Collage 288               H u m o u r N e t               14 AUG 96

::snip administrivia::

For those of you who are new to HumourNet, the Stupid-Criminal Hall
of Shame is a HumourNet original. Because of its popularity, it has
evolved into two forms: the ongoing "Hall of Shame" (stupid
criminal stunts, as reported in the media and compiled firsthand by
your moderator), and the "Subscriber-Contributed Hall of Shame."
Today's edition is the latter -- which, these days, accounts for the
largest section of the Hall. In fact, plans are currently in the
works to erect a new wing on the Hall, just to house the
subscriber-contributed material.

So, without further ado, may I present the following contribution
credits for today's Collage:

John in Australia sends us the piece, "They'll Never Find Us
*Here*";

Richard in Phoenix sends some "Considerate Criminals";

Paul in the United Kingdom contributes "Man Bites Dog!";

Jonathan in Pughkeepsie, New York, takes credit for "The Perils of
Poor Pawn-Shop Selection," "Extreme Patience," "Stupid Job
Applicants," and "Nice Criminals Finish Last";

David in Birmingham, Alabama, sends us "Slow Criminals At Work";

Nigel in Canada contributes the pieces, "Hard Time" and "Dumb and
Dumber";

and Karen in Colorado closes this one out with the "Ode to Prison
Life."

Huge thanks to the contributors to this edition of the Subscriber-
Contributed Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: They'll Never Find Us *Here*

In England, two youths were looking for somewhere private to park
their car so they could partake of some marijuana. They found a
quiet car park and proceeded to light up.

A short time later, they heard a knock on the window. They were
parked at a local police station.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Considerate Criminals

Working the front desk at a police station on a Saturday night is
one of the most harrowing and maddening jobs imaginable. An officer
can easily get behind in his duties when the phone is constantly
ringing, prisoners are going in and out of the jail, paperwork is
piling up, traumatized victims and witnesses are being herded
through the hallways, and the miscellaneous weird people are
wandering in. Bob Ferguson, an Indiana cop now retired, was working
the desk on just such a night.

"A guy comes in around two o'clock in the morning and says, 'I'm
wanted for robbery in Illinois, and I wanted to turn myself in,'"
Ferguson says.

"It just so happened that the desk I was working was located in
Indiana. It was a crazy night, and there were a lot more pressing
problems at hand than this guy. We were booking a rather violent
guy on narcotics, and I had drunk teenagers throwing up in the
lobby. Not to mention a prostitution sting that was processing
about three hookers and five johns every ten minutes." In the
confusion, the officer blurted out, 'That's all well and good, but
I'm kind of busy. Either go to Illinois or come back at six."

At six o'clock on the dot, the man came back and turned himself in.

"I told him how much I appreciated his punctuality -- and then I
politely booked him."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Man Bites Dog!

A man in Oregon was sentenced to 18 months in prison for ramming a
police car with his pickup truck, throwing a knife at officers and
biting a police dog on its nose. The dog, named Ronnie, died from a
streptococcus infection three weeks later. Police believe the bite
was to blame.

[Editor's Note: Hit the cop car: Bad. Throw a knife at the
officers: Really Bad. Hurt Ronnie: Now you're going to pay.
You DON'T hurt the pooch.... </vs>]

Arnim John Kudinow bit the Dutch Malinois after a 17-mile chase last
December, when a petrol pump attendant reported that the driver
appeared drunk. When the dog tried to bite his forearm, Kudinow
grabbed Ronnie by the neck and bit his nose, police said.

Kudinow was ordered to pay $594 in damages and undergo anger-control
counseling.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Perils of Poor Pawn-Shop Selection
(These four pieces are all excerpted from Reader's Digest)

A man attempting to pawn a stolen bracelet in West Plains, Mo., was
apprehended when the pawnshop owner recognized the jewelry. It was
his wife's.
-- Time

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: Extreme Patience

In Chicago a bank robber presented a note to a customer service
representative that said a bomb would go off unless he received
$45,000. The representative took him to see the bank's vice
president, who told the suspect that it would take a long time to
process such a large request and that he should have a seat in the
meantime. Police were called, and they arrived to find the robber
still waiting in the vice president's office. He was arrested at
once.
-- Universal Press

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: Stupid Job Applicants

A young man went to a Homosassa, Fla., hardware store looking for
work but allegedly ended up stealing two handguns and a watch.
Police say he wasn't hard to find: he left his job application on
the gun case.
-- AP

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: Nice Criminals Finish Last

In Charleston, W.Va., an accused knife-wielding mugger accepted a
$300 check when his alleged victim could produce only $12.50 in
cash. The suspect was arrested the next day trying to cash the
check.
-- Time

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Slow Criminals At Work
Excerpted from either the Birmingham News or the Post Herald (Alabama)
sometime last summer:

"Slaying Suspect Escapes on Lawnmower"

The guy shot his neighbor, then hopped on his riding mower and
puttered away. They caught him pretty quickly, of course.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Hard Time

Recently, burglars who raided an impotence clinic in Melbourne,
Australia, stole drugs that can cause five-day erections. A police
official said: "We are looking for someone who is very embarrassed
or very tired."

Nigel adds: If/when they find these guy(s), there's probably no
point in sentencing them to hard time....

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Dumb and Dumber

German criminals appear to be getting dumber, reports The New York
Times. In May, announcing the arrest of yet another pair of
bungling criminals, police investigator Dieter Hoehbusch explained:
"Anyone who is reasonably intelligent can earn a good living within
the law. Not many smart people become criminals these days."

Now, on the surface, this appears to be a good explanation, but
could it be that the police are getting stupider and can only catch
the stupid criminals -- and that there are intelligent people
becoming criminals and they just aren't getting caught?

[Editor's Note: It's probably not a really good idea, from a
job-security perspective, for Dieter to admit, "It only *looks* as
if they're getting dumber. Truth is, the smart ones are evading
us." Remember: You're only a criminal if you get caught. Thank God
for the dumb ones, or there wouldn't be any criminals at all. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Ode to Prison Life

In prison, they spend the majority of their time in a 8-by-10 cell.
At work, I spend most of my time in a 6-by-6 cube.

In prison, they get three free meals a day.
At work, I only get a break for one meal, which I have to pay for.

In prison, they get rewarded with time off for good behavior.
At work, I get rewarded with more work for good behavior.

In prison, they are provided with clothing with the ID conveniently
sewn on.
At work, I must wear an ID badge at all times.

In prison, there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
At work, there is a dress standard, but I must buy my own clothes.

In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for them.
At work, I must carry around a security card and lock and unlock
all the doors myself.

In prison, they can watch TV and play games.
At work, I get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison, they will be encouraged to learn a new career.
At work, I must do any learning on my own time.

In prison, they have an exercise room that they can use almost
anytime.
At work, I can only use the exercise room on my own time.

In prison, they can fall asleep anytime and nothing happens.
At work, if I fall asleep anytime I get fired.

In prison, they have full medical coverage with no deductibles.
At work, I get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.

In prison, all expenses are paid by the tax payer.
At work, I get to pay all the expenses to go to work so I can pay
taxes to pay for the prisoners.

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