Collage 293               H u m o u r N e t                8 SEP 96

Following a recent telephone conversation with Rosemary Carroll of
The Seeing Eye in New Jersey, I'm happy to announce that HumourNet
is now an official sponsor for TSE. You should see Collage 290 for
details (our newer members can simply refer to their Welcome messages),
but the basic idea is this: The time I put in here on HumourNet is
volunteer time -- listproc crashes and all. So, if you appreciate the
work that goes into this operation (shoddy as it is :-), please
consider sending a donation in the name of "HumourNet Communications,
Ltd." to the Seeing Eye of Morristown, New Jersey:

              The Seeing Eye, Inc.
              Washington Valley Road
              Morristown NJ USA 07960

              Phone: 201-539-4425
              POC: Rosemary Carroll

Though Ms. Carroll didn't mention this part, I think it's important
to note that TSE is *not* associated with HumourNet -- and, more
importantly, does not endorse any of the material presented or
opinions expressed by me, my assigns, heirs, relatives, friends,
enemies (all of them), pets, breakfast cereal, or furniture. Or my
attorney, for that matter -- who probably just passed out at his PC.

::snip "Stupidity Contest" update::

Speaking of the IP crowd, Collage 293 is dedicated to those men and
women who selflessly devote themselves and their time to performing
acts of such sheer, unfathomable stupidity as to warrant international
recognition. And bringing their accounts to us are the following
HumourNet contributors:

Mark in Indianapolis, Indiana, submits the "Justification of Roe vs.
Wade" piece;

[Editor's Note: I should mention, BTW, that *I* typically create the
subject lines for the pieces in each Collage; thus, we can all note
that Mark is innocent of the political statement in the subject line
shown above. :-) </vs>]

Tunc in Istanbul, Turkey, brings us some international stupidity
with "Guilty By Association";

Chris in Honolulu, Hawaii, brings us a few excerpts from "The Darwin
Awards": "Shot Off," "Darwin Roulette," and "Burning Desire to Tan";

David Gates in Detroit, Michigan, contributes the piece entitled,
"Years From Now, They'll Claim They Didn't Inhale ...";

Elisa in Maryland brings us a "Stupidity Update";

and Bob in Tempe, Arizona, takes credit for "Dumb and Dumber."

Inspired in part by Collage 290, it's the latest from the
intellectual-proletariat Olympics -- the [first ever?] "Stupid
People" Collage. (Not to be confused with the regular "Stupid
Criminal Hall of Shame" series.) Many thanks to our contributors.

Enjoy! (And be glad it's not you ...)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Justification of Roe vs. Wade
Excerpted from _Newsweek_, June 24, 1996

With 2400 inquiries a day, Gerber's toll-free baby help line gets
more than just run-of-the-mill questions from nervous first-time
moms. Some of the stranger queries operators have fielded at
1-800-4Gerber:

    * Just how much of this stuff can my baby eat?

    * I've been using a can opener to open the baby food. Can I just
      screw off the tops?

    * My baby ate the coupon. Can I still redeem it?

    * How do you put together a crib? We just bought one at a garage
      sale.

    * What side do you part a baby's hair on?

    * Do I send in the whole bottle or just the label with the UPCs?

    * How many years apart should you space your children?

[Editor's Note: Mark adds, "Kinda frightening that these people are
reproducing...." Tell me about it. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Guilty By Association

[Editor's Note: Tunc sets the scene for this one: "Ramazan is a
religious ninth month of the Arabic calendar during which Muslims
fast between dawn and sunset, waiting for a signal -- traditionally
a single cannon shot -- for them to resume eating." This is a true
story from the most recent Ramazan. </vs>]

During Ramazan, the gunner at Rize (a town at the Black Sea Coast)
had fired the cannon five minutes early by accident -- hence all of
Rize broke their fast early. This, of course, had to be penalized.
After several days of discussion, the Department of Religious
Affairs declared that all Rizeans should pay the penalty by two more
days of fasting after Ramazan.

Next day, a guy -- originally from Rize, now living in Germany --
called the Department of Religious Affairs and asked if the penalty
was also applicable to him.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Darwin Awards

These are nearly always granted posthumously. This citation is
bestowed upon (the remains of) that individual, who through
single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove
undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

[Editor's Note: I have removed from Chris's submission those
stories that have already run here on HumourNet, including the
entertaining-yet-clearly-urban-legend story about the guy in
Arizona with the Chevy Impala and the JATO unit. (Collage 80)
</vs>]

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: Shot Off

[San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a
club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot
himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: Darwin Roulette

[Hickory Daily Record, 12-21-92] Ken Charles Barger, 47,
accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, North
Carolina, when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside
his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith &
Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

[Editor's Note: Guns don't kill people; *idiots* kill people. ;-)
</vs>]

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: Burning Desire to Tan

[Times of London] A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred
for life when he tried to get a suntan.

After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury,
Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctors' paging devices, the thief
spotted a vertical sunbed. He walked into the unit and removed his
clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine
at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burn
victims, has a maximum dosage of ten seconds. After lying on the
bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time the man was
covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns became
unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away,
in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a
doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the police.

Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided
he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred
for life."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Years From Now, They'll Claim They Didn't Inhale ...

Last month there was a feature on the local news where two kids were
in a car inhaling butane. Well, one of the guys decided that he
needed a cigarette ...

[Editor's Note: You can probably see what's coming ... </vs>]

... the fumes caught fire, melting their clothes to their skin.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Stupidity Update

Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz gave himself five-inch-long welts
in March when he tried to iron his polo shirt while wearing it.
"I've ironed that way five or six times," he said, "and never had it
happen."

[Editor's Note: This was probably the first time he that remembered
to plug the iron in. </vs>]

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

"Dave" of Anniston, Alabama, was injured recently after he attempted
to replace a tube-like fuse in his Chevy pickup with a 22-caliber
rifle bullet (used because it was a perfect fit). However, when
electricity heated the bullet, it went off and shot him in the knee.

[Editor's Note: Typically, I'd mark an anecdote like that as being
of questionable veracity. But I know some people who live in the
Anniston area and ... well, let's just say that this one probably
happened. ;-) </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Dumb and Dumber

A few years ago, an alternative newspaper in Phoenix, Arizona ran a
story several pages long with pictures and everything about a
concert featuring the reunited Beatles (with Julian standing in for
John). The concert was to be on the shore of a lake, with the
audience floating on the lake in truck inner tubes. It was a joke,
but hundreds of people called to buy tickets and many were outraged
when they learned that they had been duped.

[Editor's Note: Dumb newspaper! Should have sold them the tickets,
and then told them that Julian couldn't make it. :-) </vs>]

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