Collage 360              H u m o u r N e t              14 Jun 1997

The results are in -- and it's a *very* short sentence for our
favorite demolitions expert, Tim McVeigh. I just might have to
recant all the snide remarks I made about the U.S. legal system
after the O.J. verdict.

On second thought: Nah.

Problem is, I have yet to find anyone who knows exactly what the
manner of Tim's demise will be. I'm voting for the electric chair.
But not just ANY electric chair! I want him shipped off to Florida,
where he can test-drive the one that went a little haywire during
the most recent gene-pool cleansing -- the chair that I have
affectionately named "Sparky," in Timmy's honor.

Plus, sending him to the chair will work better from a promotional
perspective: My proposed "Buy a watt for Timmy" campaign just
wouldn't sound the same if it were "Buy a cc of hemlock juice for
Timmy" or "Buy a cubic foot of gas for Timmy."

"Buy a watt" just sings. Heck, I'm expecting this to be even bigger
than the Unsub Fee(tMS). I'll be announcing a post office box for
donations once we have a date and location for The Main Event.

And in the meantime, we have a selection of new entrants in the
Stupid Criminal Hall of Shame -- all in honor of the hopefully-soon-
to-be-spoken-of-in-the-past-tense Timothy McVeigh:

Marc in Boston, Massachusetts, kicks this one off with "The
Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take One";

Jim in Peoria, Illinois, follows through with "The Importance of Not
Being Seen -- Take Two";

Lea in Monroe, Connecticut, contributes "The Importance of Selecting
the Proper Weapon";

Kevan in South Portland, Maine, takes credit for "The Importance of
Remaining Calm";

Pam in Cheshire, Connecticut, submits "The Importance of Advance
Planning";

Kelly in Camp Hill, Pennsylvania, sends us "The Importance of Having
More Than Three Functioning Neurons";

Kim B. in Ellicott City, Maryland, contributes "The Importance of
Not Being Greedy";

Kathy in Portland, Oregon, helps us identify "The Importance of
Having the Proper Identification -- Take One";

and S.M. in Jackson, Mississippi, closes this one out with "The
Importance of Having the Proper Identification -- Take Two."

It's yet another all-important addition to "The Stupid Criminal Hall
of Shame," with another all-important thanks to our contributors.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
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SUBJ: The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take One

The following story was reported some years ago in the Las Vegas Sun:

A man approached the cashiers' cage at Binion's Horseshoe in
downtown Las Vegas, pulled a shotgun and was given an amount of
cash. (Note that casino cages are located at the rear of the casino
to discourage such activities.)

The man tucked his shotgun under a trench coat and started to walk
casually out of the casino. He was immediately surrounded by casino
guards who walked with him so as not to cause a scene.

Evaluating his situation, the man entered the casino and sat down at
a card game in progress. He remained seated there for several hands,
still surrounded by security personnel. The game continued
uninterrupted.

Finally, perhaps with the thought of creating escape-aiding
confusion, the man upended the table sending cards and chips flying.
He was immediately set upon by the card players who had to be
restrained by the security guards from killing the interloper.

The game resumed shortly thereafter and the thief was taken to the
hospital.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take Two

This story even made the "America's Dumbest Criminals" book ...

In Peoria, Illinois, police were called to the scene of a home
burglary. It turned out that only one major item was missing -- an
entire houseful of new wall-to-wall carpet.

The officers on the scene had no idea how to track a hot carpet. As
they headed outside into the newly fallen snow to look around, they
found footprints and a long, scraped trail. The officers followed
the trail to a neighbor's front door. When the police entered the
house, they found the stolen carpet recut and laid to fit its new
home.

The man who lived there insisted that he had purchased the rug, but
police showed him his own trail. He was arrested and charged with
the crime.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Importance of Selecting the Proper Weapon

The following account was reported on the television news and in the
Dallas newspapers. I don't remember the exact date, but it must have
been about 20 years ago:

A criminal in Dallas attempted to hold up a drive-in bank teller ...
with a knife.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Importance of Remaining Calm

The "On-Time Delivery" section of Collage #318 reminded me of a
couple of incidents that occurred in 1994 when I worked at Domino's
Pizza in Portland, Maine (a place I now refer to as the Evil Empire,
but that's another story).

[Editor's Note: Odd -- I thought that the Evil Empire(tMS) was in
Redmond, Washington, not Portland, Maine. Huh. </vs>]

The first story is virtually a repeat of the story that you had in
the Collage. The driver delivered the pizza, the "customer" met the
driver on the sidewalk and took out a knife, threatening the driver.
The driver, being ten feet away, threw the pie at the assailant and
turned around to run, banging his knee against a car that was two
feet behind him.

The police came and found the guy in his apartment (he had given his
actual address) trying to hide in his bedroom.

The second story involves somebody actually coming into the store
and robbing it at gunpoint. The owners were there. Fortunately,
nobody was hurt, although one of the owners was a complete nervous
wreck for the rest of the night. The guys who robbed the place wore
ski masks, so identification was nearly impossible.

Fast forward this story about eight or nine months. A Portland
police officer pulled over a car for a traffic violation. The
officer discovered in the wallet of the guy that was pulled over a
clipping from the local newspaper regarding the story of the
robbery. When asked about the clipping, the guy apparently got
nervous and confessed to the crime, and turned in his two buddies.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Importance of Advance Planning

The husband of a woman I used to work with held up a Domino's that
was located directly across the street from the police station. When
he left the store, the employee from Domino's went outside and said
to the policeman standing across the street that he had just been
robbed.

A couple of years later (and time served), her husband was released
on parole. While on parole, he stole a money bag from an employee of
an area college. After taking the money bag, he proceeded to get on
a city bus to make his getaway. The bus was pulled over and off to
jail he went again.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Importance of Having More Than Three Functioning Neurons
Excerpted from the Harrisburg Patriot-News, 15 Jan 97

Despite hundreds of tips about six Pittsburgh state prison escapees,
the statement that led to yesterday's capture of one of them came
from the fugitive.

People in Houston doubted Thomas Berkelbaugh's story at first.

Berkelbaugh, 48, was taken to Ben Taub Hospital after creating a
ruckus in a bus station, Texas authorities said. During a
psychiatric evaluation there, Berkelbaugh blurted out that he was an
escapee, hospital spokesman Larry Johnson said.

"When he said he tunneled out of a prison in Pittsburgh, [the staff]
kind of chuckled," Johnson said. "You have to realize they hear all
kinds of stories."

But a call to one of Berkelbaugh's siblings confirmed his story,
although no one seems to know how Berkelbaugh got to Houston.

He was walking around a downtown Houston bus station for about four
hours, "talking and acting funny" in wet, soiled clothes, hospital
spokeswoman Rebecca Becerra said. When a security guard asked
Berkelbaugh to leave, he fell on the floor and started to flop
around, Harris County Sheriff's Sgt. Larry Hall said.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Importance of Not Being Greedy

A man went into a convenience store in Melbourne, Florida, to rob
it. He decided that just taking the money wasn't good enough; he
wanted the whole cash register. The man grabbed the register and
began to flee.

Just one catch: He forgot to unplug the register.

In the process of trying to run out with the still-plugged-in
register, Brainiac ended up dragging along most of the countertop
merchandise. While he struggled to get out with the plugged-in
register in his hands, the store's cashier grabbed a bat and started
pounding the robber's car.

Oh, and did I mention that the entire thing was videotaped by the
store's security camera?!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Importance of Having the Proper Identification -- Take One
Excerpted from "The Oregonian" (Portland, Oregon), 10 Apr 97:

Police cited William Angus Barter for forgery early last month and
then let him go. When his girlfriend -- who was jailed at the same
time on another charge -- was released, she was issued a check for
the $4.10 in cash she had in her possession when she was booked.

Police said Barter altered the check, issued on the Washington
County Sheriff's Office, Jail Division, Inmate Trust Account, so it
was payable to him for $1,145.23.

When he tried to cash it at a Beaverton US Bank, an alert teller was
leery. Police said Barter got nervous when she left her window to
verify the check, and he bolted from the bank, leaving behind his
photo ID.

Since then, Barter has left his IDs in banks all over. In the last
few weeks, Barter has gotten 11 duplicate Driver and Motor Vehicles
photo IDs -- all in his own name. Seems that tellers throughout the
area keep snatching up the IDs when he tries to cash the suspicious
checks.

"US Bank called and said that he's driving them crazy" says
Detective Chuck Warren, the Beaverton Police Department's fraud
expert.

Warren is trying to get the DMV to quit issuing Barter new IDs.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Importance of Having the Proper Identification -- Take Two

This actually happened in Brandon, Mississippi, in 1996: One very
"bright" fellow stole blank checks then tried to cash one of them he
had forged.

First stupid mistake: Instead of writing the check for a smaller
amount, he wrote it for $300.00, which required him to show ID.

Second stupid mistake: When asked to show some ID, he showed his OWN
driver's license (which of course, had a different name on it than
the check he was presenting).

The prize was six months in the Rankin County Jail, all expenses
paid.

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