Collage 291               H u m o u r N e t               31 AUG 96

Soon after I announced that I'd shortly be doing another "animal
humor" Collage, General Media wrote to me (coincidentally, I believe)
to say that HumourNet was going to be their "Puppy's Pick" Web page
on 11 August -- and we were:

<http://heymon.com/aug.html>

However, I get the feeling from browsing around General Media's site
that they aren't going to like this opener very much. This one is
something of a follow-on to Collage 273, which opened with the
following question:

>What is it with women and cats? Why can't they like dogs -- like
>*normal* people? (For the profoundly humor impaired: I'm not actually
>asking a question here; please do not provide an explanation. Thank
>you.)

Christine in Texas wrote back to me to share her preference for the
canine side. Or, so she thought:

"... and I agree with [the opener in Collage 273] wholeheartedly.
I have never been much of a fan of cats, but I so dearly LOVE my
two Yorkshire Terr--"

Hold it right there, Christine. Let's get one thing straight right
now: No animal with the word "terrier" in its name is a member of the
canine family. That exclusion also includes several other purportedly-
canine varieties, including the infamous "poodle."

Simply put, no animal that can sit comfortably on its owner's lap
could possibly be considered a "dog." As a general rule of thumb, any
canine-like animal weighing in at less than, say, 65 pounds (about
30Kg) is not a part of the canine family; they're actually just
felines in disguise. The only trait separating them from the rest of
the feline family is a rather annoying desire to "yap" incessantly.
However, despite some minor visual similarities to "true" dogs, these
creatures are *not* to be confused with canines! They actually belong
to the genus _Secretus Felidae_ -- that is,

                        "Stealth Kats"

It's true. These are not dogs at all, but are, instead, cleverly-
disguised felines. Think about it: They like laps. They're high strung.
They're picky about what they eat. They passionately dislike large
dogs. And they're virtually worthless for guarding the house.

For all intents and purposes, they're cats. "Stealth Kats."

It has long been recognized that most members of the genus Stealth Kats
aren't even from this planet, much less associated with the canine
family. It is for this precise reason that the extra-terrestrials, who
initially placed them here as a bad practical joke, coined the term
"terrier." This word -- intended to confuse us into believing that
these animals originated on Earth -- is derived from the Latin word
"terra," meaning "to cause great annoyance to Earthlings." Or something
like that.

Anyway, the very presence of terriers is inarguable proof of extra-
terrestrial intelligence -- "intelligence," that is, because they were
smart enough to dump the irritating little creatures *here* rather than
continue putting up with them on Xorthax.

But terriers are just one form of Stealth Kat. My *favorite* Stealth
Kat is the poodle ...

This is one insidious animal. Unlike its terrier cousins, the poodle
was *not* left here by aliens; no, it is, instead, the handiwork of the
Angel of Darkness, himself. Its sole purpose is to drive otherwise-sane
people commit unspeakably heinous acts: pedicures, clips, dips, styles,
trims (electric), trims (hand scissors), hot oil treatments, "fluff"
dries, and -- the most frightening of all -- Stealth Kat clothing and
Stealth Kat psychologists.

It's a sordid scene.

Let's take a closer look at this creature. First, there's the name:
"poodle," pronounced "POOH-dul." Notice the root, "pooh." American
Heritage tells us that "pooh" is an interjection used to express
disdain. Very appropriate. Further, there's the etymology for the
word "poodle": German "Pudel," short for "Pudelhund"; derived from
Lower German "pudeln" (to splash) and "hund" (dog). So "poodle" is
actually a combination of "to splash" and "dog." Obviously, the idea
here is to splash the dog -- for example, dropping it from a great
height will most certainly result in a poodle splash. Another option
is to toss the pooch from the window of a fast-moving car. Other
methods abound; I encourage you to do your own research and document
the results of your experiments so that others may benefit from your
experience.

But we need to return to a more realistic perspective. Though it's
nice to think about, the reality is that it's simply not rational to
go turning poodles (or other Stealth Kats) into road pizza at will.
Contrary to popular belief, however, these creatures can actually be
modified to serve useful purposes (other than providing confirmation
of Newtonian physics, that is).

For example, *bronzed* Stealth Kats make excellent doorstops. Or, if
you apply a ceramic finish instead, the offensive little creature will
make a fine lawn ornament. Then, simply stuff a hose up the proper
receptacle and -- voila! -- *instant lawn fountain*! How chic.

Stealth Kats are also useful for medical experiments, cosmetics
testing, plugging leaks in water mains, and the ever-popular flagpole
ornament. Some jurisdictions are even considering attaching them to
highway guardrails, thereby providing extra cushioning to reduce
damage to the guardrails in the event of an accident. Additionally,
their incessant yapping will help keep drivers awake at night.

Uses abound. The real key is that these creatures are not to be
confused with actual, real-life DOGS; the differences far outweigh
any minor similarities in appearance. And the first two pieces in
Collage 291 really underscore those differences for us:

John in Westford, Massachusetts, brings us the "Top 15 Reasons Dogs
Don't Use Computers";

Dave in Cranbury, New Jersey, contributes the original piece, "Top Ten
Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password";

Neil in Acton, Massachusetts, puts the canine on top with "Equal
Opportunity";

Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado, provides a NASA perspective
on the Equal Opportunity theme, with "Take Our Pets to Work Day"
(Randy used to work at NASA, BTW; he's now pursuing "This is True"
full time; see <http://www.freecom.com/TrueHome>);

Tom in Florida (I believe) sends us the amusing piece entitled,
"Jesus Doesn't Love Everyone";

Dr. Mike in Baltimore, Maryland, provides an example of "Rising
Medical Costs";

Lenore in Virginia is proud that she was the first to contribute the
"Hazardous Duty" piece;

and Randy in Kingsville, Texas, closes out Collage 291 with the
awfully-cute piece, "Recessive Genetics."

It's another Animal Humor Collage.  Many thanks, as always, to our
contributors.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Top 15 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers
From the "Top Five" list: <http://www.topfive.com/>

15. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

14. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

13. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

12. Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit.

11. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got
Mail."

10. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

9. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing
www.pethouse.com instead of working.

8. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.

7. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

6. Still trying to come up with an emoticon that signifies tail
wagging.

5. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.

4. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, *cats*, on the other hand...

3. SIT and STAY were hard enough; GREP and AWK are out of the
question!

2. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.

1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.
   (Too Damn Hard To Type with paws!)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password
By Dave Fore

10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgoups like
alt.recreational.catnip.

7. Your web browser has a new home page: <http://www.feline.com/>.

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release
of "CyberDog."

4 Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax
and WarCat II.

2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Equal Opportunity

One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: "Help
wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer." A dog ambling
down the street saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.

The office manager said, "I can't hire a dog for this job." The dog
pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."

So the manager said, "Okay, take this letter and type it." The dog
went off to the typewriter and returned a minute later with the
finished letter, perfectly typed.

The manager said: "Here's a problem. Write a computer program for
it and run it." Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the
correct answer.

The manager still wasn't convinced. "I can't hire a dog for this
position," he said. "You've got to be bilingual."

The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Take Our Pets to Work Day

Director's Advisory Council for Pets
Director's Advisory Committee on Non-Human Affairs
JPL Chapter of the ASPCA
and
Animal Resources

present:

TAKE OUR PETS TO WORK DAY
Thursday, April 25, 1996

This year JPL will once again sponsor "Take Our Pets to Work" in
recognition of the nationwide "Take Our Cats to Work" day.

First held in 1994, this program originally invited owners to bring
their cats into the workplace to "shadow" them as they work. This
event is a great opportunity for your pet to find an answer to the
question, "What does my human do all day?" Your pet will also have a
chance to see a close-up view of a variety of stimulating career
opportunities that can be found at JPL in science and engineering.

The majority of this day will be focused on your pet spending time
with you at your work location, probably walking on your keyboard.
In addition, a number of Laboratory sites, exhibits, and "mini
talks" about current missions will be available for you to visit
with your pet. Dog biscuits, catnip, and litter boxes will be
available at the Mall.

Attendance for this event is limited. Therefore, the following
participation criteria will apply:

* JPL employees only
* One dog, two cats, two birds, three lizards, four ferrets, or
an unlimited number of gerbils per employee, age 9-15 (dog years)
* Approval must be obtained from your cognizant veterinarian.

While we are not discouraging owners from bringing their pet birds,
it should be recognized that a large number of cats will be
participating in this program, and the safety of birds cannot be
assured. JPL takes no responsibility for "missing" birds.

If you would like to participate, please fill out the form enclosed
on the back of the flyer which you will receive this week and return
it no later than FRIDAY, APRIL 12, 1996, to Animal Services,
mail-stop 224-218. We strongly encourage early registration for
this event.

We look forward to your participation on April 25th!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Jesus Doesn't Love Everyone

A burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the
floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for
valuables. He again heard, "Jesus is watching you."

This time, he shone his light all over, and it rested on a parrot.
He asked, "Did you say that?"

The parrot admitted that he had. "I'm just trying to warn you, is
all."

The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?"

"Moses."

"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

The bird answered, "I don't know; I guess the same folks who would
name a Rottweiler 'Jesus.'"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Rising Medical Costs

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She
called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief
examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family
pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"

The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we
can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a
large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the
cat walked over to the dog.

The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the
cage.

"Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the
woman sighed, "How much do I own you?"

"That will be $330." the vet replied.

"I don't believe it!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that
cost $330?!?"

"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for
the cat scan."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Hazardous Duty

Joe traveled to Spain and wandered into a Madrid restaurant one
night for a late dinner.

He ordered the house specialty and was brought a plate with
potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" Joe
asked.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replied.

"But, what are cojones?" Joe asked.

"Cojones," the waiter explained, "are the testicles of the bull who
lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first Joe was disgusted; but being the adventurous type, he
decided to try this local delicacy. To Joe's amazement, it was
quite delicious. In fact, it was so good, Joe decided to return the
next night and order it again.

This time, the waiter brought out the plate, but the meaty objects
were much smaller.

"What's this?" Joe asked the waiter.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replied.

"No, no," Joe objected, "I had cojones yesterday and they were much
bigger than these."

"Senor," the waiter explained, "the bull does not always lose."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Recessive Genetics

One day a very young polar bear was sitting on an ice drift,
watching his father trying to catch fish, when he asked, "Dad, am I
a full-blooded polar bear?"

His father replied, "Sure son, you're full blooded."

The young bear asked, "Are you positive that I'm 100% polar bear,
Dad?"

"Yes, son, I'm sure. Your mother's a polar bear, I'm a polar
bear..."

"But Dad, are you sure there's not a little brown bear in me?"

"Yes son, I'm sure."

"Are you really sure, Dad, that there's not just a little black bear
in me?"

"Yes, son, you're all polar bear."

"Maybe just a little grizzly bear in me, Dad?"

"No way, son, no way," replied the papa bear. "Why are you asking
these questions?"

The little polar bear replied, "Because, Dad, I'm freezing my *butt*
off out here!"

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