Collage 303               H u m o u r N e t               16 OCT 96

As some of you might recall, I introduced Pastor Rus in Collage 255
by way of mentioning that I had a real, live pastor hiding in the
subscriber list. I followed that up in Collage 265 with the
introduction of Professor Lawson, a theology instructor at the
Asbury Theological Seminary -- who mentioned that there are SEVERAL
seminary instructors on the list.

This is simply scary. I'm a devout, practicing agnostic, and I have
these theologians stalking my list.

Well, the situation has worsened:

    "Not only do you have pastors on your list, you also have
    at least one rabbinical student."

<Yikes!>

Mind you, it's not the PEOPLE who scare me, but their PRESENCE. I
just *know* that they're all reporting back to God(tm) -- and, let's
face it, the news can't be all that *good* ...

Anyway, I'd like to extend a warm welcome to Tsafi in New York.
(Hey, what *else* can I do? I have to hedge my agnostic bets and
ingratiate myself while the opportunity presents itself. ;-)

Seriously, though, I really am happy to have these guys on the list;
after all, they're my only hope for getting in a Good Word(tm) with
The Big Guy(tm). To that end, I try to stay in touch with them, to
ensure that HumourNet is serving all the necessary illustration
purposes. (Collages 255 and 271)

So, in a recent conversation with Pastor Rus (during which I was
really just checking to see if he needed any more sermon material --
unless God happens to be listening, in which case I was getting
directions to the Wednesday-night bible study meeting <g>), he made
reference to his prior experience as a disc jockey:

    "And to think, people figured my days in radio were wasted
    when I decided to become a preacher. What a wonderful training
    ground!"

This got me thinking: Sure, it's good training, but it's probably
just a little disconcerting for the congregation when Rus starts
his sermons with:

    "GooooooooooodMORNING, New Beginnings! It's the good
    Reverend Rus here, comin' atcha with fifty THOUSAND watts
    of raw New Testament power -- transmitting *straight* from
    the all-new Trinity Tower(tm), high atop the Pearly Gates.
    Now, in just a FEW minutes, we're going to throw the lines
    open to callers for a free ticket to next week's church
    picnic -- but FIRST, let's hear from our choir, belting out
    that hot new tune, 'Drop-Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal
    Posts of Life....'"

    :-)

(And they wonder why I generally steer clear of religious
institutions. I've yet to find an insurance company that covers
lightning strikes....)

Well, as you've probably guessed, it's time for a long-overdue
religious-humor Collage -- with kudos delivered as follows:

Daniel in Massachusetts takes credit for "Altruistic Architects";

Robert in Rockville, Virginia, sends us "Higher Authority?" (this
one is dedicated to Tsafi <g>);

Richard in Phoenix (with an assist from Pastor Rus to set me straight
on some key technical points) contributes "Wizard Under the Sheets"
and "Smarter Than the Average Savage";

Matt in Australia sends some "Tribulations";

and Bob in Washington, D.C., takes credit for the hysterical "Faith
Healing" piece.

It's another religious-humor Collage, with thanks to all our
contributors.

BTW, the song title mentioned above is *not* my creation, but was
pirated from the "Canonical List of Outrageous Country/Western Song
Titles," available on the Colossal Humor Page; I'd like to thank
Steve Willoughby, moderator of the Oracle Service Humor List, for
providing the bulk of the material in there. The URL for the song
list is:

<http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/Humour/Archives/
country_music_titles.txt>

And the URL for Steve's Web page (where you can find an entire
lifetime's worth of humor -- even if you're a speed reader) is:

<http://www.synapse.net/~oracle/Contents/HumorArch.html>

Enjoy! And, of course, Praise Allah(tm)!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Altruistic Architects

Four guys, waiting in line to get into Heaven, are passing the time
by making small talk. Imagine their astonishment when they discover
that all four had, on Earth, been architects! While they're busy
wondering what the chances are of THAT happening, St. Peter clears
his throat and announces to all:

"Excuse me everybody, I'd like you to know that we're having a
special deal on architects today. Just to give some of you a break,
I'll clue you in on one of the things we're looking for. When it
comes to architects, we like the ones who built buildings for the
common good, and didn't think only of themselves when they did it.
So if any of you have built well-known buildings and didn't ask for
a lot of money for doing it, you might want to mention it. Okay,
who's next?"

And, of course, it's the first architect's turn in line. He thinks
for a moment, then suddenly smiles. "I'm an architect," he says,
"and *I* built Buckingham Palace for a *crown*." St. Peter waves
him in.

The second architect thinks a bit, then smiles. "Well, I'M an
architect too, and *I* built Scotland Yard for a copper!" He, too,
is waved in.

The third architect is ready with his answer, and gives a big
smile. "I too am an architect, and *I* built Carnegie Hall for a
*song*." He is waved on in, and he smugly joins the others.

By now, the fourth architect can stand it no longer. He's laughing
his head off, pounding on the Pearly Gates with his fists, tears
streaming down his cheeks. They all turn to look at him.

He gasps, "You think YOU guys are special? What about ME?? *I*
built the United Nations -- for NOTHING!!"

[Editor's Note: Daniel says, "I heard this joke about ten years ago;
it had only three architects then. I added the Carnegie Hall part
myself." Well, heck, I'm impressed -- I thought that was the best
one of all! </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Higher Authority?

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological
arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One
day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules"
statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal
to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they
are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his
prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It
rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I
knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that
storm clouds form on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show
that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!"

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to
form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a
nearby hill. "I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his
friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be
explained by natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as
he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook,
and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and
said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Wizard Under the Sheets

Way down south, there's a Baptist minister of a large congregation.

One morning after a particularly moving sermon, he says, "Friends,
I have been hearing nasty rumors!" The crowd falls into an expectant
silence. "One of you, my faithful followers, has been saying that I
am a member of the Ku Klux Klan. This is not true! I am now
asking that the guilty party confess and apologize here before my
flock."

Just then Sister Margaret stood up and said, "Preacher, I don't know
how this came to be. All I said was that you're a wizard under the
sheets."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Smarter Than the Average Savage

A Catholic minister went into deepest Africa in an attempt to work
with and convert a tribe to the Catholic religion. He wasn't able
to speak the language very well, so he asked a member of the tribe
to help translate what he wanted to say. He received permission
from the Chief of the tribe to speak to the whole tribal population
at once. The minister stood atop a very large boulder, and as he
spoke, the translator translated all that the minister was saying.

"If you let me, I will show you how to dig in the ground and get
good water with which to drink and cook."

"Hoon-gow-wa," was the large response from the tribespeople.

"I can show you how you can capture animals without leaving your
village."

"Hoon-gow-wa!" shouted all the tribe. (By this time, the minister
was very happy with his effort)

"And if you will let me, I will show you a way to make peace with
the other tribes that are trying to take your land and your women."

"HOON-GOW-WA!!" was the enormous response, so loud that it scared
away the birds in the nearby trees. This was the end of his talk
and he thanked the tribe for allowing him to speak to them. Then
followed was a large feast and dancing.

Later that afternoon, the translator came up to the minister and
said, "The chief of our people said that you have given him much
joy. As a sign of his appreciation, he would like to take you on a
tour of animals and tribal land."

Well, the Minister was absolutely delighted at the acceptance that
he had been shown. He thanked the chief and told him that he felt
honored by his offer.

So the chief, minister, translator, and four warriers went walking
through the small kingdom. As the Chief gave the minister the
guided tour, the translator explained the different places that the
Chief was showing the minister: the large sparkling stream that was
their water source, and a large area bountiful in deer and elk that
provided their meat supply.

After another hour of walking, as the party came on a large lush
green pasture that looked to have about 100 cows (to the best guess
of the Minister), the Chief said something to the translator and
pointed toward the ground.

The Minister inquired what the chief had said.

The translator replied, "My Chief tells you to watch your step on
this path, and to be careful not to step in the Hoon-Gow-Wa."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Tribulations

Hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?
He sat up all night wondering if there was a dog.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Faith Healing

Overheard in a bar:

"Earl I don't mean to tell you that I believe or anything, it's just
that when I got home last Sunday morning, after being out drinking
all of Saturday night, there wasn't anybody on the TV except for some
Bible-thumping preacher. I was getting ready to take a shower and go
to bed when he starts shouting about healing people. He starts in
about how if you'll bring the afflicted part of you body up to touch
the TV screen, kneel down and pray to Jesus then YOU'LL be HEALED.

"Now Earl, I still have my doubts, but my hemorrhoids haven't
bothered me all week."

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