Collage 297               H u m o u r N e t               26 SEP 96

Regarding my anti-PC opener in Collage 296, John in Bristol,
Virginia, writes to ask me:

   "So what if they are called 'servers,' not 'waiters' or
   'waitresses.' Does it offend you?"

Actually, no, it doesn't. In fact, the first time I heard the term
"server" used in that setting, I was very amused by it. Not sure if
the server was, though:

Server: Hi, I'm [insert chick's name], and I'll be your server for
this evening.

Me: You're my *server*?

Server: Yes, I'm your server for this evening.

Me: Good. Then go wash my car.

Of course, I'm always bound to hear from *someone* about my use of
the word "chick." This retort is from Leah in Israel, responding to
an "editor's note" in Collage 294:

    "CHICK? CHICK? Is that all we are to you -- YOUNG POULTRY?"

Well, it sure looks like I've ruffled some feathers there.... <g>

I *do*, however, find it interesting that PCers associate non-PC
language with *being offended*. I don't find PC language to be
*offensive* so much as simply *grammatically incorrect*. I do tend
to associate being offended with being insecure, however -- which
is why I think Collage 296 might have offended Nancy M. (in the
Philadelphia area) in a really big way:

   "YOU'RE WRONG you feminist-baiting f***head. If you dared to
   get into a fair debate with me I'd kick your sorry a** to
   China. Don't you have anything better to do with your time
   than harrass (sic) hapless MCI employees?"

Well, sure, there's that -- *and* toying with the easily offended. <g>
(Though Nancy might not fare so well in a *debate*, I'll bet she
could take me in two out of three falls. ;-)

As you can probably see, one of the little pleasures of this job is
the awesome quotes that I receive from my constituency. Of course,
quotes like Nancy's are in the minority; more on the "fun" side of
the scene is a tag line (.sig) from Deborah in Providence, Rhode
Island:

    "Just because I'm moody doesn't mean you're not irritating."

Doing my best at this end, Deb. ;-)

And also doing their best -- to keep us from being numbered among
the comedically challenged -- is a host of HumourNetters, providing
us with this Collage's set of "Awesome Quotes":

Richard in Phoenix kicks it off with a Voltaire quote in "Hedging
Bets";

Ann in Maryland illustrates the perils of "Engaging the Mouth";

Al in California augments material in Collage 67 and Collage 221
(among others) with the following collection from "The 365 Stupidest
Things Ever Said" desktop calendar for 1995: "Murphy in Action,"
"STILL Smarter Than the Average Rock," "How To Win Friends --
International Version," and "Sports Bloopers";

and Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado -- where it is snowing
right now <jealousy tag> -- closes Collage 297 with "Cutting to the
Quick."

It's the first (?) "Awesome Quotes" Collage. Huge thanks to our
crack awesome-quote-contribution team (even the hapless ones, like
Nancy :-) for making it all possible.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Hedging Bets

The great French satirist Voltaire once asked to give an encomium
(speech in praise of) to someone who had recently died. Since
Voltaire was a great enemy of that person, he refused.

The person asking him, however, said, "M. Voltaire, do not carry
your enmity beyond the grave. Surely it will not hurt you to say
something kind about a man who has died."

So Voltaire agreed, and his encomium went like this: "It is a great
grief to me that Monsieur So-and-so has died. He was a loving
husband and father, a devoted friend to all, a credit to the nation,
and a man of great piety -- that is, provided he is really dead."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Engaging the Mouth
[Editor's Note, 26 Sep 96: This quote is urban legend -- it was never
made by Mariah Carey. Accounts vary on how it actually came to be
circulated so widely. </vs>]

"When I watch TV and I see those poor, starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

Mariah Carey in an interview on the World Entertainment News Network
_In These Times_ Sept 1, 1996

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Murphy in Action
This entire collection has been excerpted from "The 365 Stupidest
Things Ever Said" desktop calendar for 1995

Probably the single most profound statement of all time:

"They couldn't hit an *elephant* at this dist--"
General John Sedgwick, Union commander in the Civil War, speaking
his last words as he was watching enemy troops during the Battle of
Spotsylvania Court House.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: STILL Smarter Than the Average Rock

[Editor's Note: Adding to the foundation of Collage 221, these are
yet more quotes from the man voted "Least Likely to Be Inducted Into
Mensa," Dan Quayle. </vs>]

"It's a question of whether we're going to go forward into the
future, or past to the back."

"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is
IN the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island
that is right here."
(during a visit to Hawaii)

"We are not ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not
occur."
(from an interview with the Cleveland Plain Dealer)

"We offer the party as a big tent. How we do that within the
platform, the preamble to the platform, or whatnot, that remains to
be seen. But that message will have to be articulated with great
clarity."
(This comment was awarded the British Golden Bull award.)

"The first would be our family. Your family, my family--which is
composed of an immediate family of a wife and three children, a
larger family with grandparents and aunts and uncles. We all have
our family, whichever that may be."

"Bobby Knight told me, 'There is nothing that a good defense cannot
beat a better offense.' In other words, a good offense wins."
(speaking extemporaneously to an audience at the City Club of Chicago)

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: How To Win Friends -- International Version

Another great political mind speaks out:

"I desire the Poles carnally."
President Jimmy Carter's mistranslation in a 1977 speech in Poland

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: Sports Bloopers

More quotes from the "salary is inversely proportional to IQ" crowd:

"It's about 90% strength and 40% technique."
Johnny Walker, world middleweight wrist-wrestling champion, on what
it takes to be a champ

"If I wasn't talking, I wouldn't know what to say."
Chico Resch, New York Islanders goaltender

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
Yogi Berra

"We have only one person to blame, and that's each other."
Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a brawl during the
National Hockey League's Stanley Cup playoffs

"I'm wearing these gloves for my hands."
Yogi Berra, when asked why he was wearing gloves

"I'd find the fellow who lost it, and if he was poor, I'd return it."
Yogi Berra, answering Casey Stengel's question "What would you do if
you found a million dollars?"

"He fakes a bluff."
Ron Fairly, Giants broadcast announcer

"I don't know. I'm not in shape yet."
Yogi Berra, when asked his cap size

"It could permanently hurt a batter for a long time."
Pete Rose, Cincinnati Red, speaking about a brushback pitch

"Fans, don't fail to miss tomorrow's game."
Dizzy Dean, baseball great turned sports announcer

"Me and George and Billy are two of a kind."
Mickey Rivers, Texas Rangers outfielder, on his warm relationship
with Yankee owner Steinbrenner and manager Billy Martin

"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and
it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This
is a terrible thing for the Padres."
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer, attempting to tell radio
listeners about a fly ball hit by a member of the opposing team

"His reputation preceded him before he got here."
Don Mattingly, New York Yankee, on Mets pitcher Dwight Gooden

"Even Napoleon had his Watergate."
Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager, commenting on a
Phillies' ten-game losing streak

"We are experiencing audio technicalities."
Ralph Kiner, announcer for the New York Mets

"Folks, this is perfect weather for today's game. Not a breath of
air."
Curt Gowdy, network sports announcer, on air

"I don't want to tell you any half-truths unless they're completely
accurate."
Dennis Rappaport, boxing manager, explaining his silence regarding
boxer Thomas Hearns

"Arnie [Palmer], usually a great putter, seems to be having trouble
with his long putt. However he has no trouble dropping his shorts."
Golf broadcaster on the air during a tournament

"A lot of people my age are dead at the present time."
Casey Stengel, baseball great, Yankees and Mets manager

"If Jesus were on the field, he'd be pitching inside and breaking up
double plays. He'd be high-fiving the other guys."
Tim Burke, Montreal Expos pitcher

"And Kansas City is at Chicago tonight, or is that Chicago at Kansas
City? Well, no matter, Kansas City leads in the eighth, 4 to 4."
Jerry Coleman, Padres announcer, going through the scoreboard on air.

"Today is Father's Day, so everyone out there: Happy birthday!"
Ralph Kiner, announcer for the New York Mets

"All I said was that the trades were stupid and dumb, and they took
that and blew it all out of proportion."
Ron Davis, Minnesota Twins pitcher, commenting on press reports
quoting him as criticizing team managers for trading top players

"The similarities between me and my father are different."
Dale Berra, Yogi Berra's son

"They throw Winfield out at second and he's safe."
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Cutting to the Quick

I once went to speak at a school, and there was a 16-year-old
girl...And the girl says to me, "You know what? I don't care what I
do, I just want to be famous." And I thought, you know, I should
really just shoot her in the head because it would serve two things:
It would make her famous as the girl that Jason Alexander shot in
the head, and it would, you know, spare the world of the banality of
the rest of her life.

-- actor Jason Alexander, of the TV program Seinfeld, discussing the
nature of fame on Dennis Miller Live

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