Collage 295               H u m o u r N e t               19 SEP 96

In Collage 293, there appeared a piece that referenced the Moslem
holiday of "Ramazan." The piece was submitted by Tunc in Istanbul,
Turkey. Having several Moslem friends, I know that the typical
*English* spelling of the holiday is "Ramadan"; however, I do not
Anglicize foreign spellings, so I assumed that "Ramazan" was a
regional spelling, and left it intact.

Well, a few of you decided to "correct" the spelling, so I figured
I'd check with Tunc; here is what he had to say on the matter:

TA: You can spell either Ramadan or Ramazan, though Ramadan is the
TA: common form in English speaking community. In Turkish, it is
TA: Ramazan and the most comprehensive English-Turkish (incl.
TA: Ottoman) dictionary around (Redhouse, 22nd Edition, April 1994,
TA: ISBN 975-413-021-3 -- "A lexicon, English and Turkish") suggests
TA: "Ramazan." It is not a *mis*spelling but may be considered as a
TA: *co*spelling.

Thus, I will have to defer to Tunc's expertise (and spelling) on
this issue. Moreover, I do not wish to bring the Wrath Of Allah upon
me. :-) Plus, Tunc has been a subscriber for nearly a year and a half
now, and he hasn't steered me wrong yet ...

However, I *am* a stickler for proper grammar, and often do my best
to un-ingratiate myself with the grammar impaired -- all in the name
of promoting literacy, of course. <g> (Note, BTW, that all criticisms
are specifically limited to those who should know better -- that is,
those people for whom English is a "first" language.)

I'll come back to that shortly, by way of the following useful
information ...

Riaan in Pretoria, South Africa, sent me the following instructions
for fingering my "list status" account via e-mail:

    Send an e-mail to: finger@infomania.com
    make the subject:  humour@humournet.com

(This will return the current status of the HumourNet mailing list.)
Naturally, I had to try it, myself, before I could publish it here.
I'm happy to report that it works quite nicely -- however, the
response from the server ends with the following line:

"This mail server was hired for it's abilities and not it's opinions."

The literate among you are cringing right now; those less endowed
are saying, "Huh? What's the problem?"

The problem, as I pointed out to Jason, the infobot manager, is the
use of the contraction "it's" -- meaning "it is" -- where the
possessive form, "its," is intended. Actually, what I did was copy
the errant construction (above), followed by my comment:

              "... nor its spelling abilities."

Well, let's just say that Jason didn't really appreciate either the
effort or the humor. ;-) But you can only lead the horsie to the
water, I guess.

<sigh>

Have you ever tried explaining to employees in a fast-food restaurant
that one of their signs has a spelling error in it? You'd have better
luck explaining quantum mechanics to a dance major.

Sure, it's only English -- not something genuinely *worth*
preserving, like French. Nonetheless, some people just seem bent
upon destroying the language. Worse yet, some of this destruction is
virtually *institutionalized* in various American dialects. And an
entertaining [new?] site attempts to document this debacle via some
rather amusing examples:

"Slanguage"
<http://www.slanguage.com/>

I dropped by the site and entered my geographical alma mater, New
Jersey (aka "Jurzey" -- *not* "Joisey," which is a distinctively
Brooklyn pronunciation), and the series of mispronunciations and
miscellaneous "slanguages" nearly brought a tear to my eye.

Of course, the fact that New Jersey and Rhode Island are listed as
"cities" nearly brought a tear to my eye, as well -- but the site is
entertaining, nonetheless.

Of course, the perpetual destruction of the English language is
something of an ongoing disaster that the Brits have had to witness
for several years now; hence, they prefer to eliminate confusion
(along with any claim to the bastardized version) by referring to
BritSpeak as "English," and U.S.Speak as "American." And, in that
vein, I have placed in the HumourNet Archives one of the most
complete -- and entertaining -- contrasts of the two languages that
I have ever seen compiled in one place:

"English vs. American"
<ftp://ftp.humournet.com//pub/HumourNet/english.txt>

(This piece is also available from the Colossal Humor Page, at the
bottom of the "More Humor" section.)

Finally, while we're on the subject of languages, I have a rather
important announcement to make: Valentin, one of my subscribers in
Italy, will be translating Collages into Italian as time permits in
his schedule. In order to announce this fact to my Italian
subscribership, I asked Valentin to translate the phrase, "A special
announcement for all Italians on the list!" into Italian for me:

"Un annuncio speciale per tutti gli italiani sulla lista! Vengo
in Italia la prossima settimana a trovarvi! Vi comunicher•
prossimamente data e ora del volo, cosŤ mi venite a prendere
direttamente all'aeroporto!"

You see, Valentin doesn't realize that I know what that statement
*really* says. Truth of the matter is, I already *have* a ride from
the airport. ;-) (Note, BTW, that I had to modify Valentin's
translation to fit the standard ASCII character set (per RFC 822) to
preclude MIME encoding this mail message; the versions on the Web
page and FTP archives, as well as the posted versions of Valentin's
translations, will appear in their proper form.)

So, in all seriousness:

"Un annuncio speciale per tutti gli italiani sulla lista!"

The translated Collages (henceforth known as "Raccoltas") can be
retrieved from the following directory (currently, only Raccolta 293
is in there):

<ftp://ftp.humournet.com//pub/HumourNet/Non-English/Italia/>

Though the "Italia" directory's name might change, the Raccolta
nomenclature should remain constant: raccNNN.txt, where NNN is the
Collage number.

I'd like to extend a *very* big "Thank you!" to Valentin for the
translation services; he is providing these services *gratis* -- and
has only been a subscriber for a couple of months now!

I guess he really can't stand the English -- er, *American* --
versions. ;-) And, with a Collage like this, I can understand why;
thus, I'd like to announce the first Collage that *won't* translate
into Italian. Yes, it's another "English Language Humour" Collage,
with thanks duly noted as follows:

Shawn King, the Bawdy.Net moderator, takes credit for "Ships in the
Night." (Note that Shawn routinely pokes fun at my anal retentiveness
about spelling and grammar, and sent this one with a note to the
effect of "Here's one that only *you* could appreciate." We'll see.)

Daniel in Maryland contributes the "Quasi-Canonical List of
Oxymorons" (with assists from Mark, Philip, Colin, and Gerry, who've
all helped augment the list followingt distribution of the original
Collage);

Steve Willoughby, moderator for the Oracle Service Humor List, sends
"Decimating the Language" (a little more graphic than the usual fare,
but amusing nonetheless);

Melvin in Berlin, Germany, contributes "More Newspaper Headlines"
(I've done my best to eliminate the duplicates; see also Collages 109
and 280);

Gary in Virginia accepts the kudos for "Tracing it Back";

and Neil in Acton, Massachusetts, adds to the "Bad Metaphor" piece
in Collage 258, with "More Analogies From 'The Style Invitational.'"

Many thanks to all our contributors -- and also to Valentin, Tunc,
and Riaan for their invaluable assistance and contributions.

And since I've mentioned Anglicizing Collages, note that I *do*
Anglicize certain differences in language and usage -- primarily to
provide consistency in the mechanics of the presentation. Accepted
regional spellings, however, are not changed -- colour, centre,
theatre, etc.

This is, after all, *Humour*Net. ;-)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Ships in the Night
By Lawrence Bush

I had only just arrived at the club when I bumped into Roger. After
we had exchanged a few pleasantries, he lowered his voice and asked,
"What do you think of Martha and I as a potential twosome?"

"That," I replied, "would be a mistake. Martha and me is more like
it."

"You're interested in Martha?"

"I'm interested in clear communication."

"Fair enough," he agreed. "May the best man win." Then he sighed.
"Here I thought we had a clear path to becoming a very unique
couple."

"You couldn't be a very unique couple, Roger."

"Oh? And why is that?"

"Martha couldn't be a little pregnant, could she?"

"Say what? You think that Martha and me...."

"Martha and I."

"Oh." Roger blushed and set down his drink. "Gee, I didn't know."

"Of course you didn't," I assured him. "Most people don't."

"I feel very badly about this."

"You shouldn't say that: I feel bad...."

"Please, don't," Roger said. "If anyone's at fault here, it's me!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Quasi-Canonical List of Oxymorons

Accurate statistics
Act naturally
Advanced BASIC
Airline food
Almost exactly
Alone together
American culture
AOL Customer Service
British cuisine
British fashion
Business ethics
Butt head
California champagne
California culture
Childproof
Christian Scientists
Clearly misunderstood
Computer jock
Computer security
Country music
Definite maybe
Diet ice cream
European unity
Exact estimate
Found missing
Functional software
Genuine imitation
Good grief
Government organization
Legally drunk
Light opera
Live recording
Living dead
Microsoft Works
Military intelligence
Movie theatre
New classic
"Now, then ..."
Passive aggression
Peace force
Plastic glasses
Political science
Pretty ugly
Rap music
Religious tolerance
Resident alien
Results may be unpredictable
Safe sex
Same difference
Sanitary landfill
Silent scream
Small crowd
Soft rock
Software documentation
Sweet sorrow
Synthetic natural gas
Taped live
Temporary tax increase
Terribly pleased
"This page intentionally left blank"
Tight slacks
Unexpected error
Working vacation

Jerry in Vicksburg, Missouri, adds these:

FORTRAN program
Jumbo shrimp
President Clinton
Real-time Unix

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Decimating the Language

Leroy is an 18-year-old fourth grader who is becoming increasingly
disillusioned with the public school system.

One day, Leroy got an easy homework assignment. All he had to do
was put each of the following vocabulary words in a sentence.
Here's what he wrote.

[Editor's Note: Leroy attends the "Barnyard Rundown Elementary
School" in Newark, New Jersey -- so he's not exactly starting off
in the pole position, if you get my drift. </vs>]

1. HOTEL: I give my girlfriend da crabs and da HOTEL everybody.

2. RECTUM: I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both.

3. DISAPPOINTMENT: My parole officer tol me if I miss
DISAPPOINTMENT they gonna send me back to da big house.

4. FORECLOSE: If I pay alimony this month, I have no money
FORCLOSE.

5. CATACOMB: Don King was at the fight the other night, man,
somebody give that CATACOMB.

6. ISRAEL: Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said Man, that looks
fake. He said, No, ISRAEL.

7. UNDERMINE: There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the apartment
UNDERMINE.

8. STAIN: My mother-in-law axed if I was STAIN for dinner again.

9. SELDOM: My cousin give me two tickets to the Knicks game, so I
SELDOM.

10. HORDE: My sister get into trouble because she HORDE around in
school.

11. FORTIFY: I axed da hoe how much? And she say FORTIFY.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Newspaper Headlines

* Grandmother of eight makes hole in one

* Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing

* House passes gas tax onto senate

* Two convicts evade noose, jury hung

* William Kelly was fed secretary

* Milk drinkers are turning to powder

* Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted

* Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

* Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency

* Child's death ruins couple's holiday

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Tracing it Back

From the front page of the Potomac News, Woodbridge, Virginia,
6 July 1996:

"First person in U.S. has rare strain of HIV"

[Editor's Note: Omigosh -- it all started with ... COLUMBUS! </vs>]

[Editor's Note II: You've really got to hate it when notes like
*this* become necessary: Yes, I *know* that Columbus wasn't the
first person in the U.S.; TIA to everyone who was poised to explain
that fact to me. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Analogies From "The Style Invitational"

She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain,
and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the
recipe, and on top of that you can't sing worth a damn. (Joseph
Romm, Washington, D.C.)

His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had
grabbed the pope, turned him upside down and started writing with
the tip of his big pointy hat. (Jeffrey Carl, Richmond, VA)

She was sending me more mixed signals than a dyslexic third-base
coach. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase, MD)

Having O.J. try on the bloody glove was a stroke of genius unseen
since the debut of Goober on "Mayberry R.F.D." (John Kammer,
Herndon, VA)

Upon completing kindergarten, Lance felt the same sense of
accomplishment the Unabomber feels every time he successfully blows
up another college professor. (Anonymous)

After sending in my entries for the Style Invitational, I feel
relieved and apprehensive, like a little boy who has just wet his
bed. (Wayne Goode, Madison, AL)

You made my day, even a day as gray as white cotton sheets washed
for decades in cold water without bleach like no self-respecting
woman who came of age in the 1940s would allow in her house, much
less on one of her beds, but up with which she must put whenever she
visits one of her own daughters, just as if they had never been
brought up right. (DEV, Madison, WI)

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