Collage 366              H u m o u r N e t              01 Aug 1997

This one was simply too good to pass up ...

<AP News Wire>

AP Headline: "Yemenis, Claiming Ownership Of Mars, Sue NASA"

(My Headline: "Men Are From Mars, Lawsuits Are From Yemen")

SAN`A, Yemen -- Three Yemeni men claiming ownership of Mars have
filed a lawsuit against NASA for landing on the red planet, a
newspaper reported today.

(Well, the suit already makes no sense. *JPL* landed on the planet;
NASA merely got them there.)

Adam Ismail, Mustafa Khalil and Abdullah al-Umari have filed
documents to a Yemeni court that they say prove their claim, the
weekly Al-Thawri newspaper said.

(Character witnesses for these guys: The Psychic Friends Hotline.)

"We inherited the planet from our ancestors 3,000 years ago," the
Arabic-language paper quoted the men as saying in one of the
documents.

(Well, *that* certainly explains the camel droppings that Soujourner
found next to the lander, doesn't it?)

[...] "Sojourner and Pathfinder ... began exploring it without
informing us or seeking our approval," the men said.

(Ah. And three years' worth of NASA "We're going to Mars" hype
didn't get their attention. Note to self: Plaintiffs are idiots.)

The plaintiffs demanded the immediate suspension of all operations
on Mars until the Yemeni court delivers a verdict. They also asked
that the court order NASA to refrain from disclosing any information
pertaining to Mars' atmosphere, surface or gravity before receiving
approval from them or until a verdict is reached.

("No problem, sirs. The OFF switch is located on the left side of
the lander; just have one of your ancestors stroll over and shut it
off.")

Asked for comment, Richard Cook, Pathfinder mission manager at
NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, Calif., said, "It's
everybody's. Mars is for the whole world to explore and to
understand."

(That's clearly a fabricated response. When asked for comment,
Richard Cook's *actual* response would have landed him in a
basement room next to Salman Rushdie.)

</AP News Wire>

(Note: This article can still be found on the 'Net at:
<http://www.sfgate.com/newsitems/1997/07/mars24.shtml>)

There were several options for Collage topics to match with this
story; somehow, "The Intellectual Proletariat" just seemed to take
the lead ...

Paul in London, England, kicks off this DoltFest(tMS) with "Tim
McVeigh Wannabe, Take One";

Pat -- who may or may not be located somewhere in or around Dallas,
Texas -- brings us "Tim McVeigh Wannabe, Take Two";

Steve in Lakewood, Colorado, closes out the "idiots and explosives"
theme with several prime examples in "Tim McVeigh Wannabe, Takes
Three, Four, and Five";

James in Owings Mills, Maryland, takes credit for "Altitude
Awareness";

Frank K. contributes "Just Not Getting It";

and Mike in Tempe, Arizona, finishes up with one that left me
speechless: "But Sir! I Scored Real Well On Space Invaders!"

As always, a huge thanks goes out to our contributors -- and an EXTRA
big thanks goes to Yaakov in Jerusalem, Israel, for sending me the
NASA lawsuit article.

Enjoy! And be glad that you're not featured in any of these stories.
(If you are, please don't tell me; I like to believe that HumourNet
subscribers are a cut above the rest ...)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Tim McVeigh Wannabe, Take One

When I worked in the North African oil industry in the '80s, I
returned from working on a well with my local operators. All our
overalls were covered in crude oil and one of the operators offered
to put them in the washing machine. On his way there he had a bright
idea: we routinely used petrol (gasoline) to clean oil off our tools
-- so why not give the overalls a good soak as well?

This done, he puts them in the washing machine, adds powder, dials
up the program and -- the instant he presses the 'ON' switch --
Kabooom! The fuel-soaked machine explodes setting fire to the
building.

The building burnt down. He survived -- a bit singed, but unharmed.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Tim McVeigh Wannabe, Take Two

An article in the London Free Press a few years ago recounts the
story of a man who needed some gas for his lawnmower. No problem;
he just grabbed a plastic gas can, hopped in his car and drove a
couple of kilometers to the nearest gas station.

When he got there, he found that there was no cap for the gas can.
Still no big problem. He filled the gas can up and then put it on
the floor of the front passenger seat so that he could keep an eye
on it to make sure it didn't spill on the way home.

While on the way home, he felt the urge for a smoke so he pulled out
his cigarettes and pushed in the lighter. Then of course he had to
take his eyes off the road to make contact with the lighter and
cigarette and he hit a bump and spilled some of the gas.

NOW he had a problem!!!

[Editor's Note: Heck, he had a problem BEFORE the gas spilled. </vs>]

The newspaper reported that the fireball crossing the bridge almost
caused another car to drive through the guardrail and into the river
20 meters below.

The "lawnmower man" was apparently lucky that he had the windows
open on his car so that the force of the explosion was dissipated
somewhat and he had a way to get out quickly with only second degree
burns.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Tim McVeigh Wannabe, Takes Three, Four, and Five

[Editor's Note: Steve is continuing the "cigarettes, idiots, and gas
stations" theme that I started back in Collage 331. </vs>]

I drive an 18 wheeler for a living and I deliver gasoline to gas
stations and let me tell you there is a LOT of Level III stupidity
around gasoline! Here are some examples and I invoke the Dave Barry
disclaimer -- I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.

I was dropping gas into the tanks at a station and there was
a car parked at the last pump. There were two people sitting in it
doing nothing -- no gas, windshield cleaning, nothing. Finally, the
woman got out of the car with a camera, stood next to the trailer
and proceeded to take some pictures of the mountains -- SMOKING A
FREAKING CIGARETTE!! She was puffing away two feet from 8500 gallons
of explosive high-test. Level I stupidity.

[Editor's Note: The author is cutting her some *major* slack with a
Level I categorization at this point. </vs>]

I casually walked over and informed her that there were gas fumes in
the area and that an explosion was a very real possibility. She was
not too happy to hear that she could not smoke around gasoline but
she put it out got back in the car. The car was parked about 5 feet
from both the tank vents and from my trailer. As I continued
unloading, I looked over there again and she is sitting in the car
with the windows down SMOKING ANOTHER FREAKING CIGARETTE!! After
getting myself out of cardiac arrest again, I walked over and
informed her that she could not sit there and smoke in the car
either because the vent pipes were blowing vapors out of the tanks.
If they came in the windows she could cause an explosion. Level II
at work here.

Her solution to the problem? Roll the windows up but leave them
cracked so she could hold the lit end of her FREAKING CIGARETTE out
the window!!! Level III and beyond! The sad part was, she had a
little kid in the car with her and it's sad for two reasons: 1) She
had no regard for the safety of her child, and 2) she has already
started to reproduce. If stupidity were a felony, even OJ's team of
lawyers couldn't keep her off of death row.

Another example of Level III stupidity:

I pulled into the loading rack at a refinery and a guy I used to work
with came over to show me something he'd bought. It was a special
cigarette lighter and he proceeded demonstrate it to me. I pointed
out to him that he was at a gasoline loading rack and that there
were gas vapors floating around and about 20,000 gallons of gasoline
were setting there waiting for something to ignite it.

His response? "Oh well. Nobody was looking." And he hauls gasoline
for a living! Maybe he needs to look up the term "ignition source."

[Editor's Note: Maybe he needs to look up the term "Alternate income
source." </vs>]

And yet another example:

When my company hires new drivers, they are sent with experienced
drivers to learn how to load fuels. One of the other drivers had a
new hire with him and they went to a terminal to load a load of gas.
While they were there the trainer walked around the other side of
the truck to check the tires and when he walked back around there
was the new man standing there SMOKING A FREAKING CIGARETTE!

"Put that damn thing out!!!" he yelled.

"Why?" came the response.

We need a Level IV stupidity.

[Editor's Note: No we don't, Steve. It'll just give them a whole new
category to strive for ... </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Altitude Awareness

When I first met my wife, she was living in an apartment with a
group of her friends (all female). My wife was out one night when
one of her friends was entertaining back at the apartment. Well, my
wife received a page (to which she responded) from the girl
entertaining. She was in the middle of baking a cake and was
perplexed. Should she follow the normal directions on the cake box
or the high altitude directions since she was on the 3rd floor of
the apartment building?

We live in Maryland.

[Editor's Note: "Altitude" is not an issue in Maryland -- for all
intents and purposes, it's rather flat. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Just Not Getting It

This is a true story and anyone living in the San Francisco Bay Area
will probably remember reading it in the papers.

Two Oakland teen gang members were given the task of killing a
former member of their gang who had gone straight. These accomplished
professionals were chosen because they were relatively unknown to the
police and the proposed victim.

Thus it came to pass that these two 17 -- I repeat, *seventeen* --
year olds went in and shot through the head another seventeen year
old. Highly praised by their associates, they reveled in their feat.
This was short lived, though, as one of the leaders later saw the
real target driving in his car.

Saddened by their misfortune, they read the story of a gang related
killing that involved a mistaken identity. Touched by the sentiment
and emotion in the newspaper stories they dropped by the police to
say they were sorry for their mistake. They had shot the wrong
person.

As they were being arrested they exclaimed, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND --
WE DIDN'T KILL THE GUY WE WERE SUPPOSED TO."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: But Sir! I Scored Real Well On Space Invaders!

While I was in technical school in the Air Force in Biloxi,
Mississippi, I met this guy who was in school to be an air traffic
controller. He didn't come across as a very bright individual, and I
asked him why he wanted to be in ATC.

He responded (imagine this with a very heavy backwoods southern
accent), "Well, I'm real good at video games, so I figured I would
be good at this, too."

At that very moment, I swore to myself that if this guy actually
graduated his ATC class, I would never, ever board a plane again.

He lasted only two weeks, and was put in a career field better suited
to his abilities: inventory clerk at Offutt AFB, Nebraska.

Whew!

[Editor's Note: Yeah, "Whew!" is right. Forget inventory clerk,
though; this guy should have been scrubbing runways at Offutt --
preferably the *active* ones. ;-) </vs>]

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage366>