Collage 361              H u m o u r N e t              25 Jun 1997

Once again, sorry for the long delay between Collages; I recently
filed my resignation from my "real job" at the Army Research Lab in
Adelphi, Maryland, and I've been a little distracted by the ensuing
job search. Since I have a *lot* of ARLers on this list (...<ahem>
in case anyone in Security is listening: I'm pretty sure they all
unsubscribed MONTHS ago ;-), I'd like to mention that the decision
to resign after fourteen years was not an easy one -- that is, until
I got a good look at the separation package they were offering, at
which point the decision became MUCH easier. <g>

In the meantime, though, HumourNet gets yet another notch quieter.
But it DOES make the topic for this Collage pretty easy to select:

                     Employment Humour ...

Wayne in Richmond, Virginia, kicks this one off with "The Seven Phases
of Every Project";

Lorraine in Katy, Texas, brings us "Tips from Secretaries to Managers:
Enhancing the Relationship," "Dilbert Was a Case Study," and "Universal
Corporate Translator";

Matthew in Portland, Oregon, contributes "One For The Resume";

Edith in Allentown, Pennsylvania, takes all the credit for her original
piece, "How to Interpret a Resume";

and Beth in "California, C.A." (whatever/wherever *that* is) closes
this one out with the "Human Resources Guidebook."

Another big thanks to our contributors!

Enjoy ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The Seven Phases of Every Project

1. Enthusiasm

2. Grinding toil.

3. Disillusionment

4. Panic

5. Search for the Guilty

6. Punishment of the Innocent

7. Praise and Honors for the Non-Participants

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Tips from Secretaries to Managers: Enhancing the Relationship

1. Whenever possible, please keep us late. We have no homes to go to
and are only too thankful to spend the evening here.

2. Send us out to cash your checks and buy stamps in all weather.
Walking is exhilarating and as we sit down all day, the exercise
does us good.

3. Do walk out of the office without telling us where you are going
or how long you might be. We enjoy telling people who wish to
contact you urgently that we have no idea where you are or when you
will return.

4. When dictating, please parade up and down the room and practice
your golf strokes, or better still, walk out of the room. We can
understand what is said more distinctly.

5. Please lower your voice to a whisper when dictating names of
people and places. Under no circumstances spell them to us. We are
sure to hit the right way sooner or later.

6. Should a letter require a slight alteration after it is typed,
score the word heavily through about four times and write the
correct word beside it, preferably in ink or felt-tip pen. Always
make the alteration on the top copy.

7. Please dictate a paragraph and change your mind, with the
corrected version following, particularly when using dictating
equipment. It adds variety to our typing.

8. Hours for dictation: during the lunch hour, or any time after
4:30 p.m.

9. Should you wish to write out a letter or report, please write
with a blunt pencil using the wrong hand, and use plenty of arrows,
balloons and other diagrams.

10. Remember when asking us to place a long distance call, you must
be very fast on your feet to get out of the office before the call
comes through.

11. If possible, always pick up your calls on your secretary's
phone. This ensures that we cannot pick up calls for any other
people on our own phones. It also helps keep us company. We miss you
during the day.

12. When you have given us a rush project, be sure to use your
intercom line frequently, or call us at regular intervals of 60
seconds to ask us to get minor items and to go for coffee.

13. If you are being paged, please ignore it. We usually have no
particular reason for wanting to locate you and enjoy hunting you
down or taking messages.

14. Please do interrupt us while we are speaking on the telephone.
We have two ears, so we might as well use both of them at the same
time.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Dilbert Was a Case Study

The following is from the My Boss site at <http://www.myboss.com/>
-- people write in with true stories of their workplace, it's like
Dilbert in real life! There's a lot of excellent stuff there, so
check it out.

1. In my organization, if you're not part of the problem, you're
working without supervision.

2. Posted on my Boss's door: "Beware. Age and treachery always
triumph over youth and talent".

3. During a performance review, I told my Boss that I was qualified
for promotion. He agreed. He then said, "You have a problem, though.
All of the managers who can verify your ability have retired."

4. I am a very qualified graduate student looking for temporary
work. My employment prospects look dim, however. I was turned down
by a temporary agency because I don't have "serious" hair.

5. In the interest of bettering my career, my Boss offered the
following analysis, "It is sad to say, but in today's corporate
world, you can be incompetent, and you can be stupid, but you can't
be negative."

6. After hiring a consultant to evaluate pay equity and spending
well above $100,000 on the study, our President determined that only
$8,750 remained to make salary adjustments.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: One For The Resume

Imagine my surprise when our manager won a "SmartThinker" award and
$250 for his policy of turning off the lights when the office was
empty, theoretically saving the company up to $20,000 a year!

However, because our technical support desk was staffed 24 hours a
day, the office was *never* empty and the lights were never turned
off.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Universal Corporate Translator
By Jim Moore Jr.

NOTE: By the author's request, this piece may be forwarded or posted
without including any reference to HumourNet. </vs>

"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION":
    You'll be making under $6 an hour.

"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY":
    You're paid under $6 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY":
   There's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.

"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN":
   Once it's shared among the brass, you get what's left.

"COMPETITIVE SALARY:"
   We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:"
   We have no time to train you.  (and/or)
   Please introduce yourself to your co-workers.

"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:"
    Inc. Magazine mentioned us in an article a few years ago.

"IMMEDIATE OPENING:"
    The person who had this job gave notice a month ago.
    We're just now running the ad.

"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:"
    We're can't supply you with leads;  (and/or)
    there's no base salary to speak of; (and/or)
    you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

"SELF-MOTIVATED:"
    Don't expect Management to answer questions

"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:"
   After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500
   deductible and a $35 co-pay.

"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:"
   After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k).

"SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE":
   Who won't notice our internship-level salaries.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:"
   We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up;
   well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:"
   We have a lot of turnover.   (and/or)
   Lots of intra-office back stabbing.

"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:"
   Guys in gray suits bore you with tales of Total Quality Mgt.

"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:"
   We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

"FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:"
   Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.

"A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT":
   We booze it up at company parties and after work hours.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:"
   You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:"
   If we're in trouble, you have to explain to the customer.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:"
   Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:"
   We can't afford any office partitions, let alone offices.

"FLEXIBLE HOURS:"
   Work 40 hours; plus whatever your supervisor asks you to.

"DUTIES WILL VARY:"
   Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:"
   We have no quality control to speak of.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE":
   We've filled the job; this ad is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:"
   You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WHO REQUIRE LITTLE OR NO SUPERVISION:"
   You're on your own here Bunky; sink or swim.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:"
   This is a company in perpetual chaos and turmoil.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:"
   You'll have the manager responsibilities, w/o the pay.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:"
   Brass communicate, you listen, figure out what they want.

"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:"
   You whine, you're outta here.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: How to Interpret a Resume
By Edith Rudy

I used to claim that I didn't write fiction. Then I started helping
people with their resumes. So this is for anyone in HR who has to
read the darned things.

Term:           What it really means:

Bright          Wears lots of yellow and red (usually together)

Intelligent     Got a gold star for spelling in first grade

Computer-       Knows the difference between a mouse and a terminal
literate

Great           Fired from his last job for telling the boss exactly
communicator    what he thought of him

Detail-         Will spend eight hours perfecting a 2-minute job
oriented

Sees the        Hasn't got a clue about how to do the work required
big picture     to get to the big picture

Prompt          First one out the door at quitting time

Hard working    For at least at ten minutes a day

Conscientious   Knows EXACTLY how much sick time and holiday time
                he has left

Friendly        Watch out for attractive members of your staff

Honest          Gossips

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Human Resources Guidebook

What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle with the
problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for
ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them
in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two
hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and
see what they are doing.

* If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in
Engineering.

* If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to
Finance.

* If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to
Manufacturing.

* If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for
them.

* If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

* If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

* If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to
Security.

* If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to
Marketing.

* And if they've left early, put them in Sales.

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