Collage 316               H u m o u r N e t                1 DEC 96

A few Thanksgivings ago, my brother and sister and I were all doing
the "long-distance family" routine -- several family members on
telephone extensions at either end of a long-distance connection --
with our aunt and uncle halfway across the country. In the interest
of idle chit-chat, my aunt asked if our mom (see "The Old Broad,"
Collage 153) had made a turkey for Thanksgiving. And in the
interest of amusing comebacks, I responded that, no, she had in fact
"made *three* turkeys a long time ago," and thus did not feel
compelled to make any more.

And in the interest of disproving several tenets of quantum mechanics
by demonstrating that a pure vacuum *can*, in fact, exist between two
closely-spaced ears, my sister (the bright one in the family) came
back with, "No, she only made TWO turkeys -- YOU were adopted."

The really amazing thing was that it took three people nearly 15
minutes to explain it all to her. Nice house; no one's home.

Needless to say, her comment about "adoption" was correct. :-)

It must be something about Thanksgiving that brings out the bright
ones. I heard a radio report last week about a "Kathy" in Tennessee
who had prepared an entire Thanksgiving meal -- the bird, the side
dishes, and all -- and realized that she had prepared it A WEEK EARLY
only after calling several friends and relatives to come join her for
dinner. Apparently, Miss Kathy was using a freebie calendar from a
local business, and it had the wrong date marked for Thanksgiving.

I think I see some liability in this. A good lawyer should be able
to conjure up a relatively decent lawsuit here -- say, $175.00 for
food and supplies, $15.50 in telephone charges (when she called her
family and friends), and $250,000 in mental anguish caused by the
cold turkey, moldy potatoes, and stale cake she served a week later.

I say file the suit for $6M, and settle out of court.

Speaking of settling out of court, I'd be willing to bet OJ wishes
he had. Feedback from the latest episode of "OJ Simpson: The Charade
Drags On" has him down by several hundred points at the half. I was
treated to some of the more memorable bits of his testimony, and,
well, let's just say his that his brain ain't as fleet as his feet. 

Yet he was acquitted of the criminal charges -- which makes me wonder
if it is possible to retry a case by reason of "incompetent jury."

Nevertheless, the newsiest piece of incompetence was the story about
the hijackers who commandeered the Ethiopian airliner -- straight
into the water. They apparently didn't believe the pilot when he
told them that the aircraft didn't have enough fuel to make it to 
Australia -- and *still* didn't believe him when the aircraft ran
out of fuel and started obeying gravity a little better. According
to unsubstantiated (last I heard) reports, one of the hijackers
thought that the pilot was faking the flameout, and botched the
nearly-heroic landing by grabbing for the controls in an attempt to
pull the nose back up shortly before impact.

But that's not the *really* moronic part: According to another
unsubstantiated rumor (yes, I know, I have to stop using the "Weekly
World News" as my source of current events), their purpose in
hijacking the aircraft was to *gain notoriety*. Yep, these bright
boys just want to be remembered for something.

Well, congratulations guys, you've done it: You're now the STUPIDEST
hijackers in the history of the planet.

Some people really make you wish that their parents were a little
smarter about birth control. And then there are those who simply
shouldn't reproduce in the first place. For example, I was at the
drive-through of a local bank last week, and was sitting behind a
[peroxide] blonde chick, early twenties, smoking up a storm, with
her roughly-eight-year-old daughter in the passenger seat. (Okay,
*maybe* the mom was late twenties. ;-)

[WARNING/DISCLAIMER: This is a humor mailing list. The following
comments are intended as humor, regardless of how you view them or
what your personal agenda happens to be. OJ is guilty (we all know
it), and I do not endorse spousal abuse in any way, shape, or form,
for any reason, at any time whatsoever. With that said ...]

While reaching for the cash drawer, mom realized that her cigarette
was getting in the way. So she crushed it out in the ash tray, right?
No. She tossed it on the ground? No.

She handed it to her daughter to hold for her while she completed the
transaction.

Some people simply should not be eligible to reproduce.

I really wanted to get out of my car, walk up to her, and ask:

"Excuse me ... does your husband hit you?"

"No, why?"

"He should."

And thus I realized that it was time to, once again, pay homage to
those folks who justify the millions of dollars spent each year in
birth-control research.

The following HumourNetters have gone above and beyond the call
of duty by helping us to continue ridiculing the Intellectual
Proletariat:

Sarah in Atlanta, Georgia, takes credit for asking "Which One Is The
Vegetable?";

Alan sends along the "Future Microsoft Employee of the Year";

Tom contributed "Free Anchor Hocking Stoneware With Every Box";

Paul in the U.K. sends some "Loose Nuts";

Ben in Australia contributes the "Vital Statistics" piece;

Wade in Jacksonville, Florida, accepts kudos for the "Investment
Strategy";

Kevin in London, England, helps out with the "Language Barrier";

Bruce in Warminster, Pennsylvania, does his share with "Stupid
People Tricks";

and a special thanks goes to Lynn in beautiful Boulder, Colorado,
for sending me the hijackers story -- *and* for providing all of us
with top-flight ListProc management. (Lynn co-manages the server
on which HumourNet is hosted.)

Huge thanks to everyone who has contributed Stupid-People anecdotes
to our ever-growing collection. (And I mean COLLECTION -- I've barely
put a dent in the Stupid People queue.)

HumourNet: "Neuter The Stupid!"

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Which One Is The Vegetable?

Our class was having a discussion about vegetarians. Olivia, being
classified as Level II Stupid, gave her thoughts on the matter:

"Well, I think it's good that they eat vegetables. I mean, it's not
like they're alive or anything. They don't GROW and stuff."

We tried to explain to her that vegetables are plants and that
plants DO grow, etc.

She replied with, "Well, it's not like they have cells!"

Poor, poor Olivia.

You must understand that this is the same person who believes that
someone could decapitate her finger.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Future Microsoft Employee of the Year

While working at IBM in Palo Alto, California, I had the opportunity
to work with co-op students from Stanford University; they would
work part-time for the experience and receive a grade, as well.
Most of the students were relatively intelligent (after all, they
were in Stanford).

As a pretty active guy, I used to arrange ski trips for a group of
our co-workers. On one such trip, I was riding the ski lift with
one of the co-op students. Now this girl wrote some pretty good
code -- good logic, well thought out, etc.

While going up the hill, the chairlift stops (someone probably fell
while loading or unloading). While hanging around waiting for the
lift to get moving again, my chair mate looks up at the string of
chairs going the other way (the empties on the return) and asks,
"Oh, they stop both sides of the lift if something happens?"

[Editor's Note: "Level I." </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Free Anchor Hocking Stoneware With Every Box

I believe this guy qualifies for at *least* Level II status.

My roommate and I are moving from one apartment to another while at
school. Naturally, we need boxes -- so we stop in to the local
K-Mart.

We go up to the customer service desk and ask if they have any
boxes. The manager on duty calls back to the storage room and tells
the guy, "Look and see if we have any boxes."

So we start to wait. We're on a moderately tight schedule, so after
about five minutes (which seemed like 30), we tell the manager that
we have to go -- when her phone rings. It's the guy from the back.
He tells the manger that, YES, they do have boxes. Nice.

She tells him, "Well, then bring them up *here*."

After another 15 minutes, filled with idle chatter between the
manager and ourselves, the guy comes down the isle with a dolly
FILLED with boxes. Big boxes, little boxes -- woo hoo! Anyway, he
apologizes for the delay, and asks if he should help us carry them
out.

We say, no, they're just boxes, we can handle it.

I try to lift about 5 of them ... uummphhh!

I try to lift ONE ... and it's full. I am NOT making this up. I
shake the box (gingerly), and ask the guy, "Do these have
*merchandise* in them?"

And, I swear, he shrugs and says, "Mmmm ... I dunno."

THEN, he offers to go get *more* boxes for us.

After nearly choking to death trying to stifle our laughter, my
roommate and I alerted the manager to the situation, and she quickly
had the guy take the boxes BACK.

We ended up just using a truck.

[Editor's Note: Heck, if it'd been me, I would have said, "Oh, these
are *perfect*, thank you very much, have nice Thanksgiving, no, I can
carry them myself, thank you ...." ;-) </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Loose Nuts

I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer
vacation at engineering university. I used to work on repairing
construction equipment.

One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very
large bolts holding it together. On of the nuts had corroded on to
the bolt; to free it I started heating the nut with an
oxy-acetylene torch.

As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever
known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently
explained that if I heated the nut it would grow larger and release
its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.

"So things get larger when they get hot do they?" he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind (I know not from where).

"Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in
winter."

There was a long pause, then his face cleared.

"You know I always wondered about that," he said.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Vital Statistics

This happened to the sister of a friend of mine; she works as a lab
technician at a pathology lab. Apparently a label had come off one
of the samples that she was supposed to test, so she spent the
morning trying to determine the vital statistics of the sample
(e.g., name, sex, age of patient etc). She managed to find out most
of the info except for the sex of the patient. The name was of no
help -- it was one of those unisex names like Chris or Pat.

She finally determined the sex when, several hours later, someone
pointed out that the vial contained a sperm sample.

The really scary thing is that she is now married, and thus could
start breeding really soon.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Investment Strategy

Last month, a man I know purchased a used car. He paid for it with
his AMEX. Reasoning? Amex doesn't charge any interest, saving him
serious money.

I got a call from him a few days ago -- it seems he got the
statement in the mail....

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Language Barrier

... That reminds me of an Italian girl who arrived in England over
the summer -- I say girl, she's in her early twenties -- who asked
in all seriousness if the people in London learned English *after*
they'd starting speaking Italian, or before.

The answer that "they learned it from birth" met with incredulity
until the way languages worked was carefully explained to her.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Stupid People Tricks

I think I have a Level III Stupidity story here -- 100% true and
accurate.

In high school there was an unfortunate genetic accident in my gym
class. He was the type of person who would bring biology class to a
screeching halt, giggling mercilessly at the drawings of genitalia
(male or female). At any rate, in gym, we were doing a section in
gymnastics -- floor exercise, rings, pommel horse, what have you.
On the floor exercise, there was a move called the dive to a
handstand, wherein the gymnast would execute a dive maneuver and end
up in a handstand. Very difficult for the balance challenged.

A few students managed to do the move and decided to dream up a new,
more difficult move. So I casually suggested to the aforementioned
genetic accident that he might try a dive to a *head*stand. I guess
he was just beginning the downward portion of his arc through the
air when he realized what he was attempting -- because that's when
his legs and arms started flailing wildly as he tried to stop
himself in mid-air.

(In a way, this is a bit of a visual, because he was a sort of a
round fellow, so watching his descent was a little like watching the
pairing of a sea urchin and an electric cattle prod.)

(In the end, he didn't hurt himself, so you really are allowed to
laugh at his stupidity.)

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