Collage 313               H u m o u r N e t               17 NOV 96

I recently heard on a local radio station that the Spanish word for
"wife" is the same as the word for "handcuff."

Interesting. Of course, it probably *should* be the same as the word
for "danger":

<AP News Wire>

"Texas Woman Charged After Cutting Husband's Member"

(Since HumourNet is now the kinder, gentler humor list, you'll have
to live with the euphemisms. <g>)

HOUSTON - A Texas woman was charged Wednesday with aggravated assault
after she allegedly lured her estranged husband into an "encounter,"
then tried to cut off his member, police said.

(This is becoming 'sport' here in the U.S.)

The woman, Patricia Lopez, 24, was jailed and faces up to 20 years
in prison if convicted. Police said she had recently separated from
her husband, Frank Lopez, but invited him over [for the interlude]
with the promise of using "a new technique."

(Hardly a new technique, Patricia; Lorena was *years* ahead of you.)

When he arrived, she said she wanted to tie him up, but he agreed
only to be blindfolded.

(Level II Stupid; Level III had he agreed to be tied up.) (New
subscribers should refer to Collage 301 for an explanation of the
three fundamental levels of stupidity.)

Lopez, 27, is a pump-and-ladder man for the Houston Fire Department,
police said.

(Not any more!)

</AP News Wire>

Whew! It's getting downright dangerous out there. Between Lorena
and Patricia, we're really getting a whole new perspective on the
female interpretation of "divorce."

Speaking of marriage and divorce, recall the following piece from
Collage 298 (Kids' Humor):

    "Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have
    to give her back to her parents"
      -- Eric, age 6

One of the most amusing responses to this piece came from Dihman in
Batavia, Illinois:

    I hope Eric realizes, before it is too late, that in reality
    "Marriage is when you have to keep your girl and don't get
    to give her back to her parents."

Heck, I hope he realizes, before it's too late, that women and
*sharp objects* simply don't mix -- regardless of whether the women
in question are married. ;-)

And before I get myself into even *more* trouble here, I'd better turn
this over to the constituency ...

Collage 313 continues our ongoing tradition of providing relationship
perspectives here on HumourNet -- and, if memory serves me right,
it's the women's turn at the helm. Kudos are earned as follows:

Richard in Phoenix, Arizona, explains how to tell if he is "A Guy or
a Man?";

Shawn in Vancouver, British Columbia, (our Bawdy.Net Moderator) sends
"You Must Wait For The Ides" and "More On The Differences Between Men
and Women";

Holly in Frankfort, Kentucky, describes the "Female Perspective on
Men and Computers" (note that Mme. Waits, who authored this piece,
and who apparently also reads the Collage trailers, grants permission
to forward or post this item, as long as it is forwarded/posted in
its *entirety*);

Ben in San Francisco, California, helps women answer "Why Aren't You
Married Yet?";

Christopher in Denver sends along "Women's 45 Rules For Men" (I
usually don't post pieces this long -- but this one is particularly
good, so I left it intact);

Karen in Findlay, Ohio, submits "A Female Perspective on
Epidemiology";

Carol in Seattle, Washington, contributes "Yet Another Lightbulb
Joke";

Tunc in Ankara, Turkey, sends "Bad Connections";

and Nancy in Hernando, Florida, closes with the very amusing "Pyramid
Scheme."

Five men and four women compose this Collage. There's a message there,
but I'm not quite sure what it is. Either way, another huge thanks to
our contributors.

Enjoy! (But don't enjoy *too* much -- the next "Relationships Humor"
Collage will be from the male perspective. :-)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: A Guy or a Man?

Men: know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Guys: are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.

Men: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Guys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.

Men: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with
laces.
Guys: wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high
school.

Men: think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.
Guys: think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.

Men: balance their checkbooks.
Guys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy
twice in a row.

Men: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors,
driving, and paying for dinner.
Guys: claim to be feminists so they can let YOU open doors, drive,
and pay for dinner.

Men: are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Guys: are afraid of becoming men.

Men: put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Guys: pretend you're not there when their moms call.

Men: start their own businesses.
Guys: quit their jobs.

Men: are experts on women's erogenous zones.
Guys: are experts on their own erogenous zone.

Men: order wine based on more than the price.
Guys: bring their own beer.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: You Must Wait For The Ides

A very ugly and conceited young man, wanting to get married, went to
a matchmaker and asked for help finding a wife. "I want someone
utterly beautiful and totally exceptional."

"I have just the girl," says the matchmaker. "She's rich,
intelligent, and absolutely stunning."

"Hold it," said the young man, suddenly suspicious. "Why is she
still single?"

I admit," said the matchmaker, "that she has one tiny problem."

"I thought so."

"No, it's nothing very terrible. It's just that one day every year,
she goes a little bit crazy. Doesn't cause any trouble, just loses
her head for a while. After it's over, she's fine for an entire
year."

"I can live with that," said the young man. "Where is she?"

"Not just yet." said the matchmaker. "If you want to her to marry
you, you'll have to wait a bit."

"Until when?" the ugly and conceited man asked eagerly.

"Until the day she goes crazy."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Female Perspective on Men and Computers
By Holly Waits

"Men are like computers: I don't understand them, I just use them
for my amusement."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Why Aren't You Married Yet?

Top 10 answers to the question "Why aren't you married yet?" (which
are guaranteed to make the questioner stop asking the question), by
Cintra Wilson (6/14/96 San Francisco _Examiner_)

10. Because it would mean some guy would get to sleep with me for
FREE.

9. (downcast, quiet) I am married. My husband is..oh, God...
(start crying).

8. (angrily) You know I am only attracted to children.

7. Love is for idiots. Money, money, money, that's all I'm
interested in.

6. No man could ever equal "Trunky."

5. First I'd have to kick the drugs, and that's never going to
happen.

4. In my line of work, I can't afford feelings. A killing machine
can't cry.

3. No rings will fit on my fat, fat fingers. (start sobbing)

2. Who knows? Maybe I just suck.

[Editor's Note: ... never mind. </vs>]

1. (quietly, and with a pained expression) Most men are frightened
by my stump.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More On The Differences Between Men and Women

Question: "What kinds of clothes are there?"

Women's Answer: "Clean and Dirty"

Men's Answer: "Clean, Almost Clean, Sorta Clean, Not bad, Dirty,
Really Dirty, Funky, Nasty, Biohazard." (Men will voluntarily wear
all but the last classification of these clothes.)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Women's 45 Rules For Men
Excerpted from "Rita Rudner's Guide to Men"

1. Call.

2. Don't lie.

3. Never tape any of her body parts together.

4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.

5. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."

6. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"

7. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.

8. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.

9. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.

10. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag,"
"Lard*ss," and "B*tch" are bad.

11. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.

12. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.

13. None of your ex-girlfriends was ever nicer, prettier, or better
in bed.

14. Her cooking is excellent.

15. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.

16. Dish soap is your friend.

17. Hat does not equal shower, after-shave does not equal soap, and
warm does not equal clean.

18. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.

19. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never
going to end that conversation.

20. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"

21. Two words: clean socks.

22. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when
you're all sweaty.

23. Burping is not sexy.

24. You're wrong.

25. You're sorry.

26. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool
car than you think she is.

27. Ditto for your discourse on football.

28. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a
single bound.

29. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is
bad.

30. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.

31. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.

32. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she
feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change
without notice.

33. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.

34. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.

35. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.

36. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act
like a complete jerk until she does it for you.

37. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.

38. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.

39. Always, always suck up to her brother.

40. Think boxers. Silk boxers.

41. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so
names.

42. Don't try to change the way she dresses.

43. Her haircut is never bad.

44. Don't let your friends pick on her.

45. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The
fact that she has to go through labor while you sit on your butt in
the waiting room, smoking cigars, isn't fair either, and it balances
everything.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: A Female Perspective on Epidemiology

Q: Why can't men get Mad Cow disease?
A: Because they're pigs!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Yet Another Lightbulb Joke

Q: Do you know how many men it takes to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the bulb and waits for the world to revolve
around him.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Bad Connections
Excerpted from "Laughter is the Best Medicine," Reader's Digest,
June 1996

Hearing the soft "Hello?" on the phone, the panicked guy starts the
stream: "Honey, I have bought a Rolls Royce for you and the driver
is waiting outside for a call. I have sent in the decorators for
the estate at Bosphorus. Your mother can also move in to live with
us for as long as she wishes. And I am ready to be your eternal
lover and obedient server. Will you marry me?"

The reply is quick: "Sure! Who is this calling?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Pyramid Scheme

Dear Friend,

This letter was started by a woman like yourself in hopes of
bringing relief to other tired and discontented women. Unlike most
chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just bundle up your
husband and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of
the list. Then add your name to the bottom of the list and send a
copy of this to five of your friends who are equally tired and
discontented. When your name comes to the top of the list, you will
receive 3,325 men ... and some of them are bound to be better than
the one you gave up!

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN! One woman did, and received her own jerk
back.

At this writing, a friend of mine had already received 184 men;
they buried her yesterday, but it took four undertakers 36 hours to
get the smile off of her face.

We're counting on you,
A Satisfied Woman

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</collage313>