Collage 305               H u m o u r N e t               20 OCT 96

Several of you were surprised by my resurrection of the "unsub
fee" in Collage 304; surprisingly, it has generated *no* angry
e-mails.

At this rate, I might just institute it. ;-)

Speaking of list issues, the move to CSF is now complete, so please
use the new addresses (in the trailer of every Collage, and spelled
out in glorious detail in Collage 304) -- this will make your life
easier, as well as ensure that you are not featured in a future
opener. <g> 

Also, the entire HumourNet Archive has been updated with the new info,
and the older issues have all been reformatted to reflect the latest
in Collage Layout Technology(tm). And, while going back through the
older Collages, I realized that Collage 290 was *not* the first
occurrence of the "unsubscription fee"! There was a passing "unsub
fee" comment made in the opener in Collage 98 -- so the HumourNet
Unsub Fee(tm) corporate knowledge dates back to around July 1995.

The things you learn by wandering through those archives....

Collage 98 also happens to contain some great .sigs (signature lines,
also known as "tag lines") -- which reminds me that I'm way overdue
on the next .sig delivery.

Which, in turn, brings me to another great [potential] .sig -- this
one sent to me by Jeff in Baltimore, Maryland. Jeff was responding
to my comment in Collage 292 on the use of the "finger" Internet
protocol:

   You cannot "finger" an account by sending an e-mail message
   with the word "finger" in it to that account.  Finger is an
   Internet protocol -- much like FTP or Gopher -- and requires,
   for all intents and purposes, a finger client.  If you don't
   have a finger client, or do not know what one is, then your
   best bet is to check the Web page or FTP archive for the
   current list status.

Jeff's response to that passage:

   And lo, the Lord saw the general public enter the net, and
   beheld that with them came vast quantities of cluelessness....

Another amusing .sig is contributed by Gerry P. (in Canada?),
responding to the "shopping" tag line in Collage 264:

    "I came, I saw, I did a little shopping"

Gerry replies:

   Thought it might amuse you to know that this originated
   with a paraphrase of Caesar's statement:

   "Veni, Vidi, Vici" ("I Came, I Saw, I Conquered")

   The modern Latin paraphrase is:  "Veni, Vidi, Visa"

And with that, we usher in the next in a long series of Internet
bumper-sticker collections (as is typical for the long lists in
.sig collections, I'll simply summarize the contributions):

Paul in Kingskerswell, UK: "More Sigs"

Anonymous (probably sent the submission to "owner-humornet"; please
don't do that): "Another Rejected State Motto"

Felix in Switzerland: "Still MORE Sigs"

Don in Tampa, Florida: "Brewing and Nuking"

Joseph in/near Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania: "Right-Wing Commentary,
College-Student Style"

Barbara in Maryland: "View From The Left"

William in/near Lafayette, New Jersey: "Realism"

Todd S.: "Putting It Into Perspective"

Allen in Moorestown, New Jersey: "Romance vs. Reality"

"Elycion," the Linux-based server that hosts HumourNet's Web and FTP
sites, takes credit for this one (Note: Alan Skelley, the site admin,
will be accepting for Elycion here): "Free Counseling, c/o the U.S.
Government"

Gerry in Prince George, Canada: "Deep Thoughts"

Laura in Albuquerque, New Mexico: "Mixing Cliches"

Shawn King in Vancouver, Canada: "Morality" and "Bumper Stickers
We'd Like to See" (never expected to see Shawn's name on a piece
entitled "Morality," did you? ;-)

Brian in St. Louis, Missouri: "Another Perspective"

There ya have it -- tag-line fodder for all those anemic .sig
folders. (Have at it!)

Huge thanks to all our contributors! Enjoy ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: More Sigs

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

43% of all statistics are useless

Write all complaints legibly in this space -> []

The bugs will go away when you turn off the computer!

Help: It said 'Insert disk no.3', but only two will fit

Shh! Be vewy, vewy qwiewet! I'm hunting wuntime ewwors

Optimist: A YUGO owner

I'm not paranoid! Which one of my enemies told you that?

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

WYTYSYDG - What You Thought You Saw You Didn't Get

Thesaurus: Ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary
(Brian in Ferguson, Missouri, adds "also known as 'Synonymous Rex'")

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Change is inevitable... except from a vending machine.

If at first you don't succeed, call the author

I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk somewhere!

I've got a...uh...uh...Oh yeah -- a photographic memory!

"Press SPACEBAR once to quit or twice to save changes..."

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

The cost of feathers has risen... Now even down is up!

Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Another Rejected State Motto

Arizona: It's Not the Heat, It's the Stupidity

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Still MORE Sigs

IBM isn't really that bad. In fact, they only have two problems:
Their hardware and their software.

[Editor's Note: At Microsoft, it's only their software. ;-) </vs>]

Every titanic has its iceberg.

"The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used
to be."
-- Paul Valery

%SYSTEM-W-TMNYFNGRS, too many fingers on keyboard
%SYSTEM-W-MONDYMRNG, monday morning
%SYSTEM-F-GETACLUE, user doesn't know what he's doing

[Editor's Note: You might have to be VMS compliant to really
appreciate those. </vs>]

The hen is the egg's way of making another egg

"No keyboard; press F1 to continue"

Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
everything else follows in the same way.
-- Alan J. Perlis

"Marriage is probably the main cause of divorce."
-- Frank Burns

Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I asked myself,
"Where the h*ll is my roof?"

"If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, then it's good enough
for me."
-- Arkansas congressman to Joint National Committee on Language

[Editor's Note: Those Arkansas politicians are so *gosh darned*
SMART.... </vs>]

"Press button to test..." ::CLICK:: "Release to detonate."

Never trust a computer you can't lift.
-- Stan Masor

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Brewing and Nuking

Homebrewing: The only sport open exclusively to anal-retentive
alcoholics.

Nuke the gay whales and baby seals for Jesus.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Right-Wing Commentary, College-Student Style

One of my favorite [bumper stickers] was "I ACCELERATE for liberals."
I was going to put it on my front bumper if I ever got hold of one.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: View From The Left

Another similarity is that Rush Limbaugh and Barney are both purple
-- or would be if someone had the good sense to wrap some piano wire
around Rush's neck.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Realism

Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they shall not be
disappointed.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Putting It Into Perspective

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Romance vs. Reality

Love is blind, but lust is in full focus.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Free Counseling, c/o the U.S. Government

Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.

[Editor's Note: "CIA" is used correctly here, since Elycion is in
Canada. If you live in the U.S., however, you should call the FBI
for this information. Ask Hillary -- she'll know how to get it for
you. :-) </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Deep Thoughts
Excerpted from "Confusion Says: The Collected Sayings, Musings,
Thoughts And Nonsense of a Modern, Paranoid, Schizophrenic,
Introverted Yahoo. Also Known As Gerry," by Gerry Harris

I am proud to say I am a self made man.
I just wish I had read the instructions more carefully.

If movies use sound effects to seem more real,
why doesn't reality have more sound effects?

I doubt therefore I might be.

Schizophrenia beats the heck out of being alone.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Mixing Cliches
Excerpted from the Mensa Bulletin

A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Morality

If electricity is produced by electrons,
Is morality produced by morons?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Bumper Stickers We'd Like to See

I love animals--they taste great.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

We have enough youth--how about a fountain of SMART?

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If you are psychic--think "HONK."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Another Perspective

Lord, Grant me the
    Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    Courage to change the things I can, and
    Wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because
     they p*ssed me off.

(Dan in San Francisco adds this trailer to the Serenity Prayer...)

And also help me to be careful
  of the toes I step on today,
As they may be connected to the butt
  that I might have to kiss tomorrow.

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