Collage 310               H u m o u r N e t                5 NOV 96

And so we come to election day here in the United States. In less
than 24 hours, we'll have elected a President -- and each of us will
then spend the next four years denying that we ever voted for him.

Obviously, *Americans* aren't voting these people into office. The
votes must be coming from those foreign sources of campaign
contributions. After all, it's only fair.

There *is* a bright side to this election, though: Your HumourNet
Moderator has the chance to sweep an entire state's worth of
electoral votes. Way back, during Florida's primary election, Tom in
(or near) Jacksonville informed me that he voted for me as a write-in
candidate.

Well, let me assure you that a vote for Sabio is *not* a vote for
Bob Dole or Bill Clinton.

Unfortunately, exciting as the office would be, I really have my
hands full with HumourNet, and simply have no time to execute the
duties of the President. I really appreciate the thought though, Tom.

While we're on the subject of subscriber humor, I have a couple more
gems to share with you. First, Michael in North Carolina sums up my
opener in Collage 307 as follows:

    [This year's] election is between the evil of two lessers.
    
[Editor's Note, 8 Nov 96: This quote is apparently credited to
Michael Moore of the San Jose Mercury News. </vs>]

Just about the most accurate summary of this year's election that
I've seen so far.

And Jim in Los Angeles sends along this quip:

    Scientists have found evidence of life on Mars. The search
    for life in Bob Dole's campaign is still inconclusive.

He also sends along this news story:

<AP News Wire>

Visit Shuts Down Public Services in Orange County
By E. SCOTT RECKARD Associated Press Writer, 17 Oct 96

SANTA ANA, Calif. -- Leaders of heavily Republican Orange County
complained that President Clinton had virtually shut down public
services here in the county seat with his appearance Thursday.

More than four hours before Clinton's 10:30 a.m. appearance in
Santa Ana, police began closing off vehicle access to the Civic
Center, home to two courthouses and a variety of [other] buildings.

(Well, I can certainly understand why Clinton wouldn't want to be
too close to a court that's in session.)

In a memo, county Chief Executive Janice Mittermeier said the Secret
Service had ordered that no employees watch the appearance from the
roof or even look out any of the windows to see Clinton.

(Of course not; they might get a glimpse of the wizard who produces
all those really neat effects -- like the moving lips.)

Orange County had been known mainly as the affluent home to
Disneyland and Richard Nixon ...

(Why does the juxtaposition of those two names seem so appropriate?)

... until it became synonymous with fiscal recklessness after
filing the nations biggest municipal bankruptcy in December 1994.

(So was Clinton there for campaign purposes, or to serve as an
expert witness?)

</AP News Wire>

Alas, there is little hope at this point; recent poll results show
that one of the candidates is very likely to win. (*Which* one is
really immaterial.)

Clinton is losing his touch, though: According to a recent poll
conducted by "Seventeen" magazine, their readers would prefer to
elect comedienne Rosie O'Donnell over either of the candidates.

Let's face it: If a bunch of teenage girls aren't interested in him,
Clinton is definitely on his way down the charts. (Also: According
to an unreliable and wholly unsubstantiated rumor, they preferred
Bob Dole to Bill Clinton by a sizable margin, but only because they
felt that Dole could help them with their history homework.)

I can tell it's going to be a rough election day for me.

<g>

And so it is, once again, time to empty the political humor coffers:

Jim in Tracy, California, starts things off with the "Presidential
Rorschach Test" (Jim first gained fame somewhat anonymously in
Collage 227 by referring to me as a "pabulum puking liberal," a term
that has since become a staple item here on HumourNet);

Dr. Mike in Baltimore, Maryland, explains the difference between
"Politicians and Puppies";

Jeff in Parker, Colorado, amuses us with "Luckily, His Nose Isn't
Growing, As Well";

Leon in Iowa sends us the "Top Ten Ways Hillary Clinton Could
Improve Her Image";

Karen in Colorado Springs, Colorado, scores another with "REALLY Bad
Day";

Lynn in Silver Spring, Maryland, contributes some "Bill and Hillary
Humor";

Yvonne in Arlington, Virginia, contributes "The Top 13 Ways Ross
Perot Is Stretching His Campaign Budget";

Ray in Noel, Missouri, sends the "Political News Flash";

Michael in St. Paul, Minnesota, submits "Old Dog, New Tricks";

and Chris White, owner/moderator of the very popular "Top Five" list,
has to be the one to take credit for "The Top 17 Last-Ditch Campaign
Strategies of Bob Dole." (See the piece for information on the Top
Five" list.)

Another huge thanks to all our contributors. Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Presidential Rorschach Test
 
The president came out against same-sex marriage recently. 

He realized he had made a mistake, however. He thought he was
opposing getting married and having sex with the same person.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Politicians and Puppies

Q: What is the difference between a politician at the bottom of the
polls, and a puppy?
A: The puppy eventually stops whining.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Luckily, His Nose Isn't Growing, As Well ...

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so,
upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy
today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the
offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the
reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and
finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how
much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the
person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks
are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it
speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the
room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the
ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable
rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We
decided to use it as a fan."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top Ten Ways Hillary Clinton Could Improve Her Image
From David Letterman, 6/19/96

10. Stop telling the Whitewater prosecutor she's as innocent as O.J.

9. Make White House more eco-friendly by replacing fiberglass
insulation with shredded Whitewater documents

8. Series of daring gas station hold-ups across the Midwest

7. Gain sympathy by going public about her addiction to Dramamine

6. Sleep with Yeltsin, weasel all sorts of classified information
out of him.

5. Go away for about ten to twelve years

4. Become celebrity spokesperson for Sara Lee, because nobody
doesn't like Sara Lee

3. Watch what Marge Schott does. Do opposite

2. Change middle name "Rodham" to "Rodman" and dye hair red, white
and blue

1. Four words: Hillary and the Blowfish

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: REALLY Bad Day

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentally fell from a
bridge into a very cold river.

Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a
second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet
president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the
United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give
it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful
defender of the Western Hemisphere.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"

"No -- but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from
drowning."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Bill and Hillary Humor

Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them
tonight's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.

"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says.

The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?"

"Oh, HE'll have the fish," Hillary replies.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A. The nation.

Q. What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a
dishonest lawyer?
A. Chelsea!

Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Top 13 Ways Ross Perot Is Stretching His Campaign Budget
From the "Top Five List," top5@walrus.com, <http://www.topfive.com/>

13. 30-minute infomercials: 15 minutes on economic policies, 15
minutes on The Amazing Abdomenizer.

12. Now charges regular mechanic rates for "getting under the hood
to see what's wrong."

11. Declared every registered voter in the country as part of his
"Friends & Family."

10. Found plenty of loose $1000 bills searching under couch
cushions at home.

9. "Big sucking sound" is campaign headquarters moving to Tijuana.

8. That Nike logo tattoo on his ear brought in a cool million.

7. Only campaigning in the 37 states where he owns one or more
Fortune 500 companies.

6. "Forgot" to tell confused Admiral Stockdale to stop campaigning.

5. Getting free TV exposure by standing outside the Today Show
window.

4. Switched from Gigantic Freak Size Q-Tips to Regular Size.

3. Saves airfare by having supporters carry him state-to-state
piggyback.

2. Sold all his shoe lifts to George Stephanopoulos.

1. Reluctantly accepted campaign contribution from the American
Society for Short, Tyrannical, Weasely Little Guys.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Political News Flash

Washington, D.C. (AP) -- Bill Clinton has looked at the polls, and
decided he's so far ahead he can resume dating.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Old Dog, New Tricks
Excerpted from the Oct 96 Wired, pg 48

"We all know that Bob Doll is clueless. But sometimes he goes out
of his way to prove it. Questioned about the benefits of using the
Net in that paragon of intellectual journalism, 'Yahoo! Internet
Life,' Dole responded with this gem: 'The Internet is a good tool
to use to get on the Net.'"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Top 17 Last-Ditch Campaign Strategies of Bob Dole
From the "Top Five List," top5@walrus.com, <http://www.topfive.com/>

17. Has Liddy toss in a free pint of blood with every Dole vote.

16. Get Russell, Kansas, to hold a bake sale and tractor raffle.

15. "Ms. Flowers, this is Bob Dole..."

14. Asks Clinton to drop out of the race so Dole has a chance
against Perot.

13. Checks with the Joint Chiefs of Staff on the possibility of a
military coup.

12. Releases doctored footage showing him catching that foul ball
in the playoffs.

11. Appeals to "soccer moms" by donning Valderrama wig and
providing free Gatorade for remainder of campaign.

10. Uses Senate influence to ram through a Constitutional amendment
raising minimum age for President to 70.

9. In addition to the 15% tax cut for every American, also promises
a 15% hair cut.

8. Bribes Chelsea with a Porsche and a case of wine coolers for an
endorsement.

7. Cruises Sunset Boulevard at 2:00 a.m. in desperate try for his
own $25 media blitz.

6. Claims mean-spirited twin "Doug" locked him in basement and
claimed his identity for last 40 years.

5. Digs through the Rolodex for that Gilooly kid's number.

4. Legally changes his name to "Bob Clinton."

3. Promises to name Snoop Doggie Dogg "Gangsta of State."

2. Out: Jack Kemp. In: Tom Hanks.

1. New campaign slogan: "Vote Dole in '96, get Kemp in '97!"

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