Collage 363              H u m o u r N e t              09 Jul 1997

Kim (our HumourNet Assistant Moderator) and I just spent the last
five days -- and 1700 miles -- traveling through Quebec. This was our
second trip up there in about nine years, and it provided me with an
unparalleled opportunity to impress the natives with my French-
speaking abilities. (Note: I have none.) To be sure, someone really
should warn the Quebecois any time that I plan on traveling through
their province.

On our first trip to Quebec, Kim had tried to teach me how to say
"cheeseburger" in French -- that is, "hamburger au fromage" -- so I
could sound sufficiently swank when placing my order. Not that it is
possible to be swank when ordering a cheeseburger -- but there's
something about the French language that could make even "corn dog"
sound amorous.

Nevertheless, it required that I learn a couple of words in French.
Well, there are three important things about which the French have
been very confused for a long, long time:

    1. Proper noun/modifier placement.
    2. Proper pronunciation.
    3. Who *really* was responsible for winning World War II.

Being as French-challenged as I am, I decided to translate the term
"hamburger au fromage" into "New Jersey French" (I'm originally from
New Jersey; please don't let that get around, though) and ordered --
quite intentionally, and with malice aforethought  -- a "frommidge
burger." The [obviously bilingual] counter girl was in hysterics;
Kim was suitably mortified. Shortly after that, Canada announced
that it was tightening documentation requirements for American
tourists crossing the border. (Coincidence? You decide.)

I've long since stopped eating hamburgers, so Kim mistakenly assumed
that I'd be safe in Quebec once again -- or, more correctly, that the
Quebecois would be safe with me in their midst once again. Note the
operative word in that sentence: "mistakenly."

First stop: Wal-Mart. We got to the cashier, and I engaged in the
following conversation with the checkout lady; note that she was
speaking with a perfect French accent (that cannot be reproduced
here in seven-bit ASCII), of which I did not understand a single
word:

    Cashier: Bonjour et bienvenue a Wal-Mart. Vous pouvez payer
    en liquide, par carte de credit ou cheques de voyage; nous
    n'acceptons plus les cheques tires sur des comptes courants.

    Me: Plastic bags will be fine, thanks.

The cashier, as it turned out, did not understand a single word of
English. This lead to my learning an actual French phrase (my first):
"Parlez-vous anglais." (Pointer: It is important to verify that they
speak English before attempting humor.)

But I soon realized that "Parlez-vous anglais" was not sufficient for
traveling in Quebec; at least a *few* other key terms were needed.
Thus, I would like to present a couple of French phrases that I have
found to be virtually indispensable when traveling through French-
speaking regions:

*1* Finding a train station ...

    ENGLISH:
    "Hello! Can you please direct me to the train station?"

    STRICT FRENCH:
    "Bonjour Mademoiselle, comment allez-vous?"

    CONTEMPORARY FRENCH:
    "Salut ma vieille! Si on discutait le coup?"

*2* Finding a restroom ...

    ENGLISH:
    "Hello. I'm an American tourist. Could you please direct me to
    the restrooms?"

    STRICT FRENCH:
    "Bonjour Mademoiselle, j'ai du chocolat. Voulez-vous monter dans
    ma voiture pour une petite promenade?"

    CONTEMPORARY FRENCH:
    "Salut Beaute, je t'en ferai voir des choses! On y va?"

I hope you find these terms to be as useful as I did. Please be sure
to bring bail money with you.

And in the spirit of furthering international communications,
tonight's Collage focuses on language translation issues ...

Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado, kicks this one off with "Copy
and Toes" and (farther down) "Oh My God! There's An Axe In My Head"
(you never know when you're going to need that term while traveling
abroad, so be sure to take Collage 363 along with you);

[Addition 15 July 1997: An extra thanks to Mark in Perth, Western
Australia, for sending an updated list of "Oh My God!" translations.
</vs>]

Lorraine in Katy, Texas, brings us "He Probably Needed It By Then,
Anyway";

Maxwell in London, England, sends us the piece entitled, "Guns Don't
Kill People; Instructions Do";

Sylvia in Vancouver, British Columbia, contributes the "Chinese-to-
English Dictionary";

and Allan Goldberg -- one of the original Fab Five(tMS) HumourNetters
-- closes this one out with some "Useful Phrases To Know When
Traveling Through Arab Countries." (This piece, one of my long-
standing favorites, originally appeared in Collage 26 -- but it
worked so well with tonight's motif that I dug it up for a rerun.)

It's our first (I think) International Communications Collage, with
many thanks to our contributors. And an extra-special thanks to
Michel in Strasbourg, France, for the French "translations" that I
provided above. Yes, Michel translated them correctly; I simply
changed the English terms. <g>

(Please note that everything in this Collage -- just like all other
Collages -- is provided strictly for fun; we are certainly not
intending to demean or belittle anyone or any language. Please be
sure to read the material in the spirit in which it was intended.)

Bonjour!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Copy and Toes

Language proficiency is part of the international contracting scene.
This exchange between an English-speaking traveler and a member of
the hotel staff in a Far East hotel was recorded in the "Far-East
Economic Review":

Room Service: Morny. Rune-sore-bees.

Hotel Guest: Oh, sorry. I thought I dialed Room Service.

RS: Rye, rune-sore-bees. Morny. Djewish to odor sunteen?

HG: Uh ... yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs.

RS: Ow July den?

HG: What?

RS: Aches. Ow July den? Pry, boy, pooch...?

HG: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please.

RS: Ow July dee baycome? Crease?

HG: Crisp will be fine.

RS: Hokay. An Santos?

HG: What?

RS: Santos. July Santos?

HG: Uh. I don't know ... I don't think so.

RS: No. Judo one toes?

HG: Look, I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo
one toes" means. I'm sorry.

RS: Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow cenglish mopping we
bother?

HG: English muffin! I've got it! You were saying toast! Fine. An
English muffin will be fine.

RS: We bother?

HG: No. Just put the bother on the side.

RS: Wad?

HG: I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.

RS: Copy?

HG: I feel terrible about this but ...

RS: Copy. Copy, tea, mill--

HG: Coffee! Yes, coffee please. And that's all.

RS: One Minnie. Ass rune torino fee, strangle aches, crease baycome,
tossy cenglish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye?

HG: Whatever you say.

RS: Hokay. Tendjewberrymud.

HG: You're welcome.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: He Probably Needed It By Then, Anyway

Sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was
considering a run for U.S. President:

"We pray for MacArthur's erection."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Guns Don't Kill People; Instructions Do

Here are some instructions I found inside the box for my new BB gun
(fires little plastic pellets). On the outside it said, "Warning: To
avoid injury, follow instructions carefully." The instructions were
these (assume they were accompanied by utterly useless pictures) ...

1. When inject gas, hold down the trigger half position until the
gas fill the space. Caution: When inject gas must have a little
strength on it. The angle like the diagram.

2. Pull out the magazine. Just pull that be very simple.

3. Push the botton of magazine up to the bottom. Under the same
situation. Take the BB-bullet in. From down to up fill ten pieces
BB-bullet.

4. Quickly insert the full BB-bullet of magazine in it. If slowly,
will make the BB-bullet drop out. If done, please operate it again.

5. Recover the triggle and then can do it. Pull down the safe botton
to stop shooting. Pull up the safe botton to start shooting.

Caution: Remain the BB-bullet in the magazine and pull the magazine
will make the BB-bullets jump out. So as soon as possible shoot it
one.

[Editor's Note: Maxwell adds, "I have checked, and have made no
typos! I can't find any copyright info, so assume that they didn't
bother." Why should they? It'd only add to their liability. If they
were smart, they also didn't give a company address ... </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Chinese-to-English Dictionary

Chinese Phrase      English Translation
--------------      ----------------------------------------

Ai Bang Mai Ne      I bumped into the coffee table

Ar U Wun Tu         A gay liberation greeting

Chin Tu Fat         You need a face lift

Dum Gai             A stupid person

Gun Pao Der         An ancient Chinese invention

Hu Flung Dung       Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding      We have reason to believe you are harboring a
                    fugitive

Lao Zi              Not very good

Lao Zi Sho          Gilligan's Island

Lin Ching           An illegal execution

Ne Ahn              A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

Shai Gai            A bashful person

Ten Ding Ba         Serving drinks to people

Yu Mai Te Tan       Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

Wa Shing Kah        Cleaning an automobile

Wai So Dim          Are you trying to save electricity?

Wai U Shao Ting     There is no reason to raise your voice

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Oh My God! There's An Axe In My Head!
Compiled by Johann Junginger <jjunging@sciborg.uwaterloo.ca>

You never know when you are going to need to know certain key phrases
in other languages when traveling abroad. For today's lesson, we
start with the phrase, "Oh my god! There's an axe in my head" ...

(Sorry if any of these are spelled wrong. Send corrections to
<smiles@bapp.com>.)

English:               Oh my god! There's an axe in my head.
American English dialects:
   Southern:           Oh, Lawd! Thar's a aiks in ma haid.
   Ebonics:            Sheeit-blade be probing me doo.
Afrikaans:             O God!  Daar's 'n byl in my kop!
Alsatian:              Lever Gott! Es esch a Axe en miner Kopf!
Bengali (Muslim):      Oh Allah! Amar mathar upor kural poreche.
        (Hindu):       Hay Bhagwaan! Amar mathar upor kural poreche.
Celtic:                Mo Dhia!  Ta' tua sa mo cheann.
Danish:                Oh min gud! Der er en oekse i mit hoved.
Dutch:                 O, mijn God! Er zit een bijl in mijn hoofd.
Middle Egyptian:       in Amun! iw minb m tp-i!
Esperanto:             Mia Dio!  Hakilo estas en mia kapo!
Estonian :             Oh issand, mul on kirves peas
Finnish:               Voi Luoja! Paassani on kirves!
                       Herran jumala, paassani on kirves!
French:                O, mon dieu! Il y a une hache dans ma tete.
Gaelic:                Och, mo Dhia, 's e tuagh a tha sa' mo cheann.
German:                Oh mein Gott! Ich habe eine Axt im Kopf!
Greek:                 hristo mou!  eho ena maheri sto kefali mou!
Ancient Greek:         O Theos mou! Echo ten labrida en te mou kephale!
Babylonian:            iliya pashu ina reshiya bashu
Assyrian:              iliya pashum ina reshimi bashu
Hebrew:                Oy Elohim ! Yesh garzen ba-rosh sheli
Hindi:                 Hay Bhagwaan!  Mere sar mein kulhaadi hai.
Hungarian:             Jaj Istenem, de fejsze van a fejemben!!
Icelandic:             Gud minn godur!  Thad er o:xi i ho:fdinu a mer.
Italian:               Dio mio!  C'e' un' ascia nella mia testa!
Japanese:              ahh, kamisama! watashi no atama ni ono ga
arimasu.
Kannada                Nann taleyallee ondu kodalu ide.
Klingon:               ghay'cha'! nachwIjDaq betleH tu'lu'!
Korean :               aigo, OtchOna! nae daegarie tokkiga pakhyO inne!
Latin:                 Deus Meus! Securis in capite meo est.
Latvian:               Ak Dievs! Man ir cirvis galva!
Lithuanian:            Dieve mano, turiu kirvi galvoje!
Malayalam:             Entey Deiwame, entey thalayil oru kodali undei.
Mandarin Chinese:      Wode tian a! You yi ba futou cha zai wode naodai li!
Maori:                 Ave Te Ariki! He toki ki roto taku mahuna!
Marathi:               Aray Devaa!  Majhyaa dokyaat kurhaad aahay.
Norwegian:             Herre Gud! Jeg har en aks i hodet!
Persian(Farsi) :       Oh!! Khodayeh Man!! Yek Tabar tooyeh saram rafteh!!
Polish:                O Moj Boze! Mam siekiere w glowie!
Portuguese:            Meu Deus! Tenho um machado na cabeca!
Russian:               Bozje moi! U menia topor v golove!
Serbo-Croatian:        Boje moj! sjekira mi je u glavi.
Slovenian:             Moj Bog! Sekiro imam v glavi.
Spanish:               Dios mio  Tengo una hacha en mi cabeza!
Swahili:               Siyo! (Huko) Shoka yangu kichwanil!
Swedish:               Ah, Herregud! Jag har en yxa i huvudet!
Tagalog:               Ay Dios ko! May palakol sa ulo ko!
Telegu:                Ore devudo! Naa thala lo goddali undhi
Turkish: (literal)     Aman Allahim, kafamda bir balta var
 (or)                  Aman Allahim! Basimda bir balta var.
 (ideomatic-headache)  Aman Allahim! Basim catliyor
Visigothic:            Meina guth, Ikgastaldan aqizi-wunds meina haubida
Welsh:                 A nuw!  Mae bywell yn fy mhen i!

[Editor's Note: We need a similar set of translations for computer
owners: "Oh my God! I bought a Windows machine!" ... On second
thought, the terms above should serve the same purpose. ;-) </vs>]

[Note 17 July 1997: A special "thanks!" to Julia from Latvia for
correcting the Russian version. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Useful Phrases To Know When Traveling Through Arab Countries

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.
   Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL GARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
   I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the
   floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE.
   I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.
   It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk
   of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA
JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN.
   If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital
   appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in
   public.

KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRIKAHEY.
   I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies
   traveling as reporters.

BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!
   Whatever you say!

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.
   The red blindfold would be lovely, your excellency.

TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELLEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
   The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I really
   must have the recipe.

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