Collage 327              H u m o u r N e t              15 Jan 1997

(Much of this was originally delimited by "announcements" tags --
but I lost track of where the "announcements" ended and the opener
started, so I bagged the tags.)

Dan Calle, a Research Assistant for the Physics Department at Sweet
Briar College, now maintains the quasi-official mirror of the
HumourNet archives (and the miscellaneous "Humour Archives") on his
machine at the following URL:

  <http://lucifer.bevc.blacksburg.va.us/funny/HumourNet/>

(Thanks, Dan!)

Speaking of the Colossal Humor Page (HumourNet's "home page"),
WebReview gave HumourNet top billing in their "Internet Hour" review
of the best comedy sites on the Web:

  <http://webreview.com/97/01/10/hour/index.html>

.... AND we've apparently received the Editor's Choice award from
the "Reader's Digest" Web site, "Look Smart" -- though they have yet
to provide either confirmation or a definitive URL.

Ironically, given all the accolades lately, the Colossal Humor Pages
are badly in need of a facelift. I plan on updating them sometime
early this Spring (Autumn for those of you who spend your days
inverted), and hope to FINALLY follow up on the HumourNet logo
contest that I announced [last *June*] would be coming soon. Those of
you who've been notified that your submissions "will be appearing on
the Web page" will probably have to wait for the facelift -- but I
*will* get to them eventually.

Also: Please read the trailer! You don't have to read it often; just
read it ONCE. In particular, I'd like to draw your attention to this
important note:

    >>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the
    contributors, not necessarily the authors. Authors'
    credits are included in the text whenever possible. <<<

For those of you who read the "Hebonics" piece in Collage 326, and
then wrote to tell me how wonderfully creative my brother is (and/or
that you'd seen a counter attribution on Steve Willoughby's Oracle
Service Humor List), note that your assumption was *wrong*. (That is,
my brother is NOT that creative. ;-) In reality, credit for the piece
*does* belong to Mike Royko, a syndicated newspaper columnist; the
archived version has been updated with the author's "by" line.

And on a final note regarding Collage 326, Dave in Basking Ridge,
New Jersey, sends this gem:

    "Let's not forget that in Arkansas, they speak Billy-Joebonics."

Heh ... they speak that in the White House, too, Dave. (Okay, *NOW*
can we lay the "-onics" humor to rest?)

And, in the spirit of "Billy-Joebonics," Collage 327 introduces a
NEW topic area for HumourNet: "State of the Humor" -- your idiomatic
guide to the United States! And so, may I introduce tonight's players:

Shawn King, the Moderator of our sister list for risque humor -- and,
oddly (luckily?) enough, NOT a resident of the U.S. -- kicks off this
inaugural "State of the Humor" Collage with the "Arkansas State
Residency Application";

Amy in Murray, Kentucky, sends us the piece, "You Might Be From
Michigan If";

Yvonne in Arlington, Virginia, contributes "Talking West Virginian";

Tom in Dunedin, Florida, takes credit for "The Metamorphosis" (note
that I *finally* put Tom in the correct town -- he and "Jack in
Oregon" used to be part of my "HumourNet location-protection
program," where I'd move subscribers to new towns/states entirely
without their permission <g>);

Fred in Temecula, California, brings us "Jes Lahk Fambly";

and Duncan in College Park, Maryland, accepts kudos for the hysterical
"Application to Live in Northern New Jersey."

Big thanks to all our contributors; it's pretty solid for an
inaugural Collage. Note, however, that I *have* already run a TON
(or nearly) of state- residency applications, so you might want to
take a nice, long stroll through the archives before you go sending
me more "applications" humor.

Whul, haick, hope yah lahk it!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Arkansas State Residency Application

Name: ________________  (_) Billy-Bob
          (last)        (_) Billy-Joe
                        (_) Billy-Ray
                        (_) Billy-Sue
                        (_) Billy-Mae
                        (_) Billy-Jack
                        (Check appropriate box)

Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Unemployed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: You Might Be From Michigan If ...
By MC Ward

If you define summer as three months of bad sledding.

If your definition of a small town is one that doesn't have a lake.

If snow tires come standard on all cars.

If at least 50% of your relatives work for the auto industry.

If owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your home town.

If you learned to pilot a boat before the training wheels came off
your bike.

If you point at the palm of your right hand to tell people where you
live.

If you don't understand what the big deal about Chicago is.

If "Down South" to you means Toledo.

If octopus and hockey go together as logically as hot dogs and
baseball.

If the Big Mac is something you can drive across.

If your kids' baseball or softball games have been snowed out.

If you bake with "soda" and drink "pop."

If you drive 70 on the highway and always pass on the right.

** And Pietro in Rome, Italy, adds this one:

If you think there are just 2 different seasons in a year: The
winter season and the the road-construction season.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Talking West Virginian

ahz: the things you see with

aig: which come first, the chicken or the aig?

arn: an electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing

bawl: what water does at 212 degrees

bidness: commercial enterprise

bobbycue: a delectable southern sandwich of chopped pork, cole slaw
an a fiery sauce

co-cola: any form/brand of soft drink

clinics: a tissue

crine: weeping

dawfins: name of the pro football team in Miami

daints: a more or less formal event in which members of the opposite
sex hold each other and move rhythmicallyto the sound of music

dayum: an expletive; in other states, a four-letter word

doc: a condition caused by an absence of light

ever: each, as in "She's bin crine ever day since JJ run off."

far: combustion

git: to acquire

goff: a game played with clubs and a little white ball

hep: a cry for assistance, as in "HEP! There's a far!

hoss: a large, solid-hoofed, herbivorous animal

lectricity: energy for arns, tvs, an other thangs

liberry: a building where thousands of literary works are kept

nekkid: to be unclothed

ole well: a source of petroleum

own : opposite of awf (see lectricity)

paypuh: what you write on

shevuhlay: a General Motors car

spearmint: something scientists do

stow : establishment where things are sold

tar: a round inflatable object which sometimes goes flat

Uhmurkin: someone who lives in the United States of Uhmurka

zackly: precisely

** And Shawn in Pinole, California, adds this treatment of "yawl":

Used as both the singular and plural second-person pronoun, yawl is
one of the most important words in West Virginia, as well as the
entire southern U.S. -- and definitely one of the most often used,
as shown in these examples:

"Forrest, did yawl member ta shut awf the tv?"

"Are yawl goin ta the daints tamorrah, Mary-Lou?"

"Yawl are dayum blind! Yawl gotta git yawself a new payer of ahz!"

"To the fambly of Mr. Jeff Foxworthy: Yawl done rayzed that boy
wrong. He gots no bidness makin fun o us fine Uhmurkins."

and, of course,

"Mr. Sabio, yawl gots the funniest thang I ever done see on paypuh."

[Editor's Note: Sucking up to the moderator is *always* a good idea.
;-) </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Metamorphosis

A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father
took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by
everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the
lobby.

The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I
have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it
is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment,
an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and
pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them
into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They
continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped
out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Jes Lahk Fambly

I have a Tennessee friend named JC. We always razzed him with the
standard jokes about being inbred and illiterate.

Once, after someone made a "Deliverance" comment, out of nowhere JC
snapped, "Y'know, I really hated that movie!"

We all kind of stopped and stared at the sudden outburst from this
mild mannered person. He continued angrily, "They really glorified
the wrong guys. Here's two good 'ol boys, just trying to treat Ned
Beatty like one of the family...."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Application to Live in Northern New Jersey

NAME:____________________________  Nickname:_______________________
ADDRESS: ________________________
EXIT #: _________________________

ETHNIC BACKGROUND:
a) Italian    b) Sicilian    c) Jewish    d) Hispanic    e) Polish

PLASTIC STATUE ON FRONT LAWN:
a) St. Christopher  b) Flamingo  c) Kid Peeing  d) All of the above

BACKYARD SMELLS LIKE:
a) Sewage  b) Sulfur  c) Garbage  d) Old tires  e) All of the above

TOTAL NUMBER OF MUSCLE SHIRTS:
a) 5 - 10         b) 10 - 15     c) 15 - 20     d) 20 and above

NUMBER OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS:
a) 5 - 10         b) 10 - 15     c) 15 - 20     d) 20 and above

NUMBER OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS THAT ARE ALSO MUSCLE SHIRTS
a) 5 - 10         b) 10 - 15     c) 15 - 20     d) 20 and above

BRAND OF JEANS PREFERRED:
a) Sergio Valente  b) Jordache   c) Sassoon     d) Z. Cavaricci

PERCENTAGE OF WARDROBE WHICH IS LEATHER:
a) 100%             b) 95-100%       c) 90-95%        d) 85-90%

TOTAL NUMBER OF GOLD CHAINS OWNED:
a) 10 - 15       b) 15 - 20     c) 20 - 25     d) 25 and above

NUMBER OF GOLD CHAINS WORN AT ONE TIME:
a) 5 - 10        b) 10 - 15     c) 15 - 20     d) 20 and above

APPROXIMATE VALUE OF ALL THIS JEWELRY:
a) $ 5 - $10     b) $10 - $15   c) $15 - $20   d) Stolen

NUMBER OF APPLICATIONS OF OBSESSION/POLO/DRAKAR TO ACHIEVE DESIRED
EFFECT:
a) 10 - 15          b) 15 - 25        c) 25 and above

VISIBLE GOLD CAP ON AT LEAST ONE TOOTH?    YES _______  NO _______

NUMBER OF VISIBLE GOLD CAPS:
a) 1          b) 2-4        c) 5 or more

HAIR HEIGHT:
a) 6-8 Inches   b) 8-12 Inches  c) 1-2 feet   d) Shaved (women only)

HAIR PRODUCTS USED AT ANY GIVEN TIME:
(check all that apply)
a) Hair Spray
b) Styling Gel
c) Mousse
d) Extra Hold Styling Gel
e) Bondo
f) Spackle
g) 40 Weight Oil
h) Crazy Glue

AUTOMOBILE OWNED:
a) IROC Z
b) Firebird
c) Camaro
d) Mustang
e) Nova
f) Chevette ( You got a f#%*ing problem with it?)

NUMBER OF INCHES CAR IS OFF THE GROUND:
a) 6-8 Inches    b) 4-6 Inches   c) 2-4 Inches    d) Under 2 Inches

CHARACTERISTICS OF AUTOMOBILE:
a) Gold chain around license plate
b) Neon lights around license plate
c) Neon lights under car
d) Chippendales/Playboy air freshener hanging from rear view mirror
e) Garter hanging from rear view mirror
f) Chrome hubcaps
g) Stick-on window tinting
h) Stick-on paint splash stickers
I) Fuzzy dice

FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM:
a) F#%*ing NEW JERZEY Giants
b) F#%*ing Jets
c) F#%*ing Mets
d) F#%*ing Yankees
e) F#%*ing Nets
f) F#%*ing Knicks
g) F#%*ing Devils
h) F#%*ing Rangers
i) F#%*ing Islanders

FAVORITE MUSIC:
a) Bruce Springstein
b) Rap
c) Bon Jovi
d) Techno
e) Bruce Springsteen

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</collage327>