Collage 368              H u m o u r N e t              07 Sep 1997

Hi folks!

We're back on the air -- finally. Several of you have wondered just
what the HECK happened to us. Well, it was a combination of things,
not least of which getting the list moved to our new list server, and
all the work that goes into learning and configuring a new server --
including processing all the "unsubscription fees." (BTW, several of
you fell for that, DESPITE all the pointers to the "Unsub Fee"
disclaimer in the Welcome message. We'll be hearing from some of
these folks soon ... <g>)

Jim in Los Angeles, however, sends us *his* theory as to what took
so long for HumourNet to get Collage 368 on the server:

Excerpted from the Costa Mesa/Newport Beach Daily Pilot, front page,
29 July 1997:

    [Fiber optics is] "a faster, more reliable system that
    transmits telephone calls and data at the speed of
    light (186,000 miles per hour) compared to copper wire
    lines that transport information at the speed of sound
    (30,000 feet per second)."

Omigawd, I think that this article's Clueless Factor(tMS) is even
higher than a Ziff-Davis publication! (Or perhaps the Daily Pilot
*is* a Ziff-Davis publication.) Here's a quick summary of what we
have learned from it:

1. The Voyager 1 spacecraft is actually moving at 0.21c -- making it
the fastest-moving man-made object by several orders of magnitude.

2. Sound moves at 0.11c -- meaning that (i) the sound barrier has
yet to be broken, and (ii) there's a perfectly good explanation why
men cannot hear women speak. (I'm not sure just what that explanation
is, mind you, but I'm sure it has something to do with relativistic
effects on the molecules propagating the sound waves.)

3. The telephone is just a marketing ploy perpetrated on us for
more than a century by the telephone company. In reality, no such
transducer is needed; you can simply yell into the wires (as long as
they are copper).

4. Journalists should, by federal law, NEVER be allowed to print any
sentence containing numbers, units, and/or any of the following
words: nuclear, computer, solar system, relativity, CPU, benchmark,
Pentium, instruction, Windows, microchip, superhighway, modem, air,
or any word containing the letter "e."

Typically, something as clueless as this would lead us into another
"Intellectual Proletariat"(tMS) Collage -- but since we've done a few
of those recently, I think it's time to churn out some *geek* humor.

:-)

Jeff in London, UK, kicks things off with "Comprehending Mathematicians
-- Take One";

Michael in Cleveland, Ohio, brings us "Comprehending Mathematicians --
Take Two" and "Comprehending Computer Scientists -- Take One";

Kathy in Collage Park, Maryland, sends "Comprehending Computer
Scientists -- Take Two";

Dominick in College Park, Maryland, contributes "Comprehending Computer
Scientists -- Take Three";

Mark R. in Perth, Western Australia, submits "Comprehending Computer
Scientists -- Take Four";

Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado, sends along "Comprehending
Engineers, -- Take One";

Jim M. in New York City bring us "Comprehending Engineers -- Take
Two";

JD in New Jersey takes credit for "Comprehending Engineers -- Take
Three";

and Dan C in Blacksburg, Virginia, contributes a piece that I'd
lost, and subsequently searched for high and low for about a year,
"Comprehending Engineers -- Take Four";

Mark in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, sends "Comprehending Engineers --
Take Five";

and the ever-prolific Richard in Phoenix, Arizona, submits
"Comprehending Engineers -- Take Six."

That's it for this "Comprehending Geeks" Collage. Big thanks to all
our contributors.

Happy Bytes!


- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Comprehending Mathematicians -- Take One

A chemist, an engineer and a mathematician were all asleep in a
hotel when several fires broke out in their respective rooms.

The chemist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out
his CRC (chemistry handbook), and began working out all sorts of
fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his
pencil, got a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured
out a precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire,
extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep.

The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on
the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put
out the fire, and went back to sleep.

The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began
working through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses, you-name-it, and after
a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I
have proven that I can put the fire out!" He then went back to sleep.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Comprehending Mathematicians -- Take Two

A mathematician is a person who says that, when 3 people are supposed
to be in a room but 5 come out, 2 must go in to return the room to an
empty state.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: Comprehending Computer Scientists -- Take One

Several professors were asked to solve the following problem:

"Prove that all odd integers are prime."

Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is not a
prime -- counter-example -- claim is false.

Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an
experimental error, 11 is a prime ...

Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11
is a prime ...

Computer: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime ...
segmentation fault

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Comprehending Computer Scientists -- Take Two

Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical
engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer.

The car stalled out.

The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair
them and be on our way."

The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll
replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all."

The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush
the system and be on our way."

They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should
do?" they asked.

The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car,
close the Windows(tMS), then get back in and try restarting it."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Comprehending Computer Scientists -- Take Three

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing
about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor
remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib
taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly
claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier in the
book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens
and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and
certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering.
Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession
in the world."

The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said
confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Comprehending Computer Scientists -- Take Four

A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally
someone noticed and called the cops. They went round to his flat and
broke the door down. They found him dead in the still running shower
with an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body. Apparently he'd
been washing his hair.

The instructions on the bottle said:

Wet hair
Apply shampoo
Lather
Rinse
Repeat

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Comprehending Engineers, -- Take One

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with
him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead
of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost
their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always
let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them
tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy
and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Comprehending Engineers -- Take Two

In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up
against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then,
every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were
half the previous distance apart. A mathematician, a physicist, and
an engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?"

The mathematician said: "Never."

The physicist said: "In an infinite amount of time."

The engineer said: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close
enough for all practical purposes."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Comprehending Engineers -- Take Three

[Editor's Note: This is just a joke. It never occurred. Please
remember that. </vs>]

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all
things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30
years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted
him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with
one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried
everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no
avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had
solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying
the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small x in chalk
on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This
is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine
worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his
service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The
engineer responded briefly:

  One chalk mark .. ..... .....   $1
  Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Comprehending Engineers -- Take Four

Three engineers and three mathematicians are traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three mathematicians each buy
tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a
mathematician.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The mathematicians take their respective
seats, but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the
door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the
conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom
door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a
single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and
moves on.

The mathematicians see this and agree it is quite a clever idea. So
after the conference, the mathematicians decide to copy the
engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with
money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a
single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the
engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed
mathematician.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a engineer.

When they board the train, the three mathematicians cram into one
restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The
train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his
restroom and walks over to the restroom where the mathematicians are
hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Comprehending Engineers -- Take Five

The Top 10 Things Engineering School didn't teach

10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.

9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.

8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.

7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it,
except the complex math, which you will never use.

6. Always try to fix the hardware with software.

5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon
lab every day for the rest of your life.

4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?

3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.

2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into
software.

1. Dilbert is a documentary.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Comprehending Engineers -- Take Six

Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
   Engineers?

A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

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