Collage 307               H u m o u r N e t               26 OCT 96

It's true! Bob Dole loves us:

"Bob Dole says that the HumourNet mailing list is one of the
funniest things he's ever seen. Furthermore, Bob Dole says that
every American should have access to this kind of humor." -- Bob
Dole, during speech to the American Humorists' Guild, October 1996.

Okay, so it's not true. I've waited this entire campaign, amassing
a huge stockpile of political humor, all the while hoping that
*something* interesting would happen so I'd be able to crank out a
suitable opener.

Well, it didn't, and thus I had to fabricate a quote.

Welcome to Campaign 1996 -- the "golf tournament" of Presidential
races -- where the single greatest viewer accomplishment is staying
awake.

Bored? No surprise. Just look at our choices ...

First, there's the incumbent, President Clinton. Personally, I
can't see how anyone could possibly elect her to a second term. The
one on the ticket, however, is Billy Boy. Several people have
suggested that Bill has really grown in the job. On closer
inspection, I really must agree; apparently, his dietitian isn't
doing his job.

Then there's Bob Dole, who has all the pizzazz of a pineapple. Oh,
sure, he's *very* patriotic -- after all, he's one of the original
signers of the Declaration of Independence. However, he died
several years after the Civil War, though apparently no one has
noticed that yet -- including Bob. My Republican friends tell me
that Dole has a high level of integrity. Well, of course he does:
Dead men tell no lies.

My single greatest fear this election year is that one of the
candidates might win. <g>

Then there were those exciting debates. The contrast between the two
Presidential candidates was quite pronounced: I'd like to say that
Dole spoke honestly, but he didn't construct a single complete
sentence, so it was difficult to judge. Bill, OTOH, constructed very
elaborate, remarkably complete lies.

And the first piece in this Collage, "Secret Debate Transcripts,"
covers the debates in a little greater detail than I could -- since
I fell asleep shortly after each one commenced. "Secret Debate
Transcripts" comes to us from Steve Willoughby's Oracle Service 
Humor List; since Steve gave HumourNet quite a plug this week (thanks
Steve!), I'd like to return the favor here. Oracle Service is easily
the single best store-and-forward style (non-digest) humor list on
the 'Net; to subscribe, send a message with only the word SUBSCRIBE
in the body of the message to "humour-list-request@lists.synapse.net".
It's a little on the high-volume side, but it's a top-notch service.

The second piece in Collage 307, "Commemorative Bonds," comes to us
from Neil in Acton, Massachusetts.

Steve in Oxnard, California, contributes "What Part DID You Visit?";

Warren in England sends "Keeping the Fire Burning";

Brad in Salt Lake City contributes "Stupid Questions";

Marc in Maryland provides us with some "Political Dealing";

Janet in Edmonton, Canada, sends "Cutting Both Ways";

"Top Ten Dick Morris Excuses" comes to us from JD in New Jersey;

Randy Cassingham of "This is True" fame (another excellent list; see
your HumourNet "Welcome" message for subscription details) sends us
some "Late-Breaking Political News";

Lenore in Virginia Beach, Virginia, sends the "Election Year Dirty
Trick?" piece;

Leo in Massachusetts contributes the hysterical piece, "Still Hope
For Ross Perot";

and Matt in Maryland finishes the set with "Putting It In The Best
Light."

Also, I've received permission to post a very amusing copyrighted
piece. For everyone who is a little confused about just what was
*really* intended by the Bill of Rights, we now have the "Bill of
No Rights":

<ftp://ftp.humournet.com//pub/HumourNet/bill_of_no_rights.txt>

This piece, authored by Lewis Napper, is utterly hysterical, and
well worth the look. It appears on the Colossal Humor Page (our Web
site), as well: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>.

Huge thanks to all our contributors. Enjoy!

And try to stay awake for the election ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Secret Debate Transcripts
By Nora Cody

Transcript of the 3rd debate between President Clinton and Senator
Dole (never before released to the public):

Question: "What can you do about the rain? I live in Seattle and
it rained way too much last year."

Clinton: "What's your name, dear?"

Questioner: "Jeannette"

Clinton: "Well, Jeannette, I'm glad you asked that question. Last
year, rainfall on average was down 3%. In Seattle, it rained 6.5%
less than the previous year. If you'll give me four more years, we
can bring it down some more.

"Under George Bush, both rain and snow increased nationwide. Newt
Gingrich and Bob Dole proposed extensive cuts in my weather
management program -- cuts that would have left families like yours
paddling through floodwaters and slogging through snow. We have a
plan to not only reduce rain, but to attack the persistent problems
of sleet and hail as well. If you'll give me a chance, we can join
hands and stroll across a sunny bridge to the 21st century. Thank
you."

Dole: "There he goes again, Jeannette. Taking credit for the
weather! That's just like that other thing -- last year, during the
Congressional session -- wanted to grab credit for that plan we were
pushing . . . Well, anyway, let me tell you what I'll do about
the rain.

We've got a tax plan that will result in real changes in your life.
Tax credits to those companies that seed the clouds will bring about
a real boost in rainfall where we really need it, like in Russell
Kansas. I'm from Russell, Kansas. When I was a boy, there was no
rain. We ate dust for breakfast. Didn't mind, still don't. There
was a time I couldn't even get myself dressed in the morning. I got
over that, and you can too."

Next question: "I want the new Nintendo for Christmas, and my Dad
told me that the store is already sold out. But I want it! I want
Nintendo!!"

Dole: "Young man, how old are you?"

Questioner: "Six."

Dole: "Well, youngsters such as this fellow often make good points.
Points about our great American capitalist system. Unfortunately,
under President Clinton and his democratic cronies our
competitiveness in the electronics and toy industries has greatly
declined. Do you think those Japanese kids have trouble getting
Nintendo at Christmas time? No sir.

"Let me tell you a story. When I was a boy, we didn't even have
television. Instead, I worked hard in the fields. In Russell,
Kansas, where I was raised. We would have been happy with an orange
for Christmas. Today's children need to appreciate what they have."

Clinton: "What's your name, son?"

Questioner: "Zachary."

Clinton: "Zachary, I feel your pain and frustation. Why (chuckles)
I still remember my joy at finding that Radio Flyer wagon under the
Christmas tree when I was six years old. You should get your
Nintendo. In fact, every young person in America who wants Nintendo
should have it, along with access to the Internet. If we don't get
these kids logged on to the information highway of the 21st century,
we're doing them a grave disservice. If you'll give me four more
years, Zachary, I'll make sure that every child has all the
technology they want."

At this point the debate was forced to an early conclusion as
Clinton and Dole simultaneously rushed to hug/shake hands with
(respectively) Zachary, knocking one another to the ground in the
process.

[Editor's Note: Kathy in Alhambra, California -- who says she once
"dreamed she was Bob Dole, but awoke to find that she had merely
fallen asleep on her arm," adds an insightful variation on the
closer for this piece: "This could *never* have happened, Vince.
Surely Clinton would have rushed to hug Jeannette, the airhead from
Seattle, leaving Dole a clear path to the kid." Good one. :-) </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Commemorative Bonds

With the success of Post Office sales of commemorative stamps, the
Treasury Department has decided to issue commemorative US Bonds.

The first series is to commemorate the '96 presidential election;
the initial offerings are:

    The Gingrich bond, featuring no maturity.
    The Clinton bond, featuring no principle.
    The Dole bond, featuring no interest.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: What Part DID You Visit?

In his citizen-candidate quest for the White House, Republican
challenger Bob Dole has made a number of unusual (for him) stops
along the way, including a NASCAR race in North Carolina and the NBA
playoff games. Tuesday night, after dancing the polka briefly at a
Slovenia Independence festival, Dole attended a private GOP
reception at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum in Cleveland.

Later, a reporter asked what Dole's favorite rock group is, drawing
a momentary blank look from the 72-year-old candidate.

After a pause, Dole replied: "Oh, we didn't visit that part."

--Times Washington Bureau

[Editor's Note: Of *course* they didn't visit that part! They "Glenn
Miller Band" section is all the way at the back. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Keeping the Fire Burning

From Tom Fitzgerald's _San_Francisco_Chronicle_ column "Top of the
Sixth":

The Olympic torch spent last night on the White House lawn. "To
keep it from going out, Bill and Hillary spent all night throwing
old files onto the flame."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Stupid Questions

Bumper sticker seen recently:

"If Clinton was the answer then it must have been a pretty stupid
question."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Political Dealing

I have been thinking that I would make a proposition to my
Republican friends.... That if they will stop telling lies about
the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.
-- Adlai E. Stevenson

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Cutting Both Ways

Jay Leno did a joke about Roger Stone this week (the Republican
campaign advisor who was looking for a man/couples to join him and
his wife for a good time).

After playing up the joke, Leno said, "Do you want to know how the
Democrats discovered it? Clinton *answered* the ad!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top Ten Dick Morris Excuses
Apparently from David Letterman, 9/2/96

10. Shouldn't have listened to new campaign advisor Hugh Grant

9. Was courting the often-neglected "Hooker demographic"

8. After a day of being a two-faced political weasel, a fella gets
awful lonely

7. Thought she was just there to show him how to use the hotel's
Craftmatic adjustable bed

6. Misunderstood when President Clinton asked him to "poll some
women"

5. Didn't pay for sex -- paid for excellent ideas on foreign policy

4. For a brief moment, got confused and thought he was the
President

3. Just trying to win key endorsement from Charlie Sheen

2. Used the old formula: Marion Barry and hookers = re-election

1. Always thought it was okay to screw a taxpayer

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Late-Breaking Political News

Security is tight at the White House in preparation for the arrival
of the freshly divorced and extremely eligible Princess Diana.
Diana will be visiting the White House and attending a star-studded
fund-raiser in Washington. To ensure her safety, President Clinton
will be locked in his room until she has left the country.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

The wife of former Clinton advisor Dick Morris said this week that
she has no plans to leave or divorce her husband, but doesn't know
where she'll be "in six months." Morris is working to finish a book
which will earn him at least $3 million when it is published in
November. Hmmm, after attorney's fees, what's $3 million divided by
two?

[Editor's Note: About $35. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Election Year Dirty Trick?

Doctors are working on a new hypo-allergenic, non-carcinogenic
material for breast implants, made from vegetable oils.

The Democrats are concerned that the research could be a Republican
dirty trick in this election year. Nothing could be more dangerous
to Clinton than a woman with large breasts who smells like a french
fry.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Still Hope For Ross Perot
By Jim Callen

Ross Perot can still win the Presidency -- there's one thing he can
say that people will believe coming from him, that they would not
believe if it came from Clinton or Dole. A single, short phrase
that will bring the biggest voter turnout in history; he'd win by a
landslide.

If Ross Perot were to purchase some TV time and tabloid space,
and say, "If you elect me president, I'll tell you if the government
knows anything about aliens! We'll take a camera crew into area 51!
We'll have charts and graphs to show how often aliens have visited
the planet through recorded history! I want to do this, but I can't
do it if I'm not in office."

Can you imagine all the people who normally don't vote, who would
turn out for this? Those in the South, in California, and maybe
even in Cleveland would suddenly have incentive to go to the polls.
He'd win by an impressive margin.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Putting It In The Best Light

Q: How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five thousand, four hundred and forty six

   14 White House aides to appear on the Sunday morning news shows
   denying that the bulb is burned out.

   8 White House aides to blame the previous administration

   4 major news anchors to call the Republicans mean-spirited.

   243 children to stand behind Clinton as he explains the impact of
   burned out bulbs on our children and how the mean-spirited
   Republicans want our children to grow up in darkness

   1 first lady to say the changing of the light bulb takes a village.

   9 Hollywood stars to testify as experts because they played a
   movie role in which they changed light bulbs.

   15 White House spin doctors to put the best light on it.

   103 US Representatives to tell us that only Washington D.C.
   really knows how to change a light bulb.

   1 President to tell us that he feels our darkness and has 18 new
   federal programs to prevent burned out light bulbs, and that he
   has vivid memories of black light bulbs burning out during his
   childhood in Arkansas.

   42 cruise missiles to take the heat off the burned out bulb.

   1 campaign advisor to recommend the use of red light bulbs.

   1 Vice President to inform us of the environmental impact of
   changing a light bulb.

   2 White House advisors to devise a tax on those who are unfairly
   able to change their own light bulbs.

   1 Dead White House lawyer who can be blamed for anything that
   can't be pinned on the Republicans.

   1 White House ghost who can retrieve the light bulb files that no
   one else knows anything about.

   5,000 Bureaucrats to make sure that the bulb is changed
   correctly, doesn't offend anyone, doesn't impact the environment,
   doesn't unfairly benefit one group, doesn't harm anyone during
   the installation, and is up to 1945 specifications for light
   bulbs.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four hundred and seventy one:

   12 to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old
   bulb;

   23 to deregulate the light bulb industry;

   16 to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D;

   34 to cut the marginal tax rate on high-wattage light bulbs;

   9 to threaten trade sanctions if Germany and Japan don't start
   buying more 110-volt bulbs;

   53 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb;

   41 to chat with defense contractors about equipping everyone in
   the building with night-vision gear instead;

   And 283 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs,
   or screwing anything, on the Internet.

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