Collage 301               H u m o u r N e t                9 OCT 96

Today's topic is: The "Intellectual Proletariat(tm)."

We're all familiar with Stupid People. We run into them every day,
in bus stations, in restaurants, and in IRS and state motor
vehicle offices everywhere. Some of us even know one or two real,
live Stupid People. Unfortunately, some of them own modems, so I run
into them from time to time here on HumourNet; luckily, we can all
get a good laugh out of them, so they *do* serve a useful purpose.
<g>

In this opener, we intend to take a closer look at the biological
categorization and emotional composition of Stupid People; I'll
draw examples from some of the mail I've received recently just to
keep things topical.

For the most part, the biological family "Stupidus Populus"
comprises three genera, as follows:

1. Smarter than the average rock. (Moderately Stupid people)

2. Justification for abortion rights. (Very Stupid people)

3. "Hey YOU! Outta The Gene Pool!" (Anyone who sat on the O.J. jury)

Let's analyze these in a little greater detail ...

LEVEL I: Smarter Than The Average Rock

Level I stupidity, or "common stupidity," is often a result of
simple carelessness. Into this category go those people who manage
to subscribe themselves to HumourNet (or any other list), and then
cannot figure out how to get themselves *off* the list. Typically,
they have deleted their "Welcome" messages (most likely unread), and
have failed to read the useful blurb of information that appears in
the trailer of every Collage.

Typically, these people simply reply to a Collage, and insert the
lone quasi-word "unsuscribe" (sic) in the top of the message.

There will be at least *one* person who does that for this Collage,
as well. This person will have tacitly categorized himself as "Level
I Stupid."

LEVEL II: Justification For Abortion Rights

We introduce Level II stupidity with a message from Jackie, a
librarian at Central Queensland University. We first heard from
Jackie in Collage 296; I promised at that time that we'd get to
hear more from her. Here are a few more excerpts from Jackie's
correspondence:

JS> For such a pedant you missed the correction needed to make
JS> 'California culture' grammatically correct. It's missing one
JS> letter which would make it possessive - who owns the culture?
JS> Figure it out yourself.

I didn't bother to correct Jackie's grammatical and mechanical
errors; instead, I endeavored to determine if her criticism was
correct. It turned out to be a difficult task, indeed: I first
asked several Californian girls whether "Californian culture" was
grammatically correct, but they'd apparently had a little too much
Californian champagne to be able to answer the question conclusively.
So I took the issue straight to the Californian government -- but
the only phone number I could find was for the Californian Highway
Patrol, and they really had no clue. (No surprise there.)

Sadly, I must admit that the issue remains largely unresolved.

But that didn't stay Jackie from her keyboard. I informed her that
I don't always edit the pieces, themselves, and also mentioned she'd
apparently missed the one error that I *had* made in that Collage's
opener.

Her response:

JS> I don't suppose you'll lose any sleep, but I don't normally
JS> read your drivel that closely. In fact this list has been such
JS> a disappointment that I've been considering unsubbing ... I've
JS> only found one joke in 2 or 3 months remotely funny.

Interesting. One joke in two or three months, and she's just *now*
entertaining the idea of unsubbing? This woman obviously has quite
a tolerance for pain.

JS> I can't check for the error now anyway. I have a nasty habit
JS> of trashing everything from humo(u)rnet as soon as I skim it.
JS> It's not worth keeping.

Not a problem -- I sent Jackie a fresh copy of the opener, complete
with a hint as to where she might find the error. She never provided
comment, but *did* unsubscribe a short time later. (There *are*
rewards to this job. :-)

Jackie is what we might call "Level II Stupid."

LEVEL III: "Hey YOU! Outta The Gene Pool!"

Though the vast majority of list members realized that Collage 299
(the Windoze-vs-Mac Collage) was intended strictly as humor, a few
of the more emotionally sensitive types out there (read: "men")
didn't really grasp that concept very well, and felt the need to
respond to what they perceived as indictments of their character (or
other trait ;-).

Enter Brian L. in New York City:

BL> Does the efficiency and productivity increase realized by using
BL> a Mac include the requisite b*tching an moaning about Windows
BL> machines time?

(<sigh> Some people should have paid closer attention in high school
English. I think Brian might be one of those to whom Jackie was
referring in Collage 296. But follow along here, nonetheless; it
gets interesting.)

VS> I'm pretty sure it does. Nevertheless one has to wonder
VS> whether the money saved in buying a Windows machine includes
VS> the lost productivity in sending messages such as this.

BL> I'm not sure either. Let's time both activities. Not being a
BL> Mac user, I'll need you to provide some information from your
BL> end. How much time does it take to buy a Mac, drop out of the
BL> real world, and become pent-up enough to moderate a lame humor
BL> list because atrophied dating skills have left you reproducing
BL> asexually?

As you can see, Brian is harboring a lot of repressed anger and
resentment. Many of these people are the prime reason for things
like the House of Ruth, impotency clinics, and instructions on
shampoo bottles.

However, it's really not my job as a lame humor-list moderator to
help him deal with his feelings of inadequacy. Thus, when Brian
asked:

BL> Is the list available without the trite remarks at the beginning?

... I saw a truly unsurpassed opportunity, and responded with:

VS> Yes, it is, though I don't generally advertise that fact.
VS> However, the listproc does not permit you to be subscribed to
VS> both lists at the same time. Information on how to join the
VS> other list is included in the message you receive from the
VS> listproc when you unsubscribe from the 'standard' HumourNet
VS> list; to get the instructions, send in a standard unsub
VS> command.

I'm happy to report that we won't be hearing from Brian anymore;
I wish him luck in finding that other list. <g>

Clearly, Brian is fully "Level III Stupid" compliant.

Unfortunately, try as we might, it's really *not* possible to remove
these elements from the gene pool. As evidenced by the fact that
people like Brian are here to disturb the rest of us, it appears
that the Intellectual Proletariat is actually *more* apt to reproduce
than anyone else! (A possible explanation is that they are unable to
comprehend basic birth control.)

It was people like Brian and Jackie that led a subscriber to contact
me last August about having HumourNet sponsor an ongoing "Stupidity
Contest." The contest was announced both here on HumourNet and on
our Web page; entries containing stupid-people anecdotes were
solicited from Internetters at large.

The judging was performed by the person who launched the Contest,
"Kate," in New York City. The case study that motivated the entire
Stupidity Contest concept appears as the first piece in tonight's
Collage; the winners, as judged by Kate (et al.), follow. So, by
way of introduction:

Kate and Steve kick things off with "The Motivation: 'Olympic
Stupidity'";

Ken, who takes the Moderator's Choice award, was actually awarded
Second Runner Up with "Gravity Girl";

Susan scored First Runner Up with the hysterical piece, "Hot Tub
Boys";

and Sterling scored the Grand Prize with "Copernicus Girl" -- so
stupid as to possibly warrant creation of an entire new category
in the stratification of stupidity discussed above.

Well, there you have it -- the HumourNet-sponsored Stupidity Contest.
Congratulations to our winners, and many thanks to all our entrants.
Also, a special thanks to Kate for putting all the work into this;
I have preserved her comments to me in this Collage, since they are
entertaining, as well.

It's another extra-large Collage -- but hey, there's a lot of
stupidity out there....

Enjoy it! (But don't live it. :-)

(And please don't be the person who achieves "Level I Stupidity" for
this Collage. Or Level II or III, for that matter.)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The Motivation: "Olympic Stupidity"

The Olympic Closing Ceremonies are about to start. This woman comes
into the bar. She is a licensed insurance agent. She is an adult.
She is not drunk. One assumes she can read and write. One assumes
she can drive a car and vote in the Presidential election.

She asks Steve whether the Olympics are over and he tells her nearly
so. She asks him who won the Olympics. (As though there was only
one event.) He reminds her there are many events contested and asks
her which event she's asking about. She informs him she just wants
to know who won the Olympics. (He's sorry now he didn't tell her
something like Carjackistan.) He tells her the U.S. won the most
medals if that's what she means.

She doesn't seem to be certain that that's what she means but she
appears glad to hear the news.

He makes the passing remark that the Soviet Union probably would
have won more medals had they been here, and that the combined
former Soviet Union countries undoubtedly won more than we did. She
seems surprised by this and informs him that they (the Soviet Union)
are still here.

At that moment, to prove her point, the TV happens to flash the
medal count and she points to the Russians in second place. Steve
mentions that that's just Russia and not all the other countries
that made up the USSR

She doesn't understand this, as she believed the Soviet Union was
just Russia and that they had simply changed their country's name
since that's what we call them over here. He told her there were
several countries involved and that they had broken up a while ago.

She hadn't heard about that and still didn't get it. They were
still all just Russians, weren't they? And what did they break up
for? And what was there to break up about?

Note that this is *not* a fabricated story! We're wondering whether
she's heard about that little problem they've had in what used to be
Yugoslavia, or perhaps that "walking on the moon" thing. To be
fair, we're not discounting the possibility that maybe her ship just
recently landed on this planet, and she's still getting up to speed.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Second Runner Up: "Gravity Girl"

This would have been on the Monday before election day in November
of 1970, an election year in California. In our high school public
speaking class, we were supposed to speak, pro or con, on a
proposition on the ballot. That year there were 12 propositions.

In comes Bobbi, the original space cadet. She asks me which
proposition I'm talking on and I tell her 13. What's that, she
says, I haven't heard about that one. Oh, I say, it hasn't had a
lot of publicity, but it's the one to repeal the law of gravity.
Really, she says, I didn't know that the government could do that.
I said that the technology has been there for centuries and it could
have done it a long time ago, but no one had the guts to try to do
it (religious issues, you know). She wonders if it is a good idea
and I offer some pros and cons. I say I'm going con, so she picks
pro (typical for her).

The teacher decides to go high to low on the propositions, pros
first, then the cons. Who's first, he asks. Bobbi pops up and says
I'll go first on Prop 13. Everyone looks slightly puzzled and says
there are only 12, but Bobbi says, no, there are really 13, it's
just that 13 isn't well publicized. She says she's going to talk
pro on repealing the law of gravity. Everybody laughs, pleased with
the joke, but she looks hurt, and says this is a really important
issue and it will slip away if we don't take it seriously. Everyone
realizes she is really serious, and listens in stunned silence while
she goes through the pros that I mentioned with her. She finishes
up, and everyone just kind of sits there, not believing this. No
one wants to be the one to tell her the truth.

A couple days later, after the election, she comments she can't find
anything in the paper about Prop 13, and I tell her that the results
are being suppressed as a result of a government conspiracy. This
upsets her greatly and everyone is kind of looking on waiting for
the other shoe to drop. She says she's upset and someone should do
something about it and I suggest she should write her Congressmen
and Senators in Washington, and she thinks she'll do just that.
Everyone is still kind of watching this, waiting for something to
happen. It doesn't.

I don't know if she ever wrote the letter, but if she did, I would
have loved to have been a fly on the wall in D.C. when it came
in....

[Editor's Note: Trust me, Ken, we could scoop up every last brain
cell in this entire town, and still not pull together enough active
neurons to give even Bobbi a run for her money. Heck, the bill
probably would have made it to the floor before the environmentalists
killed it. </vs>]

[Editor's Note, Redux: Before I hear about *this* one, I'd like to
mention that I *am* an environmentalist. Of course, you DO know the
difference between an environmentalist and a developer, right? A
developer is someone who wants to build a home in the woods; an
environmentalist is someone who already has one. :-) </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: First Runner Up: "Hot Tub Boys"

Our First Runner Up, and the story we actually liked the best, comes
from Susan. This was almost the winner. We think this was the
dumbest act reported. However, as we were trying to find a dumb
person, not necessarily the dumbest act, and as any of us on a given
day is capable of doing something truly stupid, we opted for "Runner
Up" status. Also, this story is about two teenage boys. They're
all stupid. Anyway, without further ado, here is "Hot Tub Boys" ...

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

This is REAL. The people involved are still alive, and they were
NOT using drugs at the time -- although I *hope* that their
judgment was clouded by their previous drug use.

In November, about 10 years ago, two friends of mine, Ronnie and
Steve, were trying to think of something to do. Both of them were
about 17 years old. They noticed that Steve's dad had thrown out
the old hot tub to make room for the new one that he had ordered;
they decided to bring it to the canal nearby and take it across. I
don't know exactly how deep this canal is, but it is a MAJOR ship
channel and the undertow there is horrendous, AND it is at least 200
yards across.

They get to the canal, put the hot tub in, and it floats, so they
climb in. They manage to paddle themselves about a quarter of the
way across, and then decide that they need to get the water out that
has splashed over the side...

This is their logic; I SWEAR these guys said this and were SERIOUS:

"Since the water is coming in over the sides, if we pull this drain
plug, it will go out the hole."

The guys were not hurt. Luckily, it was a slow day in the ship
channel, and the coast guard got to them within an hour. They were
freezing cold, but that's about it.

[Editor's Note: I hope they didn't join the Navy. Or, if they did,
then I just hope that it wasn't the *U.S.* Navy. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Grand Prize: "Copernicus Girl"

And finally, winner of the only prize, the Grand Prize Winner, is
Sterling. We're not sure that "Copernicus Girl" is unquestionably
stupider than the woman who launched this whole contest ...

[Editor's Note: Just FYI, Kate is *not* referring to herself here,
her choice of words notwithstanding. <g> </vs>]

... but we're deeply afraid of either of them breeding.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

At my wife's work Christmas party last year we were seated with one
of the oral surgery assistants. One would think that someone with a
responsible position like that would have a reasonable education,
wouldn't you? The young lady in question had gone to college for
two years and was able to walk and chew gum simultaneously.

During the evening the conversation drifted around to the shortness
of the day during winter periods. Questioning her revealed that she
somehow had missed a minor concept regarding the composition of the
solar system: She still believed that the earth was the center of
the system and that the sun revolved around us. She had no
knowledge of Copernicus, and as a side issue, was not sure that the
earth was round!

Makes you wonder about the local educational system, doesn't it?

PS: While purchasing her car she used two VISA cards for the down
payment.

[Editor's Note: But the *real* question is: Could I get her to pay
the HumourNet Unsubscription Fee? If so, then *sign her up*! </vs>]

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