Collage 287               H u m o u r N e t                9 AUG 96

::snip administrivia::

The copyrighted ID4 piece, BTW, basically pokes fun at the idiocy of
the average movie writer -- for example (and hopefully this won't
invite trouble):

   "Standard operating procedure for the Air Force is to cluster
   all vehicles, aircraft, and ground personnel on a 200-meter
   section of tarmac in the middle of an Alien Invasion."

Look, guys, with anyone who's sporting an I.Q. over, say, *twelve*,
"willful suspension of disbelief" will get you only so far; after
that point is crossed, you're into the "Wow, this movie is pretty
stupid" zone. One of my favorite examples of this was the movie
"War Games."

Yes, I said "War Games." Not only was this movie insanely stupid, it
was really just a cheap rip-off of a much older movie that did a far
better job of filling in all the little (and big) technical gaps; I'm
referring to the 1970 Universal Pictures movie, "Colossus: The
Forbin Project."

(The astute among you will note that, yes, this *is* the namesake of
"Colossus: The Internet Project," HumourNet's original list and Web
server.)

In "The Forbin Project," Colossus (the computer-what-controlled-it-
all) sported several key features that The Whopper (however they
decided to spell it) of "War Games" did not:

1. Colossus was, quite literally, buried in a mountain in Colorado.
(I wonder where they *ever* got THAT idea? ;-)

2. It had its own defenses, and was, thus, *designed* to be
impenetrable.

3. It had a bad side. A *really* bad side. An *insidious* side, in
fact. I admired that. <g>

4. Colossus didn't reach pansy "conclusions," like "War Is Stupid,"
or some such nonsense. (Of *course* war is stupid -- that's why the
people in The Big Control Room didn't want that damned glorified P.C.
*starting* one!)

5. It had a Really Cool Name.

6. Colossus didn't play games.

The Whopper, OTOH, was little more than an ENIAC on Slim-Fast(tm)
with a 600-VA uninterruptible power supply.

Colossus didn't *plot* to destroy things -- it just *did* it. The
Whopper couldn't fire a .22 if it's motherboard depended on it.

At the end of "War Games," The Whopper Wimped Out with some insipid
public-service message. Colossus basically ruled the world.

Which one would *you* buy stock in?

And what was this beyond-willful-suspension-of-disbelief dramatic
ending to "War Games"? C'mon, let's be serious for a moment: The
computer (such as it was) is sitting in its little room, plotting to
Destroy The World. An entire crowd of people is standing in the
room RIGHT NEXT TO IT, *looking at it through a window*, watching
The Big Screen in horror and disbelief as The Whopper plans the
destruction of the world....

I was the guy sitting at the back of the theater, saying, "Um,
would someone mind going in there and *unplugging* that silly-*ssed
computer?"

Willful suspension of disbelief? Hardly. We've *got* to draw the
line somewhere. And don't try to defend "War Games" -- it's
indefensible. It has committed nearly every offense listed in the
Computer Movies section of "The Standard Cliche List" -- and even
invented a few of its own. And bringing us the first piece in
Collage 287 -- "Computers in Movies: The Standard Cliche List" --
is Robin in Australia.

Steven Willoughby contributes the excerpt of Andrew Hicks's "'Movie
Critic at LARGE' Movie Reviews" piece;

Karen in Colorado and Brandi in "the wilds of Southern Maryland"
team up to bring us the "Rejected Titles For The Movie 'Twister'";

Dr. Mike in Baltimore sends some "Things That Will Never Happen on
Seinfeld" (this isn't really *movie* related, per se; deal with it);

Richard in Phoenix contributes some "Movie Translations";

and Randy Cassingham, in gorgeous Boulder, Colorado, <jealousy tag>
sends an original piece, "Independence Day -- the Sequel."

It's another HumourNet First -- this time, a "Movie Humor" Collage.
Huge thanks to all the contributors/authors/etc. Time to break out
the popcorn, and ...

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Computers in Movies: The Standard Cliche List
Apparently compiled by Giancarlo Cairella
Available from: <http://www.like.it/vertigo/index.html>

1. Word processors never display a cursor.

2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

3. All monitors display inch-high letters.

4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or
some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand
graphical interfaces.

5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based
command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands
typed in plain English.

6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by
simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by
simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." (See "Fortress")

8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on
the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the
screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the
screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really*
advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just
underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright
flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that
forces you backward.

11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without
saving the data.

12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world
before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See
"Demolition Man" and countless others)

14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will
be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data
at a speed of two gigabytes per second.

15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the
control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the
file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., "Clear and Present
Danger")

17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked
for a password when you try to access it.

18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable
by any system you put it into. All application software is usable
by all computer platforms.

19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has
("Aliens"). However, everyone must have been highly trained,
because the buttons aren't labeled.

20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying
three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics
capability.

21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing
real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY
Y-MP.

22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright
that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See "Alien," "2001")

[Editor's Note: Computers also never experience crashes -- especially
during key, high-intensity scenes. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: 'Movie Critic at LARGE' Movie Reviews
Copyright 1993-96 Andrew Hicks / Fatboy Productions
See the complete text: <http://www.missouri.edu/~c667778>

[Editor's Note: There are *tons* of these; I just picked a few that
I really liked for inclusion here. </vs>]

Glory:
After the slaves were freed, blacks were finally able to join
society. The first all-black Army regiment was formed in 1864 and,
shortly after, the first all-black NBA basketball team was formed as
well. No one expects the all-black regiment to ever be granted
permission to fight in the battles, but Broderick pulls a few
strings and, viola, there they are, getting gunned down like cattle
the next day. Only in America, I tell you.

Halloween II:
Killer Michael Meyers is still as slow as ever, but he manages to
track down an injured Jamie Lee Curtis, who has enough time while
being stalked to change her hair color from brown to blond. This
time we finally find out why Meyers is so bent on killing Jamie
Lee... and no, it's not because she's a bad actress.

Star Trek Generations:
We do see the death of Captain Kirk in Generations. At least Kirk
gets to bid Captain Picard a tearful farewell, his last words being
something about letting Picard keep the $20 deposit if he gets
Kirk's rental hairpiece back to the store before midnight.

You Only Live Twice:
What cracked me up in the first few movies I watched was that even
the women who hated James Bond and were out to kill him still ended
up in the sack with him, not to mention all the women he'd just met
who stopped everything to get horizontal with him. When you calculate
three women a movie times seventeen movies and figure in the statistic
that 25% of people in the world carry some sort of venereal disease,
Bond should have more than enough to mix, match and trade with his
friends. Not to mention all the illegitimate 003-1/2's he's fathered
around the world.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Rejected Titles For The Movie "Twister"
Apparently from the "Top Five" list.

16. "Totally Gone With The Wind"

15. "Lift and Separate"

14. "Boys on the Side -- Of My Barn"

13. "The Weather Channel: The Movie"

12. "Schindler's Twist"

11. "Field of Debris"

10. "Dead Man Flying"

9. "I, Cumulus"

8. "One House Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"

7. "The Splintered Bridges of Madison County"

6. "Wizard of Oz II: The Search For Toto"

5. "Killer Genuine Draft"

4. "Four Weddings & A Funnel"

3. "Indiana Jones and the Trailer Park of Doom"

2. "A Funnel Thing Happened On The Way To The Farm"

1. "Roofless in Seattle"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Things That Will Never Happen on Seinfeld

1. A character dumps his/her girlfriend/boyfriend for a good reason.

2. Susan (George's fiancee if anyone doesn't know) lets George keep
any sort of private information secret.

3. A character goes out with someone for a full week and doesn't
have sex.

4. Kramer knocks before entering Jerry's apartment.

5. Kramer gets evicted for not paying his rent since he has no source
of income.

6. The owner of the diner at which Jerry and the gang hang out kicks
them out for sitting there for 30 minutes without ordering anything.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Movie Translations
Compiled by Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book
_Sex_&_Zen_&_a_Bullet_in_the_Head_, to be published by Fireside.]

These are excerpted from a list of English subtitles used in films
made in Hong Kong:

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

3. Gun wounds again?

4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.

[Editor's Note: Those frisky Hong Kongers ... </vs>]

8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice
chicken.

11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

12. You daring lousy guy.

13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!

14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.

15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

17. How can you use my intestines as a gift?

18. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Independence Day -- the Sequel
By Randy Cassingham

"Aliens arrive from space and destroy Washington. But later they
turn out to be hostile."

Yeah, yeah, but you know Hollywood: what about the SEQUEL?

In ID4, Jeff Goldblum saves the world with his Powerbook.

In ID4-2, "Alien's Revenge," we discover that a REAL nerd could
have wiped them out completely, the first time, using four lines
of assembly language on his old Osborne.

[Editor's Note: Yes, but the Powerbook comes with network software
pre-installed, and sports a *much* nicer user interface. </vs>]

[Editor's Note 12 Aug 96: I think a far more efficient (and
rewarding) way of wiping them out would be to send BGU's listproc
managers to help them with their ships' on-board computers. </vs>]

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