Collage 299               H u m o u r N e t                2 OCT 96

Part of my job here at HQ HumourNet is to alert my subscribership to
possible shams, scams, and spams.

Luckily, there has been very little spam recently (as long as we
ignore the resurfacing of the "Good Times Virus" hoax).

Shams and scams, however, *abound* -- and, not surprisingly, they're
generally perpetrated upon us by those mavens of misrepresentation,
the corporate marketing departments.

The first case comes to us from that bastion of the health-food
revolution, "SnackWell's." They have recently released a new product,
"Fudge Dipped Granola Bars." The FDGBs are fresh out of beta testing,
and each box is clearly marked with a perky, FDA-approved "NEW!"
warning label.

These shiny-new, just released, quasi-health-food bars come in three
yummy flavors: 'Caramel,' 'Oatmeal Raisin,' and 'Original.'

"Original"?

THIS STUFF IS BRAND NEW! How can they have an "Original" flavor when
the entire line has just been released? It's too new for there to be
an original *anything*!

[Editor's Note: Once again, please note that our fearless moderator
isn't *really* asking a question here. The real reason for *any*
food product being labeled "original flavor" is that the taste
testers all responded with, "Geez, what IS this crap? Look, put some
*flavoring* in this, will ya?" </vs>]

It's just another Marketing Scam(tm), targeting those of us who are
sufficiently ADHD to not notice the glaring contradiction. Of course,
for the sole purpose of writing this opener, I *had* to purchase all
three flavors. Not bad stuff, BTW. <g> (Please note that this was
done solely in the interest of alerting my readership to a potential
marketing scam, and thus is strictly in the name of science. Also
note that "SnackWell's" is a registered trademark of Divine Brown.)

Scams abound. But the most insidious scam, by far, is one that the
local and international media has bought into pretty completely (note
the first piece in the body of the Collage); this, in turn, has
caused the entire world to buy into The Scam -- hook, line, and
operating-system kernel.

That scam is Microsoft Windoze(tm).

Recent, unpublished, and seriously questionable studies have shown
that Windoze 95 leads to carpal-tunnel syndrome, premature hair loss
(including men), infertility and impotence, ulcers, halitosis, and
even suicide. (In extreme cases, some of the suicides have been
linked to premature death.)

Take Vermont, for example: Vermont has about a 9-to-1 ratio of
Windoze machines to Macintosh computers*. They also have the highest
"per capita" suicide rate in the nation.

Coincidence? I think not.

(*Note that Macintoshes are "computers." Windoze boxes are "machines,"
not unlike the things you use to wash your laundry.) (Yes, for people
living in Arkansas, this means that Windoze machines are very similar
to wide, flat rocks next to large rivers.)

In fact, use of Windoze 95 has even been indicated as a primary cause
of interest in this year's Presidential race. Scary. And it's being
perpetrated upon us by a little-known (but nevertheless highly
insidious) program called "Microsoft Marketing"(tm). Geared toward
people who actually *believe* infomercials and patronize the Home
Shopping Network, Microsoft Marketing(tm) is making unprecedented
headway into just about every market dominated by intellectually-
challenged consumers. (Thus, it's really no surprise that the average
journalist sees Windoze 95 as something akin to the Second Coming.)

And worst of all? Many PC types can't even take a little humor about
their selected platform -- and neither can users of Wintel-style
personal computers. (That was a little "politically-correct humor"
there. I noticed that it went right by you.)

For example: A while back, I sent a short message to Allan -- a Mac
aficionado, and the guy who runs our local Macintosh User's Group.
The message contained a piece about Apple dropping the PowerMac line
because it was just too darned fast; Allan forwarded it far and wide.

A short time later, I saw this message from "Jeff" (via Allan) in my
in-box:

   "To all who read this:

   "The are certain MacPeople who really need to find more
   productive use for their time. These continual slams of PCs
   are a pathetic attempt to direct the spotlight away from
   Apple's recent major gaffes. Once again I will ask the
   question: for all the supposed superiority of the Mac
   platform, and for all zealous preaching of the Mac lovers,
   why can't MacIntosh (sic #1) not (sic #2) even achieve a ten
   percent market share?

   "Allan, you can feel free to pass that question along to
   Vince."

Well, the gauntlet had been dropped; naturally, a response was
warranted:

   "I'll hand this one off to the New York Times:

      'DOS Computers, manufactured by companies such as IBM,
      Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others, are by far the most
      popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide.

      'Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that
      cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that
      numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.'

      (New York Times, November 26, 1991)

   Summarizes my thoughts on the subject."

Not surprisingly, I never heard back from Jeff. (It is worth noting,
BTW, that *my* messages were sent from home; Jeff's message was sent
from his place of employment. Interesting how this PC user defined a
"more productive use for [his] time." <g>)

But this is just ONE SIDE of the story. Since we at HQ HumourNet
like you to be *informed* shoppers, we feel it is best to provide a
counter-argument on the issue.

So, today's counterpoint will be provided by Dave Barry, speaking up
in favor of DOS/Windoze boxes everywhere. Since Dave's material is
copyrighted, I cannot run it here on HumourNet; instead, I urge you
to point your Microsoft Internet Exporer V3.0 (or Netscape Navigator
for Windows) to this URL:

<http://www.yil.com/yil/dbarry/db960916.html>

I'd like to thank Irene in Las Vegas, Nevada, for providing the URL
for Dave's PC-vs-Mac review. And I'd also like to thank the following
contributors to today's Windoze-vs-Mac Collage:

Richard in Phoenix sends us a "Microsoft Product-Announcement
Template";

Mike in Cleveland Heights, Ohio, contributes the piece, "Where Do
You Want To Go Today?";

Bruce in Studio City, California, brings us some "Windoze Tag Lines";

and Dr. Mike in Baltimore, Maryland, closes with "More Than Just
Market Share" (with apologies to all the non-Trek types -- including
me -- out there).

Huge thanks to all our contributors -- including the unwitting ones,
like Microsoft (and Jeff).

Happy bytes ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Microsoft Product-Announcement Template

MICROSOFT ANNOUNCES <insert new M$ application name>

REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In an effort to <insert M$'s lame idea about
what users need>, Microsoft announced today that <insert M$'s lame
answer to lame idea>.

"<Dumb quote from a M$ employee about how user's will `benefit' from
this new M$ application>" said a Microsoft spokesperson who requested
to remain anonymous.

Industry analysts were quick to praise the decision, calling it 'bold
and innovative!' "This new <insert new M$ application name> will
free Windows users from <some bug or missing feature which is M$'s
fault in the first place>. It also gives Windows a new feeling of
<something that would make anyone using any other OS fall asleep>,"
said a member of Ziff-Davis Publishing's Editorial Staff. "This is
precisely why <insert competing software application's name> is
failing in the marketplace -- they have failed to deliver an <enter
feature that only a business-major-turned-computer-journalist could
dream up>."

When asked when <insert new M$ application name> would be available,
a Microsoft spokesperson said "<insert convoluted quote that convinces
the user that the application will be released soon or even yesterday,
but doesn't commit to any specific date>." The spokesperson also
added, "It really doesn't matter since <insert new M$ application
name> is destined to be the most <insert glorified praise for non-
existent application and be sure to mention how it will be 'powerful'
and will 'dominate the world software market'>."

Market and industry analysts quickly agreed adding that "<insert new
M$ application name> has already revolutionized the industry."

A spokesperson from <insert competing software vendor's name>
disagreed however. "Microsoft is still trying to sell products that
don't exist. <insert competing software vendor's name> has been
shipping <insert competing product that is unheard of thanks to
M$ mass-marketing techniques> since <insert date from pre-history
(see Jurassic Park for examples)>. <insert new M$ application name>,
or whatever it's called, still relies on DOS's <insert stupid part of
insipid DOS operating system> and is not a true <insert latest
computer jargon for _modern_>." He added that "users who think that
<insert new M$ application name> will have no problems will be in
for a surprise."

Most users appear to remain unconvinced however. "<insert new M$
application name> will <insert a nonsense list of things anyone using
any other OS has been had since the ENIAC> and it won't have any
bugs or compatibility problems because it's from Microsoft. Why
should I buy <insert competing software application's name> which is
less than perfect, when <insert new M$ application name> is right
around the corner?"

                             -- 30 --

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Where Do You Want To Go Today?

Houston Chronicle classified ad:
"1 month old 486 DX33, color monitor & printer, full tower, phone
fax modem, much more. $1,800. Too stupid to use, bought
Macintosh."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Windoze Tag Lines

"Never ask what sort of computer a guy drives. If he's a Mac user,
he'll tell you. If not, why embarrass him?"
-- Tom Clancy

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

"An ancient eastern proverb says: I complained because I had no
shoes; then I met a man who had no feet. For the 90's: I
complained because I had no PowerMac; then I met a man who used
Windows."
-- Cloyce Sutton

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

"The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated."
-- Samuel Clemens [Mark Twain] c.1900
-- Apple Computer [1984,1985,1986,1987,1988 ad nauseam]

(By Bruce Murphy)

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

IBM: "I'm Buying Macintosh"

Windows-(n): The Fisher Price version of the Macintosh OS.

http://www.apple.com/ ... How Microsoft finds where they want to go
today.

Customer:   "I'm running Windows '95."
Tech Support: "Yes."
Customer:   "My computer isn't working now."
Tech Support: "Yes, you said that."

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

"Who needs horror movies when we have Microsoft"?
-- Christine Comaford, PC Week, 27/9/95

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Excerpt from new OSHA regulation on computer systems:
"... if said motherboard has installed an Intel central processing
unit, there will be affixed to the case, in a prominent location,
the warning label: 'Intel Inside.'"

(By Bruce Murphy and Celeste Dolan Mookherjee)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Than Just Market Share

What if Data (from "Star Trek: The Next Generation) were MS Windows
compliant? Let's see ...

WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead
ahead.

PICARD: On screen.

[The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines,
each only a single pixel wide.]

PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?

DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video
memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you
select a lower resolution?

PICARD: Make it so.

[The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky
square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be
Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in
Space Invaders.]

PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.

DATA: Aye, sir.

[Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it
over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some
buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A
flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the
viewscreen.]

WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!

PICARD: Shields up!

DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete
your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished
before you issue your next command.

PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I
want those shields up *right now*.

DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete
your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished
before you issue your next command.

LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data.

[Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the
floor.]

DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose
to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this
communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any
information sent by the Romulans.

[LaForge pulls Data's left ear.]

PICARD: Shields...

[There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and
all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks
erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley
back away from the console.]

PICARD: Up, Data!

DATA: Aye, sir.

RIKER: All decks, damage report!

WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be
unconscious.

[Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and
punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the
hourglass back on the floor.]

DATA: Shields are now up, captain.

PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the
lead Romulan ship.

WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]

PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.

DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver
installed for that console.

PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.

DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.

PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?

RIKER: I left them with Geordi.

LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had
them!

PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal
memory?

DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right
nostril.

PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1.

DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

PICARD: Abort!

DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

PICARD: Well, fail, then!

DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.

[Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship
lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one
side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard
coming from somewhere else in the ship.]

LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?

PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?

RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on
hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that
person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She
specialized in industrial control robots.

[Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all
the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After
a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing
by the console, absolutely motionless.]

PICARD: What's going on?

LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a
General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.

PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do
anything with them.

[The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in
full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a
Ferengi, appears moments later.]

FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh,
Captain?

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage299>