Collage 311               H u m o u r N e t                7 NOV 96

<announcements>

I recently announced that the HumourNet Archives are available in
"Zipped" (compressed) format. They still are, for a short time (and
I'd like to thank Warren once again for zipping them for me).
However, I plan to migrate the Zip format over to a "StuffIt" format;
StuffIt is Mac native, and allows me to create and update the archive
myself. (A rather important feature, especially considering that the
contents of the entire Zip archive are already outdated.)

The URL for StuffIt-compressed Collages 1-99 is:

<ftp://ftp.humournet.com//pub/HumourNet/Compressed_Archives/
StuffIt_Format/COLL000.SIT>

Replace "000" with "100" for Collages 100-199, and "200" for
Collages 200-299. (This is a different structure than that of the
Zip files, but I think it's less confusing for most people.)

The humor archives are also available in StuffIt format:

<ftp://ftp.humournet.com//pub/HumourNet/Compressed_Archives/
StuffIt_Format/HUMOUR-A.SIT>

Finally, Windows and DOS users will need to acquire StuffIt Expander
for their platforms to be able to decompress the files. There is a
ReadMe in the Compressed_Archives directory that explains everything
you'll need to know to acquire the new applications; it has all the
relevant URLs, including those for Mac users who (for some reason)
might not have copies of StuffIt Expander:

<ftp://ftp.humournet.com//pub/HumourNet/Compressed_Archives/ReadMe>

Note, BTW, that StuffIt Expander is freeware (for all platforms), so
there is no fee for DLing it and/or using it.

I also forgot to mention in Collage 310 that there are two new
political-type pieces on the Colossal Humor Page and in the FTP
archive:

<ftp://ftp.humournet.com//pub/HumourNet/three_liberal_pigs.txt>
<ftp://ftp.humournet.com//pub/HumourNet/republicanism.txt>

And speaking of the Colossal Humor Page, we have received yet another
"Cool Pick of the Day" award:

<http://www.free-n-cool.com/coolest/wprev.html>

Big thanks to Free-n-Cool for their good taste. <g>

</announcements>

The most recent "Stupid People" Collage (Collage 301) resulted in
probably the single largest series of contributions I have ever
received in response to an individual Collage; I now have more
"Stupid People" material than I know what to do with. (Thus, as
always, if your contribution doesn't appear here, don't fret; it'll
probably be included in one of the 700 or so upcoming "Stupid People"
collections. ;-)

Typically, when someone sends along a contribution, he includes a
short note to introduce the piece, or provide background information,
etc. One of the contributions I received recently, from "Alan" (not
the Alan appearing in Collage 311), contained this introductory note:

    I must have missed the solicitation for stupidity....

Um, I'd consider that to be a *good* thing, Alan. ;-)

Another great contribution was submitted by Randy Cassingham (see
your Welcome message for details on Randy's "This is True" list --
highly recommended), from, as he puts it, the "people are amazing"
department (this was excerpted from an aviation forum; the only info
I have on the author is his first name, "Bill"):

    "I was once sailing a radio-controlled boat model on a local
    lake.  A bystander came up and asked questions about it, and
    the R/C system was no particular surprise to him.  Then he
    said 'What kind of motor does it have?' I started to explain
    about servomotors, and he interrupted, 'No, I mean to make it
    go.' 'It has sails,' I said.  He replied, 'Yes, but it's only
    a MODEL.'

    "But the best question I ever got was from a Lubbock TV
    reporter at a soaring contest in Littlefield, Texas;  [he]
    stuck a camera in my face and said, 'Without an engine, how do
    you come down?'"

This reminds me of a question once asked of me by a first-jump
accelerated-freefall student. (I'm a part-time skydiving instructor,
BTW.) While discussing the flow of the dive -- which includes having
the student read off the altitude to the jumpmasters -- a member of
the Future Rocket Scientists of America endeavored to inquire, "But
why is it important for me to know my altitude?"

("And this chick's gonna make a *skydive*?")

I responded, "It's only important if you're planning on doing this
a second time." She seemed to be the only one in the class who didn't
understand the joke; I think she wasn't actually *planning* on a
second jump at that point.

Another great question was asked once while I was training a class on
how to exit the aircraft -- the student takes a poised stance between
two jumpmasters, and waits for them to signal him to start his exit
count. While practicing this sequence, one of the students asked, "If
I fall off the aircraft, should I just go ahead and start skydiving?"

And they wonder why I love this job so much.

Given the amount of work required, some people wonder why I love
the HumourNet Moderator job so much, too. Well, it is because of
collections like these and the amusement that *I* get from them
that I find moderating HumourNet to be so darned much fun. And this
collection certainly is a good one:

Leon in Iowa helps us identify "Stealth Intelligence";

Chris in Honolulu, Hawaii <jealousy tag>, submits the piece "Do They
Protect Interstates, Too?";

Jane in Decatur, Georgia, assumes responsibility for "I Guess That
Makes Her a Star, Then";

David in Vancouver, British Columbia (Canada), contributes "Shining
Star, Take 2";

Sheila in Richmond, Virginia, sends us an example of "Clever
Planning";

Gerald in Providence, Rhode Island, takes kudos for "Auto Ballet";

Alan in Israel provides another proof of Darwinism with "Darwin
Always Wins in the End";

and Mark in Willoughby Hills, Ohio, sends us an example of "Broad
Vocabulary."

Another big thanks to all our contributors. At some point, I hope to
find the time to compile all these into a "Stupid People" page on the
HumourNet Web site.

In the meantime ... Enjoy! And be glad that none of these stories is
about you. (Or, if it is, *please* don't tell me so. ;-)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Stealth Intelligence

In the 80's, a [local] radio station had a couple of DJs who claimed
the stealth fighter had landed at the Mt. Joy airport in Mt. Joy,
Iowa. This is used mainly be the weekend warriors, and once a year
it's used for an air show. The authorities were notified after an
estimated *10,000* people came to the airport. They asked the
people why they were out there, and they were given the story about
the stealth fighter.

The authorities then called the FBI, who talked to the FAA, who
called the FBI back. The two DJs got yanked off the air and
suspended for two weeks -- but not before some people at the
airport, armed with cell phones, called into the station, got put on
the air, and said that they couldn't see the thing. The DJs replied
that it was proof the technology worked.

*To top it all off*: the DJs said the only way that you could see
the plane was to move your head back and fourth -- like a chicken
when it walks -- and try to catch a glimpse out of the corner of
your eye. They stated that if you looked right at it, you would
never see it. This was believed and a majority of the people were
doing just this when the police arrived!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Do They Protect Interstates, Too?
By JD Robinson in Florida

>From the "Say What?" file -- true story: I'm taking two classes
this semester, one of which is Public Policy. Our professor is an
adjunct; nice lady, tries too hard. Anyway, a few weeks ago, we're
covering a chapter on environmental politics, and she casts an
overhead with facts and figures on some of the more powerful
environmental lobbying groups. Among them is the Audubon Society.
If you do not know what the Audubon Society is, then stop reading.

So one of the students asks, "What is the Audubon Society?" (Bird
watchers, if you ignored my previous instructions.) To which the
professor replies:

"I don't know, I think it's a group to protect that road in
Germany."

It hits me like a spear. "She did not just say that, did she?" I
think to myself. I look up -- and she's *serious*.

"That's Auto-BAHN, not Audubon!" I reply, only to be drowned out by
the chorus of students in the back who are either laughing or
yelling, "Birds! Birds!"

"What?" she says.

I reply, "It's a group organized for the protection of birds."

She stays silent for a moment, then responds, "Well, what kind of
bird is an audubon, is it a spotted owl or something?"

I swear to God -- true story.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: I Guess That Makes Her a Star, Then

I once had a roommate who, when I told her that the sun was a star,
said, "How can it be? It's so much brighter than the stars."

On last report, my roommate was a teacher.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Shining Star, Take 2

We were traveling in Southern Europe with a tour group, among them
several older Texan school instructors.

One day when our bus drove past a large field of sunflowers, one of
the ladies turned to the teacher from our group, Susan, and said,
"Susan, why do you think all them flowers are facing the same way?"

Susan replied, "Well plants like light so they face toward the sun."

Then she asked, "Well what direction is the sun?"

"Well its about nine in the morning right now so the sun must be in
the east," replied Susan patiently.

"You mean the sun rises in the east and sets in the west here too?!"

And this lady is a school teacher!

[Editor's Note: I'm seeing a disturbing "teacher' pattern developing
here.... Forget whether Johnny can read or not; at least now we know
why he's so goshdarned *confused*. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Clever Planning

I work in the Information Systems Department of an electric utility
that should probably remain nameless to protect us from our
competition. The company has a large number of engineers among its
employees and a few of these engineers have become icons in the
Information Systems Department.

A project was started last year to develop a web site for the
company, and several sessions were held to brainstorm about what
information and services could be offered through the web page. The
now-classic engineering response was to provide customers the
ability to report power outages.

It could happen if we could sell all our customers UPSs first.

[Editor's Note: It's actually pretty ingenious -- they should
probably sell 'Net access, as well. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Auto Ballet

I was leaving for work one morning (I'm a postal worker ... don't
mess with me, okay?), and I noticed that there was something wrong
with my power steering. Upon investigation, I found the fan belt
had twisted around and was cracked in about 10 places. Not wanting
to ick up my work clothes, I decided to go for the "cheap fix" and
drive to K-Mart to get the belt replaced. While there, I asked them
to check the outer tie rod.

The mechanic pulled it into the alignment bay, replaced the belt,
then raised the truck into the air to inspect the front end. The
chief mechanic came to tell me the front end was fine; as we
talked, the grunt mechanic climbed up on the lift, reached his leg
in to hold in the clutch and started the truck (to check the
operation of the belt).

Murphy took over from there.

He didn't take it out of gear and the parking brake wasn't on. His
foot slipped off the clutch. The truck LEAPED off the lift, and
performed a very proper nose dive right into the alignment machine 4
feet below.

[Editor's Note: The contributor of this piece has since been
reimbursed for "visible damages" -- which should have been *quite*
visible. I'd also bet that the mechanic is now doing something much
less intellectually strenuous; perhaps holding public office. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Darwin Always Wins in the End

A man from Kiryat Bialik (Israel) was treated yesterday for two
broken legs after falling from his second story apartment window.

The person claims he was trying to leave his apartment through the
window, since he had lost the keys to his apartment and the door was
locked.

The troublesome keys were later found ... in his pants.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Broad Vocabulary

In 1985, I was in a diner in Akron, Ohio, with a friend. Our table
had only one place setting, so I called to the waitress ...

"Excuse me miss, could I please have some cutlery?"

She responded, "I'll have to ask the cook."

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</collage311>