Collage 294               H u m o u r N e t               14 SEP 96

For those of you who have had trouble accessing the listproc this
week: The sendmail front end has been intermittently unavailable,
which puts the listproc effectively dead in the water (though still
functioning fine). Note that plans for moving HumourNet to a more
competently-managed listproc are currently falling into place.

Of course, compared to BGU, just about *any* listproc installation
has to be more competently managed. And while the problems at BGU
are tiring to me, I realize that they are also tiring to you. Scott
in Hudsonville, Michigan, has hit upon what appears to be the only
sure-fire way to improve the BGU operation:

     "I'll just call down fire and brimstone on the dweebs.
     Let me know when you're safely out of range. They'll be
     nothin' but pocket protectors smoldering among piles of
     ashes...."

No problem, Scott: I'm in D.C., they're in Illinois. That's "safely
out of range" in *my* book, so ...

                        FIRE FOR EFFECT!
<g>

On the lighter side, Richard writes to me to tell me that the
Colossal Humor Page has been awarded the "Weekend Browser Award" by
the readers of "SFBUZZ ... a general-interest magazine published in
San Francisco, California...."

<http://www.soos.com/sfbuzz/award.html>

A big thanks to SFBUZZ and its readers for the award ... so, uh,
when do I get my check?

Speaking of the Colossal Humor Page, note that there are two new
files available on both the Web page and the HumourNet Archives:

programmer_evolution.txt
redneck_etiquette.txt

"Programmer Evolution" will appeal to a limited audience. "Redneck
Etiquette," however, is a must-read; though it's a *little* on the
long side, I might have to run it in a Collage at some point.

[Insert slick segue here]

And speaking of long pieces that nevertheless *must* be run in a
Collage, CB in Arkansas brings us two soon-to-be-unforgettable
pieces for Collage 294:

"Tourists at U.S. National Parks: The Adventure," and
"Tourists at U.S. National Parks: The Adventure Continues."

Some of these people are candidates for the Stupid People Hall of
Shame (should I ever decide to create one).

(Note, BTW, that the second piece is an augmented re-run of "Tourist
Questions" from Collage 86; it simply worked well with the first
piece.)

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Tourists at U.S. National Parks: The Adventure ...
Compiled by writer Debra Shore, a frequent contributor to "Outside"
magazine.

* Fun with wildlife ...

A visitor to Glacier National Park in Montana lost his car keys
while attempting to lure a ground squirrel by dangling the keys out
in front of the critter. The squirrel grabbed the keys and ran down
a hole with them.

The keys were never retrieved, a ranger cited the man for harassment
of wildlife, and a locksmith was called to make new car keys.

* Putting our loved ones at risk for a photo ...

In May of 1994, Tony Moore, 43, of Marietta, Georgia, was gored and
seriously injured by a large male bison in Yellowstone, next to the
Lake Hotel. Moore and a friend had approached to within 15 feet of
the bison to have their pictures taken. While they were standing
with their backs to the animal, it charged. Moore's companion
escaped, but Moore received a severe puncture wound in his right
thigh and was taken by ambulance to a hospital in Jackson for
treatment.

* Watching for falling rocks ...

A visitor setting up camp at Lake Eleanor in Yosemite National Park
hit herself on the head with a rock while trying to string up her
food to protect it from bears.

* Requesting assistance ...

In 1994, a woman visiting from the Bay Area embarked on a solo hike
to the summit of El Capitan in Yosemite. When she became lost and
saw a storm brewing, she called 911 from her cellular phone and
asked to be rescued. A helicopter found her barely off the trail
and one-fourth to half a mile from the top of El Cap.

When the helicopter lifted off and the woman saw how close she was
to her summit goal, she asked the crew to set her down on top. When
the crew declined, she threatened to sue them for kidnapping.

* Caring for the creatures ...

A woman, appearing rather distraught, came into the visitor center
at Redwood National Park in California to report that she had seen
several Irish setters lying along the edge of the highway and she
feared they were dead or injured. Rangers explained to her that
these were pieces of redwood bark that had fallen off logging
trucks.

* Asking for directions ...

Darryl Stone, now superintendent at Jefferson National Expansion
Memorial in St. Louis, remembered working the entrance station at
Yosemite when a woman drove up and asked, "Which way are the
geysers?" Ranger Stone directed her to continue 1,000 miles further
to Yellowstone and told her there were no geysers at Yosemite.
"Yes, there are," she said, "I have a friend who saw them." Stone
and the woman went round and round several times before she left,
insisting that there were geysers at Yosemite. Later she wrote a
letter to the chief ranger complaining that Stone had refused to
provide her with the information she wanted.

* Back-seat driving, as always ...

When an elderly couple stopped to film some bears at Dunraven Pass
in Yellowstone, a young bear crawled into their car searching for
food. Unable to make the bear leave, the exasperated (but
well-dressed) couple drove about 17 miles to the ranger station at
Canyon Village with the bear in the back seat. When the husband got
out to report the incident, the bear hopped over into the front seat
so that investigating rangers found the woman in the passenger seat
and the bear behind the wheel.

* All tuckered out from our day hikes ...

In 1993 a woman called 911 from the top of Half Dome using her
cellular phone. According to dispatch, she reported: "Well, I'm at
the top and I'm really tired."

The answering ranger asked if she felt sick.

"No," she said, "I'm just really tired and I want my friends to
drive to the base and pick me up."

The dispatcher explained that she would have to hike down the trail
she had ascended. The visitor replied, "But you don't understand,
I'm really tired."

What happened next? "It turned out we got really lucky," the ranger
said, "her phone battery died."

* Taking mementos home with us ...

Each year visitors to Petrified Forest National Park in Arizona
pocket an estimated 12 tons of petrified wood to take home (despite
numerous warnings not to take wood and the fact that this criminal
violation carries a minimum fine of $275). Some years back, several
female foreign visitors, clad only in bikinis, were observed hiding
wood in their garments.

Another time, rangers received a report that a man had put a large
piece of wood in his car. Upon searching his vehicle, they found a
40-pound piece of petrified wood in his trunk. According to
rangers, this visitor said he didn't know how it got there. "My son
must have put it in there," the man said.

His son was four years old.

* Ever alert to terrorism ...

A group of European visitors came into the Wawona ranger station in
Yosemite National Park and said, "Our car is parked at the trail
head and it's been blown up by terrorists." Though rangers expressed
some doubt, the visitors insisted that a bomb had exploded in their
car and that they could see powder residue from the explosives.
Investigating rangers indeed found that a door had been torn off and
a powder-like substance -- pancake flour -- was strewn about the
car.

"They were quite embarrassed when we showed them the bear prints,"
the ranger said.

* Ignoring the sage advice of rangers ...

A camper at Long Pine Key in Everglades National Park decided to
take a dip in the lake with her dog despite signs saying "No
swimming -- Danger -- Alligators." She swam to an island about 75
yards from the shore, then saw some alligators and refused to swim
back.

"Didn't you see the signs?" asked the ranger who retrieved her in a
canoe.

"Sure," she said, "but I didn't think they applied to me."

[Editor's Note: If I ever decide to create a Stupid People Hall of
Shame, you can bet that this chick's picture will be in the lobby.
</vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Tourists at U.S. National Parks: The Adventure Continues ...
Excerpted in large part from Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121

These are supposedly actual questions asked by tourists at various
U.S. national parks ...

Zion National Park: What is your best parking area?

Mount Rainier National Park: Where's the road to the summit?

Indiana Dunes National Lakeshore: Don't you think the polluted sky
makes a much prettier sunset? (Obviously someone who voted for Newt)

Grand Canyon National Park:
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?
Is the mule train air-conditioned?
So where are the faces of the presidents?
Why did the Indians only build ruins?

Everglades National Park:
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Mesa Verde National Park:
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many ping-pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park:
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
What happened to the other half of Half Dome?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Denali National Park:
What time do you feed the bears?
What time do they let the animals out in the park?
What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
Can you show me where yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Yellowstone National Park:
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

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