Collage 302               H u m o u r N e t               10 OCT 96

According to a recent news report, University of Delaware students
must now pass an "ethics exam" before they are allowed to access the
Internet.

Hey! I *like* this idea. Heck, if EVERYONE were required to do this,
at least we'd get the *lawyers* off the 'Net.

:-)

We *do* get down on lawyers a lot around here, but at least we do it
for good reason. For example, consider these news stories I heard
recently:

Grand Junction, Iowa: A woman was trying to take a *pillow* down
from a shelf in a department store; the *pillow* fell off the shelf
and landed on her head. She sued the department store -- and won
US$40,000.

Israel: A woman (presumably not the one who was hit by the pillow)
successfully sued a weatherman for a false prediction. He had
predicted fair weather; instead, it rained, and she caught a cold.
Though the exact amount of the settle ment is not known, it is
believed to have been less than US$1000.

[Editor's Note, 12 Oct 96: I'd like to thank Mark W. in Washington,
D.C., for providing the details on the Isreali case. </vs>]

Sure, you can blame the plaintiffs for this kind of behavior -- but
let's face it: The lion's share of those plaintiffs wouldn't even
know how to find the door to the courtroom if it weren't for lawyers
willing to take their cases.

Of course, the *juries* aren't all that sharp, either: After all,
they're the ones deciding most of these cases. And with jurors like
the ones we saw in the OJ trial, *anything* is possible.

And the best part? We're now gearing up for "OJ Litigation, Part Two:
The Adventure Continues"; Jim in L.A. sends us this update:

     A potential OJ juror (for the civil suit) was disqualified,
     after additional questioning, for writing on his questionnaire
     that "Nicole was a flirt and she deserved it...."

I'm sure there are a lot of women who'd hate to be *his* wife!
Come to think of it, I wonder how many he's gone through ... ?

     ... There was a lady who said she remembered the Bronco chase
     but not what happened after that....

Level II Stupid.

     ... And another candidate admitted buying OJ's tape.

Probably Pat Buchanan. No, probably not; he's most likely still
bound and gagged in the basement at the Republican National Committee
headquarters. But that's a topic for an upcoming "political Humor"
Collage....

Meanwhile, we need to stay focused on the topic at hand: Lawyers.
And for good reason: Plenty of material!

Pat in Sedona, Arizona, kicks things off with the painfully humorous
lawyer joke entitled, quite simply, "OUCH!!";

Richard in Phoenix explains the surgeons' perspective on lawyers with
"Interchangeable Parts";

Bill in Colorado contributes the anecdote "How Steep a Slope?";

Elisa in Maryland sends us "More Courtroom Outtakes" (this version
has been pretty seriously condensed; the unexpurgated version is
currently in the HumourNet Archives under the catchy title,
"lawyers.txt");

Craig in St. Paul, Minnesota, takes credit for "Lawyer Proves Darwin
Right";

and Tom B. in Florida posts the "Washington 1986/87 Attorney Season"
piece. (Heh ... we only wish.)

Another big thanks goes out to our contributors, including Jim in
L.A. for the OJ update, and Jack Diamond (a morning-show DJ on a
Washington, D.C., radio station, *and* a long-time HumourNet
subscriber) for the news stories used in this opener.

And remember: Lori B. -- a prosecutor in Atlanta -- reminds us that
lawyer jokes do not apply to prosecutors.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: OUCH!!

A doctor traveling by car along a country road collided with an
attorney who happened to be driving in the opposite direction.

The attorney, seeing that the doctor was a bit shaken up, helped him
from the car and offered him a drink of Scotch from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted, took a long drink and handed the flask back to
the attorney, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Sure -- as soon as the police leave," replied the attorney.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Interchangeable Parts

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their
work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to
operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them
up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're
heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and a**es are
interchangeable."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: How Steep a Slope?

My brother, a forester, used to tell this story about his boss, who
was often called into court as an expert witness. For those who
don't remember ninth-grade geometry, slope is measured in rise over
run, where a 45 degree angle is a slope of 1 (1 = 100 percent).

Jim was being questioned by the opposing attorney, who was asking
what kind of grades there were in the area. "There are places that
are pretty steep," he said. "In some places the slope is 70, 80,
sometimes over 100 percent."

The opposing attorney pounced on this. "Can you give me an example
of a slope over 100 percent?" -- all the while thinking, "I've got
him here. Nothing can be over 100 percent."

Jim leaned back in his chair, stroking his chin for a moment, as
everyone else in the courtroom realized that the lawyer was utterly
clueless.

"Umm ... 120 percent?"

The courtroom burst into laughter, and Jim's client had no trouble
with the rest of the case.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Courtroom Outtakes
(Purportedly excerpted from a WWW site out there in cyberspace.)

I work in a court reporting office; in addition to my normal
computer-related duties, I also proofread deposition transcripts
during busy times.

I've built up a pretty long list of humorous things that
occasionally occur; unintentional (or intentional)
double-entendres, witnesses (and lawyers) not paying attention to
what they're really saying, and so forth.

Here are some of the better ones that I (and some others in the
office) have run across....

(Names have been changed to protect all parties.)

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

THE WITNESS: The relevant question here is --
ATTORNEY 1: Well, why don't you let her ask a question?
ATTORNEY 2: Let her ask --
THE WITNESS: I thought you did. Okay.
ATTORNEY 3: I thought I did, too.
ATTORNEY 1: Well, I don't know what it is.
ATTORNEY 3: The witness does, and I do.
THE WITNESS: What's your question?

Q: Dr. Smith, how are you --
A: Just fine.
Q: Pardon?
A: Just fine. I'm ready to go.
Q: Okay. Great. How are you employed?

A: You've got to figure I'm a pretty conservative lady. This is the
first concert I had ever been to.
Q: Of any kind?
A: Well, I take that back. I went to Jerry Lee Lewis when I was 16
years old.
Q: There was no shooting at that concert, was there?
A: No. A whole lot of shaking going on, but no shooting.

Q: What was your attorney's name?
A: It was John Smith, right here in Tampa.
LAWYER 1: Right out the window.
THE WITNESS: Right. So what I'm getting --
LAWYER 2: Let the record be clear that Mr. Smith is not hanging out
the window.
THE WITNESS: I don't know. Knowing John, he could be.

Q: And the serratus anterior nerve that -- or the nerves that go to
it, where do they come from?
A: The neck, the cervical region.
Q: From the cervical region?
A: Yes.
Q: And did you do any examination of his cervical -- of his cervix --
to determine if there was any problem with his nerves going through
his neck?
A: He doesn't have a cervix, but, yes, I examined the biceps.

Q: Do you recall discussing with John Smith that if you were in a
deposition or anything like that and you don't want to give the right
answer, all you have to say is, "I don't know. I don't recall"?
A: No. I don't remember.

A: Obsessive-compulsive symptoms: Sometimes checks his own activities.
Suicidal and homicidal ideations: Sometimes he has suicidal ideations
regarding his car or truck every couple of days, particularly
following contact with his attorney.

Q: Do you consider him to be competent in that area?
A: I don't know. I don't have any basis to remark about the
competency of his engineering. I do know he's dead.

A: There are very few production places in North Dakota.
ATTORNEY: Generally speaking, there are very few places in North
Dakota.

Q: Oh, okay. So you had a conversation with Mr. Smith about the
SeaTower at some point --
A: Yes.
Q: -- prior to his death?

Q: And Detroit Murphy -- what is that? Is that a school or --
A: It's Mercy, not Murphy.
Q: Oh, Mercy?
A: I'm sorry. Yeah, Mercy.
Q: Oh, I'm sorry. Mercy.
A: Yeah, Detroit Mercy is a college, and they do it like through the
Jesuit priests program. They do things with young boys.

Q: Why do you handle the family finances?
A: Because my mom and sister ain't that bright.

Q: Did you notice any differences in the plaintiff during the fishing
trip after the accident and the times you had been with him before?
A: Yes.
Q: Can you tell the jury about that?
A: After a long period of time holding his rod, you could see he had
to sit down for a period of time.

Q: How far apart are the rungs on the ladder?
A: They're usually about 12 inches to a foot.

A: Mr. Jones and I had had a disagreement, the exact nature of
which I don't remember, but it was over some aspect of my work that
he wanted me to perform in a manner different than, I guess, I was
performing it. And Mr. Jones -- excuse my language coming up -- Mr.
Jones said, "If you f**k with me, I'll kill you."
Q: When he said, "If you f**k with me, I'll kill you," how did you
interpret that?

Q: Has anybody else ever threatened to kill you?
A: No. Somebody put a gun to my neck once, but I don't think he
threatened to use it.
Q: Was that in an employment contact or not?
A: No. It was a social contact.

Q: Is there a difference between a reconditioned and rebuilt piece
of equipment in your mind, if you have one?

Q: So the first thing that you heard was the one that you overheard
with Mr. Jones stating that he didn't want any women in his
department. And then second time when you were in this exact
conversation would have been after the first time?

Q: Have you tried any type of rehabilitation or work retraining?
A: No. No, sir.
Q: Why not?
A: Because I ain't too bright.

[Editor's Note: "The defense rests, your honor." </vs>]

Q: I would like you to turn to the next page, dated June 9, 1993.
A: Yes.
Q: Do you recall this incident occurring?
A: Yes. The night before that I had eaten at Beachcomber's
Restaurant. And I had crab. And I had vomited in the --
Q: I assure you on this question a simple "Yes" or "No" will do.

Q: And what was the reason given to you for the fact you were let go?
A: The reason given to me was garnishing a knife and arguing with the
supervisor.

Q: Do you currently have normal bowel movements?
A: No.
Q: In what way have they changed?
A: I have a lot more gas that I -- I fart a lot more; and when I do,
they're much stronger than the normal person. Isn't that true, Jane?
I know it's not funny, but it's true.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Lawyer Proves Darwin Right
Excerpted from the "Darwin Awards" page:
<http://home.netscape.com/people/karlton/darwin.html>

[UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of
windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with
his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.

A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of
the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was
explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law
students.

Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength
according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the
firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was
"one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

[Editor's Note: Why do I find Mr. Lauwers's statement so easy to
believe? </vs>]

[Editor's Note, 12 Oct 96: Gordon in Columbus, Ohio, suggested that
the subject line *should* have been "One Down, Thousands to Go!"
:-) </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Washington 1986/87 Attorney Season

1300.01 GENERAL

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may
harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If
accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to
nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash," "ambulance," or "free
Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health
department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
attorneys.

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