HumourNet, *please* do not remove the
credits (if any). This is really quite fundamentally important --
it helps keep all of us out of hot water.

All of which brings us back to the new subscribers: I'd like to
extend a big welcome to our new members -- some of whom are going to
give even the seasoned HumourNetters a run for their money. In
addition to the two or three of you who sent in contributions before
even receiving their first Collage (a practice that I don't really
recommend, BTW), there was an unprecedented number of amusing
*subscriptions* that have rolled in over the last few days. The
first was from Bryn in Oregon, who filed the following subscription
request:

SUBSCRIBE HUMORNET Bryn <name deleted>, Portland, Oregon (or-ee-GUN)

Bryn provided the listproc with the phonetic spelling of Oregon,
just in case our host list server was confused about (or interested
in?) the proper pronunciation.

And another subscriber, who apparently preferred to remain creatively
anonymous, provided this one:

SUBSCRIBE HUMORNET Helena Handbasket, New York, N.Y.

Heh ... if Ms. Handbasket is likely to live *anywhere*, it's probably
New York. ;-) (Okay, I secretly *like* New York -- it's better than
L.A. But then, so's Cleveland.)

But how about international subscribers? Well, not surprisingly, a
good number of the 1500 or so new members are international -- yet
we added only one new country to the lineup: Belize. I have no
idea whereinthehellis Belize, but welcome aboard.

And the high percentage of international subscribers has motivated a
"Welcome Collage" with a little "international bent" to it -- and so
we come to the [first?] International Humor Collage.

This is always risky, of course -- so, for the profoundly humor
impaired among you (there aren't many, but they all know how to send
mail), THIS IS ALL INTENDED JUST FOR FUN. We mean every joke in
only the nicest possible way. ;-)

Interestingly, the only complaints I ever receive about international
humor are invariably sent from U.S.  sites.  This is odd to me,
because this entire *country* is pretty much international. (Except,
of course, for the original occupants -- whom we screwed over the
first time by taking their land, and screwed over the second time by
not giving them Internet connections.  Of course, they're getting the
last laugh -- *we're* stuck with Manhattan, and *they've* got the $24.
Which, including interest, is now worth several billion dollars --
just about what it would take to bail NYC out of debt.  But I
digress.)

Some ethnic groups, however, seem to be slightly better at taking a
joke than others. For example, my ethnic background is Italian --
and we are typically pretty fond of Italian humor. We're so fond of
it, in fact, that when the Polish-Italian Jokebook came out, back in
the 70s, just about every Italian either purchased or borrowed a
copy of the book. It's a vanity thing with us. ;-)

Anyway, the book was so popular that the author (sorry, I don't
recall his name) put out a second volume -- which was just as
popular as the first. And in the forward to the second volume, he
told an interesting story about Volume 1. To understand it, though,
you have to know that the Polish-Italian Jokebook was organized into
two sections: A Polish section and an Italian section. Each
occupied about half the book -- and they were laid out in a
back-to-back fashion; that is, there were two "front covers" (one
Polish and one Italian), and no back cover. You had to flip the
book over to switch from one section to the other.

Well, one day, a [very nice] Polish fellow decided that he'd about
had enough of the Polish jokes in the Polish-Italian (or was it
Italian-Polish?) Jokebook. He walked into an L.A. bookstore, and
proceeded to remove all of the P-I Jokebooks from the store display.
Or, should I say, he decided to remove *half* of them: He tore each
one in half (down the binder), separating the Italian section from
the Polish section, and carefully placed all the Italian sections
back on the store display.

Not a problem for the store -- I'm sure they were able to sell the
remaining halves to the local Italian population. ;-)

Which just goes to show that not all humor is created equal. And to
those people who can take a joke, I dedicate the following collection
of humorous bits:

"Language Barrier" comes to us from Lorraine in Texas;

Jack in California sends us "The Joke's On Whom?";

Terry contributes some "Cheap Labor";

Geoffrey assumes responsibility for the utterly hysterical "Mafia
Application" (have fun "sleeping with the fishes," Geoffrey);

Lenore in Virginia Beach sends the piece entitled, "Missing the
Point";

Dr. Mike in Baltimore explains why there are "No Chinese Presidents";

Shawn King, the Bawdy.Net moderator (see your Welcome letter for
details on Bawdy.Net, our sister list), contributes some "Actual
American Jokes";

and Dave in Atlanta sends us the last piece, "Playing It Safe."
(Dave insists that, despite the first line, this isn't a racial joke.)

Big thanks to all our contributors for this first International-Humor
Collage. And a big welcome to our new subscribers.

Sorry for the size of this Collage -- it's pretty large -- but I
really needed to cover some admin material. In fact, there's more
where that came from (YIKES!), but I decided to spread it over the
next couple of Collage openers to reduce the pain somewhat. (Some of
it is entertaining, like the Olympics humor that I've received
lately.)

And by next week, even the openers should be back to normal, probably
starting off with some another "animal humor" Collage.

Meanwhile ... Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Language Barrier

A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on. They seat
themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting
behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention
is drawn when she hears one of the men saying:

"Emma comma first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I
comma again. Two asses, they comma together again. I den pee
twice. Den I comma once more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorts the lady indignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, calma-down lady," said the man, "I was only tella my frien'
here how to spella Mississippi."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Joke's On Whom?

Two Portagees met on the street.  The first Portagee bursts out
laughing.  The second Portagee says, "Wadda you laughing at?"

The first Portagee says, "You left your bedroom shade up last night,
and I saw you making love to your wife."

The second Portagee bursts out laughing and says, "The joke's on
you, I wasn't home last night."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Cheap Labor

St.  Peter is inspecting the pearly gates of heaven, along with one
of those Heaven supervisors.  As it turns out, the gates need some
work done, so St.  Peter says he'll get right on it.  The sup says
that, according to regulation, three bids must be submitted before
any work can be done.  St.  Peter, in shock because he doubts there
will be ANY contractors in Heaven -- much less three -- agrees and
proceeds to get his bids.

The first guy he finds is an Irishman.  The Irish guy looks at the
gates, inspects them, and bids $1200 for the project:  $400 for
parts, $400 for labor, and $400 for himself.  St.  Peter thanks the
guy and says that once he has received two more bids, he'll get back
to him.

The next guy St.  Peter finds -- after an extensive search, mind you
-- is an Italian.  The Italian inspects the damage and bids $900:
$300 for parts, $300 for labor, and $300 for himself.  St.  Peter
thanks him and says that once another bid is received he'll make the
decision of whom to contract with.

Finally, after an exhaustive search of Heaven, St.  Peter finds the
third and final contractor -- a Jewish guy.  The Jew looks at the
damage, inspects the gates, and bits $2900.

"$2900!" cries St.  Peter.

"Yes.  $1000 for you, $1000 for me, and we pay the Italian $900 to
do the work."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Mafia Application

                APPLICAZIONNE TO JOINA DE MAFFIA

Whazza u name _________________________    U-Hage_______________

Whazza u howsa nummer ________________     U-Streeta____________

Whazza-U-Bag?  Hitta Man_____ Lona-Arranger_____ Prostitutta?___

Izza U Girl or Boy? (If uzza girl, Oh-Boy!)_____ Justta Checka Wun.
(Wiezza Guy)

Putta Downa Wearra U Worgga Now___________________________________

Wazza U Inna De Bigga Ouse? ____ For Whatzza U Inna De Bigga Ouse?
     I Shoota Wun Guize_____   I Keednappa Sumbody's___________
     Protekshun Ragget______   Udda Things_____________________

U Wanna B De Bigga Shotz, Zumdaze??  Yasse_____ No_____ Eh:_______

U Likka Eata Garlic? _________  Pizza? _________ Salami?__________

U No Ow 2 Makke De Cement Shooz? _________________________________

U Driva De Car? _______ Gadillac_______ Buick _____ Linken________

U Likka Likka Spagett?____ Galamari_____ Girlze?_____ Boyze?______
             (Just peeka one--no foola rounda cus I slappa U face)

U Sees De Godfather?  (Or justa de movie?)

Widda U Antry U Gonna Getta Somtink U Reely Lika..................

1 pr darke glasses                   1 lb. mozzarella cheeze
1 black shirte widda white tie       1 kiss (later, onna U cheek)
1 pr. pointie shooz                  1 wite hat, widde blacke brim
1 pr. cement shooz                   1 spumoni (tutti-frutti)
 (come later when you fool around)   8x10 picchur--Frank Sinatra
1 Appy Face Button

Goode Stoff (Iffa U notta Sure, I Talle U Whatta U Getta, Wizaguy)

JOINNA DE CLUB NOW WHILE YOU STILL CANNA RITE!

[Editor's Note: Did you hear about the guy in NYC who mugged some
old lady -- just to find out (this is true!) (tm) that she is the
mother of one of the leading New York Mafiosos? Now, *that's* what
I'd call a bad day. Heh ... Can you say "Ciao"? </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Missing the Point

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna
hear a Polish joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you
should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm Polish. The
guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's Polish.
The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's Polish.
Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three
times."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: No Chinese Presidents

Top Ten Reasons Why There Won't Be a Chinese American President
Any Time Soon:

10. White House not big enough for in-laws

9. Engineering, medicine, and law always preferred over politics

8. Oval Office has bad feng shui

7. Can't find decent roast duck in D.C.

6. Secret Service could never handle nagging mother

5. Dignitaries generally intimidated by chopsticks at state dinners

4. No chance for promotion

3. Lactose intolerance not considered politically correct

2. Senior aides won't take off shoes before coming in

1. Air Force One: No frequent flier miles

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Actual American Jokes

Q: What do a tornado, hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: Somebody's fixin' to lose a house trailer.

Q: Why don't Republicans have sex standing up?
A: They're afraid it might lead to dancing.

Q: In Arkansas, if you divorce your wife, is she still your sister?
A: Of course.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

A West Virginian walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw
that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of
the line model. The West Virginian is suitably impressed, and buys
it. The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only
cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain
saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the West Virginian says,
"What's that noise?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Playing It Safe

Three expectant fathers, a white guy, a black guy, and a Frenchman,
were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces
that he has some good news and some bad news, "The good news is that
you each are the father of a healthy baby boy. The bad news is that
we've mixed them up."

The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The white guy goes
right to the black baby, picks him up and starts rocking him.

"What are you doing?" the black guy asks, "That is obviously my son."

"I know," said the white guy, "but I didn't want to accidentally get
the French kid."

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