Collage 308               H u m o u r N e t               29 OCT 96

Sorry, but this is going to be something of a "budget" opener (*time*
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In case you're not already familiar with them, The Seeing Eye is a
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This is a rather non-controversial charitable organization, and one
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You can just send me an e-mail here at HQ HumourNet to let me know.

(The interested subscriber can refer to Collage 290 for the genesis
of this rather neat idea. I'd also like to thank Arthur in the U.K.
for suggesting it.)

Collage 308 is, appropriately, a "Miscellaneous Humor" Collage, with
thanks as follows:

Lenore in Virginia Beach, Virginia, takes credit for "The Red Shirt";

Brad in Wellington, New Zealand, sends "Boob Tube Barbie";

Anthony in Pleasanton, California, provides us with "Dragon Lady";

Brendon in Sydney, Australia, sends us "Babes Galore";

Leonard in Houston, Texas, contributes "Ooops!";

and Shawn King, the Bawdy.Net moderator (see your "Welcome" message
for instructions on subscribing to our sister list, "Bawdy.Net"),
sends along a seasonal piece, "Top 15 Vampire Complaints."

Another huge thanks to our contributors. Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The Red Shirt
Apparently by Dick Cavett

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew
were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became
frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red
shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt,
which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate
boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew,
the pirates were repelled.

The men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events
when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you
call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the
ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am
wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, and thus
you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence,
marveling at the courage of such a man.

The next morning, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate
vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the
captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" Once again,
the battle was on, and the Captain and his crew repelled both
boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that there were pirate
ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men
became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual
command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Boob Tube Barbie
By Greg Spring
From the LA Times Magazine
Reprinted w/o permission

The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch"
have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise.
After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with
flawless skins, Malibu tans, and synthetic breasts.

[Editor's Note: I assume there's a *problem* with that? ;-) </vs>]

If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain
to follow. Some possibilities:

Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream
Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free.
Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets and an
arrest warrant.

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other
homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use out on the
Plains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.

America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of
crime against feminism.

Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually
speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough
math class is, Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, and Kens
who wear Barbie's clothes.

My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular
teens who don't have huge wardrobes, pools, ponies, and perfect
bods.

Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored
with this doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from
high school, married too young and ate too much.

Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie
set (she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls
mysteriously disappear.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Dragon Lady

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to
a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon."

He knocked.

The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.

"Could ye spare some victuals?"

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she shouted.

"Could I at least use your privvy?"

"No!" she shouted again.

The vagabond said, "Might I please ...?"

"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Babes Galore

Heard this one on Sydney radio 2WS-FM last week after a discussion
about the birth of Madonna's baby:

Q: What do Heidi Fleiss and her father have in common?
A: They both deliver babes to Hollywood celebrities.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Ooops!

A guy calls home from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone whom I just
figured was her husband."

Now he guy is angry. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to
make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from the desk in the den and shoot that
witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a
a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What pool?"

"Uh... is this 832-4821?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top 15 Vampire Complaints
From the "Top Five List," top5@walrus.com, <http://www.topfive.com/>

15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.

14. NutraSweet(tm) or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.

13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.

12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time

11. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling,
"Look Ma! It's Elvis!"

10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find
clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.

9. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.

8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.

7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are
suddenly off-limits.

6. No warm blood for miles around DC.

5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.

4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.

3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized
"hardbodies."

2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.

1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.

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