Collage 318               H u m o u r N e t                8 DEC 96

This one's a little old, but still worth the read ...

<AP News Wire, 20 Aug 96>

"World's Dumbest Mugger Apologizes to Crime Boss"

NEW YORK -- A man who snatched a wallet from the mother of reputed
Genovese crime boss Vincent Gigante was hoping everybody would
forgive and forget on Monday.

(Diplomacy: The art of saying "nice doggie" until you can get the
h*ll out of the country.)

Willie King, 37, was sentenced to 1-1/2 to three years in prison ...

(He's going to be saying "nice doggie" for a long time.)

... for grabbing the wallet of 94-year-old Yolanda Gigante as she
walked with another son, the Rev. Louis Gigante, last month.

(I wonder if Yolanda gets to order the hit for this one?)

"My client wishes to express great remorse," King's lawyer Steven
Wershaw said.

(Oh, now *there's* a surprise.)

"He's admitted his guilt at the earliest opportunity because he
wants to put this incident behind him, and he hopes the Gigante
family will, too," Wershaw said.

(Why admit guilt? He should have claimed he was too incompetent to
stand trial. Based on the evidence we've seen in this case, who
could argue with an 'incompetence' plea for this guy? He probably
would have walked that *day*. Of course, he wouldn't have gotten
very far....)

King grabbed the wallet from the woman's house coat as she walked on
a street in Greenwich Village. He was caught a few blocks away, and
the city's tabloids quickly dubbed him "The World's Dumbest Mugger."

(I'm sure his mom always *knew* he'd amount to something....)

</AP New Wire>

It is people like Willie who keep our news from getting boring. And
it's HumourNet subscribers who keep the Stupid Criminal Hall of Shame
an entertaining regular feature here on HumourNet....

Dennis in Wolcott, Connecticut, starts things off with "Arresting
Performance";

Jim in L.A. takes credit for "More Proof That Darwin Was Right"
*and* the Willie King story that I used, above.

Brandel in Israel sends us "Money Talks";

Nigel in Canada contributes "Wile E. Bank Robber";

Paul in London, England, amuses us with "Cross-Dressing Criminals
Always Finish Last";

Glenn in Bar Harbor, Maine, sends "On-Time Delivery";

Lori, our prosecutor from Atlanta (to whom lawyer jokes Do Not Apply)
contributes another first-hand experience with "Have It Your Way";

and Rick in Las Vegas, Nevada takes credit for "Bright Boyz, Take
One," "... Take Two," and "... Take Three (and Four)."

There you have it sports fans -- another installment in the Stupid
Criminal Hall of Shame series. Many thanks to all our contributors.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Arresting Performance

BALITMORE, Maryland, Oct 9, 1996 (Reuters) -- Two TV cops had a
chance to make a real-life bust when a shoplifter bolted onto a
scene of "Homicide: Life on the Street" in Baltimore.

The thief, who had taken about $100 worth of film from a drug store,
thought he had stumbled into real cops when he saw actors holding
prop guns and standing over a "murder victim." He muttered, "Oh,
no," and figured he'd been caught.

One of the actors' bodyguards grabbed the thief until real cops
working security around the scene arrived.

"The Screen Actors Guild bylaws say I don't have to arrest anyone,"
joked Richard Belzer, who plays Detective Munch.

"If he's convicted," said Clark Johnson, the show's 'Detective
Lewis,' "the judge should drop the theft charge and send him away
for being stupid."

[Editor's Note: We're way ahead of you, Clark ... ;-) </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Proof That Darwin Was Right

LAKEWOOD, Colo., Oct. 16 (UPI) -- Two officers shot and killed a
suspected robber who doused them with chemical spray as he fled a
King Soopers market with a bag of money, police said Wednesday.

Moments earlier the suspect sprayed two employees and bound them
with plastic flexi-cuffs before grabbing an undisclosed amount of
cash and running to an emergency exit, said Lyn Kimbrough,
spokeswoman for police in the Denver suburb of Lakewood.

"He came face-to-face with a police officer," said Kimbrough. "What
the officer saw was the suspect's hand coming up, then (he felt) a
pain in his face. He thought he'd been shot. He fired two shots from
his handgun."

[Editor's Note: Score at the half -- Police: 2, Thief: 0. </vs>]

Inside another officer saw the suspect's hand raise and heard shots,
which made him think his partner had been shot, so he fired one
round from his shotgun, she said.

[Editor's Note: End of the third Q -- Police: 3, Thief: 0. </vs>]

The suspect, an unidentified man in his thirties, died just outside
the exit, she said.

[Editor's Note: Score at the close -- Police: 103, Thief: 0. (The
police picked up the extra 100 bonus points for helping to cleanse
the gene pool.) </vs>]

The officers, a sergeant with 11 years and a 23-year veteran
patrolman, are on administrative leave.

[Editor's Note: I hope it's administrative leave in Hawaii. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Money Talks

A Pisgat Ze'ev (a northern neighborhood of Jerusalem) resident
discovered one morning last week that his car had been stolen.

He immediately called his car's cellular phone. The person who
answered told him he would trade the car for NIS 4000 [about $1300].
The man agreed and arranged a time and place for the exchange.

The Jerusalemite went directly to the police who sent a detective to
the exchange. He arrested the three men in the car.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Wile E. Bank Robber

On Friday, a man wearing a home-made suit of armour robbed a bank in
downtown Montreal, his unlucky 13th in a spree. He gave a cabbie a
$100 bill and ordered him to drive. In addition to a gun, the man
was armed with nails and tacks that he intended to toss out the
window to blow out the tires of pursuers a la Wile E. Coyote.

The story goes on, but the only other detail of any interest is the
fact that he neglected to wear a helmet and was shot in the head
(superficially). Here's someone who needs to see the cartoon laws of
physics (and then be given a very careful explanation that these
laws do not apply "in real life.")

[Editor's Note: The "Cartoon Laws of Physics," to which Nigel is
referring, appeared in Collage 206. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Cross-Dressing Criminals Always Finish Last
Excerpted from the Guardian Newspaper (London), sometime in 1995

A gang decided to rob a security van, and they planned it down to
the minutest detail. They knew that it picked up a large amount
cash at a shop at a certain time every week. They planned that one
of them was to threaten the security staff with a shotgun whilst the
others swooped.

To give the shooter the element of surprise they dressed him as a
woman pushing a buggy complete with doll with the shotgun under the
blankets.

Unfortunately the shooter's approach to the van took him past a
building site. The builders spying this tall willowy woman with
eye-popping bosom and long blonde hair started wolf-whistling and
cat-calling.

[Editor's Note: If they'd only known ... </vs>]

The shooter was so incensed by this slur on his manhood that he
started pulling out the shotgun to silence them. On seeing this, the
rest of the gang tried to restrain him, and there ensued a fight for
possession of the gun -- in full view of the scattering builders.

The security guards promptly fled in their van. With the cash, of
course.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: On-Time Delivery

In Tampa, FL, a man ordered a pizza from Domino's to his house. When
the pizza arrived, he robbed the delivery guy.

When police arrived later, the man was sitting in his living room
eating the pizza.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Have It Your Way

This lovely young future leader is actually responsible enough to
get a real job, at Burger King.

On the way home from work one day, he stops off to sell some
marijuana.

To undercover police officers.

While still wearing his uniform. Complete with name tag.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Bright Boyz, Take One

I no longer have the news clipping, but one character that I dealt
with got drunk, and held up a bar. I forget why he returned, but the
patrons this time noticed that his Uzi was a plastic toy.

The police arrived in time to rescue him, but he had been stabbed
about 20 times.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: Bright Boyz, Take Two

A friend of mine was a teller supervisor at an S&L in San Diego. One
day they were robbed by a not particularly bright character, wearing
a 49ers jacket. His getaway involved a beeline to the nearest mall,
where he cleverly bought new clothing so that he wouldn't be noticed
-- a 49ers T-shirt, over which he again wore the jacket.

Content in his disguise, he went to the pizza place in the mall,
where he was happily gorging himself when the police arrived.
Realizing that they were there for him, he quickly told them, "Your
money is in this pocket. The money in the other pocket is mine."

Having apprehended him, the police brought the teller to the scene
for identification. Before anyone could say anything, Bright Boy
announced, "Yep, she's the one I robbed."

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: Bright Boyz, Take Three (and Four)

Another attorney related a tale to me of having represented a couple
of geniuses (geniui?) in federal court in San Diego. As the two left
the building, they drove around for several blocks, and found a
likely place to light up and celebrate. It was the back entrance to
the courthouse....

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</collage318>