Collage 306               H u m o u r N e t               24 OCT 96

While listening to the radio recently, I heard a DJ lamenting the
impatience of drivers in D.C. (heh -- she should try New York!), and
how quick they are to lean on the horn if you don't move fast enough
when the traffic light turns green. And I realized that this is not
impatience on the part of the driver in the other car. Let's face
facts: The person behind her has had the time to (1) notice that the
traffic light has turned green, (2) notice that her car is not moving,
(3) notice that her brake light is still on, (4) conclude that she is
possibly deceased at the wheel, (5) remember that he has an 8:30
meeting, (6) think about the warm reception he received from the boss
the *last* time he was late, (7) decide that he has waited long enough,
(8) bring his hand to the horn, (9) activate said horn.

If you're still sitting there at the time the horn sounds, you
probably should consider paying a little better attention in life.

If this happens to you often enough that you feel compelled to
complain about it (especially on the air), then perhaps you should
find some alternate form of transportation. *Walking* might set a
comfortable pace for you.

Interestingly, the same morning that I heard the DJ's "impatient
drivers" lament, *this* story debuted in the Washington Globe...

<UPI News Wire>

Medical Industry Classifies New Reflexive Disorder
By Vince Sabio, Freelance Writer
HumourNet Communications, Ltd.

ATLANTA (UPI) -- If your first clue that the traffic light has
turned green is noticing that the person next to you has left
(and/or the person behind you is exercising his horn), then you
probably suffer from a recently-discovered debilitating disorder
associated with slow reflexes and reduced brain function.

Known as Slow-Reflex Disorder, or SRD, this disturbance of normal
brain operations is now believed to be the root cause of a wide
range of ailments, from abnormally slow reflex times to perhaps even
the irrational desire to hold public office.

If you believe you might be afflicted with SRD, then you should
realize that you're not alone -- according to a report that never
appeared in The New York Times, an estimated 3 million Americans
suffer from SRD. Many had no idea what the problem was until the
recent announcement of the disorder, to be published in this week's
edition of JAMA, the Journal of the American Medical Association.

"Sometimes, I'd just sit there for two or three cycles of the light
before I realized it was my turn to go," says Mrs. Marjorie Donaldsen
of Columbus Junction, Iowa. "People were constantly honking their
horns at me. For a while, I thought there might have been something
wrong with me. Now that SRD has been discovered, I know there's
something wrong with me."

For many people, though, it's not the stop-and-go of city driving
that provides the clue to their illness, but the faster-paced
environment of the open highway.

"I never realized that I drove abnormally," states Tim Weary of
Baltimore, Maryland, "I thought everyone drove 50 miles per hour in
the fast lane." Like Tim, many SRD sufferers don't realize that the
majority of traffic on the road is passing them at high speed. And
in its advanced stages, SRD even leads to an irrational desire to
drive in the far left lane (an affliction commonly known as "fast-lane
fixation"), creating a hazard for the rest of the traffic and placing
the SRD sufferers and their passengers in serious danger.

Fred Benson, an accident investigator with the National Transportation
Safety Board, says that the NTSB has been aware of the problem for
decades, but has not previously been able to do anything about it.
"Now that we know it's a medical disorder and not an inherent design
flaw in our country's roadway system, we can finally start working
toward a solution of the problem," he said in an interview with an
alleged journalist last week.

The solution to which Mr. Benson is referring involves treatment of
the individuals afflicted with SRD. Though the treatment is still
experimental -- and is never expected to be approved by the U.S.
Food and Drug Administration -- it has nevertheless demonstrated
reasonably good results in preliminary trials.

The preferred -- yet still controversial -- method of treatment for
SRD is surgical removal of the afflicted person's driver's license.
So far, the AMA reports a 100 percent patient survival rate with
this still-experimental surgical procedure.

Critics of the procedure, however, claim that, despite the high
survival rate, the treatment really only addresses a few of the
symptoms of SRD, and thus is not worth the risk. Apparently, many
sufferers who seek treatment find that, even after successful
surgery, they still make it all the way to the end of the end of the
supermarket check-out line before remembering to look for their
wallets or checkbooks.

Nevertheless, identifying and classifying this debilitating and
often dangerous disease is helping to move us in the right direction
toward successful treatment. Medical experts agree that a permanent
cure might be possible, but that it will still require several
generations to remove those elements from the gene pool.

Proponents of the experimental treatment claim that it's pretty much
a win-win situation, despite the obvious risks: By helping SRD
sufferers recognize the cause of their problems, and by taking them
off the streets, we're removing significant sources of stress for
both the SRD sufferers and the rest of the driving population --
while simultaneously reducing commuter-hour traffic jams.

Benson closes with this positive note: "The NTSB believes that the
removal of SRD-afflicted drivers from our roads will not only reduce
traffic problems, but could also lead to a significant reduction in
signage along major roadways. 'Keep Right Except To Pass' and
'Slippery When Wet,' just to name a few, might become a thing of the
past."

And this, of course, reduces the cost of highway infrastructure,
which means a significant savings to taxpayers.

Thus, in the possible cure for SRD lies great hope for our commuting
future.

Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio, HumourNet Communications Ltd.
All Rights Reserved; permission granted to forward or post this
article, provided that the by-line (above) and this copyright
statement are included.

</UPI News Wire>

Interesting article. Answers a *lot* of questions. And so does the
first piece in today's Collage, "Auto Acronyms Explained," submitted
by Diane in Laurel, Maryland (with assists from Eric, Drew, Khila,
and Terry).

"Reasons to Buy a New Car" comes to us from Richard in Phoenix -- and
though it was not submitted with the proper credit (not that that's
necessarily Richard's fault), it *does* now contain the proper credit
to its originating source: Chris White's "Top Five" mailing list.
(*Please* be sure to retain all author/source credits when submitting
material!)

Rolf in Solna, Sweden, brings us some "Big Rig Tailgate Humor" (with
assists from Hank, Trevor, and Bruce).

And Chris in New York kicks things off with awesome piece, "The
Shotgun Rules."

Another piece that was simply too long to fit in the Collage has been
posted to the Colossal Humor Page (HumourNet's Web site; see trailer
in this Collage) and to the FTP site:

<ftp://ftp.humournet.com//pub/HumourNet/jitney.txt>

This piece was contributed to HumourNet by Stephen in South Africa,
and is a "fairly good description of taxi behaviour in Johannesburg."

I think that this is now the first "Driving and Auto Humor" Collage.
Many thanks to our contributors.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The Shotgun Rules

The rules listed below apply to the calling of Shotgun (the
passenger seat) in an automobile. These rules are definitive and
binding.

Section I: The Basic Rules

1. In order to call Shotgun, the caller must pronounce the word
"Shotgun" in a clear voice. This call must be heard and acknowledged
by the driver. The other occupants of the vehicle need not hear the
call as long as the driver verifies the call.

2. Shotgun may only be called if all occupants of the vehicle are
outside and on the way to said vehicle.

3. Early calls are strictly prohibited. Shotgun may only be called
while walking toward the vehicle and only applies to the drive
immediately forthcoming. Shotgun can never be called while inside a
vehicle or still technically on the way to the first location. For
example, one can not get out of a vehicle and call Shotgun for the
return journey.

4. The driver has final say in all ties and disputes. The driver
has the right to suspend or remove all shotgun privileges from one
or more persons.

Section II: Special Cases

These special exceptions to the rules above should be considered in
the order presented; the case listed first will take precedence
over any of the cases beneath it, when applicable.

1. In the instance that the normal driver of a vehicle is drunk or
otherwise unable to perform his/her duties as driver, then he/she is
automatically given Shotgun.

2. If the instance that the person who actually owns the vehicle is
not driving, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless
he/she declines.

3. In the instance that the driver's spouse, lover, partner, or
hired prostitute for the evening is going to accompany the group,
then that person is automatically given Shotgun, unless she declines.

4. In the instance that one of the passengers may become so ill
during the course of the journey that the other occupants feel
he/she will toss his/her cookies, then the ill person should be
given Shotgun to make appropriate use of the window.

5. In the instance that only one person knows how to get to a given
location and this person is not the driver, then as the designated
navigator for the group he/she automatically gets Shotgun, unless
he/she decline.

6. In the instance that one of the occupants is too wide or tall to
fit comfortably in the back seat, then the driver may show mercy and
award Shotgun to the genetic misfit. Alternatively, the driver and
other passengers may continually taunt the poor fellow as they make
a three hour trip with him crammed in the back.

Section III: The Survival-of-the-Fittest Rule

1. If the driver so wishes, he/she may institute the Survival of
the Fittest Rule on the process of calling Shotgun. In this case
all rules, except I-4, are suspended, and the passenger seat is
occupied by whomever can take it by force.

2. The driver must announce the institution of the Survival of the
Fittest Rule with reasonable warning to all passengers. This clause
reduces the amount of blood lost by passengers and the damage done
to the vehicle.

Please follow the above rules to the best of your ability. If there
are any arguments or exceptions not covered in these rules, please
refer to rule I-4.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Auto Acronyms Explained!

AUDI
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Bimbette Motor Weapon
Break My Window
Bad Motor Works

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
D*mn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation

FORD
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
Found On Russian Dump
backward: Driver Returns On Foot

FORD LTD
Found On Road Disabled, Left To Die

GM
General Maintenance
Great Mistake

GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA
Had One Never Did Again

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

MITSUBISHI
Made In Taiwan, Subassembled Under British Influence, Shipped Here
  Incomplete

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late
  Everywhere
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular
  Leftover Equipment

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Reasons to Buy a New Car
From the "Top Five List," top5@walrus.com, <http://www.topfive.com/>

15. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic
Places.

14. Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopie cushion taped to your
steering wheel.

13. Stench from bodies in trunk becoming unbearable.

12. You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.

11. 15-Minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car 3 days.

10. Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to take "The Club."

9. When you gas up, the attendant asks "Can I re-duct-tape that
windshield for you?"

8. While waiting at stop light, people run up asking if anyone was
hurt.

7. You never seem to get an answer at the AMC Gremlin help desk.

6. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom
vroom" noises while sitting in the driveway.

5. Keep losing dates on left turns.

4. Your gas gauge measures in cubits.

3. Traffic reporters starting to refer to you by name when
discussing morning tie-ups.

2. Hasn't been the same since Hugh Grant borrowed it.

1. Your tires are balding faster than Michael Bolton.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Big Rig Tailgate Humor

This particular bumper-sticker campaign has been observed on the
backs of 18 wheelers. The bumper stickers are placed in pairs on
the right- and left-hand sides of the trailer's rear, to help
encourage drivers approaching from behind to observe good traffic
practices by passing on the left, not the right.

      <<              >>

      pass            fail

      right           wrong

      to be           not to be

      the good        the bad and the ugly

      the ecstasy     the agony

      go ahead        make my day

      live            die

      pass            pass on

      fast drivers    half-fast drivers

      overtakers      undertakers

      passing side    suicide

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</collage306>