Collage 359              H u m o u r N e t              08 Jun 1997

<announcements>

Since I've been so busy lately, I've decided to re-introduce the
HumourNet Guest Moderator(tMS) program. I *had* several top-notch
guest mods lined up -- that is, until they found out that the gig
really was HumourNet, and not An Evening At The Improv (like I'd
promised).

Okay, in reality, they are still lined up -- but I recently found
out that Lynn, our ServerMistress(tMS) at CSF, will be leaving
shortly, so HumourNet will once again be packing its bags. During
the past couple of weeks, I've been evaluating options for new
servers, and have found one that is going to provide some pretty
hot features for us -- like a Web interface for subscriptions and
unsubscriptions, among other things. More news on that later.

In the meantime, John Mozena from Grosse Pointe Woods, Michigan,
has accepted my offer to guest moderate Collage 359. I've read some
of John's work, and he's a damned good writer (today's opener
notwithstanding, of course ;-), so I decided to offer him a guest-
mod slot. Surprisingly, he accepted -- suggesting that my
assessment of his common sense was a bit over estimated.

And so, may I introduce John Mozena, our seventh (I believe) in a
short line of guest moderators who've all somehow survived the
experience, and gone on to live healthy, productive lives, in utter
denial of their appearances on HumourNet.

John, it's all yours. Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator

</announcements>

Somebody, I forget who, once said that computers allow people to get
into more trouble faster than any invention in the history of
mankind -- with the exceptions of tequila and handguns. Right now, I
feel like I've got a fifth of Sauza Commemorativo and a loaded
Desert Eagle -- Vince has handed over the HumourNet keys to me for
this one Collage.

The poor man is cracking under the strain, which is why I
volunteered to pick up the HumourNet moderation burden for this one
Collage. It's the goodness of my heart -- and the opportunity to
inflict myself on all of you.

Rumors that he's letting me do this one because he needs the
unsubscribe fees my appearance will no doubt produce are untrue and
libelous. Trust me, I know "untrue and libelous" -- I'm a reporter.

This is a health care Collage. Those of you who haven't spent time
(or done time) in the American health care system are probably
wondering what could possibly be funny about sick people.

Ever see somebody spill a bedpan? I have. I spend my days writing
about health care. (What I do in my nights is a subject for a
Bawdy.Net Collage, sorry.)

Health care offers more than cheap laughs, though. The theatre of
the absurd that is health insurance spawns quite a few jokes about
health maintenance organizations -- which some consider to be the
biggest oxymoron since "military intelligence" or "postal service"
-- as well. Plus, there's the black humo[u]r common to almost all
health care professionals.

For instance, your average ER nurse has the best store of gallows
humor you've ever seen. They're the ones that dubbed motorcycles
"donorcycles," after all. If you ever get a chance to get an ER
nurse drunk and telling stories, do it. Just make sure you've got a
strong stomach and a lot of money.

Health care providers also see the real-life stuff that makes shows
like "ER" so amusing. Imagine being *paid* to listen to somebody try
and explain how that gerbil got there ...

Which brings us to the Collage, your peek into the world I deal with
every day -- the world that is the American health care system.

Felix in Switzerland, which is not *necessarily* known for its
comedians, sends us "Yet Another Name For It...." 

Kim in Columbia, Maryland, (the HumourNet Assistant Moderator)
resorts to ethnic humour with "Now *That's* Italian!" 

Dr. Mike in Baltimore, Maryland, sends us the classic "Genesis of
the HMO."

Randol in Dallas, Texas, contributes "Oops! -- Take One."

Richard in Phoenix, Arizona, adds  "Oops! -- Take Two" and "Patient,
Planter, What's The Difference?"

Lorraine in Katy, Texas, stands up for her fellow nurses with "All
Nurses Go To Heaven" and adds the famous "Frequently-Asked Questions
About Health Care." 

Shawn King in Vancouver, British Columbia (the Bawdy.Net Moderator)
cleans up his act a little bit and contributes "Cigarette Warnings
Tobacco Executives Would Like to See."

And, finally, don't forget to send your HumourNet co-pays to the
usual address.

Enjoy.

- John C. Mozena
  HumourNet Guest Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by John C. Mozena
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Yet Another Name For It ...

"The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, 
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The 
hypothalamus controls the `Four Fs': 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 
3.feeding; and 4. mating.

-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Now *That's* Italian!

Q: What do you call an Italian Proctologist?
A: An innuendo.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Genesis of the HMO

Once upon a time there was a little Mouse who came across a big Lion
in the jungle, but the Lion was crying.

"What's wrong?" said the Mouse.

"I can't walk," said the Lion, "because I have a thorn in my paw.
Could you pull it out for me?"

"Nonsense," said the Mouse. "Stop acting like a baby. Everybody has
a little bit of pain. It builds character. I'm sure the thorn will
fall out by itself eventually. In the mean time, start walking on
it. It will stop hurting after a while. You'll be just fine."

So the big Lion limped off into the jungle, and the Mouse started
his own HMO.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Oops! -- Take One

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

"Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

"Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."

"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

"Damn, there go the lights again...."

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of
them."

"What do you mean you want a divorce?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Oops! -- Take Two

Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness:

"I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice."

"Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving."

"Blink once for 'yes'".

"What do you mean we have the wrong patient ?"

"Why is there a tag on his toe ?"

"Do you think he can hear us ?"

"I didn't even know a human could bend that way."

"I'm sorry, we must not have used enough anesthesia. Just relax now.
We'll be done in a jiffy."

"Hold the patient still, we've almost pried it open."

"Did the doctor know he would look like that afterward ?"

"Of course I've performed this operation before, nurse !"

"Nurse, make sure you're getting all this down. It'll make a great
'ER' script."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Patient, Planter, What's The Difference?

A CEO-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal. For
a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the
staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about
the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical bigshot.

One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying, "Time to take
your temperature, sir."

After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally
opened his mouth for the thermometer.

"Sorry, sir," said the nurse, "but for this test we need your
temperature from the other end."

After complaining about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy
finally rolled over and bared his butt. After the nurse finished,
she said, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in
five minutes to check up on you."

The nurse left, leaving the door ajar. The guy's back is to the
door, and for over an hour, he hears people wandering up and down
the hall, laughing. At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw
the guy with his bare buttocks in the air and gawked. Finally, he
asks, "What's going on here?"

The guy barks, "Haven't you ever seen someone having his temperature
taken?"

"Not with a petunia."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: All Nurses Go To Heaven

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St.
Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our
best to help patients, but occasionally we did lose one. I think I
deserve to go to heaven."

St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very
high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patient is
too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard."

St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts
punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's
file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says,
"Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"

[Editor's note: The HMO executive never made it to heaven -- he
spent eternity trying to get through Hell's voice mail system to
dispute a claim. </jm>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Cigarette Warnings Tobacco Executives Would Like to See

Proposed new warnings for U.S. cigarette packs:

* Medical studies have proven you can still live with only one lung.

* Most forms of cancer are treatable at least for a while.

* This is only one of hundreds of products that are slowly killing
you.

* Smoking does not affect the fetuses of women who aren't pregnant.

* Refusing to inhale drastically reduces risk of lung cancer.

[Editor's note: However, it increases the chance of election. </jm>]

* Go ahead and drive or operate heavy machinery. It's perfectly
fine.

* Secondhand smoke only affects those who might breathe it.

* Cigarettes don't kill, matches do.

* Nicotine is not addictive because you know you could quit if you
really wanted to.

* There have been no medical tests to conclusively prove smoking is
a teeth-staining, smelly, pukey habit. And we're not all that ready
to concede the tumor-causing part either.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Frequently-Asked Questions About Health Care
By David Lubar

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its
   roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who
   discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain
   in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern
   practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech
   equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the
   result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the
   doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
   insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who
   were participating in the plan at the time the information was
   gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories --
   those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who
   will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't
   worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and
   accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive
   away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they
   want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we
   appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name
   brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach
   ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly
   cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient
   surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement
   check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for
   you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists
   hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing
   your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you
   return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can
   handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a
   heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10
   co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by
   then.

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</collage359>