Collage 298               H u m o u r N e t               29 SEP 96

::snip administrivia::

By way of closing out the "PC" topic, I've been meaning to announce
the existence of an hysterical new mailbot on the 'Net: The "Jive
Translator." This server, located in Switzerland, will translate any
e-mail message into "jive." Try it -- it's a trip. Just send any
[straight text] e-mail message to this address:

                         jive@ifi.unizh.ch

You'll love the results. OTOH, much of the "jive" isn't exactly
*readable* -- which is why I send "jiveified" messages to my sister
for translation. She teaches second grade in Newark, New Jersey
(inner city, for those of you who are lucky enough to be unfamiliar
with Jerzey), and thus is fully "ANSI Jive" compliant.

But the *best* aspect of having a sister who teaches second grade is
all of the amusing stories she can tell; these kids can fill up a
Collage entirely on their own. By way of example, I'll relate the
following rather amusing anecdote ...

Dotty ("Sis") had injured her spine about a year ago, most likely
during intense sexual activity. (She *claims* that there was no
directly identifiable cause, but we all know what THAT means. Plus,
*my* theory is so much more colorful.) So, for a while, she was
wearing a neck brace to school, though primarily just for sympathy.
(Pointer for all the "sisters" in the audience: Never let your
brother become a humor-list moderator; he will use it to his
advantage in a vain attempt to compensate for your having made his
childhood a living hell. ;-) Anyway, when she showed up one day
*without* the neck brace, one of her students inquired:

     "Miss Sabio, why did you leave your casket at home?"

And he was one of the *bright* ones ... <g>

Of course, second-grade talk is hardly unique to the inner city;
"kid speak" is, I'm convinced, one of the primary sources of
entertainment in the teaching profession. I've given presentations
of various sorts for local school systems, at grades "K" through
high school -- but my favorites, by far, are the presentations for
the little ones.

Several years back, during Desert Storm, I gave a presentation on
the PATRIOT missile system -- quite a topical news story, at the
time -- to several classes in grades K through 8. After a short
presentation to one of the kindergarten classes, a student raised
his hand to ask me, "Why are we mad at Saddam?" The kindergarten
teacher later commended me for successfully sidestepping his
question. (By "sidestepping," I think she meant "did not burst out
laughing at.")

Another gem came last year, when I was giving a demonstration on
"electronics" to a fifth-grade class in Silver Spring, Maryland.
After discussing circuits and switches and light bulbs and fuses,
this one boy just *had* to ask me, "When the electric company turns
off your electricity, how do they know which house is yours?"

I'm sure his parents would have been darned proud of him for *that*
one. <g>

And I'm sure the parents of some of the kids mentioned in today's
Collage would be *just* as proud ...

Kevan in South Portland, Maine, sends us an account of kiddie
"Confusion";

Perri in Columbia, Maryland, (with an assist from Brian in Silver
Spring, Maryland) sends us "From The Mouths Of Babes";

Lenore in Virginia Beach, Virginia -- one of several early-childhood
educators on the list -- contributes the all-too-true "Kids' Property
Laws";

Shawn King, the Bawdy.Net moderator, assumes responsibility  for
"Risky Business," and moves us into the 'pregnancy' humor section,
with "Nonstandard Creamer";

Jeff in New York City contributes "Paybacks, Take 1";

Leah in Israel contributes "Paybacks, Take 2";

and Walter in Ottawa, Canada, sends us his own true account of
"Frustrated Fathering."

Also along the lines of kiddie-related humor is "Death Star Daycare,"
contributed by Scott in Rockville, Maryland. "Death Star Daycare" is
currently on the Web page, and is in the HumourNet Archives as
"death_star_daycare.txt".

Many thanks to our Kiddie Humor Collage contributors!

Enjoy ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Confusion

Several years ago, my uncle rented a camp in central Maine. Along
on the trip was a couple and their kids.

The youngest one, who was probably five or six at the time, had
never seen an outhouse before, and didn't quite know what to make of
it. He was able to use it, but came back to his mother after the
first time he used it -- and reported that the toilet didn't flush.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: From The Mouths Of Babes

* Kids on Marriage

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give
her back to her parents"
-Eric, 6

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to
the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at
least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one
particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering
what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait
to find out."
-Anita, 9

* How Does a Person Decide Whom to Marry?

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails
means you try the next one."
-Kally, 9

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind ... That's what I'll
do ... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."
-Carolyn, 8

* Concerning the Proper Age at Which to Get Married.

"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore,
and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
-Carolyn, 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife"
-Bert, 5

* How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for
a drive, but their car broke down.... It was a good thing, because
it gave them a chance to find out about their values."
-Lottie, 9

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't
tell me what kind."
-Jeremy, 8

* What Do Most People Do on a Date??

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Martin, 10

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about
love."
-Craig, 9

* When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone??

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her
a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the
wedding."
-Allan, 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing
if anybody sees you.... If nobody sees you, I might be willing to
try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
-Kally, 9

* The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married??

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan"
-Kirsten, 10

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them"
-Anita, 9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid.
I don't need that kind of trouble."
-Will, 7

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Kids' Property Laws

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it
automatically becomes mine.

10. If it's broken, it's yours!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Risky Business

A salesman rang the bell at a suburban home, and was greeted by a
nine-year-old boy puffing on a long black cigar.

Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the boy, "Is your mother
home?"

The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet,
and asked, "What do *you* think?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Paybacks, Take 1

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Paybacks, Take 2

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth

The doctor told them that they'd developed a new machine, and asked
if the couple would like to try it out. The machine could take some
of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father
to ease the mother's burden.

Well, they thought that was a good idea, and decided to give it a
try.

The doctor initially set the machine on 10 percent, telling the man
that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he'd ever
experienced. But the husband was surprised at how little pain he
was feeling, and asked the doctor to raise the level.

The doctor increased it to 20 percent, and when the man still felt
fine, he raised it to 50 -- and finally 100 percent.

After it was all over, the man stood up, and stretched a little.

Both he and his wife felt fine, and they shortly left the hospital
to take the baby home.

It was then that they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Nonstandard Creamer

A woman at our interactive advertising agency recently returned
from maternity leave, and sent the following e-mail:

"Whoever used the milk in the small plastic container that was in
the refrigerator yesterday, please do NOT own up to it. I would find
it forever difficult to meet your gaze across a cafeteria table
whilst having a discussion about java applets or brand identity.

"Just be aware that that milk was EXPRESSLY for my son, if you get
my drift. I will label these things from now on, but if you found
your coffee tasted just a little bit special, you might think of
calling your mom and telling her you love her."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Frustrated Fathering

At our first pre-natal class, the instructor went around the room
asking the couples to introduce themselves. When my turn arrived, I
stood up, and said, "My name is Walter, and I'm an expectant father.
It's been three months since I had sex."

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