Collage 349              H u m o u r N e t              15 Apr 1997

Tis the season to pay taxes.

But I'm not going to rant about how Health & Human Services is
responsible for the single largest chink of your tax dollar. At
least, not *this* year; see last year's rants (Collages 248 & 249)
for all the fun.

Instead, I'm going to make a confession. I need to tell *someone*
this, and HumourNetters are probably the only ones who will really
appreciate it: I did *not* declare, on either my federal or state
income-tax forms, *any* of the income I collected from HumourNet
unsubscription fees.

Not a dime.

And the best part? There's no paper trail. Up until a few weeks ago,
*all* of the unsubscription fees were being collected by the Higher
Source Collection Agency in Rancho Santa Fe, California -- and let's
just say that no one's going to be asking them about their book-
keeping practices anytime soon.

:-)

Meanwhile, those of us unfortunate enough to *owe* money are busy
reducing the balances in our checkbooks. So, what better time for an
*IRS* Collage?

The first piece in tonight's IRS bash-o-rama, "How To Annoy Your IRS
Agent -- Take One," comes to us from none other than Loretta Sabio,
the "first mother" of HumourNet -- also known affectionately around
here as "The Old Broad" (Collage 153). (Hey, I've *long* been out of
the will, anyway; I might as well at least have some fun with it.)

Someone who is less likely to threaten legal action against me, Tim
from Durham, North Carolina, brings us "How To Annoy Your IRS Agent
-- Take Two";

Randol in Dallas, Texas, takes credit for "The Bet";

and Paul in Texas brought us "Dealing With The IRS" just about twelve
months ago (Collage 249), and it's *still* just as amusing this time
around.

Big thanks to all our contributors. And sympathies all around for
those who had to Write The Checks. Remember to blame Health and Human
Services for most of it. ;-)

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: How To Annoy Your IRS Agent -- Take One

During a five-year stint with the IRS, Donna Wilson fielded
thousands of questions. She kept a log of the ODDEST calls she
received; the following excerpted from her log:

Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a
  thousand dollars or only ten hundred.
IRS: Both. It's the same amount.
Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the
  decimal point.

Caller: Could you send me some of those WD-40's?

Caller: Do I file married or single?
IRS: Are you married?
Caller: Kinda.
IRS: Excuse me?
Caller: We got married but we're not counting on it.

Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to
  relatives and taking a loss on the property?
IRS: You have to charge the fair market value.
Caller: No problem. It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we
  could get a lot more.

[Editor's Note: I find it difficult to believe that this was the
*best* that Ms. Wilson could put together after five years in a
government agency. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: How To Annoy Your IRS Agent -- Take Two

During my short employment tour with the IRS in the mail room, I've
found several harmless ways to [mess] with them and [risk] no
recourse ...

IMPORTANT NOTE: These methods are only recommended when you *owe*
money.

* Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a
bunch down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail
from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.

* Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the
right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have
to remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork, and restaple
it (on the left side).

* Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry
before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't
open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.

* If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, use a two- or
three-party check.

* On top of paying with a three-party check, pay one of the dollars
you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how
small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out a
few nasty forms.

* Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to
be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it is written
on.

* Write your letter on something unshapely and unconventional. Like
on the back of a Kroger sack.

* When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a
single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted
differently than regular business-size ones. An added bonus to the
big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the
workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.

* If you send 2 checks they'll have to staple your unsightly
envelope to your half destroyed form.

* Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners
or the like have to be removed and put away.

* Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified
and then date stamped.

These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with
the [IRS].

[Editor's Note: *Damn*. I wish the checks weren't already written
and the envelopes already sealed. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice
out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.),
but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try
the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender agreed, grabbed a
lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the dried, wrinkled remains
of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched
his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the
little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a
weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Dealing With The IRS

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Income Tax return.
Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not
for years. They are evil and expensive.

I feel it's only fair -- since they are minors, and no longer my
responsibility -- that the government knows something about them
and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to
reassign them back to me and reinstate the deductions; this year,
however, they are yours.

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Just ask her! I
suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer
people's questions about their tax returns. While she has had no
formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any
other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she
is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be
responsible for that expense.

While you mull that over, keep in mind she has a truck. It doesn't
run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating
some Health and Human Services funds to fix the vehicle or getting up
early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy.
While she possesses all the wisdom of the universe, her alleged
mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the
virtues of abstinence -- and, in the face of overwhelming passion,
safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I'm quite relieved you
will be handling it in the future. May I suggest you reinstate
Jocelyn Elders; she had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are
a little to close together for normal people. He may be a tax
examiner himself someday if you don't incarcerate him first.

In February I was rudely awakened at three in the morning by a
police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were
TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the
local IRS office or sent directly to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do
almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple.

Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal
with it. You'll have plenty of time since he is sitting out a few
days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll be sure to file
your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he, and all his
friends, have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone,
and it will be much more peaceful once he has moved in with you. DO
NOT leave him or any of his friends unsupervised with girls,
explosives, flammables, inflatables, vehicles or telephones. (I'm
sure you'll find the telephones a source of unimaginable amusement;
be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers.)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared
quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10,
going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears
tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny
Tim's. Fortunately, your recent tax increase will help you offset
the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked on Phonics" is
expensive, so the schools dropped it. Good news, though! You can
buy it yourselves for half the amount of the deduction you are
denying.

It's quite obvious we were terrible parents (ask the other two), so
they have "helped" raise this one to a new level of terror. She
cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the
curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school
sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It
added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats
backward, pants baggy, and wants one of her ears pierced four more
times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I'm
sure you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she
sort of "nests" in her room, and I think it would be easier to move
the entire thing rather than find out what's really in there.

You denied two of the three deductions so I guess it's only fair you
get to pick which two you will take. I prefer you take the two
youngest; I'll still go bankrupt with Kristen's college expense but
then I'm free! If you take the two oldest, at least I have time for
counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two
girls I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have
already increased the withholding on my W4 to cover the $395 in
additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,
John Smith

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