Collage 304               H u m o u r N e t               18 OCT 96

Well, we've made it: HumourNet has moved from the BGU server to a
listproc in Boulder, Colorado. [checking out new digs] Nice place,
too. And a much perkier server than the one at BGU.

Overall, this is clearly a step up -- and a necessary one. Those of
you who've been with HumourNet for a while have survived as many as
*five* ListProc Disasters(tm) since February. All things considered,
though, I really do owe a great debt of gratitude to the folks at BGU
for having hosted HumourNet since November '95.

Of course, being on the new listproc means that the list and server
addresses have changed. Normally, I could just post the new addresses
right here -- but this is hardly a normal environment. So, instead,
I'll try an IMPORTANT NOTE; we'll see how much success this has:

IMPORTANT NOTE!

HumourNet has moved to a new server! (This might look like repeat
information to some of you, but right now about 80% of the list is
saying, "Really? When did that happen?") Thus, you will need these
swank new addresses:

server address: listproc@csf.colorado.edu
(The server address is for subs, unsubs, etc.)

submissions: HumorNet@csf.colorado.edu
(The submissions address is for ... well, *submissions*.)

The other two important addresses remain the same:

subscription problems: listmom@telephonet.com

general correspondence: HumourNet@telephonet.com

Note: I am responding to very little general correspondence these
days. If you do not receive a reply from me or my lovely assistant
moderator (Kim), please do not take it personally; we're pretty
inundated.

Here is one more important note ...

DO NOT SEND MAIL HERE: owner-humornet@csf.colorado.edu

Mail to owner-humornet is flagged as an error by the listproc, and
is subsequently filed into the ERRORS folder -- to die a forlorn and
ignoble death among the hordes of mail bounces that are generated by
each Collage. If you want me to actually *see* your message, please
do not send it to owner-humornet.

Of course, all of this info is summarized in glorious detail in that
30-page document you received from the listproc when you subscribed;
you know -- the "Welcome" message. It details all the pertinent info
regarding HumourNet, right down to the unsubscription fees (of
course, subscriptions are free; see Collage 290 for details on the
unsubscription fee ;-).

Since the document has grown substantially over the past few months,
I was considering mailing out a new copy to everyone upon completing
the move to CSF. But when I regained my senses (speaking in relative
terms, of course), I realized that sending out the War-and-Peace-
style Welcome message would be almost as well received as another
"GOOD TIMES Virus Alert!" posting in your favorite newsgroup.

So, instead, you can retrieve the file yourself if you are so
inclined (and have some spare disk space):

<ftp://ftp.humournet.com//pub/HumourNet/.welcome>

For those of you whose access is limited to e-mail, please send the
following commands *exactly as shown* in the body of an e-mail to
"BITFTP5@pucc.princeton.edu":

open ftp.humournet.com
cd pub/HumourNet
get .welcome
close

(The Welcome message will be returned to you by e-mail.)

So there you have it. I'd like to thank the folks at CSF for offering
to host HumourNet -- several sites have offered to host us (following
all the excitement with the BGU server over the last few months), but
have reconsidered when they heard the numbers (7300 and counting).

There is, however, at least *one* benefit to hosting HumourNet:
Custom Collages. The folks at CSF asked if we have any academic
humor -- which is like asking if Ross Perot could use platform shoes.
Thus, I'm happy to introduce yet another Academic-Humor Collage ...

Lorraine in Texas contributes "You Know You're a College Student
When";

Lenore in Virginia Beach (Virginia, of course) sends us "Progress?";

Sergio in the U.K. takes credit for the variation on "Yesterday";

Richard in Phoenix contributes to college-class stratification with
"College Seniors vs. Freshmen";

Matt in Kansas sends another type of comparison with "College Student
or Bag Lady?";

Jim in Los Angeles (California, for the *really* geographically
impaired) contributes the "Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities";
(Note that Jim's contribution was on time for Spring Break; it just
takes a little while for material to work its way through the system.
So, we're early for next year; deal with it. <g>)

Dan -- who was last seen somewhere in or around Massachusetts --
assumes responsibility for "Commencement Bingo";

and Karen in Germantown, Maryland, finally scores one with "The Fine
Art of Getting Grades."

It is a LONG overdue Academic-Humor Collage; as always, huge thanks
to our contributors. And a similarly huge thanks to our new hosts!

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: You Know You're a College Student When ...

1. Going to the library is a social event.

2. You play the lottery to ensure housing, not win money.

3. No matter what ails you, the nurse can only give you generic
non-aspirin.

4. You need a map to find your classroom.

5. You're grateful that the cafeteria labels the food.

6. It's not unusual to see four feet in the next shower stall.

7. You plan your schedule to have Fridays off.

8. You wear flip-flops in the shower, to avoid the mysterious
creeping crud.

9. You pay outrageous prices for books that are worthless to you
after four months.

[Editor's Note: And you know you're a college *graduate* when you
wish you had those books *back*. </vs>]

10. The word rush does not mean to be in a hurry.

11. You buy enough underwear to last five weeks so you do not have
to wash your clothes often.

12. You're willing to pay extra for edible food.

13. You'll pay any sum of money to have a pizza delivered to your
room at 2:00 a.m.

14. Out of sheer desperation, you attempt to cook a grilled cheese
sandwich on an iron.

15. Standing in line for half an hour to get a bowl of corn flakes
is worth the wait.

16. The same fish sticks that are served square on Tuesday are
served round on Friday.

17. While your mother lectures you over the phone, you take notes.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Progress?

Consider the answer you might receive asking a grade-school child
the question "What is 2 plus 2?" in each of the last five decades:

in 1956: "4, of course"
in 1966: "3, but it's the method that's important"
in 1976: "just a second while I get out my calculator"
in 1986: "just a second while I launch 'Calculator' on my Mac"
in 1996: "just a second while I check the 'addition' home page"

[Editor's Note: Yes, I realize that the grade-school child with a
calculator in 1976 is perhaps a bit of a reach. Remember, I don't
write this stuff, I just rebuild subscriber files, and send out
Collages from time to time. ;-) </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Yesterday
Sung, if possible, to the tune "Yesterday"

Yesterday,
all my finals seemed so far away.
Then I realized that they start today.
Oh, how I long for yesterday.

Suddenly,
I no longer have the grade of "B".
Now it's looking closer to a "C".
Oh, finals came so suddenly.

I can
cram, although I can blow
it off today.
Come to-
morrow morn, I'll get on
my knees and pray...

Yesterday,
This was such an easy tune to play.
Now my chops are all but gone away,
My jury's a half-hour away.

What I
have to show
I don't know,
the prof won't say.
I'll spell
something wrong, or I'll bomb..
... there goes my "A"...

Yesterday.
Thought of graduating come this May.
Now it looks as though I'm here to stay,
oh, how I long for Yesterday.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: College Seniors vs. Freshmen

Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior:   Is never out of bed before noon.

Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior:   Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to
          attend.

Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior:   Brings a jumbo hoagie and Scotch-n-soda into the
          recitation class.

Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher."
Senior:   Calls the professor "Bob."

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior:   Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away.

Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior:   Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior:   Knows where the next class is. Usually.

Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior:   Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a
          box of pop tarts in hand.

Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.
Senior:   Has 'own' personal workstation.

Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the
          first week.
Senior:   Starts to think about buying textbooks in October...
          maybe.

Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year
Senior:   Looks forward to first beer garden of the year

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior:   Is proud of not *quite* failing his Complex Analysis
          midterm

Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior:   Calls Domino's every other night

Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs
Senior:   Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over
          the summer

Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional
          questions
Senior:   Offers to 'tutor' conscientious frosh of opposite sex...

Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto
          campus
Senior:   Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house

Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits
          him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the
          chance to expand one's horizons and really make a
          contribution to society
Senior:   Is excited about new dryers in laundry room

Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior:   Occasionally stays awake for all of class

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: College Student or Bag Lady?
Excerpted/modified from Janet Cahn's home page:
<http://cahn.www.media.mit.edu/people/cahn/jc-home/>

Are you a college student or a bag lady? It's a finer line than you
think! Just compare ...

Bag Lady                           College Student
-------------------------------  --------------------------------
* Hang out in libraries          * Hang out in libraries
* Lots of fresh air              * Never see the sun
* Garbage cans                   * Vending machines
* Sleep anywhere                 * Sleep anywhere (see: libraries)
* Talk incoherently              * Talk incoherently
* Collect interesting pieces of  * Collect interesting pieces of
  paper                            paper
* Engage in impassioned debates  * Engage in impassioned debates
  with space aliens in their       with people who have never
  native dialects                  left school
* Wear all my favorite clothes   * Never a fashion slave
  at once!
* Invent the present             * Plagiarize
* Shopping carts                 * Backpacks
* Shelters                       * Shelters (see: libraries)
* Magic things: pigeon feathers, * Ritual objects: signed pieces
  a piece of string                of paper, brass rats
* Research: are pebbles edible?  * Research: can machines converse?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities

10. Drink molasses till you heave.

9. Attend a Wet Bonnet contest.

8. Tear a page out of the room directory and totally trash it.

7. Throw a "Keg of Buttermilk" party.

6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really hot Clydesdale.

5. Get a tattoo that says: "Born to Raise Barns."

4. Dare to wear a see-through smock to bed.

3. Sleep in until 6:00am.

2. Cop a glance, behind a checkout counter, of the front cover of a
Playboy Magazine.

1. Churn butter naked.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Commencement Bingo

From an article in the Boston Globe (9 Jun 96) concerning Vice
President Al Gore's commencement address at MIT:

   "Continuing a long tradition of graduation-day hacks, or pranks,
   ... an unknown group of students handed the 2,000 graduating
   students 'Al Gore Buzzword Bingo' cards as they arrived at
   commencement.

   "On each card of 25 squares was a different set of Information
   Superhighway [buzzwords] and catch phrases: global village,
   interoperability, paradigm, cognitive and so forth. Each time
   Gore uttered one, holders got to check off the square, hoping for
   five in a row...."

(Alas, no winners were reported.)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Fine Art of Getting Grades

Q: What's the difference between butt kissing and brown nosing?
A: Depth perception.

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