Collage 296               H u m o u r N e t               23 SEP 96

I need to mention, for the sake of one subscriber in particular, that
I do not write the pieces that appear in the bodies of the Collages.
I *do* reserve the right to edit them -- when I have time to do so --
but simply cannot provide complete edits on everything that goes out
in every Collage. Though I'll get to her messages in greater detail
in an upcoming opener, I would like to use a snippet from one of them
as a segue into today's topic. Please note that our heroine is an
Aussie -- though, thankfully, *not* representative of the average
Australian. (I've found them to be a great crowd overall -- I don't
think I've previously had a problem with *any* of them. Must be all
the beer. ;-) Anyway, HumourNet members, meet Jackie, my Australian
pedant:

>Your country's most unfortunate and pervasive 'culture' ... has been
>the main reason for the demise of the English ... language over the
>last 100 or so years. I've never known any American to be remotely
>fussy about their language skills....

(Apparently, Prozac hasn't been approved for use in Australia yet.)

So let's talk gender. Our politically-correct culture has somehow
decided that the singular indefinite pronoun should be "they" instead
of "he" -- so, we now have 'politically correct' constructions like
"Everyone should pick up *their* books," instead of the 'strictly
correct' construction, "Everyone should pick up *his* books." (Please
don't bother writing to me to discuss acceptable alternatives, like
"s/he," etc.; this is an opener, not an English course.)

Okay, we don't want to offend any of the more sensitive types out
there by using an apparently gender-specific pronoun in an indefinite
case; after all, someone might feel that he is (they are?) being left
out -- and we can't have that, now, can we? (Psychiatric treatment
*is* expensive, you know.) But this gets just a little out of hand in
cases where gender is obvious, yet we *still* use improper
constructions -- solely to eliminate gender references.

For example, a popular local radio station has a series of ads for
what they call "the buddy system," which is intended as a method of
reminding women to perform regular breast exams (you can probably
see the problem that is developing at this point). The ads go
something like this:

"On the ninth day of each month, your buddy will remind you have
your breast examination; and, the following month, you will do the
same for them...."

Uh, excuse me, but I hardly think that anyone would feel "left out"
if we were to replace the word "them" in that sentence with the more
specific -- and more correct -- "her." Though I certainly do know
some men who probably *should* have regular breast exams, I tend to
believe that these radio ads aren't targeting them. :-)

Along the same lines: A while back, MCI sent me a notice about my
being able to select a "best friend," with the note that I will save
an incredibly-high percentage "on all calls placed to them."

To "them"? You mean, I can have more than one Best Friend(tm)? Okay,
I'm a glutton for punishment; I called MCI. Following is roughly the
exchange I had with the MCI customer-service representative:

VS: I'd like to select a few best friends, please.

MCI: I'm sorry, but you can only select *one* Best Friend(tm).

VS: But it says here that I can save "on all calls placed to *them*."

MCI: Yes, you'll save [fill in rate] on all calls placed to them.

VS: But doesn't the word "them" refer to "more than one person"?

MCI: <not figuring it out> Yes, it does.

VS: Good! Then I'd like to pick five, please.

MCI: But you can only pick one ...

VS: But if the ad says "them," and since the word "them" implies
"more than one," then I should be able to pick more than one best
friend.

MCI: But you can only *have* one Best Friend(tm) ...

VS: Oh, no, I have several. And I'd like to put them *all* on my
best-friends list.

MCI: But I can only enter one Best Friend(tm) into your account.

VS: Really? Well, then, why does the advertisement say that I can
save on calls to "them"? Doesn't that mean that there can be more
than one best friend? Why would they use the word "them" if I can
only select one person?

MCI: <confused as hell; still clueless> No, you can only have one
Best Friend(tm) ...

This continued for several minutes, until I started realizing that
the pain had escalated to the point that filling the kitchen sink
with water and plunging bloodied wrists into it was probably the
only rational solution to the problem. (Of course, the wrists I had
in mind were *hers*, not mine.)

(I've since managed to permanently solve the problem with MCI: I
switched to Sprint. So far, they're more literate.)

It amazes me, the lengths to which our society will go to be
"politically correct." For example, the terms "waiter" and
"waitress" are all but fully extinct, having been replaced by the
more unisex "server."

"Server"? Excuse me, but you're wearing a skirt with exactly two
square feet of material in it, black hose, high heels, and a button
that reads, "Ask Me About My Mussels," and you're concerned about
being *politically correct*?

This PC thing has gotten out of hand; and, as proof of that, I'd
like to introduce Collage 296 -- the next in a long series of "PC
Humor" Collages ...

Nigel in Canada responds to the opener in Collage 215 with his
"Affirmative Spelling" piece (yes, it can sometimes take a while for
contributed humor to make it through the system);

Richard in Phoenix, Arizona, sends us a description of "Technical
Harassment";

Tom in Florida sends along "Still More Politically-Correct Terms";

Steve at University of Adelaide (yes, that's in Australia)
predicts a bleak future with "Unisexing the Internet";

Daniel in Massachusetts takes credit for the first "Politically-
Correct Lightbulb Joke";

and Shawn King, the Bawdy.Net moderator, contributes the provocative
(and hysterical) piece, "Hedging Bets."

Huge thanks, once again, to all our contributors.

Now go forward and be non-PC. :-)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Affirmative Spelling

[Editor's Note: Nigel responds to the opener in Collage 215, which
mentioned some girls from WIlliams College who "gagged themselves
with duct tape and spent hours locked inside a College display case
to demonstrate that women are 'silenced objects of display in a
patriarchal society.'" The group also decried "supposedly correct
punctuation and supposedly correct capitalization" as ways of
"trying to control women that lead directly to their subjugation."
They also claimed that "capitalizing the first letter of a written
sentence unfairly prioritizes that letter at the expense of the
other underprivileged letters that follow." Heh ... some students
simply cannot accept failing grades in Freshman English. </vs>]

hI vINCE,

uPON READING THIS, I rEALIZED THAT WHAT THESE WOMEN ARE SAYING IS
ENTIRELY CORRECT, AND AS A RESULT, i'M NOW PRACTICING "aFFIRMATIVE
sPELLING." aFFIRMATIVE sPELLING IS GOING TO ERASE CENTURIES OF
WRONGDOING BY REVERSING CAPITALIZATION. fURTHER, i THINK THAT LAWS
SHOULD BE PASSED REQUIRING AFFIRMATIVE SPELLING. tHESE LAWS WOULD
REQUIRE BOTH COMPANIES AND INDIVIDUALS TO SPELL AND PUNCTUATE WITHIN
THE NEW ESTABLISHED GUIDELINES. vIOLATORS WOULD FACE STIFF
PENALITIES, INCLUDING THE REVOCATION OF THE RIGHT TO USE VOWELS.
oNCE THIS INJUSTICE HAS BEEN CORRECTED, WE CAN THEN EXPAND THE
PROGRAM TO ALLEVIATE SOME OF THE OTHER CONCERNS WITH THE ENGLISH
LANGUAGE, INCLUDING SUCH RULES AS "i BEFORE e EXCEPT AFTER c." tHE
nEW RULE, TO ALLEVIATE THE SYSTEMATIC DISCRIMINATION, WOULD BE "e
BEFORE i EXCEPT NEAR c."

tHANKS FOR ALLOWING ME TO EXPRESS MY VIEWS ON THIS IMPORTANT TOPIC.

nIGEL.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Technical Harassment

What is Technical Harassment?

In our complex technical environment there are many opportunities
for a competent technical individual to be the subject of technical
harassment. Sometimes it can be so subtle that you may not even be
aware you are being harassed. Worse yet, you may inadvertently
technically harass another person by accident.

Following are some guidelines to help you determine if you are being
technically harassed.

* If you are repeatedly asked the same technical question, you may
be the victim of technical harassment. While it is most common to
be asked the question repeatedly within the same conversation, some
instances have been identified of habitual technical harassment.
Habitual technical harassment is not uncommon and has been known to
exhibit group tendencies where members of a group may ask the same
question repeatedly. Untreated, these instances of group technical
harassment can continue for years.

* If you are asked a technical question by a non-technical person
and he does not write your answer down, it is likely the question is
frivolous. Most non-technical people are not capable of remembering
a true technical answer for more than 30 seconds.

* If you are forced into a discussion where a person uses more than
three (3) buzzwords in one sentence, the person is most likely a fake
and you are the unwitting victim of technical harassment. One note
of caution: Competent technical people have been known to
inadvertently use buzzwords after reading mindless drivel like PC
Week or LAN Times. If the person has been known to use more common
technical terms in the past such as "stuff" and "things," and is now
commonly using buzzwords, he is most likely victim of computer
magazine brainwashing.

* If, during a troubleshooting session, a person uses the term
"trick," then that person is probably non-technical. For example,
"Maybe we could trick the database into thinking it has been
updated." This is a sure sign of technical harassment.

* If a person explains that a needed feature will be provided by a
vendor and that person is non-technical then you are at risk of
being technically harassed. If you believe that person, you have
definitely been technically harassed; if you don't believe him, you
have only been technically annoyed.

* If you trying to resolve a technical problem with a product from
a vendor and you are instructed to call the salesman who sold you
the product, you are being set up for technical harassment. It is a
common reaction for a non-technical person who has purchased
technical equipment to call another non-technical person. The
dialogue between two non-technical people usually provides some
sense of comfort that they aren't the only ones who are confused.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Still More Politically-Correct Terms
Excerpted from The St. Petersburg (Florida) Times

An unidentified office wag, Charlotte Holtz, has suggested we take
the euphemistic idiocy of political correctness to its illogical
conclusion and include in its lexicon the following terms:

Impairment Impaired: People who have nothing wrong with them.

Challenge Challenged: Whiners who have run out of offensive behavior
to complain about.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Unisexing the Internet

Q: How do you know when feminists have taken over the Internet?
A: We all start sending "e-person" to each other! (Or, even worse,
"fe-mail.")

[Editor's Note: I guess mail servers will become known as
"electronic letter carriers" then. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Politically-Correct Lightbulb Joke
Excerpted/paraphrased from "The Rants," by Dennis Miller

Q: How many PC types does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: ZERO -- they're *perpetually* in the dark.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Hedging Bets

Q: Why are people more violently opposed to fur than leather?
A: Because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

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